This Chapter was more emotional to write than I thought it would be... Enjoy! 😬💙
***

During the night Caroline's contractions worsened. It was time to head to the hospital. A moment they dreamed of was no longer a happy time. Each contraction was a pain closer to her baby leaving her body. Caroline wasn't ready to say goodbye and neither was James.

Caroline's mother and Jessica also went to the hospital, while Danny stayed back with the kids.

James was a nervous wreck. In a normal delivery the mom has a goal. That goal is to meet her baby. In this case Caroline wanted the pain to end, but didn't want to see her son that way.

She opted out of any kind of pain relief. She wanted to feel what it was like to have a baby like most mothers do.

James was amazing and helped her whenever she needed him.

Caroline stood beside the bed and leaned over it while James pressed hard into her back.

Jessica and Susan watched as their children worked together so beautifully.

It was strange because the hourly checks weren't exciting. Knowing they were closer and closer to seeing their lifeless son, caused them much heartache.

Caroline remained calm during her labor and only let out a few low moans during the really intense contractions.

The only time Caroline really lost it was when she heard another baby cry a few doors down.
James quickly shut the door and rushed to her side.  Caroline grabbed onto the side of the bed and curled her body into a fetal position.  That cry was something she desperately wanted to hear from her baby.  She would never be able to hear it because her baby would be born sleeping.  That to her sounded better than anything else.  Her baby would be born an angel, and she tried so hard to find comfort in knowing that.

**

"Okay Caroline.. It's time. Are you ready?"

"... No." Her voice was shaky and a look of pure sadness was on her face.

"We'll leave you two alone.." Susan said before kissing Caroline on her cheek.

"Come here, baby." Jessica hugs James.

Hugging his mother made him want to break, but he knew that he needed to be there and remain calm for his wife.

"Okay Caroline, he should be out fairly quickly. Pull your legs back, deep breath in and and give me a small push, okay?"

Caroline did what he said and felt her baby move further and further down.
Feeling him move made her cry. She laid her head back and covered her face with her hand.

"James, I can't do this! I can't see him like that!"

"Baby, I know it's hard.. and I'm so sorry. But you have to push, honey.."

James wiped her tears and took her hand in his.
Caroline pushed again and James saw the first glimpse of his son.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
He was so small and so fragile.

The moment he came out, the doctor placed him in his mother's chest.

Caroline let out the loudest and most hurtful cry James has ever heard from her, or from anyone for that matter. 

"Lucas! My baby boy! Why?! Come back to mama, sweet boy!"

James cried as well. His heart hurt so bad for his wife, and he wished there was something he could do to fix this. Sadly there was nothing.

Caroline and James were right. The silence in the room was unbearable. Haunting almost. To feel your baby move every single day, to going to no movement at all. To go through labor and feel that pain, then hearing absolutely no cry at all was the most painful feeling in the world for both of them.

Feeling him move around Caroline once imagined what an active and hyper little boy her son would be. Now seeing him this way in her arms, all of those dreams were crushed.

"James why?! Why did this happen?!"

"I don't know, baby.. I don't know!" James cried.

Caroline reached up and held the side of his face.
James buried his face in the crook of her neck and cried along with her.

"I love you, Lucas.  Mommy loves you so much.  You're perfect.. You're the most perfect little boy I have ever seen."

**

The two held their baby boy for a while before having to hand him over.
They took Caroline to recovery and made sure she was okay.

Caroline's mother came in to see her, and James went out to see Jessica.

"Jamesy.. My baby.." Jessica spoke softly as she saw him walking towards her in tears.

"Mom!" He grabbed onto her and held her tight as his body shook.

"I saw him! He's the most perfect little boy I've ever seen! Mom, I can't do this, I can't!"

"It's okay, honey.. Just breathe, okay?" Jessica said in a soothing motherly voice as she rubbed his back.

"I want him back!"

"I know, baby.."

"He was just an innocent little baby, why did he have to go? Mom, what if he's lost? He needs his parents!"

"Honey, I understand. That does go through your mind when losing a baby. But honey, all the family that has gone before him was there to welcome him into Heaven. To welcome him home.."

James sobs and continues holding onto his mother.

***

Early the next morning James and Caroline were going back to Jessica's, but before that they were going to see their son one more time while being in the hospital. They had been given the chance to see him the night before as well. They took that time just starring at him and taking in every little detail.

This morning Jessica had brought over a few things from their house that James had asked for.

Caroline held the baby in her arms and James sat beside her.

"I wanna read him a story." James says.

"That would be nice." Caroline smiles softly.

"Okay little man.. You ready? My dad.. He used to read this story to me all the time when I was younger so.. I wanna read it to you too.. My first born.... My little guy."

Caroline silently cried as James read to their baby boy.

**

"The end.. That was a good story, huh?" James smiles.

Caroline was unknowingly gently rocking her baby as is if she was trying to soothe him to sleep.

"He would've been a big baby.." She suddenly said.

"I know. He's pretty big now.. Big and strong, huh little gummy bear?"

Caroline laughed. Gummy bear is what they called him at the beginning of her pregnancy because that's all Caroline wanted to eat.

Caroline looked down to her baby in her arms, then looked up to James.

"It's gonna be so hard to say goodbye."

"Don't think about goodbye right now.. Let's just be with him. Let's enjoy our time with our perfect little Lucas."

James played lullabies on his phone and he and Caroline spoke to the baby. They wanted to do everything possible before having to say goodbye.

***

Leaving the hospital was pure torture. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Their baby was supposed to leave with them.

The next day James, Caroline, and their mothers went to the funeral home. It was something neither one ever wanted to do, or thought they would ever have to do.

Caroline broke down a few times, and James had his moments. They picked out a beautiful casket and flowers. Seeing the tiny casket made it even more real as to why they were there.

A couple days later the family dressed in black to say goodbye to the littlest Shepard.

Caroline sat on the bed looking down to the ground as she nervously fidgeted with a tissue in her hands.
Her body slowly rocked back and forth not unlike the way she did holding her baby just days before.

"You ready, honey?" James placed his hand on her back.

The two were going early to dress their son for the first and last time.

"No.. I don't want to say goodbye."

"Me either.." James sat beside her.

Caroline turned to him.  Her eyes were red and puffy from the nonstop crying, but to James she was still beautiful as ever.

"We can get through this together.. Let's go see our son." James said holding his hand out.

Caroline nodded and took his hand.

**

Dressing him and saying their final goodbyes was harder than they could ever possibly imagine.
The room was filled with the grieving parents sobs.  Each one wanting to hold their son forever and never ever letting go.

"I love you, son.. Your mother and I love you with all our hearts.  You're so perfect to us and.. You'll never stop being our baby." As James spoke to Lucas, Caroline held onto his arm and stared at the baby.

It was a short service with family only.  Sarah did come to pay her respects but she was always more like family anyway.

Seeing people go up to the tiny white casket with light blue flowers that matched the decor from their baby shower just days ago, and knowing her baby boy was in there instead safe and warm inside of her where he should be.  It broke her.  She felt like she failed as a mother to Lucas and as a wife to James.  No matter how many people told her it wasn't her fault, Caroline still blamed herself.

The final goodbye was hard.  She sobbed over her son's casket, and when they put him in the ground beside his grandfather Sam, Caroline let out loud sobs.  In that moment she didn't care who was around.  Nothing else in the world mattered.

"MY BABY!!" Caroline fell to her knees and cried for her baby boy.  She wanted to hold him in her arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay.  She wanted to kiss him and tell him just how much she loved him.

***

It had been a week since the service, and James and Caroline were back at their house.  Neither one opened the door to their son's nursery.  Even walking past it hurt.
James had taken time off of work but he had to go in today.  He didn't want to leave Caroline alone, but he didn't have a choice.

"Honey, why don't you go stay at your parents house today?  Or mine?  My mom's off today so you can hang out over there.  You don't have to be around anyone, just stay in my room."

"No, I'm okay.."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah.. I'll be fine."

"Okay.  I'll be calling you."

"Alright.  Be carful."

"I will. I love you." James kisses her cheek.

"I love you too."

James left and Caroline slowly walked up to the nursery.  She wanted to go in but she couldn't make herself do it.
Instead she sat outside of it just staring at the door.
After a while she stood up and slowly turned the knob. Waking in and seeing all of his baby clothes, his crib, changing table, bottles, nursing chair, binky's, Everything!  It was all in there and it all hurt more than she'd ever imagine.

Caroline walked over to the crib and looked down.  She closed her eyes and pictured looking down to her happy and healthy baby boy.

Off to the side there was a stack of his little clothes she had already washed.  It was a few outfits she went and bought the day they found out they were having a boy.
Caroline held them to her chest and began sobbing.  Never being able to see his beautiful eyes or hear his beautiful cry.  Never hearing his first word or watch him take his first step.  It was all getting to her and her body filled with so much anger and sadness.

Caroline threw the clothes and started yelling.  She needed to get all of her anger out because until now it's only been tears.

The bottles that were laid out on the dresser she hit them to the ground.  With everything she had in her she punched the wall with anger.  She knocked the crib over, his toys she threw across the room.  The room was a total wreck but she didn't care.  She went back to the wall and continuously punched it.  Caroline screamed and slammed herself forward onto the wall.

"Why did you have to take my baby away from me!!" She sobbed so hard she was losing her breath.

James had been calling her but her phone was downstairs so she never heard it.
He was so worried about her he drove home and got there just as she was screaming and crying against the wall, while punching her fist into it.

"Caroline!" James climbed over the mess and rushed to her side.

She sobbed loudly and collapsed onto him.
They sat on the ground and James held her in his arms.  He didn't know what to do or say, so he just held her and let her get all of her emotions out.

***
I'm so sorry!