Zaira

The following day we were both avoiding each other like the plague.

Maybe, we couldn't for the love of Allah, imagine ourselves like that. Like what Zaira? Like holding onto each other in a desperate moment? It wasn't a desperate moment! No! Why am I even thinking about that!
I continued to grate the cheese.

I recalled back today morning.

I had stirred awake very early. I was just going to move, when I felt conscious of some warm thing on my hand. I looked down at my hand, to see that we were both holding hands. Ya Allah! What the hell was going on!? I thought. Then I looked up at him. He was sleeping relaxedly again, with his injured arm sprawled over his chest and good hand holding mine.

Then it all dawned upon me. Last night. How I couldn't hold back my guilt and I had let out my tears. I had been careful and had checked if he was asleep. Then only I had broken down into tears. Alas. He had been awake. And after a while, he held my hand. To be frank, it did really calm me. At first I hadn't registered anything. But then, it was like he was telling it was okay. Well, I hadn't exactly apologized or thanked. It was like I was apologizing and thanking through my tears and he was accepting them with his gesture. We were conversing with our silent words.

I had soon put away my thoughts and slowly pried my hands from his. Then I had got up. I couldn't imagine how awkward it would be if I had woken him up, so I had went out and told Ayra to wake him up, making an excuse of going downstairs. Fortunately, Ayra had been awake too.

I couldn't believe I was still pondering over that. So I completely focused my attention into grating the cheese. However much I tried, my thoughts kept wandering to that topic.

That was just when, Zubair decided to come to the kitchen. When no one else was there. How much more could this fool be dense? Our eyes met, and we both quickly looked away.

He faltered in his steps. Then he scratched his head, as if he had forgotten the main reason to have come to the kitchen. Then he made it to the fridge and poured a glass of juice. Did he have to drink the juice in the kitchen!?

Just when I thought that the awkwardness was not going to get any worse, Ayra entered.
We both sighed in relief. A little too loudly, at that.
We looked up again, then quickly looked away. Just when I was hoping that Ayra hadn't noticed our exchange, she crashed it.

She cleared her throat, "Uh....... okay. You two? For one thing.....can you two possibly stop acting cute. I am going to die. Secondly, drop the beans. What were you two doing? You both resemble two red tomatoes." She said pointing at each of us.

I cleared my throat, "I.......We........Uh.....were doing nothing. Why would we do anything?" I asked not looking at her.
Zubair just stood there, silent.

Aisha entered. She looked at the three of us, then remarked, "Are you two okay? Why are you both red?"

"Exactly! I was asking the same thing! They were surely doing something! I asked them to spill the beans. But brother is standing and not talking as if frozen." She told laughing.

"Uh.......I-I don't know what you're talking about, so I am leaving." He said clearing his throat and left the kitchen.

I continued to grate the cheese, as if nothing had happened at all.

***

Aisha wanted to make pizza for breakfast. So after I had done grating the cheese and Ayra was done with the toppings, we made the pizza and baked it.

Now we were currently seated on the dining table. I sat frozen in my seat, next to Zubair. We had to sit together, since we were a married couple. Well I am sure there wasn't anything between us that is supposed to be with real married couples.

Except yesterday night, right ? My inner voice remarked. Oh! This head of mine is useless! Why am I fussing over such a little thing! Holding hands? It's not like we were even properly thinking! Putting away my dumb thoughts, I focused on the table.

There were two dishes of pizzas, a pot of corn soup, pomegranate juice and toast. There were too much to choose from.

Everyone of the family ate together, today. So it was a cheerful, loud and happy morning.

The kids were shouting about the taste of the pizza. Mother and father were happy about the corn soup. Even, Zubair had commented on the soup being good.

I smirked at that. Once he comes to know that I made the soup, he would be puking. 
Fortunately, Ayra had not noticed his remark. Or else she would have had a field day.   

  I was getting annoyed with him. Everytime I tried to move, we would brush each other's elbows or hands. It would send an electric shock through me everytime. I had a hard time moving. It was like I was frozen on the spot. I should have added more salt and chilie in it, just to spite him, I thought.

We were all almost done with breakfast. I felt thirsty, after eating a lot. So I reached for the juice. At the same time he too reached for it. We ended up being in a too similar position to yesterday, his hand on top of mine. On the bottle.

Now, not only did our hands meet, our elbows also touched. It sent a strong electric shock through me. I was having a hard time recovering from it. Then I felt my heart gallop. My insides mushy and weird. I felt hot.

I looked up at him. His eyes were wide.

We were both reeling in our shock, when Ayra whistled. I whipped my head towards her. She was grinning from ear to ear.

"For how long are you two going to stay like that? Are you guys going to drink the juice or not? If you turn your head and see, you will notice that there are many people who want to drink it." Khalid said, laughing.

"Why are Z.uncle and Zaira auntie looking like tomatoes, mama? I don't like tomatoes." Mariam pouted.

Everyone burst into laughter. Well, everyone except certain two people. I rolled my eyes.

We both pulled our hands from the bottle, after the initial shock wore off. Then I cleared my throat, and poured some juice into my glass. I shakily lifted it to my mouth and drank. Zubair, did the same.

Everyone were still laughing, and the others poured themselves some juice.

"Okay, now I know that there is something. I mean, look at them. Besides, brother never stays silent when I bicker with him. Earlier, he just left without giving a fight. And now he shuts himself up." She said, narrowing her eyes at us.

"Oh? Did something happen earlier?" Father asked.

And there she goes again. Ayra described every little thing that had happened in the kitchen, from our looks to our actions and reactions.

I was literally biting my cheek, dying out of embarrassment.

Everyone were having fun with our sticky situation.

***

That night, we were very careful and slept keeping a big distance between us. We didn't want anymore awkward situations or embarrassing situations to haunt us.

Fortunately, he had the brain to go ask help from Aisha to unbuckle his cast. So any possible awkwardness was prevented.

Now, we both were lying awake, unable to sleep. I knew he was awake, because he kept tossing and turning.

But I was still confused over my reactions. I mean, why was I fussing over such a small thing? Like holding hands or brushing elbows? It's normal isn't it? And it doesn't mean anything!

It's because you never imagined it to be with Him. Did you even imagine sleeping with him, much less holding hands? I mentally face palmed myself. I was furiously with my inner voice for messing up my mind!

"Why are you hitting your head for?" Suddenly he asked me.

"Huh?" I asked lost. I was still
looking up at the ceiling.

"You're hitting your head repeatedly, Genius."

Okay. So I must have not 'mentally face palmed' myself, but actually done it. How ridiculous! This guy is driving me insane! I thought.

He suddenly turned towards me and looked at my face. I was still trying to focus on the ceiling, calming my nerves.

"Why are you pink? Are you blushing, Zaira?" He smirked.

"What! No! I don't blush, ever. Now, go to sleep! You're not yourself." I said angrily and turned away to sleep.

He chuckled throatily and turned.

Then I fell into sleep. Just as I was falling to slumber, I heard a quiet,"Yes, you did."

***

Shockingly, today morning, Zubair had woken up first. As usual, he didn't have the brains to wake me up. But Alhamdhulllah! I woke up to his loud noise. After praying Tahajjud and Fajr, we both were busy in getting ready.

Because our holidays were over, and we were supposed to return back to work.

I wore a white shirt with black lines and a baggy black trouser with a black blazer on top. I topped it off with a black shawl.
Zubair also wore a white T shirt, black trousers and a black blazer on top.

Today was the day we were supposed to meet the staff of the Company and address them. So father had instructed us both to wear official clothes.

We both had breakfast with everyone and left downstairs.

We both got on his Allion X and went off to office.

"The traffic is high as usual." I said to no one in particular. "Wonder if we will get on time.....?" I asked him.

Silence. He ignored me.
Okay. The cruel Zubair is back. I guess he is reminded of how I stole his position, that must be why. I was a little disappointed. I thought he had changed. I thought we could be friends. I thought he was different on the inside.

He is, Zaira. The old Zubair would never laugh. Would never smile. Would never tease. Would never blush! Would never 'Agree' with you. He wouldn't even give a second glance at you.
But now he is changed. He does the total opposite. He has opened himself up. Hasn't he? You're still not accepting him.

I looked at him, turning my head. Was he any different than he was last time?

"Don't ogle at me. You will bore a whole through my face. I know I am handsome and cool, even if you don't do it." He smirked.

"Okay, the Zubair is back." I said.

He just shook his head and continued to drive.

Little did Zaira knew, the reason for Zubair to ignore her earlier was because he was too, in deep thought. He had realized that he had shown a little bit of his other side to her. The side which he only showed to his close ones. And he never in his dreams wanted her to know this side. Unintentionally he ended up doing the opposite. So in an effort to stop himself, he was going back to his old self. It was getting harder.

But the real question which kept replaying in his mind and which sent a shiver down his spine and which sent his heart in a gallop was, Did he really want to stop himself from showing her his other side?

***

Both of us were finally done with the meeting and the addressing.

It was held in the conference hall of the Compound. The staff were giving us wide smiles with welcoming gestures. We addressed them and I introduced myself. I had introduced myself with just my name, when, the Announcer excused himself and spoke aloud, that there was a news and that almost employees might not know, and told me to tell them about it.
I was looking at him questioningly and looked at Zubair. He was seated on the stage with others and was looking down.
It clicked in my mind. Then I nervously laughed in the microphone and introduced myself again as Mrs. Zubair. Everyone cheered and clapped. I was feeling hot, so I soon delivered my speech.

So now currently we were both looking over a new project. He was checking on the budget while I checked on the blueprint.

Once it was lunch time, Ms. Careem, the secretary, excused herself for lunch. Should I feel offended that, she didn't even acknowledge me and went straight for him? I thought. I glared daggers at her back when she returned back.

"Do you want to grab lunch?" He said rising up from his chair and putting on his blazer.
"What!?" I looked up startled. "You're asking me that?"
Sighing he said, "Yes, Genius"

"Okay...." I said unsure. Last time, he didn't even bother giving me a glance during my lunch. Now he is asking to go out for lunch? Fishy.

We both got onto the elevator and went downstairs. Then we went to Lunch.D which was nearby.

***

It was raining that evening.

We were still busy on our project. There was a mistake in the blueprint. So I went over to Zubair's table and asked him about.
We both were discussing about it when he said suddenly, "We will have to leave late, tonight. And it's raining........" He sighed. I nodded my head absentmindedly, still pondering over the mistake.

Then, Ms. Careem came in and excused herself for the night. I chose to ignore her.

We gave a call to home to inform the others of our delay.

***

Finally, at about 11:00 pm, we both decided to call it a day. He looked quite grim, when I said we should leave.
I stayed near the entrance while he went to get the car.

The rain was heavy today. It could even storm. I made a dua to Allah, to keep us safe.

Then the car came, and I got in. I noticed that he had laid his blazer on top of the seat. I was wondering if he was not cold. Then I realized that he was sweating profusely. He was also tense.
"Hey. Are you okay? You're weird." I asked him a bit concerned. "I am fine." He said quietly.
His cast had been removed yesterday at the hospital. He only had the bandage on his hand. So he was able to drive.
Now he was gripping the wheel tightly. And his knuckles turned white.

What the hell is going on inside his head? Is he okay? It's not even safe for him to drive in this rain, if he isnt.

Then, he accelerated the car, and we moved forward. I was very alert through the ride. The traffic was high, so he decided he'd go through the highway.

We were going on the highway, and I relaxed in my seat.

Just when I thought I had forgotten to recite the dua of traveling, two headlights came before us, they didn't change their lane.

It was coming on the wrong side. I gripped Zubair's shoulder and shouted, "Zubair! The vehi-"

Just then our car turned left, of the path and skidded across the road and came to a stop, on the edge of the forest, beside the highway.

The airbags had automatically, blown up and both of our heads hadn't knocked on the front.

I felt pain in my side, because I had knocked with the handrest to my side. I ignored it and whipped my head towards Zubair.

He was still gripping onto the wheel and had his head on the Airbag. He was breathing hard, in big intakes of air.

"Hey? Zubair! Are you okay?"

I quickly removed my seatbelt and turned towards him. I leaned over and clicked open his seatbelt too. Then he slumped onto the Airbag and wheel.

"I am fine. Leave me alone." He said through ragged breaths.

I muttered a silent Alhamdhulillah.

"Okay........... What should I do about the other driver? The car didn't collide with his car. Should we just leave it, like that? Besides it's almost midnight." I said worried.

He nodded his head.

Then the other driver came near his window and tapped. I leaned over Zubair and pressed the button to roll the window down. The contact with him sent butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

As soon as the window rolled down, he stared apologizing frantically. He seemed to be a man of 30 years. He was apologizing profusely and asked if we were okay. He told that, his wheels had skidded with the slippery road. I told him that we were okay. Alhamdhulillah! Then I asked about him. He said that he was alone in the car., and his car hadn't been damaged.
I told him that we were fine and since it was late, we wanted to leave, without going to report the accident.
He thanked me and asked again, "Are you okay, ma'am? There's blood dripping down your side." He said concerned.

What? I didn't even feel it! I thought.

And Zubair jerked and tried to turn and look at me and winced at the movement, before looking at me closely, still his head resting in the wheel. I saw concern and worry, cloud his features.

"Yeah, I am sure, I didn't even feel a thing until you said it." I nervously laughed it off, touching the side of my head.

The man asked on how we were returning, since Zubair had looked tired, and I said that I'd drive back.
He gave us his number for any emergencies and he left, making sure to horn. I leaned over to the wheel and horned in reply.l, trying not to disturb Zubair.

Then I slumped in my seat relieved, and sighed. I was glad that we didn't need to go through legal procedures.

Thanking Allah once more, I turned towards Zubair. Then he started to breathe hard. He gripped the wheel tightly. I quickly and gently urged his shoulders up and lifted his head.

He was breathing harder now in ragged breaths. He tried to make out some words, "I.......ca...can't.......bre....breathe...........Zai......." He then clutched his heart.

He was having a panic attack! my mind registered. But I knew nothing about it!

I held both of his shoulders and shouted , "Zubair! Breathe! Don't stop halfway, take full breaths!"

He was shaking his head furiously. He looked like he was dying! I was tying to calm myself down and think of all those things I had studied in AP biology. My good for nothing head didn't come up with anything! But I knew if I didn't do anything soon, this could lead to serious problems with Zubair.

I never imagined myself doing this. Never in my life. But I had seldom time to think it over.

I grabbed his shoulders tightly and pulled him towards me. I wrapped my arms around him. I hugged him tight. Then I rubbed my hand over his back slowly , trying to calm him down.
I repeated over and over for him to breathe. Then I recited a string of duas. Then some surahs, still rubbing his back. He was breathing hard. His body was rigid. His hands to the side. Like he was paralyzed. The only movements were his harsh breaths. He was shaking.

I earnestly asked Allah to make this panic attack stop. I knew it was my own fault for not reciting the dua earlier. I had forgotten. So while asking forgiveness from him, I constantly pleaded him to cease this panic attack.

I continued to rub his back, smoothly. He cheeks were grazing mine. I could feel the coldness of his skin.

After a little while his breaths came slowly. They slowed gradually. Finally, he relaxed his body and he rested his head on my shoulder. I muttered under my breath that it was okay and soon we would reach home. I tried to calm him down by reminding him of everyone back home. I reminded him that we needed to leave,  so that nobody would worry. I made him remember all of his close people I knew, and said that they would be worried. When I mentioned his mom, he froze.

Then he pulled away, and looked at me. His blue eyes met my green ones. His blue orbs pierced mine. A shiver ran down my spine. Then he looked behind me. Not exactly behind, but faraway. He wandered off to a distant memory, perhaps. I couldn't tell. I was still holding his shoulders. His hands were to his sides.

Then his eyes glazed over. A tear ran down his left cheek. He broke away from his faraway look, and directed his at me again. His deep set blue eyes were so grief ridden. They had such a deep sadness to it, that I didn't know that how could it even be possible. It was like his emotions in the eyes made me feel that sadness. It was almost tangible. I didn't know what to do. Was he crying?

And he slumped on me.

I was shocked to say the least. What happened to him? Panic attack is one thing. Tearing up is another thing. He never cried, before!  And that sadness that took over his features. He hadn't ever been like that. No. Actually, I had never seen such a person.

And he slumped on me like a lifeless body. What was the thing he is feeling down for? To make him cry?

I didn't have time to recover from my initial surprise.

Because he raised his hands from his side and wound them around my waist.

My insides turned and became mushy. Around millions of butterflies wrecked havoc in my stomach. My heart didn't gallop anymore, it beat in the speed of light. So fast, that I could no more feel it.

His cheeks graZed mine, before he placed it near my neck, the only screen in between, was the fabric of the shawl, which I had wrapped loosely. The warm feeling seeped into my shawl and into me.

He tightened his grasp on my waist. Not so tightly to hurt me. But tight enough for me to hold him even tighter. My side was in pain earlier.  NOw that pain was no more. But I burned under his touch.

He held onto me like I was his only life force, keeping him intact. I felt that if I didn't hold onto him he might shatter into tiny shreds of glass and forever be lost within and hurt.

Then he shook against me. He sobbed. He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He shook so violently that I panicked as to if his attack had returned again. He cried so hard. He let his heart out, crying. He sobbed quietly.

It was the first time he had ever cried in front of me. I never thought that he was capable of crying. I always thought that his cold demeanor had frozen his tear ducts. He was such a different person, then.

Now? He has changed. Rather, I am seeing a different side of his.

Him holding onto me so tightly and crying against me, his nemesis, who he always despised, made me tear up. What made him to be in a state like this? Surely, if he was on his right mind , he wouldn't be doing this.

A silent tear rolled off my cheeks.

And I realized, even he was human. Even he had feelings. I should have never acted like how I had acted that day, few years ago. And I cried silently, asking forgiveness from Allah.

He had calmed me yesterday night. And I wanted to repay him back by calming him, tonight.

After what seemed like hours, his body relaxed against mine. And I felt his slow and deep breaths. He had his head towards my neck. My hijab was askew. His breaths against my hijab were soft and warm. And those feelings in my stomach, my galloping heart, all returned at once.

I stayed like that for a long while. Then I decided that it was time to go back home.

I woke him up and told him to change seats. As soon as he got on to his new seat, he rested his head on the seat and slept.

I sighed contentedly and focused on driving carefully. Then a pain shot through my head. I guess the wound in the side of my head, decided to torture me. I ignored the throbbing pain in my head, and focused on driving.

***
Jazakallah! Thanks everybody for reading! This is my longest chapter yet, with 4198 words. Hope you all had a good chapter. Pls tell me my mistakes and flaws, so I can corrrect myself, because I am still an amateur writer!

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