Dear Jesus,

"Oh, hi, John!" Uluir greeted cheerily, "Thanks so much for the other day. You're a lifesaver. Had I known I was going to be fine enough to come to service today, I wouldn't have bothered you."

"It was nothing, ma. I was glad to help. And I'm glad you're feeling much better now."
Pause. "Hello, Radiance!"

His tone, though a bit devoid of the usual warmth, still made my heart skip like overactive puppies.
I looked everywhere but his face.

"Hi," I managed to mumble.
I wanted to say a thousand things to him, to tell him all that had transpired since he left my place on Saturday morning, to ask him what was up with the look he gave me earlier, and to explain things if he had somehow misunderstood what he saw-not that it was anything incriminating, per se.

Uluir didn't seem to notice the silent tension crackling between us and she, being her merry self, continued talking.

"You look familiar," Uluir said to Lori Simons squinting slightly at the girl.

Lori looked at me then her.
"Yes. I've seen you once or twice in the department. I'm Lori Simons, a year two student of Medicine and Surgery just like Radiance."

"Oh, that's very nice. Did Radiance invite you?"

I winced. Not that I hadn't thought of it. It's just that in year one alone I had gathered such a reputation already. Not many of my colleagues, apart from the friends I already had, really felt comfortable mingling with weird old me.

Lori laughed, shining her pearly whites. "We don't talk that much. John was the one who invited me," she said as she's gazed adoringly at John.

"Oh, I see," Uluir said. "We'd love to see more of you here, Lori Simons."

I was fuming internally. No, Jesus, Uluir couldn't see.
I didn't know why, but I had a feeling something fishy was brewing. I just couldn't place my finger on it yet. I couldn't pinpoint if this was my jealous/bruised ego revolting or a warning from the Spirit.

Politely, Uluir said we had to go.

I glanced back over my shoulder and I saw that John did the same. I wished I could read minds just then. His eyes looked sad.

Uluir said we should climb up to the gallery. It was still being renovated and since our population in the fellowship was still moderate, it wasn't really used except as a makeshift store where the stacks of unused plastic chairs were kept.

We'd barely settled down when Uluir said, "Now spill. What's up with you two?"

"Uh? Who?"

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Oh please. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm engaged, remember?"

I shot her a sly grin and said, "Yeah to the most eligible bachelor in this fellowship. Tell me again, how did it happen? I bet the other sweet sisters in this fellowship are secretly plotting against you both!"

Her deadpan glare told me she wasn't taking my bait. I sighed.
"Is it that obvious?"

"Even a bat can smell that something is wrong. Did you guys fight over something during the weekend?"

"Funny as it sounds, no. We were cool just yesterday. I don't know what went off."
Well, I suspected it was a case of jealousy but I just didn't want to broach that possibility.

"Do you want me to talk to him? Be the peacemaker?"

"What? Ew! No! It'll pass, I'm sure."

"If you say so."

"That's not why I said we had to talk immediately."

"I guessed as much. What's going on?"

I exhaled. "A lot."
Then I went on to give her a detailed breakdown of what happened over the weekend.
"I knew from the moment my guardian angel showed up at the door that things would get tougher for me. I just want to know exactly what God requires of me."

"Hmmm. Before we move on, I want to do a brief recap slash crash course just so I can be sure we're on the same page. Okay?"

I nodded.

"What comes to your mind when you hear the word consecration?"

I wanted to do a backflip because Uluir had just hit the nail on the head without me having to say too much. It was obvious why you chose her to mentor me.

I said the first thing that came to my mind. "Consecration means separation from the world unto God. There's always a mark of consecration, take for instance, Jacob's limp."

"Very well said. I'd forgotten I was speaking to a pastor's daughter. Theology is a walkover for your likes," Uluir said with a mischievous grin.

"Stop joking."

"Right. Is there anything you're holding back from God? Anything that's become an idol in your heart?"

I paused and thought for a while. "I don't know. I like to think I've pretty much given everything over to God."

"Are you sure? I think God is jealous over you, Radiance. It may not look like it on the surface but maybe your heart is divided."

I furrowed my brows. Only one thing came to my heart as Uluir spoke. But, oh Jesus, I immediately shoved it aside. Surely it couldn't be that-couldn't be him.

"I will pray over it," I said resignedly, "And I'll give you an update. I'm so happy I was able to pour my heart to you, Uluir."

"Count yourself lucky, girl. There's actually something I think is high time I talked to you about too. Why haven't you joined the stewards training yet?"

"Well, a lot transpired in year one..."

"This is a new year, sis."

"I know. I just... I don't think I'm cut out to be in the spotlight. I just want to be the girl in the secret place. Besides, what unit would I join? We don't exactly cater for kids here," I said, chuckling.

"Radiance, ever since you humbled yourself to become my mentee, I've been praying unceasingly for you. You can't claim you love God and not commit yourself to service in his house. Service to God is one of the key steps to consecration, if I might add."

I knew. I had been thinking about it since we resumed back, actually but...

"But you guys have so many strict guidelines to follow and barely have time to yourselves. Combining that with all I already have to deal with, I don't think I can manage."

"You don't think? Then how am I doing it? John is a worker too."

Oh bummer, did she have to bring him up?

"The most important question is, what does God want?" she said.

"He's never said anything about that to me personally."

She smiled, held my hands in hers and said, "Radiance, the whole of creation is awaiting your manifestation. But God wants to prune your heart till you become as pure as gold. He does what he has to, albeit inconvenient to your flesh, first because he loves you. Never forget that."

It made tears well in my eyes, made my heart a little hesitant, because how could I bear what I already suspected You'd laden me with?

I clutched Uluir's hands tighter and whispered, "Please, please pray for me. I don't trust myself to be able to go through the full consecration process. To be honest, I'm scared."

Uluir gave me a small smile and said, "You're not alone. Jesus was scared of the cross too. Go to Him. Do what he did. Pray."

I nodded.
She said, "What if I pray with you now?"

"I'd love nothing better."

So, I knelt down and Uluir, still seated, prayed and declared over me. I was so overwhelmed by the intensity of Your presence that I fell under the power onto the dusty floor of the gallery. It was as if small sparks of electric current were dancing through my bones.

I floated in a warm bubble of your glory, crying my eyes out until I felt Uluir's arms embrace me.

After I had stabilized, Uluir explained that she had to go because she and Pastor Daniel had a date scheduled in the evening, which I teased her about.

At first, I considered going to the GWW to spend some time in prayers but then I thought it would be better to stay in the fellowship hall since it wouldn't be locked till night by the chief usher, a nice lady who wanted to read for her upcoming test.

I remained in the gallery thinking for a long time and trying to sort through my emotions. I couldn't even process the things I knew I had to pray about because my heart was so burdened.

When I was sure I was alone in the auditorium when the chief usher went to one of the offices backstage, I removed the jacket I wore over my armless gown, tied it around my waist and went barefooted to the altar. I still didn't know exactly what to pray so I just hummed and chanted in the spirit.

Then, about an hour and a half into that, it happened. I had a vivid vision.

I saw a golden altar so huge it towered over me. I had to shield my eyes from the shimmering light from its sooth surface. There were inscriptions etched on the edges.

Suddenly, a loud trumpet blast that sounded like a war cry reverberated through the arena. It was so loud that I covered my ears till it subsided. I looked at the altar again and saw that it had steps. I climbed till I reached the top of the huge altar. I saw You, standing in your regal robe.
Immediately, I knew You were showing Yourself to me as the firstborn sacrifice.

"Hear what the Spirit says, my beloved end time warrioress, and write the words I speak unto you that you may run and fight."

I knew You wanted to give me the specifics of my consecration requirements as I'd asked. My heart pounded in anticipation. But how would I write?

A scroll and a quill pen materialized in my hands. And I began to scribble out the very detailed instructions you started to give me.

"Consecrate yourself to me in fasting and prayer. Starting tomorrow you'll fast till 6pm in the evening for the next 21 days.

"Two hours of praying in the spirit every midnight. It's a token of my covenant.

"About joining the workforce in my house, I want you to join the evangelism unit.

"Lastly, you'll have to keep your distance from my royal priest for now."

That one struck me hard. I stopped writing and looked up to Your face in shock.

Actually, I had things to say about each of the demands but I knew I could manage to do them by Your grace.

I knew it was John You referred to as 'my royal priest'.
"But why? Have we displeased you Lord?"

You gave me a small smile.
"No."

Tears stung the back of my eyes. "But, but, Lord... This is wrong timing. I think he's angry at me. This will only worsen matters."

"Just trust me. Can you do that, Radiance?"

I looked into Your eyes swirling with love and I just knew I couldn't say no to You, never mind the painful arrows in my heart. Maybe I had grown too emotionally attached to John. It reminded me of what You said when I was leading Gen through this same path just yesterday.

I nodded and fell to my knees, my tears streaming fast onto your sandaled feet.

"My Lord, I don't know why you're demanding this from me or how I'm supposed to pull this off or how long this command is for. But I trust You."

You placed Your hand on my head. "Go in this your might, beloved."

Then in a loud voice, You proclaimed Your Word which I later discovered in Ps.118.27
"I am the LORD, which hath shewed thee light: bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar."

With a gasp, I was sucked back to reality. I was in a bowed posture, my face drenched in tears and sweat. And would You believe that everything You'd told me was written in my own handwriting in my church jotter?

Jesus, You cried in Gethsemane for the Father to make the cup of sacrifice pass over You. I think I now understand better what You felt.

After I was sure I was stable enough, I took my purse and sluggishly left the fellowship hall after informing the chief usher. It was already evening by then. I decided a long walk will help to clear my head.

I was feeling slightly depressed. Memories of the happy times I had spent with John came crashing down my mind. I couldn't believe I wasn't allowed to see him or relate closely with him again. I didn't even know how I would pull that off because there was holy priesthood and the fact that I'd see him more regularly since I'd join the workforce soon.

Lord, I'm being honest in this diary about how I felt. Apart from John, I don't think I've really had any tangible connection with any other guy. But if I'd be honest about it, maybe it was a little too much. I mean, this diary is filled with tales of John. I imagined how it must have looked like to You. Had I turned John into my idol?

I pulled out my phone, wanting to listen to some soulful music by Hillsong that would soothe my spirit but then I felt it would be right to call my mentor since I promised her an update. Then I remembered about her date. Not wanting to interrupt her happy romantic moment-which was practically nonexistent for me henceforth-I chatted her up.

'Consecration is hard. He's given me instructions I have to abide by. Let's just say I need a truckload of grace to be able to pull this off. 😭😭😭'

I had the urge to call Mom. I had to really unburden to someone and since Mom was the only person asides from You that I'd ever really admitted my feelings for John to, I knew she was my safest option.

"If it isn't my Star!" Mom's melodious voice said after she'd picked up at the second ring. "How are you doing?"

I forced excitement into my voice. "Hey Mom! It's so good to hear from you." Pause. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" My voice wobbled, thanks to the emotion that had clogged my throat.

"What's wrong, Radiance?" She sounded worried.

I sniffed. "It's nothing I can't handle. I just wish I could see you and hug you right now."

"What happened?"

I sat on a bench on the sidewalk and told her everything.

"Mom, if I distance myself from John..."

Boy, I'd thought so far. He could hate me forever. He could date some other girl-especially with Lori Simons in the picture-maybe marry her and even have lots of kids with her. Those thoughts made me cringe. It was a nightmare.

At the end, Mom comforted me, reinforced Your words and even sang a silly lullaby from my childhood that had me laughing. She assured me that she'd intensify her prayers for me.
I felt a little better and I thanked her.

I boarded a tricycle home, briskly greeted my friends and went to mope in the room under my duvet.

My friends tried to probe about my sour mood and asked if I would eat dinner now-to which I said no because if I would be fasting for the next 21 days, I'd better started preparing my system.

They tried to cheer me up and forced me to join them in the living room for a cinema evening, and guess the movie Trisha recommended? The Chosen. Watching a retelling of the lifestyle of You and Your disciples only heightened my cloudy mood. I was a sobbing mess at the end of three episodes. More than the rest of my cuddling, watery-eyed friends.

Here was the thing about being in a cluster like this. Sometimes I missed my privacy when I could just be messy me, as I baulked out my eyes to You in private. But it was also somehow good to not be alone. Because if I was, I'd be second-guessing what I'd heard You say.

There was a knock on the door at around 8:30 pm. Of course, I being the official door girl went to get the door. It was Aliya. She was a shaking ball of tears.

I ushered her in, made her comfortable and asked her what the matter was.
When she finally got a grip of herself, she said and I quote, "I want to know about your God."

To say I was shocked would have been an understatement. Okay, where did that come from?

To summarise the long story, Aliya told us how their mother called yesterday and told her and her sister something totally unbelievable. Their younger brother had been healed by some Christian missionaries who came to their neighbourhood.

Stealing glances at my friends, I coaxed her to give more details and, Oh Jesus, it turned out Aliya and Brianna's younger brother was the Rokeeb that I'd ministered to.
It was so mind-blowing to us. When we told her our side of the story to fill the gaps, her eyes widened kept growing wider and she looked like she wanted to bolt out the door and drag Brianna in here.

Still not feeling quite up to the task, I allowed Kathy to take the lead in explaining the basic concept of Your love to her, chipping in answers to her questions bit by bit.

Aliya finally said yes to You, Lord. It was beautiful, emotional even, because from her tone as she said the sinner's prayer that Kathy led her in as the rest of us prayed in tongues under our breaths, I knew You'd been knocking the door of her heart for a while and Rokeeb's healing was just the last straw.
Brianna would be a tougher nut to crack, I was sure.

Heaven was rejoicing. Why was I still feeling gloomy?

Asides the time I discovered I was adopted, this was the second worst night of my life.

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Authors note: Happy Sunday, y'all. How was service? Whew! That was one intense chapter. I'm sure some of you feel as sad as I do for our dear Radiance.🥺 I legit shed many tears while writing this chapter. I think some of you might have suspected and seen it coming that this might happen. I'm sure some of you want to strangle me right now. Hey, don't blame me. You can carry your grievances to HS. 😮‍💨

I have been on a personal journey of restoration and consecration lately. And boy, it's not been a walk in the park.
It's funny how God always asks us to sacrifice that thing which we treasure and love the most.😔💔❤️‍🩹

I just pray that for anyone reading this who is still hesitant about obeying God, that He would grant you grace to obey. 🙏

I can't wait to see how this goes. How will Radiance survive without John? And did you see the whole thing with Aliya coming?

I'd appreciate your votes, comments and shares. 🫂💖

Toodles!