0004. CHAPTER FOUR
— the key to locked away feelings

THE APARTMENT HADN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE YEARS SINCE AUGUSTINE FINLEY WAS LAST IN IT. She could tell a woman was living there as well, it had the elements that only a woman brought into an apartment (or at least, something that Hank Hall would never be caught dead buying from a store to decorate an apartment). Speaking of Hank, she smiled a little as the man walked into the kitchen to greet her. He didn't say anything at first, just strode over to stand in front of her. Placing a hand down on her shoulder (practically covering the entire shoulder, she questioned how it could be normal for a typical human being to be as big as he was). Augustine felt as though she had stepped back in time by being in the apartment, but she knew better than that. Hank had aged, as had Dawn and even Dick. Though, when she thought about it, Augustine was sure she had aged as well. Over a year of residency was sure to do her in, she ran on caffeine and caffeine alone.

Dick stayed silent after Augustine's question, everyone in the room knew the answer. Even Rachel, who had been in Dick's life for maybe a week, could figure it out just by the tension. Besides, when in doubt always blame the man who has a guilty look on his face and continues to stare at the ground as if he were in trouble. Augustine moved out of Hank's grip, giving him a side hug as she smiled again at Dawn. The other blonde ran quickly up to the girl, pulling her into her arms, "It's been too long."

Augustine laughed, tipping her head back, "It has."

Dawn pulled away, hands resting on Augustine's upper arms, "How have you been? It's been a few months since we last talked, are you and Roy still together?"

"Oh come on, you knew that she was with Roy?" Dick threw his head back as the complaint left his lips. Augustine was quick to turn her head around, glaring at him.

"It wasn't a secret, Dick," Augustine snapped back. "If you had called me, literally ever, you would have known."

"You could have called me," Dick grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I tried multiple times. You either never answered or called back days later," The blonde countered, her arms covering her chest now too. "I gave up trying on keeping our friendship alive when you did that. What was the fucking point of putting all of my energy into keeping you as a part of my life, when you so clearly never wanted me to be a part of yours?"

"I never said that," Dick shook his head.

"Actions speak louder than words."

"Yeah, well, you're wrong. I never wanted you to not be a part of my life," Dick bit at the inside of his cheek. "You're my best friend, one of the only people who's known me since I was just a kid. There's never been a day in my life where I thought you wouldn't be in it."

"Yet, I haven't been a part of your life for years now."

Dick went to speak again, stopping himself when Rachel walked up next to him, "We'll talk about this later."

Augustine sighed, "No, we won't. I don't have anything else to talk about." She turned to face the young girl with darker hair, "You must be Rachel."

She nodded in response, "August, right? Dick didn't say much about who you were when he said you were coming over."

"Yeah, it's August," Augustine smiled, holding her hand out for the young girl to shake. Rachel took her hand (timidly, if Augustine didn't know any better she would have overlooked it, but she was once a young girl with powers she could barely control, she knew what she was looking at) (she also knew that just by shaking hands Rachel would know a lot more about her, but it was something Augustine was willing to let happen, Rachel couldn't stop it from happening either way), lips parting as her eyes closed. Augustine knew her eyes were probably turning a light shade of purple (and if she kept up her escape into Rachel's mind for much longer, so would her hair) as she followed the thoughts that floated across Rachel's mind. She watched as her thoughts and memories popped up, things she would never tell another person about and things that she had only dared to dream of, Augustine knew then why her hand was shaking before she took her hand. "Still trying to control that part there?"

Rachel slowly nodded, Augustine knew that she wouldn't have much to speak about right then. She was still coming back from the thoughts that had just run laps around her brain.

"It's alright, you don't have to talk about it right now."

"I'm sorry," Rachel went to apologize, but Augustine quickly shook her head.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about," Augustine was quick to stop her from apologizing, Rachel had no one who helped to show her how to control her powers. No one could show her what to do. There was nothing to apologize for when you don't know how to stop something from happening. Augustine wasn't sure where she would be without her mother teaching her how to use her powers, how to stop the voices from getting too loud, and how to control the surges while her emotions tried to get the best of her. "You just haven't had anyone to help show you how to stop that from happening."

"You know how to stop that?" Augustine let out a soft sigh at Rachel's question.

"Well, I know how to help you get better at stopping it. When I'm overwhelmed or stressed out, I tend to stop putting up a fight and get into people's minds without meaning to do it," Rachel nodded as Augustine continued to speak, it warmed her heart a little. "Mine was a bit different, I never saw anything through touch, rather it was like waves of thoughts constantly entering my mind. It hasn't happened recently where I've listened in without wanting to."

"Do you?"

"Want to?" Augustine raised a brow, looking back at the others who had taken to gathering and speaking in low tones. Rachel nodded in response to her question. "Only sometimes. I've never had much of an interest in using my powers, not in the same way others do. Not like the people in the league do, at least. I only read people's minds when I know they're comfortable with it or in dire situations. It can come in handy when you're working a trauma."

"How often do you use your powers?"

"Now?" Augustine shifted her weight onto just one of her feet. "Not often. To be honest, I think I've used my powers more to entertain a four-year-old than for anything important."

"Is that the girl I saw in your memories? Your daughter?"

"Lian," Augustine smiled, a nod falling from her head. She felt Dick's eyes move to stare at her as she spoke a little bit louder. "She's not my daughter though, I've just known her for most of her life."

"She looks at you as if she is," Rachel smiled. "Her eyes get wide in those memories, in a way that toddlers do in stores when they find their mom."

Augustine couldn't help but smile in response to that statement, she had never let Lian call her mom — it wasn't something Augustine felt comfortable with. She wasn't her mom, no matter how much she felt like it at times or how often she was there for the little girl, she still had a mother. And Augustine wasn't going to take that title away from Jade, not unless Jade asked her to. Augustine knew she would take up that mantle in a heartbeat, without thinking even. It was just a simple fact of life at this point, Lian was a part of it and she wasn't leaving. Augustine didn't want her to, "She does get those wide eyes, doesn't she?"

Rachel laughed a little at her response, "And it seems she has you wrapped around her finger."

"Rachel's right, August," Hank called out. "You've got a soft spot for that little girl."

"You would too, if you met her," Augustine quickly replied.

"How old is she?"

"About five now," A smile played on her lips. "I've known her since she came into Roy's life, she was a couple of months old then."

"And Roy's the redhead in your memories? The one you live with?"

From the corner of her, Augustine watched as Dick's face soured a bit before going back to normal, making her want to roll her eyes. She nodded in response to Rachel's question, turning back to Dick, "So, who are you guys running from anyways? Last time I checked, you are the police, so you're not running from them."

"Not sure," Dick shrugged. "Just knew it wasn't safe in Detroit for her anymore."

Augustine glanced between the two, "Would this be power-related or other outside factors?"

"Both?" Dick's response came as more of a question itself, which only worried Augustine more about what she had gotten involved in. Walking closer to them, his eyes trailed over the woman who he still liked to claim was his best friend, "I'm not sure who's coming after her."

"But you're thinking it's because of her powers," Augustine noted, the statement made Rachel's lips tug downward. Rachel moved away from the two who had been inching closer to each other, only stopping when they realized how close they were. Augustine let out a sigh, "Never mind, don't answer that. It's always because of the powers."

"Not always," the argument from Dawn was met with three blank stares. "Okay, most of the time it is, but sometimes it's money or other things."

Augustine bit at the inside of her cheek to stop herself from making a joke about her mother fitting into both of those boxes just as different versions of herself — in some ways she thought Dick knew what she was thinking by the way he chuckled lowly and shook his head. He always had a way of knowing what she was going to say next, Augustine thought growing up it was because they had spent so much time together. They had become interwoven in each other's identities. In some ways, they knew each other better than they knew themselves. But that wasn't something Augustine was expecting to return to. No, she had seen Dick Grayson in so long that she half expected that she wouldn't be able to read him anymore. That she wouldn't be able to know how he was feeling just by the way he shifted on his heels and the gaze set in his eyes. She thought there would be no way that he would know what she was thinking or going to say, they haven't seen each other to be able to do that.

They haven't spoken in so long, Augustine wasn't even sure what to expect. All she knew was that she wasn't expecting to feel so at home again seeing him. She had done well enough for herself without him, but seeing him, seeing him act the same way she remembered. It made her remember everything she made herself forget about. All of the things she knew she would miss — all of the things she did miss — so she decided to store them away. To put them so far back in her mind they wouldn't bother her when she went to go to sleep at night. So that she wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night with sweat dripping from her forehead because she felt like she lost something. Like she lost someone. It was easier to live and survive while enjoying life if she bottled it all up and stored it away until she was ready for that day.

And truth be told, Augustine Thomasine Finley wasn't exactly sure that she was ready for it now. But it was happening and there wasn't a way around it. She agreed to help, not because of Dick but because she remembered what it was like to be young and scared of the powers that lived inside of her own body. She had her mother, someone with powers (though different) there to help her, to make her feel more normal about it. But who did Rachel have? Dick Grayson always ran the other way from magical powers or meta powers (especially when he was younger and first trained by Bruce) and now two other people who have no powers or any training in helping people with them. Augustine knew she wasn't ready to see Dick Grayson again, in some ways she never was going to be ready. Not only that but she never used her powers — not intentionally, at least. She still knew she was the only person who could help, probably the only person that Dick felt he could trust in this situation. Which, was enough to make her heart hurt.

Because she was the person to trust with things like this. In no world would Augustine ever imagine ratting him out or telling the world about a teenage girl who just lost her mother having powers that are from beyond the realm they live in. That wasn't in her nature, it wasn't something she ever wanted to do or see. And Dick Grayson knew that about her. So, of course, he used it to his advantage. He needed help and he knew who could help, who would help even after not talking for years — that was Augustine. In theory, Augustine knew there were plenty of other people he could have gone to. Had he been talking to Bruce or at the very least still on good terms with him, it would have been one simple phone call and then it wouldn't have been his problem anymore. It wouldn't have been anything that Dick Grayson needed to worry about, Augustine knew him like the back of her hand. She knew that like Bruce, he avoided magic and anything regarding powers he couldn't understand. Part of the reason she had come up with for why they stopped talking, for why he gave up on their friendship. Despite the fact that she never used her powers, he came to the understanding of just how much actually ran through her veins, and that ran him off.

Thinking about it now, although, there was nothing about her that ran him off.

"August, can I?" Dick asked, pointing towards one of the two small rooms in the apartment. Augustine followed his finger, feeling a laugh bubble up her throat and escape it as well. He watched her closely, biting his tongue as she continued to laugh. Like it was hard to believe that he wanted to speak to her alone, or maybe it was hard for her to believe that she would give him that ability. He had gone seven years without speaking to her and she was supposed to just let go of that and speak to him calmly? Or maybe not calm at all, in some ways, Dick knew what he was signing up for by pulling her into a separate room. He had been at the short end of many of her screaming matches growing up, he knew what it looked like to have Augustine angry at him. To have her powers break through the walls she had continued to build up — he was practically signing his death wish when he asked her that. Yet, Augustine still found the ask to be ridiculous.

As ridiculous as it was, it seemed to work, because here she stood in the center of a now closed-off room with the person who used to be her best friend. The person that she could still read like an open book she had seen time and time before, the book she kept near and dear to her heart, the book that she returned to no matter what. Tapping her foot, Augustine raised her brow, "Well? You wanted to talk, so, talk."

"August," His voice was soft, the kind of tone he only used when he tried to apologize for something. It was a sound that sent shivers down her spine.

"Don't."

"I haven't said anything."

"You were going to apologize."

"I never said anything," Dick argued. "You have a knack for this, you know? Cutting people off and not giving them a chance to speak because you think you know how it's going to go."

"Because I think I know?" Augustine tilted her head with a sickeningly sweet smile. "Have you forgotten what I can do? Do you only choose to remember when it's convenient and helpful for you? Because last time I checked, dickwad, my powers let me read minds and over half of the time it's not because I wanted to. So, you can argue against deaf ears about how you weren't going to apologize when I heard your mind going through seven or eight different things of what to say."

Dick stayed silent in response. Augustine took that as her cue to continue, "But, none of them gave a reason, Dick. None of them were good reasons, not that any reason in this circumstance is a good one, but you know what I mean. I didn't come here for you, I don't give a fuck about whatever friendship we had when we were kids. You've made it clear enough that it wasn't important to you, you let it go faster than you've let go of anything before."

"Why are you here then, August?"

Augustine smiled in response to that, an airy laugh leaving her lips, "Because I've been in her shoes."

"But-" Dick got cut off by Augustine as she continued. 

"Sure, my experience is very different from hers, but on the most basic level possible, I've been in her shoes. I know what it feels like to be a teenager scared of powers that run through their veins. And I know how exhausting it can be to hear every light of every person in the area around you, I can't imagine what it's like for souls in respect to that. Dick, I didn't come here because I wanted to bring us back to being good friends again. Hell, if anything, I wanted to leave here thinking I was better off without having you a part of my life."

"You probably are."

Augustine took his words in for a moment, her mind blanks as she thought about what Dick had just said to her. You probably are. Now, was he wrong? No, probably not. She was more than likely better off not having Dick in her life. He had only been trouble — he was the one who convinced her to sneak out in the middle of the night (is it sneaking out if Bruce definitely knew what they were doing?), he was the one who kept her from building up her resume like a crazy person in high school (she didn't need more than three leadership positions at once, she was thankful for his help with that), but most of all Dick Grayson was the one who would have done anything to protect his best friend. Even if that meant he had to track down the quarterback of Gotham Academy's football team and threaten him for how he had treated Augustine. Dick Grayson had always been a vessel of anger, someone not meant for the world he was adopted into. Augustine Finley wasn't hollow with anger (sure, she felt hollow often and in some ways, she was hollow, but it was a different type of hollow that settled deep within her bones), she was born into the world that Dick Grayson felt so out of place in. In so many ways, everyone expected that Augustine Finley was meant for that world — meant to be the person who understands why they act the way they do. But she wasn't. Or maybe she just never felt like it was the right fit for her. When she thought about it, Augustine knew that the perfect place for her would've been going out at night with her mom. Using her powers to help the people of Gotham and eventually led up to joining a team (probably the Titans with Dick, which would have ultimately solved all of her problems). Augustine Finley spent her entire childhood believing she had made the right choice (and in some ways, she had, she skipped out on experiences that would have left her with very expensive therapy bills), but now that she was older and had more time to think about things, she could admit maybe she was wrong.

And maybe she had chosen the wrong hill to die on — she thought about that far too often. Maybe she wasn't as against using her powers for more than just household chores. Roy's comments of "don't you want to?" have settled deep within her chest, uprooting the thoughts that had previously lived there. That might be a part of why Augustine believes she was never better off by not having Dick Grayson be a part of her life. No matter the things he's done to her, or the things he's said, Augustine always found some type of freedom with him that she couldn't quite explain. Something that made her feel comfortable, something that made her feel seen. Even now, as she stood in front of him after years, there was something shared between them. The idea was that they were both able to see each other for something more than what anyone else had ever been able to see. Or maybe it was a load of bullshit that Augustine had allowed herself to believe in to make herself feel better, to make this fucked up situation better.

"Maybe," Augustine's voice was soft in response, her eyes shutting as a sigh left her lips. "Listen, if this is all you wanted to talk about."

"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry," Dick responded, the words leaving his lips before Augustine could stop him. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid. No part of her wanted to deal with an apology from him, because she knew that little part of her would want to accept it. Just like it was now. "And just, thank you for helping me out with this situation. I didn't know who else to call when, you know."

"You didn't have anyone else you could call, Dick," Augustine had her arms crossed in front of her chest. "You burned all of your bridges down with the people in Gotham, including mine. You took a stab in the dark to try and it worked out in your favor. Doesn't mean shit about anything, one little apology isn't going to make this any better. Do you know how long I spent thinking I was the one that drove you away? Way too long to take one throwaway apology and make it like everything is okay between us."

Dick winced in response to her words, chewing at the insides of both cheeks as Augustine wiped away the one tear that had fallen on her cheek. It was almost on instinct how she wanted to lean into him for comfort — like she was reverting to the version of herself that found complete comfort in the man standing in front of her. Dick watched her carefully before speaking again, "Are you happy?"

Augustine blinked, "What?"

"Are you happy now? Happier than you were back then?"

"That's really subjective, Dick."

"Just, answer it."

"I'm happy now, yeah. But it's a different kind of happiness compared to when we were kids," Augustine kicked one of her feet out as the words flowed from her. "I said it was subjective, if you had asked me that three years ago then the answer would have been no."

"And then Roy-"

"Roy came into the picture," Augustine nodded. "Kind of flipped my world upside down unexpectedly, really. Never expected it would be him I ended up with, but, now that I'm with him it just feels right. Like this was exactly what I was supposed to have as if all of the pain I've struggled with was preparing me for the love I would get from him."

"So you're," Dick trailed off, making Augustine lift a brow in response to his question, "you two are that serious?"

Augustine didn't need another second to think, "Yeah, we are. If he were to get down on one knee right now, I would say yes with no second thought."

Dick didn't respond to that, only stared ahead with a blank face (something Augustine had seen him so many times before when he was trying to hide how he actually felt about something). An inkling of doubt filled her chest for a brief second, watching his reaction to her words that she wasn't even quite sure she believed in anymore. He took in a deep breath before glancing down to the floor and back to the blonde, "I don't want to keep you from him for long, then."

"You won't," Augustine answered swiftly. "Besides, I can only take off so many days of work before I have to go back. I'll work with her the best I can, promise."

"I know you will," Dick gave her a soft smile before continuing his thought inside of his mind (something Augustine had been tuned into from the minute she stepped into the apartment), you've always given your all to the things you believe in.

Augustine Thomasine Finley had been known by a lot of people in her lifetime, and many of them had no clue who she actually was. But standing there, right in front of the man she had spent nearly eleven years being conjoined at the hip with, she had never felt more seen. It didn't matter how long she had been apart from him, he was still able to look at her and know what she was thinking. He still knew exactly what she needed to hear (whether he simply just through his thoughts or his actual words), he knew exactly what words would calm her down when she got wound up and what words she needed to hear when things got to be a little too loud in the world. When walls felt like they were closing in and nothing could help stop them, there was always one person Augustine Finley turned to for guidance when the world felt like it had flipped upside down. It was for the same reasons she felt herself slipping into believing again (or perhaps, a better way to put it is that she had never stopped believing in it but tried to never think of it), he was still in some way the person she remembered him being. Even if he looked different (he didn't, though, he still looked like the boy she had been best friends with years ago), or even if he acted different (now that much was true), he was still Dick Grayson.

Still, the man who knew her like the back of her hand, and the same went for her. Even as he changed and they fell apart, Augustine Finley found one thing to be true: Dick Grayson was still the same person deep down. All he had done was stick some stucco onto himself to cover the holes that people other than her would have never known, he was the shell of a man who tried to make it seem like he wasn't. He wanted to be someone who people never questioned, someone with authority that would never be questioned, and he may have had that, but what else had he lost with it? In Augustine's eyes, Dick Grayson had lost everything that made him different. Everything that set him apart from the world he was brought into. He had lost the fire that kept him going, he had lost the version of himself he once thought his parents would be proud of. And now? Now he was just the shell of a person who he wasn't even proud of.

Let alone someone his parents would have ever been proud of.

There was silence between the both of them for a few moments before Augustine spoke up, "Is that all you had to say?"

Dick looked her up and down, taking in the way her feet had already been pointed towards the doors, how her arms were crossed against her chest and were held right to her upper body, but the most damning of all. The thing that hit the nail in the proverbial coffin was the exasperated look that rested on her face. She was exhausted, having driven all the way there and having to see him again (though she was expecting that), it took everything out of her. Speaking to him like this was taking a toll, and Dick was able to recognize her breaking points. Augustine Finley was exhausted, ready to go to bed and wake up the next morning expecting things to be different. But they won't. She'll still wake up in an apartment that isn't hers, her former best friend sharing a wall with her, and having to help a scared teenager gain control of something she has no idea what to do with.

That was a terrifying thought for Augustine Finley. It's not like she was ever the one to use her powers in the same ways as her mother, or in the ways that Rachel would need to protect herself. Augustine was beating herself up at the thought of doing something wrong. Of forgetting something or getting in too far over her head, past the realm of things she knew. And Dick saw right through it, "Get some rest, August."

Augustine shifted on her feet, biting at the inside of her cheeks uncomfortably, "Yeah, I guess that would be good."

"Not a guess, it will be good," Dick tried to smile at her the same way he used to, his heart clenching at the way Augustine's lips tugged downwards and eyes glanced away from his face when he did so. "You need the rest, get out of your mind and thoughts for a while, give them a minute to remind you that you can do this."

She wanted to hate the fact that his words comforted her, that he still knew exactly what to say to calm her down. But instead, she leaned into the warm, fuzzy feeling it gave to her and walked over to the bed in the room (sometimes being able to read his mind like an open book was helpful for things like sleeping arrangements, especially when she realized he was taking the couch to make sure she stayed comfortable in a bed), "You're right."

She watched him bite down a witty retort as he walked to the doorway, "Goodnight, August."

Getting herself settled under the covers, Augustine gave him a nod and smiled before he turned out the light, "Night, Dick."

AUTHORS NOTE

AUGUSTDICK INTERACTION SCREAMING !! CRYING !! THROWING UP !! Anyways, this isn't even the worst of it, the next chapter (of which is mostly written but won't be released until the other chapter after that one is far in) has worse argument scenes (Anya & Lindsay know, they've seen it) and yuh. Please please please let me know your thoughts, feelings, and whatever else you want to share! It takes forever for me to update bc my updates generally don't get much feedback which makes it difficult for me to feel inspired esp when I'm writing in between studying for exams or doing homework (third year of undergrad is a different type of stress prolly bc it's what my med schools will be looking at the most when I apply next year and I've gotta start studying for the MCAT that I take next spring but ... 🥲) (anyways I did work my ass off and make a 4.0 last semester so let's hope that energy follows me through this semester lmaooo I have a genetics exam literally on Tuesday I wanna cry). But moving on from that, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, I promise after this chap and the next we will have the actual plot of the show come into play. I've just been doing a lot of world building !!

Thanks for reading!