"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." Henry David Thoreau, Walden

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XXXVIII.

As the voyage continued, so did Alex's reading and writing lessons. Sometimes he would join in with Belle, and others he would be tutored by Susanna alone.

Alex was constantly marvelled by Susanna's patience and her tolerance. It was difficult not to feel stupid and foolish when he couldn't work out simple words, or he struggled with simple spellings. Several times the thought had crossed his mind that he was too stupid for learning, but Susanna never lost her temper, or allowed him to dwell on such thoughts for long.

Susanna sensed it each time his embarrassment overcame him, and she soothed him with calming words of affirmation. And then it hit him again and again, as though someone had thrown a ten-ton boulder at his head, that he was desperately in love with this woman.

It was easy to become distracted by Susanna's appearance. She had taken to wearing her curly, golden hair loose, and it had lightened over the past months after the constant exposure to the sun. He could see clear streaks of white and platinum through it. Her skin, on the other hand, had darkened a little with tan, and she had a small collection of freckles across her nose.

But it was her warmth, her tenderness, and her kindness that captured Alex every day, taking him deeper into the depths of being lost to her. What would have become of him if Susanna had not come for him? Would he have ever made his way back to her? Would he have ever found a way to atone for his mistakes?

Even now, Alex was not at all certain that he had, or ever would be able to, atoned for his mistakes. Instead, Susanna, and her big, generous heart, had chosen to forgive him. Her certainly knew, however, that he would spend the rest of his life endeavouring to deserve a woman like Susanna Beresford.

"I have been meaning to tell you," Susanna said as they concluded their lesson, "that I had a conversation with your mother the other day."

Alex arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Susanna nodded as she leaned over the side of the ship and tipped the cup of seawater that they had been using for writing down into the ocean. "I found myself being terribly nosy," she admitted, a slight flush to her cheeks. "I asked about your father. And her"

"Oh," Alex said again, this time realisation etched in his tone.

Susanna's face fell. "Oh, please do not be upset with me!"

Alex attempted to immediately erase whatever expression he wore that would indicate he was displeased with Susanna. "I am not upset with you, Susanna. How could I be?"

Susanna bit down on her bottom lip for a moment.

"I imagine everyone is as curious," Alex continued. "Maman is a free woman." Amélie had told him so when he had curiously asked the question. Alex had been disappointed for about a minute, perhaps even a minute and a half, when he had learned that his parents would not be reunited as he had hoped. But he knew exactly what freedom meant to him, and he knew it was something even more for a woman of colour. After what his mother had endured to keep him safe all those years, Alex would never ever selfishly hope for anything. Amélie was a free woman, and Alex would always fiercely protect that freedom.

His parents being married did not really mean anything. Not to him, anyway. He still had a mother and a father, two blessings that he knew thousands, millions of others did not have. Even before him, Susanna had suffered the loss of her own father. He did not need his parents to be anything but what they were, his parents.

"Yes, she is," Susanna agreed softly. "I rather admire her for that."

Alex's mouth upturned in a small smile. "Do you? I suppose it is quite different to what you are used to, to what you were brought up with."

Susanna sat back down on the deck, joining Alex's side. Her hands rested in her lap, and Alex wasted no time in reaching out for them. He rather enjoyed watching her blush deepen at such a small touch.

"Of course, it is different to what I was brought up with," Susanna agreed, "but I so admire the way your mother speaks about life and freedom, the sanctity of it. I truly hope she will find exactly what she desires in England."

As did Alex. But the thought passed quickly as he smiled down at Susanna, enjoying her respect for his mother.

"I wonder ..." Susanna began, before she trailed off.

Alex could see the bashful expression on her face and his curiosity was piqued. He would not allow her to not finish her thought. "What?" he pressed.

"No, don't worry," Susanna said dismissively.

Alex was like a dog with a bone. "Tell me," he insisted, holding onto her hands tightly.

Susanna huffed a little as she avoided his eyes. "I wonder ... I wonder if you share your mother's opinion on marriage," she murmured. "She did not seem to think so, in fact, she spoke rather highly of you on the subject, but I cannot help but think about whether or not you may view your freedom in the same way."

Alex could not mask the smile that spread across his face. It pleased him greatly that this was a concern of Susanna's. Of course, it did not please him that Susanna was worried. But it pleased him that she was wondering about marriage and Alex in the same line of thought.

"How could I share my mother's opinion on marriage when I am already married?" Alex teased, unapologetically grinning at her.

Susanna flushed an even deeper shade of scarlet which made Alex chuckle. "Be serious," she demanded.

Alex nodded, before lifting her hands to his lips and kissing them both softly. He watched as Susanna's breath hitched in her throat. "I want nothing more than to live the sort of married life people dream about. If I could achieve it, I would want my own land, a small house, my own family ... a place where I am my own master, answerable to no one but my wife."

Susanna's bashfulness slowly eased, and a smile settled on her beautiful face. "That is what you really want?" she whispered.

Alex nodded. In a perfect world, yes, that is exactly what he wanted. He wanted to own land, to farm it, to grow what he desired. He wanted to employ workers, to harvest and profit from his own yield. He didn't need a grand home, just four walls and a hearth. People, family made a house a home. And, of course, he desired his own family. While he would never trade his mother for anything, his childhood was one that he was determined to atone for in how he raised his own children. Were he fortunate enough to become a father, his children would never know a day of fear or suffering, not while there was air in his lungs.

But, he knew, that life was entirely contingent on Susanna's own desires. He was not so stupid as to assume that this would be simple, or even possible. Land cost money, of which he had none. Marriage cost money, again, of which he had none. He could not support Susanna on dreams. He could not make Susanna happy with whims.

There was a deep fear within Alex that worried he would not be able to make Susanna happy at all.

"What do you want?" he countered.

"Do you know," Susanna breathed, "I do not think that anyone has ever asked me that question before." She shook her head in disbelief. "I imagine my life, the life I have lived up until now, is naturally the envy of many, and I do understand and am grateful for my fortune. I have never known real troubles, I know that. The problems I have faced, the problems that I have complained about, are miniscule when compared to the knowledge of the world that I possess now. I desired worldliness, and I believe I found it. And what I desire now is happiness. The life I did lead, to many, would seem perfect. But I wasn't happy." Susanna smiled. "Give me four walls and a hearth and I shall learn to bake bread." She laughed at herself.

But hearing Susanna echo Alex's exact thought from only moments ago made his heart hammer in his chest. "Are you certain?" he asked breathlessly.

"I would probably burn it the first several times I tried," Susanna continued, amused, "but I am certain that I could make bread eventually."

Alex wanted to kiss her. "Four walls and a hearth would make you happy?" he pressed.

Susanna's brows furrowed as she nodded. "Of course," she replied softly.

"Do you think that I could make you happy?"

Susanna smiled. "Is that not obvious?"

"No, I want to hear it."

"Yes," breathed Susanna. "Yes, I know that you will make me happy."

It was still the middle of the day, and his father's crew were moving about the ship performing their duties. How Alex wished they were alone. He wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them and kiss Susanna something silly. It had to be enough that he was holding onto her hands.

Despite the moment of pure elation that Alex had just experienced, he could not help the negative thoughts that crept back into his mind as reality settled him back down on the ground. "Have you thought about what people will think? What people will say? Your mother ... she would never allow you to marry a man who looked like me."

Alex couldn't help but marvel in the determination that he saw flash across Susanna's blue eyes as she frowned. "I do not spare a single care for the thoughts and opinions of small-minded people," she retorted. "If they are determined to make themselves miserable over my happiness then all power to them. I shall not let it affect me one little bit. And I hope it will not affect you."

Alex, sadly, was used to the calls of people who thought him a savage. Of course, Len's theatrics had never helped his presentation to the English. Though he appreciated Susanna's fervent beliefs, he couldn't help but worry that it would not be as easy as she thought to dismiss what people would undoubtedly say. But then, Alex thought, it would be his job to protect her as best as he could. It would be a job he would gladly undertake if it meant protecting Susanna's happiness.

"And as for Mama," Susanna continued, her tone softening as her lips pursed together for a moment. "Well, I really do not know what she will say. I know what I hope for. I know that she can be a very hard woman, a woman with firm opinions and thoughts on how things should be ... but she has been known to change, to soften, and to come around to new ideas. Adam married Grace, who was once a servant in our household. My brother, Jack, married Claire, Grace's younger sister. In the ways of my mother's world, marrying beneath one's station doesn't happen, but my mother does now fiercely protect both her daughters-in-law.

"Regardless," Susanna continued, taking a breath, "no matter what Mama says, she has no control over who I marry. Only my brother has the power to prevent me, and I know that Adam will do anything to secure my happiness. He has proven that beyond anything by accompanying me on this journey. I shall never be able to repay him for what he has done for me."

Alex did greatly admire the duke. While he had not yet had the conversations that he wanted to have with Adam, Alex did greatly appreciate what the duke had done for both him and Susanna.

"Nor I," agreed Alex.

Alex still understood that it would not be easy. Marriage between himself and Susanna was not as simple as asking, accepting, and attending a church. He still had no way of supporting her, of securing her those four walls and a hearth. But for now, he could find contentment in knowing that she shared his dreams.

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Hope you enjoyed it!!

Apologies for not getting this up last night. I felt really nauseous all day yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks at the time that I usually write. Think it was just a side effect but I've woken up feeling much better!

I FINALLY became eligible for my Covid vaccine and was jabbed yesterday! It felt great to be able to do my own small part :)

Thank you all for my lovely birthday wishes - I soooooo appreciate it xx

Alright, time to get up and face the day! 

Vote and comment xxx