Doctor Gordon left us alone almost as soon as they arrived.

I patted the chair beside the bed, offering Joseph a seat. He sat himself down and smiled at me.

I wrote, what are you smiling about? Thought you hated me.

Joseph read it and then looked at me with rage, "I don't hate you, Raegan. I never did. I hate myself really."

Why?

" Because I lied to you, Raegan. I said that Grace's accident was your fault but it wasn't. We never told you, because we didn't know how to. It was a drunk driver who hit your car. His name was David Williams and he had a wife and two kids at home."

I nearly gasped at the information.

"He had lost his job and didn't know how to tell his wife. She told us that they had just gotten a third mortgage on their house. He was scared, Raegan. So he went to the bar, got drunk, and when his wife called asking where he was, he decided he could make it home. Except he didn't."

Joseph squeezed his eyes shut before continuing, "He died, Raegan. When his car hit yours, the impact of his head on the steering wheel killed him. It's not your fault, Raegan. It never has been. I was stupid to blame you, but honestly I think it's because I blame myself."

Why do you blame yourself, Joey?

"Because it should have been me in that car. I was too busy with my friends to go pick up my dumb little sister. It should have been me with the guilt for all these years, not you. Never you."

Why did you blame me?

He looked at me, sadly. "I blamed you because you left me. You got your deal and then you just left me to clean everything up. I was mad at you for three years, Raegan. How could you do that to me? Your best friend? To Grace?"

I blamed myself, Joey. As you blamed me. I couldn't live with that. When Richard came to me with the offer, I couldn't refuse. It was the one thing I wanted in my entire life, so it was an opportunity of a lifetime.

Joseph nodded, "I understand now. And now you've lost everything and I feel terrible for hating you all these years. Can we just start over?"

I thought for a moment, before shaking my head. His eyes turned dark and his once happy expression became sad.

"What? Why not?"

I'm not ready to be your friend again, Joseph. You hurt me when you said those things. When you told me you wished the feelings we had for each other never existed, I - I cried myself to sleep over you. I've been doing that a lot lately, crying myself to sleep.

I shook my hand out, as it was starting to get a cramp from all the writing.

Look, maybe one day, I'll forgive you. But, right now, I'm just not ready.

He lowered his head, eyes toward his lap as he said, "I understand. I would feel the same exact way. I will find a way to make it up to you, Rae. I promise."

I shook my head before writing, you really don't have to.

"Yes, I do. I hurt you and I was an idiot. You were - are my best friend and I should have never treated you the way I did. I will make it up to you."

The room went silent again as he stared at me, but it wasn't too long before the silence was interuppted by a loud ZING from a phone.

"It's not mine," Joseph commented, placing his hands in his lap.b

I looked around for my phone and noticed it in the bedside table. I picked it up and read:

Ms. Holt,
Heard about your situation and everything that happened with Richard. Now that you are looking for a manager, yes?, I would like to speak to you about a deal. Call me for the details.
Rainbow Rayne

I could feel the tears in my eyes as I stared at the name in my phone. Stephanie, my Dee-Jay, wants to manage me, as if I could still speak, or sing.

"Do you need me to help you with something?" Joseph asked, probably hoping I would use him for something.

Then, I decided I could use him.

Can you call her, and tell her everything that happened? It appears she doesn't know that I no longer have a voice.

He nodded, grabbed my phone and walked out into the hallway. I coukd hear him speaking but it was muffled by the steel door.

I occupied myself by staring at the white walls around me. There wasn't a window in the room, which kind of surprised me, but then again, the hospital probably didn't want their suicide watch patients climbing out the window to go find some other method of death.

It was a few minutes before Joseph walked back into the room, passing me the cell phone.

"She said that she still wants to meet with you, something about a concert in Manhattan."

I shook my head, I can't do a concert. I have no voice!

"I know that, Raegan. She wants you to explain the situation to your fans at the concert."

I sighed, I didn't want to have to show them my scars.

I don't want to show them my scars.

Joseph rubbed the back of his neck, "Raegan, they're your fans. They deserve to know."

I nodded. He was right, of course.

I sent a message to Stephanie, ok, text me the details.