As always, I went willingly. There was no sense in fighting since I wanted help, although I spent weeks denying it. I was admitted to a hospital in Georgia, a place completely unfamiliar to me. People talked and looked at me differently because I wasn't from around there.

I wanted to go home, but they wouldn't let me. Instead of lithium, the shrink in the hospital prescribed Depakote because he didn't like lithium. I also had some blood work done. Apparently lithium had damaged my kidneys, and their function would only improve without lithium.

After three days, I checked myself out. Legally, the hospital could only keep me for seventy-two hours. After that, they had to petition the court for commitment, and since I denied any suicidal and homicidal ideation, they had no good reason to commit me. The shrink and counselors wanted me to stay, but I just wanted to go home. I promised to see my own shrink and therapist in Massachusetts.

Too ashamed to call or text Levi and the others, I went straight to the airport, forgetting all about my car. Aunt Ruth and Uncle David paid for my flight home and planned on meeting me at the airport in Boston. I assumed Levi would take care of my car. I hoped Ruth wouldn't say "I told you so." Those words would send me into another tailspin. In the end, she didn't say "I told you so," but, as she hugged me in the airport, I realized I didn't care what she said. I felt safe again.

"It's good to have you home," she said.

"I just want to go home," I said. "Let's go home."

Once back in my hometown, I saw my shrink and long-time psychotherapist, Alicia. For the first ten minutes in Alicia's office, I said nothing, staring down at the floor, too ashamed to look at my own therapist.

"Are you still having negative thoughts?" she asked me. That was a stupid question. Of course I was having negative thoughts. I was an idiot. Was I suicidal? No, not at the moment. Ask me tomorrow. "Please answer me, Ezra, otherwise, I may have to send you to the hospital."

"I'm not thinking about killing myself," I said, looking up at the ceiling, avoiding her eyes. "I fucked up. I really fucked up."

"Everyone makes mistakes," she said.

"This mistake is unforgivable. You can blame it on a bunch of things, but it was still me who slept with Memphis. I did it because I wanted to, and I wanted to because I didn't plan on being around the next day to deal with the consequences. I fucked Levi, then confessed what I did. He'll never forgive me. I don't blame him. I'll never forgive myself. Now I ruined everything for everyone: Levi, Memphis, Sean, and Isaiah. We had a good thing going, a promising future, and I blew it for everyone."

"How do you know you blew it? Have you talked to any of them?"

"No, I can't face them."

"Don't you think you owe it to them?"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going to pretend it never happened and go back to work."

"That's not very mature, and I don't think that's what you really want. I think you enjoyed being part of the band, and you're in love with the drummer. Levi's the drummer, right?"

"If I loved him, then how could I sleep with Memphis? It was wrong... so wrong."

"Yes, it was, but, like I said, everyone makes..."

"Yeah, everyone makes mistakes. I got that."

After fifty minutes, I didn't feel any better, not that I expected her to make me feel better. I deserved misery. On the way home, I listened to Pearl Jam's Elderly Woman. I hadn't listened to that song in a couple of months.

An hour after pacing around my bedroom, I sucked it up and called Levi. He didn't answer, so I texted him instead. Still nothing. The last time I checked our website and YouTube channel, Levi had taken my place as the lead singer. He wasn't bad, but I was better. I had to give him credit for stepping up. I called him again and that time he picked up.

"What?" he answered.

"I...I...I'm home," I said.

"Yeah, thanks for telling us. That was a real shitty thing you did, you know that? Just taking off like that and..."

"Can we FaceTime?" I asked, cutting him off. "I need to talk to you face to face."

"Yeah, fine," he sighed.

I sat in front of my iPad, waiting for Levi. In a few seconds, his face was in front of me. I wished he was sitting on my bed and not somewhere down south.

"I know an apology isn't sufficient," I said. "But I still need to say it. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, that's what you say."

What was I thinking? I didn't expect a Levi to accept my apology.

"Shit," I muttered, rubbing my forehead. "I don't know what to do, Levi. I love you. I've never loved anyone before."

"I don't have time for this, Ezra."

"Okay, I won't keep you. Just tell me one thing. Who else did you lose? You told me you didn't want to lose anyone else. Who was it?"

He paused, looking away before responding, as if he had no intention of telling me.

"My first real boyfriend shot himself in the head when we were twenty. I didn't cope well," he said with an unreadable expression on his face. "I spent some time in a hospital because I was about to lose my mind. I wanted to be with him. You think I'm clueless, Ezra, so you confide in Memphis instead. Yeah, she's almost as fucked up as you, but I'm not as clueless as you think I am. Maybe I should have said something when I noticed you spiraling out of control, but it's hard to tell with you. I couldn't tell what was you or something else. Now I know, not that it matters anymore."

"I'm sorry for your loss," I said. "Maybe you're drawn to the mentally ill."

"I can deal with mental illness," he said. "I can't deal with cheaters. What you did..."

"I would never have done it if I was thinking straight," I said. "And now Memphis knows she'd rather be with Melissa, a woman, instead of a man."

"So that justifies what you did?"

"No, it doesn't. It means it won't ever happen again."

"How do I know? What about the next cute girl you meet? You like women. You're drawn to them, and I don't know if I can be with someone like that. I don't know if I could ever give you what you want."

"You're so narrow-minded. You never accepted me as who I am. What if Memphis was a man? You'd feel just as hurt and angry, right? It has nothing to do with a man or woman."

Levi had no response.

"Maybe our personalities are too different," I said, my voice quivering subtly. "I can change my actions but not my personality. Maybe we shouldn't be together."

"Yeah," he said, looking down and away.

"Good luck on the rest of the tour," I said, fighting back my tears. I didn't want to cry in front of him. "Bye, Levi. Thanks for everything. It was fun while it lasted."

He didn't say anything, merely nodding. I ended the call, bursting into tears. As if on cue, Aunt Ruth appeared. Pacing around my room, wringing my fingers, I was on the verge of tearing my room apart.

"Leave me alone, Ruthie."

"I can't leave you alone when you're like this," she said.

"Please, go," I said. "I'm not going to kill myself. I'm just going to feel sorry for myself for awhile."

When she didn't listen to me, I closed the door on her face. "Sorry, Ruthie," I said behind my door. "I just need to be alone."

"I'll check on you in five minutes."

"Fine," I said, throwing myself on the bed.

I stared up at the ceiling, waiting for my tears to dissipate and for this dark mood to lift. After moping for an hour, I decided I wasn't going to let Levi go without a fight. I fetched my guitar and turned my iPad back on.

"Hi, Levi. I don't expect you to forgive me right now, but I hope you will someday. You changed my life, and I don't want to let you go. I've been working on a new playlist. It's called Ezra and Levi's playlist. Maybe you'll listen to it someday. This song sorta reminds me of you... of us."

With my iPad positioned just right, facing me, I started to play Mazzy Star's Fade into You. Within a couple of bars, I broke down so I had to start again and again, finally making it all the way through on the sixth try. Once satisfied with the recording, I forwarded it to Levi. I didn't know what else I could do or what else I could say. I just had to wait and hope.

***

Although I wasn't ready to go back to work, I wanted to see my friends again, tired of staring at the four walls in my room. I stopped at the senior center where I received a warm welcome.

"Hey, there's the boy!" Herbert announced as I entered. Everyone gave me an undeserving round of applause.

"Hi, everyone," I said.

"Where ya been?" Don asked.

"He's been singing with his friends, isn't that right? On BoobTube," Herbert said.

"BoobTube is TV," Don corrected him. "Don't you know nothin'? It's YouTube. Get with the program."

Millie wasn't there and Jeanette was dozing in her seat. "Where's Millie?" I asked.

"She's in the hospital again," Gloria said. "She's not doing so well this time. She's lived a long life."

"Yeah, ninety-eight," Joe added. "Not bad."

"Enough talk," Herbert said. "Get over here, Ezra, and play with us... for old time's sake."

Thinking about Millie, wishing we had had one more dance together, I sat down in my usual spot among the three men. Herbert shuffled the cards and dealt them out. I really missed these guys.

"How was your adventure?" Mrs. Carpenter asked.

"It was... an adventure you could say," I said, deciding to leave it at that.

If I had brought my guitar, I would have sung a little Sinatra. After our heated game of gin—that I lost—I went to the piano and played and sang Bring it on Home to Me before leaving. I promised I'd be back soon. Not in the mood to go home, I visited my parents at the cemetery and sat there for an hour, begging for forgiveness. I'd never stop blaming myself.

By the time I got home, it was close to six o'clock. I noticed that my car was back in the driveway. If my car was back, that only meant one thing: Levi was back, too. But I didn't stop at Levi's apartment to see if he was there. Instead, I went home.

"Where have you been?" Aunt Ruth asked as I entered the house.

"Out and about."

"Well, there's a present for you in your room."

What present? My birthday was months ago. Upon entering my room, I found Levi lying in my bed on top of the covers, flipping through a photo album I made of my parents. A bouquet of yellow roses sat on my desk. I liked yellow roses, but I didn't deserve them.

"Um... uh... what are you doing here?" I asked, my heart beating out of my chest. I wasn't expecting to see him.

"I came to get you," he said.

"What are you talking about?"

"We're on the Late Show in two days," he said. "The TV network doesn't want me. They want you. They'll cancel us if you're not there."

"That's why you're here?" I said, not too impressed that he was there in my room just because he and the others needed me.

"I've been driving for two days straight," he said. "Do you think that's the only reason why I'm here?"

"Well, I don't know," I said, approaching him on my bed. "It looks like it to me."

"That's not why I'm here," he said, reaching for my hands. "I'm not ready to let you go."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. I would love it if you serenaded me. Sing Fade Into You."

I smiled. He liked the video I sent him.

"Yeah... okay," I said.

As I sat on the edge of the bed, singing and playing, he sat behind me, his legs on either side of me, my back to him. I almost messed up as he slipped his hands up the back of my shirt. He kissed the side of my neck. Did this mean he forgave me?

I stopped, letting Levi lift my shirt over my head. Bare chested, I turned slightly, singing the song directly to him.

But I couldn't sing anymore, my eyes fixed with his. "We miss you," he said, squeezing the back of my neck. "I miss you, Ezra. We have to take care of each other, right?"

"Yeah," I swallowed hard.

Levi scooted back on the bed, leaning against the headboard and waiting for me as I placed my guitar against the wall. I removed my jeans and lay beside him in only my underwear.

"I only want to be with you," I said. "Touch me."

With one arm around me, he slipped his hand inside my underwear. As he stroked me, I brought my lips to his. He only stopped kissing me to take off his shirt and undo his jeans. I wiggled out of my underwear, falling into his arms.

"Aunt Ruth is probably right outside my door," I said, breaking away from him to kneel between his legs. "But we'll be quiet." I tugged his jeans and boxers off. We could have gone to his place, but I didn't want to ruin the mood.

I kissed his lips once before going down on him. In another few minutes, he pushed me on my back. As if he had this all planned out, he came prepared. I moaned against his neck, clawing his back as he thrust inside me.

"Ezra, dinner's ready," Ruthie said behind my door.

Levi instantly stopped moving, his body tense.

"Yeah, okay, Ruthie," I said. "Wanna stay for dinner?" I asked him.

"Sure," he said. "Should I keep going? This is weird. I feel like a teenager."

"Keep going," I said, wrapping my legs around his body.

We muffled our moans against each other's necks. I loved Levi and knew he was the one I wanted to be with. If only I could keep myself from falling into the depths of insanity. When manic or severely depressed, I hardly remembered what I did or why I did it.

"I'm nervous," I said seconds after finishing. Levi's lips trailed along my collarbone. "What if I fuck up? What if the medication isn't working and I go crazy? What if...?"

"We're only doing this one show and coming home to do some gigs around Boston. I'm not going to let you out of my sight."

Ten minutes after Ruthie announced that dinner was ready, Levi and I finally got dressed.

"What took you boys so long?" Ruthie said as we sat down. Levi's face turned bright red.

"We were busy," I said. "By the way, I'm going back on the road."

"Oh, no, Ezra," Ruthie groaned.

"Yep. I'm gonna be on TV," I said. "No, we're going to be on TV... you know, Levi and everyone else. It should be fun, right? Are you gonna watch?"

"Yeah, of course," Uncle David said. "We wouldn't miss it for anything."

Auth Ruth reached for Levi's hand and pressed her hand on top of his. "You'll take good care of him, right?"

"Oh, come on, Ruth," David said. "Stop meddling."

"I'll do what I can," Levi said. She pulled her hand away and resumed eating.

"Everything's cool. I'm only going to be gone a few days," I said. "I promise I won't fuck up."

Levi elbowed me in my ribs, probably because I swore in front of Ruth and David. Sometimes I had no control over my mouth and f-bombs just spilled out.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

I spent the night with Levi at his place where me made love half the night, making up for lost time. Only two weeks into this new medication and I was feeling somewhat better. Levi had something to do with it, too, and the fact that everyone was willing to give me a second chance.

By ten in the morning, Levi and I were back on the road, reaching New York City in four hours. Everyone else drove up from Georgia. I hadn't seen anyone since I was taken away. They acted as if nothing had happened and were glad to see me back. Sean just wanted to practice, to make sure we were good to go for tomorrow night. Melissa wasn't yet ready to take Memphis back. "Maybe someday," she said. Our initial interactions were awkward, but we got over it, focusing on the music instead.

And then the night came, and I freaked out. About to throw up, I ran to the bathroom, but it was only a false alarm; I didn't throw up. Panic-stricken, I locked myself in the bathroom and paced back and forth, convinced I'd mess up and destroy the band's future. Reminiscent of a couple of weeks ago, Levi pounded on the door. At least I was dressed and ready for showtime—if I could only get my act together. While Levi begged me to open the door, I stopped pacing to look at myself in the mirror. Levi had picked out a black button down shirt and black jeans. I looked good, so what was the problem?

Okay... okay... I'm going. I can do this.

As Levi was about to knock again, I swung open the door. "Is this going to be a habit of yours?" he asked. "Because I don't know if I can take it."

"Are you okay?" I asked, placing my hands on his shoulders.

"It's not me I'm worried about," he said.

"I'm okay," I exhaled. I kissed his cheek and hugged him. "Let's do this thing."

I prayed I wouldn't mess up, and my prayers were answered. Maybe there was hope for me, after all.

We'll see.

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