"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." When Harry Met Sally

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XXXIII.

Alex recoiled, alarmed at the sudden shock that shot through his veins like a blast of ice. The captain knew. Why did this feel so frightening? Of everything that he had endured in the last few months, why was this so startling? He had been in the very presence of the man for a week on his ship and it had not felt so confronting.

But this was different. This was obviously different. It was no longer a possibility. This was now a certainty, and the man was here.

The very same man who had refused to dock his ship in Port-au-Prince for fear of being persecuted, had made the dangerous trek onto the island. The same thought crossed his mind, as it had done when he realised that Susanna had come after him. Why?

But could the answer be the very same?

Did the captain care? Did his father care?

He had to ... and Alex didn't know why that was so difficult for him to understand.

Alex suddenly settled back into his body and looked down upon Susanna once more. He could see the look of apprehension in her blue eyes as she worried that she had done wrong.

"He ... he came willingly?"

Susanna nodded her head. "Adam and I would not have made it without him. Your father brought us to shore, he helped us stay safe overnight ... and he obviously navigated this island well enough to find you."

Alex was still struggling to picture if, and yet Susanna was standing right in front of him, having just put herself in mortal danger, as evidence of her feelings.

He knew that he didn't deserve her. But he had a responsibility in that moment, and in every moment going forward, to keep her safe. He needed to get her back to the plantation, and they needed to start now, as they would need to travel on foot.

Alex grasped Susanna's small hand in his and rejoiced in the sensation of her fingers interlocking with his own. "Come on," he urged, "we need to leave now, or it will be nightfall before we make it to the plantation."

Alex wished that he had a scarf or some sort of shawl for Susanna to wear to cover her hair as they ducked and weaved throughout the streets of Port-au-Prince. Despite the fact that she was not approached now that she was being escorted by a black man, it did not save her from the astonished stares of the locals as they looked upon a golden-haired woman for, potentially, the first time in their lives.

The sun's position told him that it was late afternoon by the time that they made it to the border of the town and the road that would lead them up into the mountains. It was then, now that they were out of the way of the people, that Alex finally stopped, and his breath caught in his throat as he watched Susanna wobble on her feet with fatigue.

Alex reflexively grabbed onto her arm with one hand and wound the other around her waist to steady her. He could see the heat in her cheeks and the sweat on her brow, the quick rise and fall of her chest as she panted.

"I'm sorry," she puffed.

"You do not owe me an apology," he assured her, now or ever. "Please tell me if you need a rest." Alex helped her to a moss-covered boulder that was situated near the road. As soon as she was seated, she rested her hands on her lap and bent her head over as she caught her breath. Seeing her in that state suddenly shocked Alex once again with the reality that Susanna was here, after everything that he had done. "Susanna," he uttered, kneeling down before her. "I am the one who is sorry. I am so eternally sorry."

Susanna lifted her gaze. Her eyes were reserved, and her brow was furrowed, but he could see the vulnerability there.

"I hate to think of the man I was only a few months ago. I was someone who could justify causing others pain if it helped me to satisfy my goals." Alex swallowed as the nastiness of that realisation went down like sour milk. "That is not who I want to be, and I won't make any excuses for what I did. Because I did them. I made those choices. I hurt people. I hurt you."

Susanna was silent, biting down subtly on her bottom lip.

"I don't know how much you know," he continued, "but I was going to tell you the truth that day by the pond. I was going to confess everything to you, and beg you to forgive me, even though I knew, and I still know that I don't deserve it. But I will tell you the truth now, if you'll hear it?"

Alex watched as Susanna's shoulders rose and feel as she took a deep breath, before she nodded without speaking.

And so, he confessed. Susanna listened as Alex told her about how he'd first encountered Len. How Len had promised him the sort of money a gens de couleur libres could never dream of making. Alex saw the money as his salvation, his mother's salvation, and the means to achieving it was a necessary sacrifice.

"I told myself that time and again," Alex explained. "The money was for my mother. I would do anything for my mother and so my actions were justified, even if I knew they were wrong.

"Len's charades began much the way you saw when we first met in Hyde Park at the faire. He would put on a show and we would take money from a crowd. I was a character, a freak, I suppose, for white folk to gawk at."

Susanna flinched. "I didn't mean to stare," she whispered.

"No," he said hurriedly, "no, I did not mean you. They can't help it. Many of them have never seen a person who looks like me before, or if they have, it's been a poor soul enslaved in one form or another. I truly wonder what the world would be like sometimes, if worldliness, cultures, traditions other that your own, were taught in schools alongside reading and writing.

"But Len is a greedy soul. It was something I knew and understood about him, and yet I never did anything to stop him. It was yet another one of my unforgivable follies. His greed grew, and we began to prey upon families. Len knew who to choose. I did not always know how, but he did. And so," Alex paused for shame, "and so," he repeated, "I made innocent girls believe that I cared for them. I told myself that I was not ruining them. I never seduced them. I never took a lady's virtue. As if that made it any less repugnant.

"And I wish I had an excuse, but I do not. I wanted the money, and I thought that my actions were necessary.

"And then, at the end of the Season in London, Len came to me with a name and a number." Alex, who had looked away from Susanna's face, dared to meet her eyes. She was watching him intently, a slight tremble to her jaw. "Susanna Beresford and her thirty thousand pounds."

Susanna exhaled a staggered breath as she nodded. "Go on," she said softly.

"Len promised me that if I secured your money, then he would hand over everything he owed to me, and I would never have to deceive another woman again. And I agreed. I chose you out of the crowd on purpose, I spooked Argent on purpose so that I could save you. I did everything I could to lower your guard and make you feel anything for me.

"But I soon realised that you were no ordinary woman. You stirred feelings inside of me that I didn't know I had, and your company, your conversation, your smiles, your laughs, your gazes ... I began to crave them. And the feelings that I had for you quickly consumed me. Suddenly, I couldn't justify what I was doing. It was like I was seeing sense for the first time, like you had brought me up out of the water and I was finally breathing air. And I wanted you to know me. Not the character, not the savage that Len paraded about, but me. Everything I told you, everything I shared, was completely real. I had never been able to speak to anyone about what I had endured, what I had suffered through as a boy on this land, but I could tell you, and you cared. You were, are, no ordinary woman, Susanna Beresford, and you quickly became the most precious thing to me.

"I didn't want what was burgeoning between us to be a lie, a deception. I thought, I hoped that there might be a way, a small, tiny was in which a woman like you could actually fall in love with a man like me, scars, follies, and all.

"And as soon as that thought formed in my mind, I began to plan what sort of future I could provide for you. And that was when I knew that I could never take you away from your wonderful family for the life that I could give you."

The furrow of Susanna's brow deepened.

"You know that," he uttered. "Look at where we are." He gestured around to their mountainous surroundings. "We are world's apart. I was going to leave." Alex's chest tightened. "I was going to leave you to the life, and the sort of man, you deserved. I was going to take what Len owed me, less your money, and return to Haiti to get Maman.

"I asked Len to write you that note because you know I ..." Alex couldn't articulate his illiteracy still. It was as humiliating as ever. "But instead he orchestrated that ambush. I did not begin our acquaintance with honest intentions, but you changed me in ways I cannot even begin to fathom. I am sorry for every bit of pain I caused you, Susanna. I do not know what a man like me ever did to deserve the care of a woman like you."

Simply relaying his tale as he just had made it even more unfathomable that Susanna was in front of him. How could he ever hope to deserve her?

Susanna brushed her lips with her tongue as she took a breath, settling herself. "I was hurt," she murmured, "and I did feel betrayed and fooled. I felt stupid, if I am being honest. But when the dust settled and I'd had a chance to think, I could still feel the sincerity in my memories of our conversations. It had been real; I was certain of. Grace, my sister-in-law, was quite your champion, too."

Alex couldn't help but smile. He owed the kind duchess his thanks. Probably a lot more than that.

"You did wrong," Susanna continued, her voice a little steadier, "and I do not condone your actions, but I am glad that you, too, see the error in your past behaviour. But we humans are fallible, and we are allowed to make mistakes. We are also allowed to atone for them."

"Why would you offer me any sort of grace?"

"I believe that you are so used to people taking from you, Alex, that you really don't know what to do when someone cares about you." Susanna reached down and collected one of his hands, holding it between her own.

Alex fell backwards, full seated on the ground before her as her words washed over him. Was she right? Did he really not know how to receive care? He thought back to earlier, when he'd had to work to convince himself that his father, who'd risked his life to get onto the island, held any sort of regard for him. He'd shared similar doubts about Susanna, completely not understanding the lengths she'd gone to in order to find him.

"Do you even want to leave this place, Alex?" Susanna asked him softly. "It is your home, after all. I came to bring you back to mine, but I won't force you. I don't want to be the one to take anything from you."

Alex suddenly gripped Susanna's hand. "No," he countered immediately. "Susanna, I want you take everything from me. I want that because it is my choice to give. I am a free man, and I freely give all that I am to you. I may have been born on this island, but it is not my home, nor the home of my people. We were taken and brought to this place. I have not known a home anywhere but with you."

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I am so sorry it took me an extra day to get this up. I wrote half last night and couldn't keep my eyes open. But I hope it was worth the wait! 

Happy Independence Day for yesterday to my American readers. I hope you have a lovely day celebrating with your friends and family. 

I'm off to the zoo tomorrow which I am so excited about. I literally feel like a kid. Keep an eye on my Instagram stories for me behaving like an excited kid haha

Vote and comment xxx