While Aunt Ruth was out, I picked six roses from one of the rose bushes out front and took them to Levi. Roses were good, right?

At two on Tuesday afternoon, Levi wasn't home, so I waited for him at his door, fully dressed today. I also left my guitar at home. After an hour, I gave up and went home, leaving the roses on the stoop, along with a note.

'Sorry for being a dick. I'll go wherever Imperfect goes.'

I didn't see Levi until rehearsal that night. He hadn't been home yet, so he didn't see my peace offering. All eyes were on me as I walked into the room, everyone waiting for a response from me.

"Are you coming with us or not?" Sean asked.

"He's coming," Memphis said.

"Is that true?" Levi said.

"Yes," I replied. "It should be fun, right?"

I hoped I was right.

After rehearsal, I walked with Levi to his car. His silence was killing me. "I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm a little scared, and yeah, I'm an asshole."

"A lot of the things you said were correct," he said. "You're the reason for an increase in subscribers and likes."

"I'm not the only reason. It's still early. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Sure."

"Goodnight, boys," Memphis said, brushing against my arm on her way to her car.

"Goodnight, Memphis," I said, watching her walk away. She glanced over her shoulder once.

"Do you want her to come, too?"

"No. Why would I want her to come?"

"Never mind. Let's go," he said. He didn't resist as I brought my arm around his waist, walking with him to the nearby pub.

Levi talked about our upcoming tour and what was in store for me and the band, trying to ease my nerves. I wouldn't be at ease until after the first night on the road.

"I added Amy Winehouse to my playlist," I said. "You Know I'm No Good because that's me."

"Why is that you?"

"Because I'm no good, Levi. I killed my parents."

There, the truth was out in the open. We had known each other for four months, so it was about time I told him.

"You didn't kill your parents," he said as if he knew more than I did.

"Yes, I did... when I was eight years old. They died of carbon monoxide poisoning because of me. I took the battery out of the detector because I needed it. Don't you get it? I'm a murderer. Why would you want to be involved with a murderer?"

"You didn't kill your parents. If that happened, then... then I'm really sorry. That's horrible, but it's not your fault. How could you believe it's your fault?"

"Of course it's my fault. I'm only alive because I was at a friend's house. By the way, I picked some roses and left them on your steps. I hope that's okay." 

I didn't want to talk about the murders anymore, even though I was the one who brought it up.

"Yeah," he said, scratching the back of his head, something he did when he was confused. "You went from telling me how your parents died—if I believe it—to you leaving roses on my steps, which is really sweet, but I'm having a hard time figuring out where your head is at right now."

"I don't know where it's at, either," I said. "I just wanted you to know what kind of person I am."

"You're not a bad person."

"You have to say that. We're sleeping together."

"I'd say it even if we weren't sleeping together. If your parents died like you say they did, then that's a lot weighing on your conscience. You were eight years old. You didn't know what you were doing."

"I should be with my parents."

"There's nothing you can do about it, Ezra. You shouldn't be with them. You should be with us... you know, Sean, Isaiah, Memphis, and I."

"I have to get outta here." I had a habit of running away. It was that flee or fight mentality. Until I brought up my parents' deaths, Levi and I were having a good conversation.

"Hey," Levi ran up to me and draped his arm over my shoulders. "Come to my place tonight. I'll make you feel good."

"I don't deserve to feel good."

"Yes, you do. Come on, let's have some fun."

Yeah, we had some fun and I didn't deserve it, I didn't deserve his love.

Halfway through the night, I left Levi sleeping in bed, in the mood for music. After finding what I was looking for, I sat on the floor, listening to Billie Holliday.

As I listened to I'll Be Seeing You for the third time, Levi wandered out of the bedroom. More modest than I was, he wore pajama bottoms while I wore nothing.

"I think I'll sing this as my last song on my last day of work," I said. "There's nothing like Bille Holliday."

"No, there isn't," he said, sitting beside me. I brought my knees to my chest and curled up beside him.

"I wish I knew what was going on in your head," he said, bringing his arms around me, leaning against the couch.

"I can't sleep. I have an insomnia problem."

"There's something else. Is it your parents?"

"I don't know. Just be quiet and listen."

Sometimes Levi didn't know how to keep quiet when I needed him to stay quiet. Tonight he listened to me.

But then I realized he'd fallen back to sleep.

***

This morning I had to listen to another lecture from Aunt Ruth right before my last day of work. "I hope you know what you're doing," she started. I'd heard this a million times already. "You should reconsider going to college instead of galavanting with a cute boy across the country, following a pipe dream of his."

"It's not a pipe dream," I said, sipping my coffee. "At least he's Jewish, right?"

"He's non-practicing," she reminded me.

"Let him be, Ruth," Uncle David interjected. "He's an adult. He can make his own decisions."

"He's making some very bad decisions," she said.

"I'm only going for a couple of months," I said. "And I'm not following a cute boy, although he is cute. I'm not going because of him."

"Well, I hope you have a good time," David said. "Just be careful."

"Don't encourage him," she said.

"Maybe I'll go back to college when I come home," I said. "But I don't know what I want to be. I'm only good at singing and playing the guitar."

"You're good at other things," Ruthie said. "You just haven't figured it out yet. Make sure you take your medication."

"Are you done lecturing me? Because I'm done listening to you."

That was the end of that discussion for the time being.

At the end of my workday, I had the entire senior center in tears, including myself, as I sang I'll Be Seeing You. I was going to really miss them, but they all wished me the best, throwing me a going away party.

As I drove home, I second-guessed myself. Should I trust Sean and the rest? Am I just following Levi's pipe dream? I couldn't tell, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

I trusted Levi and Memphis, but both only had a small inkling of how messed up I was.

To distract myself from negative thoughts, I stood in the front yard, staring up into the dark sky, imagining my parents in the clouds.

"Ezra?" Memphis said as I looked up into the sky. I wasn't expecting any visitors. "What are you doing?"

"Waiting for the rain," I said. "What are you doing? Are you here to see Levi? I think he's at work, giving his last batch of lessons."

"I'm here to see you. I know today was your last day at work, and I thought maybe you'd be sad."

"I was sad, but now I'm okay," I said, continuing to stare into the sky as a few raindrops fell. "When I first met Levi, I told him I was in the mood to dissolve into the sky."

"Are you in the mood to dissolve today?"

"Maybe," I said. "Would you dissolve with me?"

"Maybe. Sometimes I feel like that, too."

I brought my head down quickly, making myself dizzy. I wobbled slightly. "Ooo, I'm dizzy," I said, holding my head. Memphis took a step closer and steadied me, holding my shoulders. "Are you packed yet?" I asked as rain spit in my face.

"No, not yet."

"Yeah, me neither. I'm going to need some help. I don't know what to pack. Hey, you wanna hear what I sang today?"

"Yes, I'd love to."

"If it wasn't raining, I'd sing it out here. Let's go in."

Memphis's eyes wandered around my room, standing by my desk that I hardly ever used as a kid. 

"I haven't had a girl in my room in a while," I said, picking up my guitar.

"Ooo, I feel naughty."

"I used to sneak girls in through the window," I said, sitting on the edge of my bed. "Yeah, I was naughty."

Memphis continued to stand at my desk as I  sang I'll Be Seeing You. She, too, was a very captivated audience.

"That was beautiful," she said with tears in her eyes. "I always think of The Notebook when I hear that song."  She turned around, facing my desk. "So, what are you doing here?"

Photos of me and my dad scattered my desk. I planned on making a video in honor of my dad, singing Father and Son, incorporating photos in the video. I'd learned a lot from Memphis's girlfriend. "I'm making a video for my dad. His birthday is coming up. One of our favorite songs is Father and Son, so that's what I'm going to sing."

"I can't wait to see it."

"Thank Melissa for me." Melissa did a phenomenal job with all of our music videos. "She's taught me a lot."

"Melissa... yeah... I don't think she'll be doing any more videos for us."

"Oh, no. Why?"

"When we come home, I'm moving back in with my parents until I find a place of my own."

"Why? What happened?"

"It's just not working out," she said, picking up a photo. "You were a cute kid. Very blond."

My platinum blond hair had turned a shade of light brown over the years.

"Did something happen?" I pried. I sensed Memphis was here for a reason, and it wasn't because she wanted to check on me. She could have texted me if she was that concerned.

"No, nothing happened... yet," she said.

"What do you mean yet? I'm so confused."

"It's not working out, okay?" she snapped.

"Sorry," I said, heading to my closet. "If you're not going to talk, then help me pack. I suck at making decisions on what to wear. I don't know what to pack."

I opened my overstuffed closet. A bunch of sneakers tumbled out.

"I have a sneaker addiction problem," I said, kicking a pair of sneakers out of my way.

"I'm having all these feelings, and I don't know what to do," she said as I pointed to different shirts. She either shook her head or nodded.

"Man, you're confusing, and I thought I was confusing. What are you talking about?"

"Most people think I'm gay, and for the most part I am, but there's this part of me that isn't."

"People think sexuality is black and white and that's not always the case. Are you involved with someone? Is that why you and Melissa split up?"

"I'm not involved with anyone," she said, helping me sort through my jeans. "You have a jeans addiction, too, and they're all similar."

"I like to shop," I said. "I think you like someone. Where'd you meet him?"

"I can't say," she said, swallowing hard.

"Why is it a secret? It's not like you and Melissa are together anymore. Don't tell me you're no longer a gold star lesbian."

"Shut up, Ezra," she said, irritated and annoyed at my insensitive big mouth. "It's scary for me... really scary. I'm crazy about this guy and I don't know what to do. What would you do?"

"You're asking me for advice? That's funny," I laughed, but Memphis wasn't laughing. She was close to tears. "Oh, no, don't cry. I'm sorry for being a dick. Man, I've been apologizing a lot lately."

I tossed my suitcase on my bed and neatly placed a couple of t-shirts in it.

"I'm not good at giving advice," I said. "Actually, if I were you I'd never take advice from me. Don't you have any other friends you can confide in?"

She shook her head, sitting down on my bed, tears falling down her pale cheeks. I had no idea what to do. Now she was crying, and I hated it when girls cried.

"Do you want me to sing something?" I asked, sitting beside her. "Sometimes it cheers you up. I can sing lots of Disney songs. You like Disney, right?"

She didn't respond, staring down at the floor.

"Do you think there're synagogues in Georgia?" I asked just to say something.

"I'm sure there are," she sniffed, her voice quivering. "I'm sorry I'm not Jewish."

"That's not a crime."

"I changed my mind. I want you to sing something. Sing Father and Son."

I picked up my guitar and sang my ode to my father. In the middle of the song she burst into full-blown tears.

"Oh, no. Don't cry. I hate it when girls cry, especially you."

I put down my guitar and hugged her. As I hugged her, I remembered how much I loved the curves of a woman, and she smelled so good. I bet her skin was super soft, too. I pulled away before I did something, taking advantage of a vulnerable woman. I really meant it when I said "I'm no good."

"Let me take you out to dinner," I said. "I think I have a few bucks. Unless you're busy."

"No, I'm free," she said.

"Do you like Chinese? I love Chinese food. Let's go."

Over dinner, we had a long conversation about high school and what it was like navigating our way through sexual confusion and identification. Sexual identification seemed more important to Memphis. I identified as Ezra Green, bipolar extraordinaire.