If my many years of binging books on Bookpad have taught me anything, it's that to have any semblance of happiness in life, a girl needs her bad boy.

So when some random guy holds the door open for me as I enter into my favorite café, I completely ignore him and the sweet smile he wears. If chivalry wasn't dead already, I would chop it up into little pieces and throw it into a shallow grave myself.  

The scent of fresh expresso and pastry dough entice me to move through the boho-style interior and place my order at the front counter.

"The usual, please." I smile politely to the apron-wearing teen on the other side of the register. It's enough to make his freckled face blush.

"Y-you look nice today, m-miss," the cashier says. Though I'm impressed he finally gathered the courage to speak to me with more than just one word answers, I couldn't care less if he finds me attractive or not.

"I know." So much effort goes into my appearance in the morning, in the hopes that some hot sadist out there will notice the pretty secretary working at a small law-firm in a large, corporate commercial building.

It hasn't paid off yet, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

The guy from earlier calls out to the cashier from behind me before I can fish my wallet out of my purse. "I'll pay for hers! Can you add just a regular medium coffee to that order?"

As I turn to look at him in surprise, he takes a deep breath that slows the trembling in his hands before saying, "Hey, um, you're really beautiful, though I guess you probably know that already...God, I'm not doing well at this at all, am I? How do people do this in movies all the time? It's terrifying."

The man awkwardly chuckles, scratching the back of his neck underneath his collared shirt. He's obviously hopeful that I'll say something sweet to ease his anxiety.

I say nothing.

After another deep breath, he tries to continue. "Anyway, what I wanted to ask is, will you have dinner with me sometime?"

He gives me a second sweet smile, full of hope that I'll return his interest and initial feelings of attraction.

Gross.

I stare straight at him, the most serious that a human being has been in the history of our species. "Are you one of the following: a CEO, a billionaire, a mafia don, a prince, a drug lord, a hitman, a bodyguard, a professional athlete, a nobleman of any kind, a vampire, a werewolf, a popular guy at school, a member of a boy band..."

The list goes on. It's a long list, but it pays to be thorough. Finding my perfect bad boy is my one true goal in life. "...a pirate, a stalker, a CIA or FBI agent, a private detective, my best friend or sister's boyfriend, someone sadistic who owns a bar or a nightclub-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm just an average guy, I work a boring job that pays the bills. I read books, watch Netflicks, and play video games in my spare time. My idea of a fun date is going to a game shop and picking out a cool new board game to try."

This guy sounds perfectly normal...and I hate it. Normal and nice is exactly what I'm not looking for. God, where are all the guys that exude pheromones and sexual dominance?

"Okay, whatever. I'm not interested."

His face falls. His head tilts downward, and he stares at the floor, looking uncomfortable. "Oh..."

The man looks like a sad little puppy who can't find its beloved owner. 

Ugh, so pathetic.

I turn and make my way out of the coffee shop. I guess my search continues, this guy was just another male who fails to make my alpha cut.

"W-wait!" He calls after me, rushing out of the café into order to catch up. "I lied to protect my identity! I am one of those things, uh, the first one! The CEO!"

I gasp. The cup of coffee falls to the ground, its lid popping off and spilling the hot contents across my white heels. The skin of my feet flushes red from the heat, yet the burning sensation barely registers in my mind.

None of that matters now, not when I've potentially found the one. Could this really be the moment I've been waiting for since I started reading books on BookPad at fifteen? Have I finally found my perfect guy?

I turn to face him, my hands clasping together in front of my chest and true, majestic sparkles twinkling in my eyes. "Oh my gosh, really?"

Before he has a chance to reply, I am at his side, clutching one of his hands in both of mine. "This is the best day of my life! No, wait, this is the first day of my life! I haven't lived until this moment!"

He looks a little taken aback. Which is understandable, after all, meeting one's soulmate is quite a shocking revelation!

"Can we still have dinner together? You still want to have dinner with me, right?" My nervous energy needs an outlet -- I can't help but start jumping up and down.

He smiles at me, but there's sadness in it that I don't understand. Maybe I'm just imagining it? I couldn't be disappointing him already, right?

No, that can't be it. The men in the BookPad stories always fall for girls like me. Sweet, unassuming, innocent...

"I do still want to have dinner with you. Could you give me your number? And uh, tell me your name?"

I sigh, but still enter my digits into his cell phone. I wish he demanded those things, rather than simply ask for them. Maybe he was recently appointed CEO and needs some time to adjust to the role?

It doesn't matter. He's my soulmate after all, I guess I could teach him! And then just...pretend that I didn't later, that he's been naturally aggressive the whole time. Genius.

"I'm Elise. And your are?"

"Ian."

I frown. 

"...something wrong, Elise?"

"It's just not very dominant sounding. How about I call you 'Sebastian' instead! We can pretend 'Ian' is just like a nick name or something."

Sebastian chuckles, looking as if he doesn't quite understand but is willing to oblige. He has a nice sounding voice, smooth and deep. Befitting of a CEO bad boy alpha male, in my opinion. Everything is falling into place!

"You can call me whatever you want. And I will call you later, Elise."

A wide grin spreads across my face, nearly reaching my ears. Our first date approaches, and I can hardly wait.

This is truly the greatest moment of my life thus far.

~~~

*Author's Note: Hope you guys enjoyed this parody scene - I had a ton of fun writing it. I may or may not continue the story, I wrote this on a whim. Let me know if you'd be interested in reading more!