"I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother." Martha Gellhorn, Selected Letters

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XXII.

The next morning, Cecily did not ring her bell for Naismith as she usually did. Instead, she put on her robe and went through what had once been the duke's study and entered into Peregrine's bedroom.

It was a passageway that had been used for two centuries by the dukes and duchesses of Ashwood, and yet Cecily believed that this was quite possibly the first time that she had used it. She certainly had never taken it upon herself to visit her husband. Not once.

It made her laugh, really, to remember that Peregrine had arranged for his study to be moved some years ago as though Cecily would have a desire to disturb him.

Peregrine was still in bed, and it shocked her a little for a moment before she saw the soft rises and falls of his chest as he breathed. He did look awful. His skin was pale, and as thin as paper. She could see every vein underneath it. The sickness was eating away at him and he had lost a considerable amount of weight in the last month or so.

It astonished her that neither Jack nor Susanna had realised their father was ill. Susanna, perhaps, was too much of an optimist to think the worst. Jack was often far too busy with his nose buried in a book as he flouted responsibility to notice anyone else.

As Cecily took a seat in the chair near Peregrine's bed, Cecily wondered if she would have been able to ever love her husband had she not met with Edward Denham. Perhaps she might have. Perhaps if she had been more loving, Peregrine would not have had to seek comfort elsewhere.

She did not at all blame Peregrine for his choices. Once she had lost her heart to Edward, she could never open it again for him, especially not so soon after having it broken. She never gave Peregrine a chance. She had hardened herself, becoming an entirely unpleasant person to live with, to protect herself from being hurt in such a way again.

Peregrine had developed a dislike for her that could only be in response to her behaviour towards him. Though he had never been cruel to her. Their marriage had been doomed from the moment they stood at the altar.

Really, from the moment that Cecily had confided in her mother. Peregrine might have been like Sarah in the beginning. He could have been kind and sweet to her if she'd taken the opportunity to notice. But Cecily had changed him. Just as Adam would change Sarah.

Selfishly though, Cecily did not really care about Sarah Ashley's feelings at the moment in time. Adam was walking along a precipice and he needed help. He needed someone to say that happiness was important, that love was important. Her son deserved the life that Cecily had so wanted for herself.

And perhaps God was giving her an odd sort of second chance in being able to pave the way for her son and Edward's daughter.

The idea made the hair on the back of her neck stand up, it shocked her so. Never in her wildest dreams could she have believed that she would ever even consider allowing such a match. She had spent so much of Adam's life preventing such a union.

Her reasons for preventing the match still stood. Grace was nobody. She was poor. She was low born. She was a servant in their own household.

Though Edward was a tradesman, he shared the same characteristics with his daughter. And yet it hadn't mattered to Cecily. At sixteen, she was prepared to bake their own bread and sweep their own floors.

Just as Edward wasn't nobody to Cecily, Grace was not nobody to Adam. And God forbid, if she prevented their marriage, and the poor girl died ... she never wanted any of her children to feel as she had five years ago.

"Perry," Cecily uttered, stirring her husband from his slumber.

Peregrine's eyes fluttered open lethargically and he turned his head towards the sound of his name. He looked upon Cecily indifferently, and then with a confused expression. He, too, was aware that Cecily had never visited him in his bedroom before.

"What are you doing in here?" he asked drowsily. He tried to sit up a little, but he lacked the core strength.

Cecily immediately stood up and went to him, leaning over him to fetch the pillow from the other side of the bed to help prop him up. "I need to talk to you about Adam," she said quietly. She took a seat on the edge of the bed beside him.

"What about Adam?" Peregrine inquired.

"He's miserable," Cecily stated simply.

Peregrine sucked in a shallow breath as he nodded his head once. "He's tired," he replied. "I know he is. I have been working him hard to prepare him."

"He's not just tired, Perry," Cecily reasoned, frowning sadly. "He is being marched rapidly towards a wife he doesn't love by both of us."

Peregrine stared at her, a true look of shock upon his face. "Well," he said in amazement, "and pigs might fly."

Cecily tsked as she rolled her eyes. "I know that I am not the right person to be discussing felicity in marriage ..."

"No," Peregrine agreed, interrupting her.

Cecily took a breath. "I am sorry, Perry," she said sincerely. "I am truly sorry for how I have behaved towards you in all our years together."

Peregrine looked as though he might have remarked about the pigs again. He had certainly not been expecting an apology from Cecily, nor had she ever believed she would offer one. But he didn't make fun of her. Instead, he uttered, "That is very big of you, Cecily."

"Our son has forced me to reflect upon my life a great deal," Cecily continued. "To think about what it might have been like had I been able to choose."

"Choose someone else, you mean," Peregrine surmised calmly.

Cecily wasn't going to lie. She nodded. "Yes. What might my life have been like had I not been forced into a marriage by my family?" she posed. "What might your life have been like had you had a wife who could love you as you deserve."

Peregrine shook his head. "I do not have any regrets in my life," he informed her. "And like you, I have spent a lot of my time these last months reflecting. While we may not have been a love match, Cecily, I have three children whom I love, and our marriage ensures that I leave them a healthy and strong estate, a legacy for them to be proud of."

"I do not regret our children," Cecily agreed, "even though Jack vexes me more than he pleases me," she added. "I am glad that I became a mother. But I do have regrets, Perry," she said sadly. "I wonder what my life might have been like had I married for love. I know I would not be the hard, cold woman I have become. I know because of how I behaved, you have spent much of our marriage hating me ... and that only made me resent you."

Peregrine pursed his lips and thought for a moment. "I never hated you," he countered, "I never particularly liked you, but I never hated you."

Cecily huffed, for some reason his wording making her smile. "I never made you happy. I could never have made you happy, Perry. I honestly do not know if I could ever make anyone happy again. And I worry for Adam because he is so like me." She watched as Peregrine's eyebrows rose. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" she guessed. "You probably think that Adam is nothing like me. Adam is warm, he is loving, he is caring, he is dedicated and passionate and headstrong. He would go to the ends of the earth for those he loves, and he is exactly like I was when I was a young girl. He does not realise how like his mother he is."

"You are worried Adam will become as you are now," concluded Peregrine.

"I am not worried," replied Cecily. "I know he will become like me. In a year, in five years ... in time I won't recognise him. Adam will do as you ask, Perry," Cecily said softly. "If you tell him to marry Sarah, he will. But do not we, as his parents, have a responsibility to encourage him to be happy? My parents never did, and I am certain yours did not, either. Must we repeat their mistakes?"

Peregrine thought for a long while, leaning back against his pillows and staring up at the canopy above him. "It is the responsibility of the eldest Beresford son to ensure that the estate is maintained through a wealthy marriage," he stated simply.

Cecily's heart sank as she heard Peregrine's decision. It did not surprise her, really. It was the way of things and did not she know the way.

"So, let us hope that Adam's eldest son falls hopelessly in love with an heiress, shall we?" Peregrine continued, chuckling quietly to himself.

Cecily nearly choked on her own tongue a she gasped.

Peregrine found her expression all the more amusing. "The estate is in good condition," he said simply. "Susanna is taken care of, your pension and trust are ensured, and Ashwood's investments ensure a wealthy income. Perhaps some of the plans that I had for Sarah's dowry will not come to fruition, but, as I said, our future grandson may yet marry rich." He laughed again to himself. "Oh, the scandal." He smirked and shook his head. "The scandal will be great indeed."

If there was one thing that Cecily had learned in all her years as once of the highest peers in England, it was how to handle a scandal, and how not to handle a scandal.

"You leave society to me," Cecily murmured.

Peregrine took a deep breath, or at least as deep a breath that he could manage. "I am glad to have seen this side to you, Cecily," he noted. "Compassion was not a trait I thought you possessed, and I am glad to be wrong." He smiled, his weary face now struggling. "So, I must ask you also extend that compassion to our middle child."

Cecily's posture straightened. "Jack will have my compassion when his immediate reaction to something not turning out his way is not getting drunk and destroying something," she said distastefully.

Peregrine nodded, reluctantly agreeing with her. "Jack has a lot to learn," he allowed. "He needs to find his purpose. It wasn't the clergy, and he is surely not disciplined enough for the army. If you can mend fences with Adam, then you can find an olive branch for Jack, as well."

Cecily knew that Peregrine was right. Once Adam had hopefully ended his years of hating her, she would need to turn her attention to Jack. What career could he make out of a penchant for whiskey and books, she wondered?

"I still know your mind, Cecily, even if we have not seen eye to eye on many things," Peregrine muttered. "Compassion," he emphasised. "You know how not to handle Jack. Learn from that." He was quiet for a minute before he said, "She is a good girl, Grace Denham."

Cecily silently agreed. No matter how she had tried to dislike her, Grace Denham had certainly taken everything in stride. She had to admit ... she had not known many daughters in her lifetime who would support her family as she was. She was a responsible girl ... a responsible young woman.

Peregrine did not notice the tear that fell down Cecily cheek as she thought of Edward in that moment. Silently, she promised him that would treat his beloved daughter right.

"Go and fetch our son, will you?"

***

Adam did not think he had ever seen both of his parents in his father's bedroom before now. It was a little unsettling, and that was on top of the twisted nerves he was feeling at being summoned at such an hour. His first thought had been, terrifyingly, this his father was taking his last breaths.

He had quickly pulled on breeches under his night shirt as he had followed his mother into Peregrine's bedroom. His father looked paler this morning, and Adam's breath caught in his throat as he wished him a good morning.

Cecily looked as demure and as calm as Adam had ever seen her, especially in the presence of his father. He could quite possibly count on one hand the number of civil conversations that he had witnessed between his mother and father.

"Sit down, Adam," Cecily gestured to the chair by the bed as she sat down on the edge of the mattress.

Adam did so suspiciously.

"Your father and I have been discussing your marriage this morning," Cecily informed him.

Adam resisted the urge to blaspheme. After everything, his mother had run to his dying father to get him to insist on the marriage to Sarah. Lord, he could curse that selfish woman.

"You needn't have bothered," Adam snapped quietly. "I know your wishes."

"Listen to your mother, Adam," Peregrine demanded.

That was definitely the first time that he had heard those words from his father. He straightened his posture as he looked at his mother curiously.

Cecily folded her hands in her lap, as though she was mulling over what exactly to say to him, and Adam could not help but be pessimistic. Surely not ...

"Believe it or not, Adam, but you are very like me," Cecily revealed to him. "When I was younger, before I got married. It startles me sometimes how much of myself I see in you." Cecily's eyes narrowed upon Adam's expression. "And that might sound ludicrous, and you might not want to hear that you are like your horrid mama, but you are. And I worry that you will grow bitter and cold as the years go on, as I did in a marriage that was not of my choosing."

Adam sat frozen.

"No need for drawn out details, Cecily. Tell the boy the news he wants to hear," Peregrine hurried, "or I might die while waiting for you to get to the point."

As Adam and Cecily stared at Peregrine, he laughed at his own wicked joke.

Cecily huffed, before returning her attention to Adam. "We want you to be happy," she said simply. "Your father and I have agreed not to repeat the choices of our parents. In saying that, we are giving you the choice."

Adam blinked several times, hard, making certain that he was awake and not dreaming. He had to be hallucinating. There was no way that these two people, who looked like his parents, could be them. "I think I'm having a stroke," Adam spluttered. "What are you saying?"

Cecily looked to Peregrine, who said, "We are saying that if you like, you may choose your bride," he said simply. "I still firmly believe that a match with money is a smart match, but your mother has been quite your champion. I want to leave you knowing you are happy, Adam."

"Mother ...?" Adam stared at Cecily, who offered him a slight, kind smile.

"Will Grace make you happy?" Cecily asked Adam simply.

A wave of elation erupted throughout Adam's chest as he burst out of the chair and got to his feet. Would Grace make him happy? Yes, he was certain of it. Adam wanted nothing more than the time to court her properly, so that they could know each other as adults before he proposed to her, which he would inevitably do. God, he wanted nothing more than to run upstairs and bang her door down to tell her the news, to beg her to let him court her.

"Yes!" exclaimed Adam. "Yes, she will. I ... I cannot believe this!" Adam raced over to his mother and kissed her hard on the cheek, causing Cecily to gasp and steady herself. "Thank you, Mother, sincerely!" Had she listened to him? Had she thought over what he had said to her on the stairs the evening before? She had to have done. He then bent down and kissed his father on top of his head. "Thank you, Father."

"This is your mother's idea," Peregrine replied, "so you mind her," he instructed, "and respect her. I expect it."

Adam looked back at Cecily, who did indeed appear very bashful at the unusual praise of her husband. "I will," he promised her, promised them both.

"You must not race off to Grace," Cecily interjected. "Things must be done properly. You must see to Sarah first." 

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Hope you enjoyed it! 

I cannot tell you how I LOVED waking up this morning and reading your comments on the last chapter -- I TRICKED YOU ALL HEHEHEHEHEHE

No, honestly nothing makes me feel better than you guys NOT seeing twists coming. You know I like to keep you on your toes ;)

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