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Chapter 9

I mark myself in my own blood, cutting my skin. Striking myself again and again.

"You deserve it. The pain is your price for being so terrible. So disgusting. Harder. Cut harder. Deeper. Cut deeper."

The voice eggs me on, but this time, I ignore it. The pain is all I can take. At my eighth strike, I let out a guttural sob, and drop the scissors.

I look at my bloody wrist. What have I done?

Then I hear them.

'Sofía? Where are you?' I recognise the voice as Caitlin's.

'Sofía, we're worried!' This one is Mrs. Banks.

'Sofía, please come back.' It's Lucía. And her voice sounds so raw and worried that I sob, before blocking my mouth. They can't find me. Never. Ever.

"Sofía, wasn't that stupid? They probably know where you are now. They will find out what you've done. Hide it!"

This time, I listen to it of my own free will. I grab my hoodie out of my bag. It's my white netball one. I pull it on, just as I hear them enter the bathroom.

'Sofía, are you in here?' Caitlin says.

I open the door, and step out.

There are mixed reactions. Caitlin hugs me, Lucía asks me why on earth I was hiding, and Mrs. Banks gives me a strained smile.,

I resist the urge to look down at my arm, because what if they follow my eyes? So I hide my arm behind my back.

At last, Caitlin releases me.

'We were so worried! Why did you hide in here?' she says, and I smile despite myself, because even now, she's still speaking in exclamation marks.

'Why are you smiling? What are you hiding?' she says, confused.

'No, it's just... after you couldn't find me, and were all worried, you still manage to speak so positively!'

She frowns for a moment, not quite getting what I mean, before understanding dawns on her face.

'Oh! Only the best for you, Sofía! You're my best friend!'

And it's all so unbelievably cheesy, and I just feel so loved, and I just remember.

I remember all the amazing times I've had with Caitlin. She doesn't deserve what I might put her through.

I remember the time we made snow angels in the town park.

I remember going to the cinema with her to watch our favourite movie, The Greatest Showman.

And I remember the first time I met her. I was the new girl that didn't speak much English. She was the outcast with an accent. I came into class, and the only free seat was next to her. So I sat next to her, and through Google Translate conversations, we connected. Strongly.

And I am reminded of how lucky I am to have Caitlin as my best friend.

Tears slip from my eyes without me realising it, until Lucía swoops down on me.

'¿Qué pasa, Sofía?'

(What's wrong, Sofía?)

'Nada, Lucía. I just- I just missed you guys.'

'We saw you this morning!'

'No- no, I missed Caitlin, cause I haven't talked to her enough recently. And- and I missed you Lucía, because- well, we haven't been very good sisters lately.'

As I'm saying this, I gesticulate, and Caitlin grabs my wrist. She examines the blood that's seeped through my white sleeve.

'What happened, Sofía?' she asks softly.

I hide my arm behind my back.

'Nothing.' Then I curse myself for not lying. They'll know something's up now.

'Are you sure it's nothing, Sofía?' asks Mrs. Banks.

'Yes, miss.' I say, a blush heating my cheeks.

'You better come with me to the nurse's office anyway. She'll want to check out that cut on your arm.'

Panic arises within me.

'No. No, you don't get it. I'll just go home, go to the doctor then!' Anything but them finding out what I've done.

'You're coming to the nurse.' says Mrs. Banks, more firmly this time.

I look at Caitlin and Lucía with pleading eyes, hoping at least one will stick up for me, but they just watch in silence. It's as if they think they know what's best for me.

They don't.

Well forget them, then. I glare at them over my shoulder as I unwillingly follow Mrs. Banks down the corridor to the nurse's office.

The nurse's name is Penelope. She is nice, and I usually like her, but not today. Mrs. Banks walks into the room, and I have no choice but to follow her.

Mrs. Banks whispers a few words to Penelope. I can only imagine what they are.

"Found her in the bathroom..." "probable self harm" "claims it's nothing" "maniac" "crazy"

Then she leaves, and it's just me and Penelope.

'Now, Sofía. I hear you have some nasty cuts. Do you mind rolling up your sleeves? I don't want any dirt from your hoodie infecting that cut.'

Reluctantly, I roll up my sleeves, and wow. It's worse than I thought. What did I do to myself?

Penelope examines the cuts.

'Oh my, dear, are you ok?'

I consider that question. No, I am not OK, but if I tell her that... I'll get into trouble. No one will understand why I did what I did. I don't even understand why I did what I did.

I finally answer.

'Yes.'

Penelope looks at me like she doesn't believe me, but she replies

'OK', for which I am grateful.

She cleans my cuts, and puts a bandage around my arm. When she's done, she looks at me in concern.

'I would probably recommend you going to the counsellor at least once a week. You can do that of your own free will, or I can tell Mrs. Banks, and she can arrange it with your parents.' Penelope gives me a small smile, and rolls up her sleeve. I see faint white scars crossing across her wrist. 'Just remember, you are never alone.' she says, and a tear falls from my eye onto my new white bandage.

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