"I guess what scares me the most now is the thought that I won't be able to protect you." Julia Hoban, Willow

---- 

XIX.

"I think, I truly believe, that he meant to leave," relayed Grace softly as they sat together on the settee in Grace's bedroom. "He didn't want to shame you. He cared for you too much to do so. And if he cared for you enough to leave, then I know there must be more to the story, his story, than that of Mr Bishop and his ruse."

Grace had just finished telling Susanna of her conversation with Alex at the dinner table on his last night. Of course, Grace's thoughts were speculation, but Susanna could see the conviction in her sister-in-law's eyes. There was true belief there. Grace did not think Alex on the same level of guilt as his companion.

Had he meant to leave? Was that why Alex had asked her down to the pond that day? Had he meant to tell her the truth before leaving?

Alex had told Grace that he had not wanted to bring Susanna shame. That very thought alone was enough to pain Susanna deep within her soul. Shame. She did not care for it. For whom would she be shamed before? Did he mean the social climbing fortune hunters in London who she was forced to socialise with every season? She did not care a wit what they thought of her.

"My mind has been filled with similar thoughts of late," confessed Susanna quietly. "I can't help but think, but wonder ... hope that there is more to be said than what occurred. I don't want him to be a villain."

Grace put a comforting hand on Susanna's back. "You really loved him, didn't you?" she realised sadly.

Susanna felt her eyes fill with tears as she hurried to wipe them away with the back of her sleeve. "I did." I do. Oh, she still loved him. Love didn't vanish, even when one was in pain. It endured. And was that not a testament to the strength of the heart? "Grace, I need to talk to him. To write him at the very least." Susanna quickly remembered that Alex would not be able to read or return a letter. "I must go to him."

"Of course, you must," confirmed Grace with a supportive smile.

"You are really on my side, aren't you? You don't mind that Alex is –"

"No," interjected Grace firmly, shaking her head. Her hand dropped to secure Susanna's tightly. "I am on your side as you have always been on mine. Ever since I entered this house, you have been a friend, and now you are a sister. Whomever you choose to love is your own choice, and I have faith in your judgement. What he looks like is of no consequence, but his character? Every man deserves redemption, or the opportunity to grasp it."

Susanna pulled Grace into a tight hug and did not attempt to hide her tears as they began to fall freely, dampening the shoulder of Grace's gown. Grace merely chuckled quietly as she soothingly rubbed Susanna's back.

"Piccadilly Circus," Susanna repeated, remembering the conversation from down with her family. "That is where he is. How will I get there undetected?"

"You will not go undetected," replied Grace, "and you will not go alone," she added firmly. "Adam will escort you."

Susanna recoiled. "Adam? He certainly would never consent to this!" she exclaimed.

"You leave Adam to me."

***

As Susanna sat against the bedroom door of Adam and Grace, listening at the keyhole, she was reminded of another time when she had spent time eavesdropping on her brother and his wife. Only in that instance she had been in collusion with her brother to get Grace alone. This time Adam was not on Susanna's side.

But Grace was her champion.

"You know I am a good judge of character!" Grace cried, her voice slightly muffled through the door.

"Not in this instance!" replied Adam vehemently.

"He deserves the chance to be heard! Just listened to, Adam. That is all I ask!"

"Oh, you ask a great deal more than that," hissed Adam.

Susanna did not think that she had ever heard her brother argue with his wife thus before, and it did grieve her to know that she was the reason.

"I ask no more than that," retorted Grace. "Take her to Piccadilly Circus and allow him to speak, to say what he meant to that day at the pond. You and I both know that there was something that he wanted to say, and there was genuine grief in his eyes. He is not the same as that Mr Bishop. I would stake my life on it."

"Do not say such a foolish thing," snapped Adam. And there was silence for a moment.

Susanna peeked through the keyhole and saw that her brother had brought Grace into his arms and was pressing his face into the top of her head. He didn't like that she'd bet her life. Grace's arms had looped themselves around Adam's waist.

"I know you care not for such things as stations," Grace murmured. "I am the evidence."

Adam's arms tightened around Grace. "I would not care if the man had three eyes and a tail if he would make Susanna happy," he replied. "After everything that happened between us, being separated because of such senseless things like birth and wealth ... I will have no part in it. It matters not to me what the man looks like. What matters to me is whether or not he will hurt my sister. And he has done, most grievously."

"This will hurt her more," urged Grace, "the not knowing. Please," she asked earnestly. "Allow him to speak, to explain. If nothing comes of it, then I pray it will bring Susanna some closure. But if I am right, and I suspect that I am, it will make Susanna the happiest that she has ever been."

Adam was quiet for a long moment as he pondered, and Susanna's felt her heart quicken in anticipation. Even if her brother refused, she would still be going. She would find a way ... bribe one of the grooms to saddle a horse for her. London was only thirty miles. In which direction, she did not know, but she would find out.

But finally, after what felt like an age, Adam uttered, "Very well."

***

They were away early the next morning. The purpose for this being to avoid any conflict with Cecily. A note had been left, of course, and Grace had assured Adam and Susanna both that she could handle to repercussions.

Susanna felt her nerves growing as the carriage drew closer to London. She sat practically on the edge of her seat, pulling at the cuffs of her dress, nearly pulling apart the seams, just to distract her racing mind.

"It's not too late, you know," her brother murmured. "We can turn back."

"I want to see him," replied Susanna immediately. "I need to see him."

"You do know that everything I do, I do to protect you, to look after you, don't you?"

Susanna turned to look into her brother's eyes. Adam's brows were furrowed with concern. She had always looked up to Adam and depended upon him, throughout her life. And despite vexing her at times, ignoring her and chiding her as brothers did, Adam had never once let her down. She knew that this quest went against his better judgement, but he was accompanying her to make Susanna happy.

"I know," replied Susanna, a small smile on her lips. "And I love you forever for it."

The carriage first took them to Ashwood Place in Mayfair, much to Susanna's annoyance. She would have preferred to travel directly to Piccadilly Circus, however Adam insisted upon unloading their things before they were off galivanting about the city.

After what felt like an age, Susanna and Adam were finally back inside the carriage being taken towards the West End of London. Susanna watched in anticipation out of the window as they passed the year-round residents of the city going about their days. She had never seen London in late September before.

As their final destination drew nearer, Susanna attempted to rehearse what she might say in her head, but she struggled to think of anything that would not reduce her to tears. All she could do was hope that when she came face to face with Alex once again, he would take the opportunity to rectify everything, to provide her with an explanation that might allow for forgiveness, understanding ... and God willing, a reunion.

The carriage slowed to a stop on the side of the road, indicating that they had arrived. But as Susanna nearly pressed her nose up against the glass of the window, she could not see any spectacle. Nothing but pedestrians and carriages and buildings.

The driver opened the door and let down the step, but Susanna did not wait to be assisted as she practically leapt out of the carriage. She twisted and turned, looking for any evidence of the show that she had become so familiar with, but she couldn't see anything. Panic set in as she realised her one and only lead in finding Alex had all but disappeared.

"Adam!" cried Susanna, turning back to her brother. "He is not here!"

Adam's eyes searched the streets as well, his brow stern. "There is a public house on the corner there," he pointed towards one of the buildings. "I will inquire inside. If I know anything about that Bishop man, it is that he enjoys indulging."

Susanna was made to wait in the carriage while Adam crossed the street and made his way into the public house. Susanna waited in anxious anticipation for what felt like hours, keeping her eyes focussed on the door of the building. Oh, she prayed Alex was inside.

Eventually Adam exited the public house, and walked back towards their carriage swiftly, speaking first to the driver before climbing inside beside Susanna. As soon as Adam closed the door, the driver set off, and the sudden jolt forced Susanna to grip onto the edge of the seat.

"What did you learn?" she asked desperately.

"Mr Bishop moved on just this morning," replied Adam, "mentioning that he was travelling to Highgate for a horse auction. That is where I have instructed the driver to take us. The barman said that a black man was travelling with Mr Bishop. I don't know why Mr Whitfield would still be ..." Adam paused, composing himself, "but I suppose that is what we are on this journey to learn."

The carriage brought them north of London to the leafy Highgate, where the trees had started to change in the autumnal weather. The horse auction was not difficult to locate, as in the centre of the village was a large gathering of men of all stations and dozens and dozens of horses. Some workhorses, carriage horses, and more that seemed thoroughbred.

"Stay with me, Susanna," instructed Adam as the door was once again opened.

The smell of something rather odious filled Susanna's nose as soon as she stepped out of the carriage. It was something that she was wholly unused to and she quickly covered her nose and mouth with a handkerchief as she looked around the crowd desperately.

"Oh, God," groaned Adam under his breath. "These poor creatures."

"What are you talking about?" asked Susanna through her handkerchief.

"This isn't an auction," replied Adam quietly. "Not in the traditional sense. I'd wager these horses are all old or lame or both. They are being sold to a knackers' yard."

"A knacker's yard?" repeated Susanna.

"A slaughterhouse," clarified Adam. "The horses ... they are used to feed the animals that will be sold for food. I overhauled the slaughterhouses Father owned ... I wouldn't have those sad creatures being starved until they were needed."

Susanna paled as she looked around at the horses that were waiting with their owners. Indeed, she could see that they were old, weary, or lame in some way. And what a dreadful fate.

But why on earth would Mr Bishop and Alex come here? Susanna searched the crowd, searched the faces of the men who waited their turn, looking for Alex. She received several glances from men as she passed them on Adam's arm, searching.

Until she suddenly froze in her tracks.

She did not see Alex, but Argent.

His beautiful, white mare was waiting in and amongst the sea of horses destined to be starved and killed. Susanna's mind immediately went to the first time she saw Alex work with Argent, the magic that he seemed to be able to conduct. But it was not magic, but trust and friendship. Alex loved Argent. Why would he ever bring her here?

"That is Alex's horse!" Susanna hissed as she gripped Adam's arm. "He loves her so, he would never part with her!"

Susanna's eyes finally travelled to the two men who accompanied Argent. The first was Mr Bishop, dressed as smartly as he had been while at Ashwood. He was gripping Argent's reins so tightly that he was nearly pulling the bit from her mouth. He was accompanied by another man, a young black man.

But he wasn't Alex.

---

So Susanna knows something's up!

Doing the research for the knackers' yard was honestly so sad. There was absolutely no laws regulating the treatment of horses, save for one act in the late 1700s that prevented stolen horses from being sold into them. 

Anyway, I'm sorry I missed our usual time last night. If you didn't see my post on my message board, by genius self decided to have a McFlurry last night. Harmless, right? Oh, except I'm lactose intolerant. 

I've become lactose intolerant as an adult, and it's only worsened in the last year or so and I'm still working out what my limits and no-go foods are. I've never been a big dairy person anyway as I've never liked cheese and I'm not a sweet tooth so I'd never go for yoghurt or cream or anything like that normally so it's been weird. But apparently ice cream is not okay. About two hours after I'd eaten the ice cream, I felt like I'd pulled a muscle in my stomach. The pain quickly radiated all over my abdomen and then all over my back. I was literally writhing, like I couldn't stop moving I was in so much pain and my mum said I reminded her of herself in labour. 

I got sick rapidly and threw up three times but I was still in agony and I was so tired. It was still awful at about 1am so I called Nurse on Call (which is this 24 hour service we have in Australia where you can speak to a nurse) and she told me to go to the ER if the pain didn't subside after paracetamol (and I'd already had some) so I doubled my dose and the pain dulled a little to the point where I could lie on my back. I managed to finally fall asleep after that. 

I woke up this morning much better, but I've still felt off all day. Lesson is: no more ice cream. Apparently there are medications you can take that make things easier when you have dairy so I'll need to investigate that as it's nearly winter and I have porridge for breakfast in winter and I cannot do almond milk as I hate the sweetness. I drink skim milk normally which is basically water anyway hahah

Anyway, welcome to the fascinating world that is figuring out what will and will not kill me to eat :)

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