0006. CHAPTER SIX
— falling into the same bad habits

AUGUSTINE FINLEY LIKED TO THINK THAT EVERY PERSON WHO CAME INTO HER LIFE WAS ANOTHER CHAPTER IN THE STORY THAT WAS CONSTANTLY CHANGING. She knew the minute that Dick Grayson walked into it, however, that everything had changed. He had singled-handedly come in and rewritten some of the things she was sure would happen. Being the headstrong person she is (or maybe was, she couldn't quite tell if she had lost the fire she once had as a young girl) she had told herself there were some things she was never going to do. The biggest one of them all: she was never going to be like her mother. She wouldn't allow herself to get hurt the same way — not by a best friend, not by a loved one, not even by her family. Augustine Finley was sure of that, she wouldn't allow anyone to get close. Can't get hurt if you let no one in, at least, that's how she was trying to think of it. But then Dick Grayson weaseled his way into her life, shredding that idea of not being close to anyone and making her realize just how much she had missed out on by doing so. Augustine then understood why her mother never regretted the things she had done and the people she had gotten close to. Why her mother always pushed her to go out there and socialize, just how much she was missing out on in her life because she was trying to protect her heart from something that can't be protected from.

She was at the very least grateful to Dick for that — even if she had gone through tremendous pain because of the things he had done to her. He still taught her about the good things that came from having people around that cared for her. He opened her world to something she had never once thought about and made her think it was okay to get hurt because she'd get back up again. Confirmed that her fears were alright, that it was okay to be afraid of having her heart broken by someone else. But that, in the end, she'd be able to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. That any heart, whether it's been shattered and torn and out back together with tiny pieces still missing, can get the job done. He pushed her into a world she would have avoided if she could, which she was thankful for. She wouldn't be the person she is today if it wasn't for that push, that welcoming "you'll be okay, it's okay to put yourself out there" that Dick gave her before every gala. She wouldn't be half the doctor she was today if it wasn't for being pushed by Dick Grayson to make connections.

To form bonds between her and people, even as they leave this world. Augustine can't count the number of times she's been the one to hold the hand of someone as they die, afraid of being alone. How many times she's heard someone's life story only to see their final chapter come to a close. Her heart ached every single time she thought of it — because what would her story look like? Was she going to have something worth telling someone by the end of it. Will she have children? Grandchildren? Or will she be like some of the people she's been there for, alone in the same way they had entered this Earth. That was the only thing that Augustine resented Dick for, he opened up this world to her of having her heart open to the public. A life where she craved being around other people, getting to see them and interact with them. But, what happens if in the end of it everyone's eyes open and they see her for who she really was? An imposter of a human being just trying to survive. Dick had left her behind in a trail of dust, what was stopping every other person in her life from doing the same exact thing?

Yet, Augustine never found herself losing hope in life. She believed that things would work out the way they were supposed to in the end, they always would. And sure, she could wish for all she could ever want, but that would never change whatever it was that life had waiting for her in the end. Augustine Thomasine Finley had a lot of hopes that got crushed as she was growing up — that was just a fact of life. But she never lost faith in the capabilities of the universe to guide her to be exactly where she needed to be. She wasn't a devout person, there were parts of her that questioned the existence of any higher power (or maybe that was just the cynicism from a world that continues to tear people down taking), but the universe was something she believed in. When she thought about it, it all came down to her powers. As much as she tried to forget about them — tried to push them down and act as if they didn't exist. She couldn't turn them off. There was no on-off switch for the powers that lived within her. Nothing that stopped the thin veil of reality from calling out to her. The ease of falling into knowing what would happen in mere minutes, or being able to change what was happening to people in the present.

Augustine Finley didn't believe in a higher power for one reason really, she had a hard time believing God would trust her with the ability to change reality. Especially when there were people out there who would actually do something good — something better — with it. Instead, the powers were passed down to someone who liked to pretend they weren't even there. Someone who came to detest the color purple because of her powers and would do anything to act as if they weren't even there. Augustine Finley would do anything to give away the gene that caused this. To put it into someone else's genome, let them be the ones to suffer the consequences. To be kept up at night with thoughts of hundreds of thousands of people plagued by their day-to-day lives. Things that, in theory, seem relatively simple, something no one should be kept up at night for. Worrying whether they got a job or if their interview went right. Scared that they didn't do well on an exam or that they hadn't studied enough for it. Augustine would give that ability to anyone, it would've been helpful to her while in medical school to get a decent night's sleep. To not be kept up at night.

However, when she thought about it, that wasn't even the worst. The thoughts could be tuned out at some point, or she could focus on one person. When she was younger, it was always Dick. She couldn't hear him anyways — silence was an added benefit. And then she lost her best friend, so she found someone else to focus on. Roy was vastly different from Dick, his thoughts were loud and often scrambled. They never failed to make her laugh, she was always able to find something in his thoughts that was unexpected. Or something that made her heart swell with happiness, like the fleeting thoughts he had every morning. The way his first two thoughts in the morning were encapsulated by herself and Lian. Roy never even thought about himself, not when he first woke up. Every morning, without fail, Roy pulled Augustine closer to him and nuzzled his face into her neck. He would stay there momentarily, listening to Augustine's heartbeat and feeling her chest rise and fall with each breath she took. His mind would settle down, the thoughts and ideas of something that happened to her overnight working themselves out. And after a few moments in his world of peace, he would shift out of bed, ensuring not to wake her up. He would have loved to say something to her or see her smile, but he knew how much she needed her sleep. Not that she was getting much of it, she always woke up when his hand touched her hip. She was just good at faking her sleep for his peace of mind. These morning moments were when her guard came down. She slipped into the thin-laid veils of people's minds without any effort — Roy was someone she knew like clockwork.

And Lian was a five-year-old whose thoughts were changing with the wind, yet, it never failed to bring a smile to her face when she thought about both of them.

They were, however, a vast contrast to what waking up in Dawn and Hanks's apartment was like. Even waking up just from a nap, Augustine felt herself lose a bit of her composure. Minds didn't feel nearly as difficult to read, and suddenly, she was jumping between the minds of everyone in the apartment. But most of all, she was drawn to the mind of someone she had been in before. Someone who had always been a hard read for her — the person who had learned quickly how to hide his thoughts from his best friend who was able to read them. Or maybe he didn't have many of them, Augustine had always left that as a possibility for things, but she believed that he didn't want her reading his thoughts. So he trained his mind to hide them from her, at the least, he trained himself to resist her entering his thoughts. This time, it was harder for him to do that. Augustine was supposed to be napping (she had barely gotten about thirty minutes of sleep before her body decided she wasn't ready for a nap), why would he keep up a defense against a person who was sleeping? She almost wanted to laugh. He used to keep the barriers up when they would nap together after high school, a joke about how he didn't want her slipping into his dreams would leave his lips before they both passed out on the bed next to one another.

Maybe it wasn't much of a surprise that Dick had let his guard down — it had been years since they had seen each other, and it was bound to happen. He was bound to forget how to bottle up his emotions anymore. Then again, she couldn't help but think about the fact that he had spoken to her through thoughts just a few hours before. Maybe he was underestimating her — she couldn't fault him for that. People normally get rustier over time, especially with things they never use. But Augustine had found her powers only grew with age, they got stronger and more refined. Something with age was causing the gene to become better expressed. Perhaps it was the effect that age has on chromosomes, a greater chance of mutations and mishaps occurring during the replication of DNA before mitosis. But, she liked to argue she wasn't that old (she was still in her twenties, finally able to start living her life now that she was out of school for what felt like the first time in forever). She knew it was the opposite of what everyone else expected from her. Most people thought her powers would have been gone without her using them — Augustine liked to think that her life would have been simpler if that were the case. It would have been better. The toughest battles seek out the people who can actually win them, though, right? That's what Augustine had always told herself during the times when she questioned why she even had the powers.

She was given the powers because she was someone worthy of having them. Someone who would find a use for them one day, Augustine liked to think she had. Even if she wasn't fighting crime, saving people in the traditional way. There was something about using her powers, using her knowledge of controlling her powers, it went a long way. Being able to help people in any way other than saving their lives in the non-medical sense was something she could get around. Augustine had no qualms with saving lives in the hospital or if someone were to collapse on the street, but stopping a bullet or breaking a knife? Just because she could, didn't mean she wanted to. Though, she would do it if the situation arose. She knew that deep down. No matter how much talk she gave and the things she said — there was no universe where she would let someone die from something she knew she could stop. Whether that was a medical condition or something that life throws at someone. If she could stop it, she would. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Using her powers for fun or just because was never her thing until it came to Dick Grayson. He had convinced her to use her powers more when they were teens. Made her feel different — the good kind of different — because of them. Augustine felt seen in a way she had never been before, as if she had turned into glass, allowing him to look in and see all of the things she was insecure about. Perhaps that was why they were such fast friends.

Why they had grown so close, so quickly.

Or maybe they were simply two pieces of the same star waiting to find their home again. Stardust simply sloshed in the sky until they could combine and shine brighter than they had before. Stars only last for so long until they dim, that might have been why they stopped talking. Their light had burned out, their star wasn't one of the brightest anymore, and they needed to find a new person to create a star with. Augustine was sure she had found hers in Roy, but who had Dick found? She watched him from the crack in the door as he got on the phone with Alfred trying to get some money. Her eyes trailed him as he got up to walk towards her bedroom door before he turned on his heels and went to the front door. Eyebrows pulling together, she couldn't help but question why he needed money. And why was he calling Alfred for it? Then again, she couldn't help but think that maybe there was a different reason they stopped being friends. Maybe she might have not have dimmed, but his part of the star had died long before she left for school.

Because the man that stood in front of her now was not the Dick Grayson she remembered. People change, sure, that's a fact of life, Augustine knew that. They don't change as much as he did without something else going on, Augustine also knew that much. Two days weren't long enough to dig deep into the crevices of his mind to understand why, she wasn't sure that it would have been the best thing to do anyway. Would it have been fair to him for her to read his mind? To break into his every thought, every memory. Every moment of his life, from the years they became friends to the last thought he had. She was sure his memories would paint into a movie she never wanted to see — things that she would never be able to unsee. That might have been why she fought against it, seeing the memories. Digging any further than what she needed to do. A part of her wanted to keep herself ignorant of how he had changed — if she remembered him as one thing, he could forever live as the teenager who opened her eyes to what the world offered her. She could remember Dick Grayson as the young boy that broke all of her rules and reminded her of the good things in life. She could remember him as her best friend that changed her entire outlook on life.

That was good enough for her. At least it was when she thought about it before. But now that he had been right in front of her, she had been so close to feeling as though he could be back in her life again, and there he was walking out of that door. Augustine couldn't help but wish she had pushed harder to know who he was now, maybe then she would know what he was doing. As much as she refused to admit it to anyone else, she missed him. There would always be some part of her that needs Dick Grayson to remind her of the other side of life. In the weird cynical way he always did — Augustine couldn't find that anywhere else. Roy, bless his heart, tried to fill that void. He did. But it was never the same, instead he filled his own separate role that Augustine didn't know she needed.

The pit in her stomach only grew as the sound of her phone ringing, breaking her free of her thoughts — eyes glancing to the screen of her phone in order to see who was calling. A smile formed on her lips at the sight of Roy's profile picture, only to morph into the worried frown that matched exactly what she was feeling. Her thumb wavered over the screen, as if she was struggling to know if she was going to answer it or not. A part of her wanted to ignore the call (call him back later, say she was busy doing something else for Rachel) because she knew Roy would tell something was wrong just by her tone of voice. Roy Harper may not have been trained by the worlds greatest detective, but he was somehow the best at reading people. At least, that's what Augustine tried to rationalize it as. No one else (not even Dick) had been able to read her like that, as if he was the author who knew exactly what he meant for her to be. Like a man who knew the words put on the page to make her who she was — Roy Harper was the one who could do that. Not anyone else.

So, she should have known better than try to mask her voice when she answered the phone. All she was met with was apprehension from Roy and a simple statement, "Do you need me to come and help?"

Augustine's first instinct was to deny any of his help (nothing new, she never took help from people even if she could have used it), yet a part of her wanted to say yes. To say that she needed him out there, even if it was just to have him there. To feel him next to her, to have him hold her hand as she treaded through the treacherous waters that always came with Dick Grayson. And yet, Augustine knew deep down that he has other things to be doing. Other work that was far more important than being a figure of moral support for his girlfriend. And she also knew that that wouldn't matter to him, not one bit. He wouldn't even think twice about packing up his car, dropping Lian off at Ollie's, and driving down to DC. There would be no question whatsoever, and a selfish part of Augustine wanted him to do that. Whether it was for the right reasons or not — Augustine was not sure. She took in a breath, letting it come out shakily before she spoke, "You don't need to."

"August," Roy's tone was one laced with worry, a tone Augustine had heard plenty of times before. Roy always worried over something, whether it was about her or about Lian, Roy Harper always had a reason to be worried. "You don't sound like you're okay."

"Okay is a subjective term," Augustine shrugged despite him not being able to see her. "It's just difficult being back around Dick, you know? Like he used to be my best friend, the person who I grew up with, and now it's almost like we're strangers. Strangers who don't know each other now, but know who we were before."

"I'm gathering he's still more or less the Dick Grayson you remember?" Roy tried to lighten to mood, but it only made Augustine bite back her tongue. Because in some ways, he was the same. He had a way of getting under her skin that no one else had been capable of doing — he was forever the person to know more about her than she was willing to admit. But, in some ways, he was a sloppy (sloppier) version of the Dick Grayson she once considered her best friend. Judging by the silence he got in response, Roy mumbled into the phone, "Or not?"

Augustine settled on a few words to say in response, still trying to fully understand her own feelings about Dick now, "More or less the same. There's something that isn't right and I can't put my nose on it."

"And no powers to help you try and figure it out?" Roy questioned.

It wasn't a bad thought — Augustine knew she could, especially now that he had let his guard down around her. A part of her knew that was an option she could go with, it just wasn't the option she wanted to go with. His mind was his mind, it was only fair she didn't go snooping through it. Not to mention the fact that they had years of history between them, she knew him better than he knew himself once upon a time. And she didn't think it was fair of her to use her powers against him like that. Especially when she could just talk to him (granted, that can only work if he comes back) (Augustine regretted not reading his thoughts to find out where he was going before he left while she was supposedly napping). With a small breath, "No, no. I don't think the powers are needed."

Roy hummed, "Hey, you know what?"

"What?"

"You'll figure it out, whatever it is that's bothering you. You always do. And soon enough, you'll be able to put a close to that part of your life and finally have the ending you needed for an open chapter. Which should hopefully make things easier for you, August."

He was right again — Augustine hated admitting when other people were right (maybe it was the perfectionist in her, or maybe a slight tinge of the only child syndrome peaking through), especially Roy. Augustine was sure that everyone reacted the same way to things like that (being right), like they all reacted by throwing it in others faces (Augustine totally hadn't done that before). Yet, Roy would just move on as if it was nothing. As if he hadn't just told someone the exact truth, even after the event occurred. He never asked for a thank you, never mumbled an 'I told you so' (Augustine was guilty for those), never did anything of the sort. And, maybe it was just her, but she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to start asking for her to thank him, waiting to get the recognition that he deserved but never got. Or, maybe, as Augustine sat there reflecting on things, she was never a good example of the things a partner should be. It wasn't like she had good examples to follow while growing up — her mother was constantly struggling to maintain friendships, let alone a romantic relationship. Never one that would have even worthwhile for Augustine to base her perception of what they should be over. Augustine also liked to think it might have just been how she was raised. Her mother was quick to temper around the home, small things could send her over the edge and while she never raised her voice nor used it toward Augustine. Augustine learned just how to send people reeling with one look, or how to dig into the wound they created within themselves to get farther along. And while she would have never done that, she knew what she was capable of. She felt it every time she closed her eyes, every time she dealt with something that bothered or annoyed her.

It was because of that that Augustine questioned why she had anyone that cared about her. She would have understood why everyone in her life left just like Dick did, yet, Roy Harper stayed. A strange occurrence that Augustine never expected, yet a welcomed one. Augustine sighed, moving to respond to Roy when a key turned in the deadbolt to the apartment Augustine was staying in. Peaking around the corner she was met with the equally (though, for a different reason) stressed vigilante that used to be her best friend. Dick gave her a tight lipped smile, though one that Augustine could see some meaning behind, as she watched it fall from his lips at the sight of her phone pressed against her ear. Roy seemed to catch on — his silence grew even quieter (if that was even a thing, Augustine swore it had to be, like all of the energy was sucked out of everything, or maybe she was overthinking it), waiting for her to say something. Speaking, Augustine tried to break that feeling, "Yeah, I'm sure you're right, Roy. You normally are."

"Oh? What's that? Augustine Finley admitting I'm normally right? I never though the day would come," Augustine could almost imagine the mocking pose he had taken up while sarcastically letting those words out. It was one she could see Lian recreating as a joke, making the two die of laughter, and it brought a smile to her face.

Dick watched her from across the room, smiling sadly to himself at the sight of his former best friend sharing such a strong connection with someone. This was what he always wanted for her — a chance for her to be happy and feel like she had a normal life. A life where she could unlock her front door and be greeted by the person who loves her after a long, hard day at work. He had always wanted the best for her. And growing up he thought he would be part of that (though, looking back now, his heart wasn't exactly sure where he would have been in said life) (like, if he thought about it, what role would he have had in her life other than the one he had). Someone had to be her best friend, the person who she could confide in she needed someone to lean on. Someone who always had a door open for her, no matter what. And someone who kept a watchful eye out for her, sitting and waiting to see what things life might have thrown at her. Except, when he thought about it now, it was funny because life threw him at her. He was the one who came in and knocked her entire life apart and he left her to clean it up alone in the end. Maybe that's why he was trying to wrap his head around her relationship — he knew he had absolutely nothing to say about it. Because he was one of the people that left her, that fed into her fear of being left behind. One of the main reasons that Augustine Finley had attachment and commitment issues. She found herself attaching to the people she thought of as safe, holding onto them however tight as she could to keep them there. Locked against her side for however long they wanted until they changed their minds. Augustine feared people's minds changing more than anything else.

She was never good with the idea of people not liking her — bending over backwards to be kind and to be everything that everyone else wanted her to be. Augustine had molded herself into every group possible, no matter the group nor the reputation they carried. Driven by the affirmations from other people about how good she had done, they were the only thing keeping her afloat. It's what made her Gotham's sweetheart, beloved by so many. She was always changing, doing whatever she had to fit in with the people around her. And there was only one person she never had to change for — Dick Grayson. He saw her for who she truly was, a mirrorball dangling from the ceiling for everyone to use and enjoy for a short period of time, only to leave it behind once they were no longer in need of it. A person who poured her entire being, her all into trying to be normal. To acting natural in a world that found natural to be an odd concept. A small smile came to Dick's face when he thought of that — faced with the version of the woman he saw now, she wasn't the same. And he knew he wasn't the one to give credit for that, no one other than she was. She had learned her own worth, probably with the help do Roy, but she knew better than to be the star jewel of the party only to be left behind like garbage. And he knew that he was one of the ones who treated her just like the rest of them.

It's why he was shocked at her coming to help him — it didn't seem like something she should be doing. Something she would do. Not with the track her life was on, she shouldn't be stopping to help him. The cold shoulder was warranted, Dick knew he wasn't being much better. Especially now, especially with what he had planned. He wasn't suited for helping people, he couldn't even help himself. He wasn't the one that was supposed to be helping Rachel, he knew that much. This entire thing, it was over his head, he was the one in the wrong for thinking of it to begin with. Closing his eyes, he listened to Augustine finish her phone call and heard the patter of her feet against the hardwood floors as she walked towards him. An awkward chill went through the both of them — a reminder of how they had changed through the years, a reminder that everything was different between them. She sat down on the couch next to him, crossing her leg overtop of the other before speaking, "So, how's Alfred doing?"

Dick's eyes widened a little, panic striking his face before he responded, "Alfred's doing okay, you probably know better than I do. And Gotham? How's the city been?"

"The same," Augustine shrugged. "Still the same shit-show it was when Bruce first put on the cowl. Any new information on the people that were coming for Rachel? I'm assuming that's what you're supposed to be figuring out, you were always good at the technical aspect of the chase."

"Not that good," Dick huffed out a laugh, making Augustine chuckle as well.

"None of us would ever be able to match Babs," Augustine smiled. "She's doing good too, you know."

"Is she?"

A shrug fell from her shoulders, lips tugging downwards, "She's taken it better than I could have, than you could've, honestly. I think they all expected you to call when you got the news, maybe even come home. I know I did. Bruce might have been hoping for it."

"It didn't feel right to come back," Dick shook his head. "Gotham just isn't a place I want to come back to, you know?"

With a huff, "Yeah."

Dick let his eyes trail over her face, watching as it morphed into an emotion he hadn't seen before, "Gotham's just."

"A place that you have a weird history with?" Augustine finished his sentence for him. "That's what it is for all of us, Dick. And for most people, once you're out, you're out. I never expected you to come back after you left, you were never a gothamite to begin with."

"Being a gothamite doesn't mean you're stuck there, August. If you want to leave, you can leave."

A sad smile adorned her face, "My families helped to build that city, it doesn't matter how much I might want to leave, the city is in my blood. Besides, I'm getting to do some good. That makes up for it all, right?"

Looking over to her, Dick felt his heart shatter for her slightly. It hit him then, how many times he had ruined her life. The number of times he walked over her just to get the things he wanted. To get to where he needed to be. And how, despite that, she clung to him like he was her only source of air fifty meters below the surface. He gave her a sad smile in return, trying to segway the topic, "So, you and Roy?"

Another huff of air from her nose, "Yeah."

"You're happy, right?"

"Are you?"

"Trying to be," Dick answered honestly — Augustine was quick to note that he never answered yes, just as Dick was quick to recognize the deflection on her part. "One day at a time, right?"

"We're all still healing from wounds in our past," Augustine answered. "They're just healing at different rates, not yet completely scarred over."

What's the difference between Dick Grayson and Augustine Finley? Simply put, Dick Grayson never got to heal his emotional wounds. He only learned ways of making them worse, pressing fingers into them to make them bleed more. Giving himself pain because that's what he thought he deserved — what he still believes he deserves. A suitable punishment for the things he's done in his past and his present. Augustine Finley's problems had been healed a long time ago, painstakingly spending her nights stitching up gaping wounds. Agonizing over the world for making her feel such a way — screaming and shouting for anyone to hear about how unfair it was for people to go through such a thing. Augustine Finley had healed her wounds long ago and subsequently since, leaving her with scars that would never go away.

Somehow, they were both nearing the end of a chapter of their lives with no sense of direction for the plot that was going to continue. A stagnant, painful position to be put in. Left between a rock and a hard place, Augustine Finley was afraid of what life was going to throw at her again.

Only this time, Dick Grayson may leave her with wounds she can't fix (in the end, only time will tell).

AUTHORS NOTE

hi, this chapter is what i like to call, ✨shit✨. it took me literally like 4 months off and on to write it and it's terrible? I couldn't get it to be more than 5.8k words which is not my normal for this story (I think normally I've averaged around 7k for a chapter? my smallest chapter might be this one of the prologue). I also planned for this chapter to be the start of the actual canon tv show plot to be incorporated but then no, I had to be extra and add more development plot (that's literally not a problem I'm being self deprecating). anyways!!!

look at that !! augustdick interaction! also a small little writing into Dick's mind too (did y'all like that? should I do that more often? should I not? let me know) — I really wanted to show a little bit more about them now before the plot bc we all know what's coming (I think this starts in s1:e2/3 so we know what's going to happen in the next chapter) (I did foreshadow with the money and Alfred thing but I'm being too lazy to rewatch the show rn and plan some more for future chapters so ...) (but also I'm lagging I can't wait to be done with s1 stuff).

alas! sorry for the lack of updates honestly, it's been a rough time out here but !! we're making it through (started my last semester of undergrad I am going through it ahaha)! (And now as I write this, I have literally graduated and am working full time and planned on uploading this when I finished another chapter but ... that has not happened lmao)

please comment and let me know your thoughts, I've genuinely been struggling with writers block and lack of inspo for a while now bc of a lack of interest and commenting (partially my fault for not updating frequently) which is very :( not slay.