October 24
Toronto, Ontario

"Come on, Pruitt. Push through. I've seen the theatre club perform better in P.E. than you're doing here. Focus. You too, Rhodes. Stop gawking at him like you're trying to work up the courage to ask him to prom. Give me another fifty."

Coach's rough, barking voice bites at my rapidly deteriorating mood as I grind through the workout he's pushing us all through before we hit the ice to run drills.

My stomach clenches angrily, a result of the poison I've been pouring down my throat most nights. I can't even remember if I ate anything today, and the fact that it seizes and clutches painfully every time I move is probably a good indication that I haven't.

I'm running on fumes, quite literally. The scent of alcohol is probably clear to everyone as sweat drips from my skin.

Hud eventually shoves himself up from the ground after finishing the third, and very sadistic, set of burpees coach has added into the routine.

"I think I might puke if he makes me do another set."

Hud's panting voice and dry, heaving gasps distract me momentarily as my stomach roils against the sound and my elbow buckles with exhaustion setting in. Before the weights can crash down on my chest, his fist grabs the bar, steadying it.

"Shit, you okay?"

"I'm fine. Go heave somewhere else before you make me puke."

He rolls his eyes at me as I settle back in for another set. "You're going to puke regardless by the time Coach is done with us. He knows you're hungover. It's why he's pushing us all so hard. Show up sober and ready next time. And spend some time with the new kids, especially Wes, Captain."

I can't help but notice the edge in his voice as he calls me captain. It's no secret he doesn't think I deserve the position. He's right. I don't. But he's the only player on the team who will dare get in my way. Everyone else looks at me like I'll eat them alive.

It's why Coach named him co-captain. We're like yin and yang. Light and dark. Good and evil.

He turns his back on me, signalling for another spotter to keep an eye out.

As I continue to grind through the bench presses, counting slowly and trying to stay focused, I notice Hud hovering around Wes and Lo. I watch him demonstrate the different exercises to the kids.

Was I ever that young? I try to remember back to grade nine, and I shake my head.

I'd been their size once, sure. But I'd never been that young. Not with Hugh and his damned expectations.

Well, jokes on all of us now. I'd never been good enough for him, and now, he had his reason why. I wasn't good enough because I wasn't his.

I let the weights down, angling back a little to make sure they come down on the rail, then I step off the bench.

Immediately, Coach finds me, leaving me no room to rest.

"Hit the field. Suicides until I call quits, Pruitt. Everyone else hit the ice. Rhodes is in charge."

I groan inwardly, fuck, fuck, fuck. Coach is going to run me until I puke.

An awkward voice chimes in before I leave the gym. "Coach, wouldn't you like to have a look at the recruits? With the trials and cuts coming up, I think we all want to show you what we're made of. No offence to Hud, but he's not exactly unbiased. Logan and I are practically his brothers. It wouldn't be fair if only he's evaluating everyone."

Hud bites back a grin and claps Wes on the shoulder. "He's not wrong, Coach. Of course, I'd try to be objective, but I've been playing with these rookies for years. We'd better get another set of eyes out on the ice."

Coach glares at Lo, Hud, and Wes then turns to me with a snarl.

"Rhodes, drill your co-captain outside, then. You're in charge. Thirty-meter sprints, ten seconds rest, three-way hurdles, ten seconds rest, then dumbbell verticals, ten seconds rest. Do them in sets. Don't stop until I come out to tell you you're done."

Wes cringes, then looks at me with a sympathetic look in his eyes. Grey-blue eyes, just like his sister's, only they're missing the copper flecks that dance like stars.

Well, at least Coach won't see me puke.

Rather than thank the kid for his intervention like I know I should, I walk straight out the doors to the field, grabbing a Powerade from the cooler on the way out.

Even little Montgomery seems to have a saviour complex. Should've known. It seems to run in their family.

Seeing Wes daily now that he and Lo are in high school has been a constant reminder of Elle.

His features are so similar to hers, but the resemblance is disappearing as he outgrows the peter-pan boyish charm that's clung to him for so long.

Thoughts of her swarm my mind as I stretch on the side of the field. How I wish I could go back to the summer, before everything. How I wish I could forget everything that was between us, so the memories would stop torturing me.

How I wish I could turn to her now. How I wish she would just walk away, once and for all. The temptation she dangles in front of me by holding on so tightly might be the end of me.

I shake those thoughts away, reminding myself that I'm a train wreck waiting to happen, and there was no way I'd let myself crash with her on the rails with me.

Plummeting grades, kicked off my junior team, scholarship prospects hanging on by a thread. Not to mention the shit the therapist mom sent me to piled on me. Avoidance issues, dissociative emotional state, anger issues, communication issues, authority issues, you name it, she threw it at me to 'work on' for the next session I never showed up for.

Eventually, Elle has to give up. She can't hold on forever. I won't let her.

"Let's get this shit done, Grey. I don't want to be here all night. If we aren't hurting enough by the time Coach gets here, he'll keep us here. Ornery bastard that he is."

"He won't make you stay, golden boy."

Hud shoves me into forward momentum, and I toe up to the white painted lines on the side of the field.

"I'll go as long as you do, G. We're in this shit together." The steel whistle in his mouth muffles his gravelly voice. "On me."

The sharp whistle spurs us both into action, and we run the sprint like the hounds of hell are chasing us. They might as well be, sometimes we think Coach is the devil himself. He sure is creative enough with his forms of torture and drilling.

With every sprint we run, my stomach cramps harder, and dizziness threatens to take me to my knees.

After the third set of sprints, we finally take a break before switching to jumps, and Hudson digs through his gym bag to hand me a protein shake and banana.

"You need this more than I do, I think. You're looking a bit green, man."

The thought of food makes my stomach churn violently, so I grab the shake, hoping I'll have a better chance of it staying down. Plus, who doesn't like a chocolate shake?

I nod at him in thanks, then take a few tentative sips.

Knowing better than to chug the shake before continuing with the drills, I force myself to set it down after the first quarter, then let my stomach settle as I stretch on the sidelines while Hud lines up the three-way hurdles.

The first fifty minutes fly by before we finally hear Coach's voice as he joins us.

Hud is bent double, his elbows resting on his thighs, as he tries to catch his breath, and I'm braced against the bleachers with my arms over my head, trying to relieve the stitching cramps between my ribs.

"Another set of all three exercises, on my mark. Rhodes, hit the bench."

His no-nonsense command pushes Hud upright, and my friend drags me to the white line with him.

"If it's all the same to you, Coach, I'll keep going. Could use the workout. Had a monster burger at lunch I'm happy to work off."

Coach throws Hud his signature glower but nods. "Your funeral, Rhodes."

We're off with the whistle, and the breath wheezes out of my tired, abused lungs. Out of the corner of my eye, where white and black dots are starting to dance wildly, I see Lo and Wes make their way across the field.

As we finish the final set of vertical dumbbell jumps, I drop to one knee, panting. Coach only gives us a thirty-second reprieve before he barks, "Again."

This time, it's not only Hud who toes up to the white line with me but Wes and Lo, too.

"Sit down, rookies."

This time, Lo speaks up. "Thanks, Coach, but no. We're here to learn, and we're here to train with our captains."

Coach rolls his eyes at them and blows the whistle.

Hud practically drags me through the sprint before I pull my shit together for the remaining two drills.

Coach runs us another five times before I finally collapse to the turf, vomiting the shake I'd consumed earlier on my hands and knees. Acid coats my throat and mouth as I wretch violently until there's nothing left in my stomach but air.

"Hit the showers, boys. Pruitt, a word."

Hud shoves Wes and Lo ahead of him, telling them to go, then turns back to stand next to me.

"Beat it, Rhodes."

"Sorry, Coach, Grey and I are partners this year, like you said. Whatever you say to him, you can say to me, and vice versa. Whatever he has to do, I'll do it with him."

Loyal piece of shit. Stubborn idiot.

But, I let him pull me up to my feet as we stand in front of Coach. I can't help but feel a little grateful for his support. The lights dancing at the side of my vision tell me I'm likely to pass out if I don't get fluids or food soon. But the thought of food makes me wish I had something left in my stomach to get rid of.

"Show up less than ready to perform again, Pruitt, and I'll have the entire team put through the wringer with you, and I won't stop till every one of you drops. Miss a practice again, and I'll bench the whole team. Skip classes again, and we'll be doing this again real soon. Clear?"

I nod, then walk to where I left my Powerade.

Coach grabs my bicep hard, pulling me around to face him. "Sorry, Pruitt, I didn't quite catch that. Are we clear? Or do you already need to hit the field again for a reminder?"

I grit my teeth against the flood of anger that revives me. "Clear, Coach." I force out from my clenched jaw.

He stares hard at me, not letting go for a long moment, then steps back, turns around, and walks back into the school.

With no one left to judge me, I drop to the ground and close my eyes. My heart continues to jackhammer in my chest, and my lungs continue to burn and constrict painfully. My muscles spasm twitchily, jumping like they're being zapped with electricity.

When Hud drops down onto his back beside me, I close my eyes, waiting for him to share his disappointment with me, too.

"Lo and Wes sure surprised me tonight."

I grunt at him, then scowl a little. He should nip that in the bud. "Tell them to stay out of it. They don't need a target on their backs from Coach for the next four years."

"I think they just want to show their support how they can, G. Let them. It's not like you're Mr. Approachable right now, so this is their way of telling you they've got your back. Plus, when have you ever known coach to punish someone for sticking with their team?"

We lie there in silence for what feels like a long time, and eventually, my system returns to a more even keel. Sure, I'm likely to feel this workout for the next week, but I no longer feel like I'm going to puke or pass out.

I itch to ask about Elle, but I don't. I can't open that door, not with Hud.

"You heard from her?"

I close my eyes against the quiet question, and for a moment, when I don't answer, I think he's going to let it go. Instead, he nudges me with his elbow. "G?"

I nod, "She calls, I don't answer. I saw her on the weekend, but it's a bit fuzzy after we left."

"She misses you. She needs you, man."

That's where he's wrong. "No, she doesn't. She'll see soon enough that she's better off without me."

"Why do you think that? You've been part of her life since she was born. Same as me. She's always happier when we're all together. When you leave us, well, more when you leave her, it's not just the new stuff you're pushing away, but all those years of being her friend, first."

"We can never be just friends again, Hud. That ship sailed, and it's all her fault. She should never have asked me to kiss her that night. She should never have asked me to change our relationship. And now, it's all I can do to stay away from her, so I don't drag her down with me. You should have seen her this weekend. She chugged bourbon straight from the bottle to prove a point. I'm toxic for her, and the faster she gets that, the faster she can move on."

"Everyone is talking shit about her at the schools. They're saying that she's sleeping with you, Theo, and me, too. That you and Theo like to share her, that she and I are together behind Jules' back. It's pretty nasty shit. Some girls are saying she lied about the relationship the two of you had altogether. You can probably thank Chiara for that one. At first, it was just at Beaton and Briar, but now, it's here, too, and I'm sure the Regan guys hear this shit, too. Depending on who you talk to, she's either the whore of Beaton or a frigid virgin who lies about her love life."

Rage flares up inside me, alongside the sharp snap of desire to protect her, but I push both emotions back down. "She'll be fine with you and Theo looking out for her. She doesn't need me."

"You could stop the rumours. You know you could. Easier than Theo or I can. If you cared about her, you would do something. "

I shove up to my feet, then shoulder my duffel bag before looking down at him. I don't want to be manipulated or pushed to give a shit about anything. His poking and prodding bring that reminder to the forefront of my mind."That's your mistake, Hud, assuming I care about anything or anyone. I could stop the rumours, but I just don't care. You deal with it. I can't get involved."

"Won't get involved, you mean. You're a piece of shit, Grey. You know that, right? I might just hate you for what you're doing to her. She won't let go, and you know she won't. And still, you won't save her like she's tried— well, trying at least, to save you."

Oh yeah, I know I'm a piece of shit. I hate myself enough for both of us, buddy. The problem is, I just don't care. You can't hold on to someone who doesn't care to hold on in return. It will only take time.

"I'm not worth saving, and she should learn that sooner rather than later."

As I walk into the rapidly darkening night, I slide my headphones on, then turn in the direction of our house, wondering vaguely if anyone will even be home and realizing I don't actually care.

My only consolation against the solitude and guilt churning inside me tonight is that I'm so exhausted, I probably won't even dream of her. So, at least I won't feel my piece of shit heart break when I wake up in the morning like I've done every day since Thanksgiving, realizing all those soft moments were only figments of my dreams.

I push the lingering guilt and anger over leaving Hud and Elle to deal with everything alone down mercilessly, reminding myself why I'm better off alone, why people you love are a liability, why I'm a liability to the people who love me— if there are even any left.

The best part about pushing everyone away is that you have no one left to lose. And that's the way I want it.

- - -

I was on a roll this week, so I decided to do a bonus update! Hope you're enjoying the story so far!
Would love to hear what you think in the comments.

The next few chapters will be in Elle's POV, then maybe a shared POV chapter soon! I'm still early on enough in the writing that I'm planning as I go!

So, stay tuned!

Xx Toria