October 30

Toronto, Ontario

I jolt awake when a heavy arm crashes down over my stomach, and I gasp for air as my breath whooshes out of me.

2I always forget that sleeping next to to Theo was a contact sport—I'll be black and blue from the feel of it. Now, as I struggle out from under his arm, I'm acutely reminded why I normally sleep with Hudson.

Tonight, however? I'm currently smooshed between the two of them in Hudson's queen-sized bed.

Perspiration coats my skin and my hair sticks just a little to my neck and shoulders. Serves me right for sharing a bed with my two human furnaces. But I'd simply wanted their comfort last night.

It felt like we were ten again, camping in the field, or piling into one of the big guest beds at the cottage for a sleepover. There was something comforting and magical about those feelings, those memories.

But, as comforting as it had been to fall asleep sandwiched between them, I regret not sliding out during the night. It had been colder then, though, and their warmth had wrapped me up in a happy, cozy dreamland.

Not to mention their combined reassurance over the absolute disaster of a night had been beyond comforting.

Scooching up slightly in the bed, I check to see if Theo's thrashing will wake him or Hudson up. When neither of them stirs, I stare at the ceiling, my mind racing over the events of last night for the hundredth time.

Every time seems to get worse as I relive the night.

The entire taxi ride to Hudson's, I'd been an anxious mess trying to convince Hudson to go talk to Jules. But he'd been firm on his point. She'd made him choose and he chose me.

Theo backed him up completely, agreeing without hesitation that any partner who asks you to pick between your family, and friends or their love would have to hit the road.

While I'd found the sentiments comforting, I'd been riddled with guilt and stress over it. I'd never wanted to be the wedge between them. I'd always tried to support them both.

I could try to go back to sleep, or just close my eyes and sink into the warm, teenage boy burrito and hide from my problems all day, but I know they'll only catch up with me later.

Refusing to let myself go back down the spiral of doubt, rethinking my actions, anxiety, and regret, I bundle my tangled hair into the discarded scrunchie by my pillow.

What I want and what I need are very different things. While I might want to stay in this cocoon of soft, warm bodies, blankets, and denial, what I need is a shower. I hadn't even washed my face last night.

The second we'd gotten home, Hudson cut the back of my costume open then left me to change into a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt before he and Theo eventually piled into bed with me.

For the first night in over a week, I'd slept like through the night.

Hudson's light snores tickle my wrist, so I slide my arm as slowly as I can from underneath his cheek to grab Theo's wrist— the one currently flung across my body and glance at his watch. A little after seven.

I try to wiggle up the bed a little further to reach my phone and check for messages, and maybe think about escaping to the washroom, but Hudson's leg shifts, pinning me to the mattress.

"Stop squirming, Ellie. Go back to sleep." His sleepy, raspy voice makes me smile and I let him pull me back down the bed again, resting my cheek momentarily on the arm he slides under my head.

"I have to pee."

He yawns, then cuddles his face into my back with a groan. "You always have to pee."

I wiggle in his arms impatiently until he rolls me over on top of him, letting me slide off the side of the side of bed. Theo immediately follows the heat, his arm flopping over Hudson's back heavily as he attempts to cuddle closer.

"Please tell me you're coming back to bed? I don't want to eat at the crack of dawn. And I don't want to be Theo's little spoon." As he mumbles into his pillow, Hudson elbows Theo back to his side of the bed, then pushes the blankets down to his hips and flips onto his back, ready to tumble back to sleep.

At the mention of breakfast, my stomach growls and I smile when his eyes pop open and he grins up at me and rolls his eyes. Typical. I'm always ready to eat as soon as I wake up.

I only shrug, then before he can grab me again, I race to his bathroom and close myself in, locking the door. Catching sight of my wild, smudged, slightly sweaty hair and skin, I decide a shower is definitely in order.

Forty minutes later, I finally let myself out of Hudson's bathroom wrapped in a fluffy towel. Fortunately for my skin, Brooke has excellent taste in skincare products for her son. Not that any of them were opened before today, but I felt human again— Even if I did smell like a boy thanks to Hudson's deodorant. Luckily, I hadn't had to resort to using his toothbrush, since there were mercifully spare ones in his vanity.

Digging through Hudson's dresser, I pull out a clean pair of boxer briefs and a thick, cozy pair of tube socks, then drag an old sweatshirt of his over my head. Climbing back onto the bed, I lie down across the mattress and flip my wet hair back across Hudson's chest before tossing my legs over Theo's torso to wake them up.

A chorus of groans greets me as I'm yanked into a tangle of arms, legs, sheets, and duvet.

"You are so lucky you're our favourite, Ells Bells." Theo grunts as my elbow bumps his hip when he pulls me over to his side of the bed, leaving Hudson to untangle my legs from the mass of twisted blankets.

"I know. You're my favourites, too." I bite back a giggle, knowing just how much I get away with between Theo and Hudson, that they'd never let anyone else even think about doing.

Now that they were awake, I settle down between the boys to wait for them to get up at their own pace. I'd just needed to get things moving a little, otherwise a girl's likely to starve around here before they drag their butts out of bed.

When Hudson reaches over to his nightstand to check his phone, I wait, wondering if Jules' texted. He frowns at his the screen, then kicks the covers off the bed and looks over his shoulder.

"I'll be back in a bit. Don't eat without me."

I turn to Theo, fully intending to get the conversation started about breakfast, hoping to inspire him to hunger.

"Hold that thought, Ells. I need to take a leak."

Impatiently, I dig through Hudson's things looking for a hairbrush to detangle my damp, matted hair as best I can. As well stocked as his bathroom was, I hadn't lucked out with conditioner. It was a typical boy's shower— two-in-one for speed and convenience.

The closest I manage to come is a thin comb, so I sit cross legged on the bed and start working my way from the bottom up, dragging at the knots.

When Theo crawls back into bed, he pats the space in front of his spread legs, indicating for me to scooch back.

"Let me, you'll be bald by breakfast if you keep that up."

I hand him the comb and slide backwards, bumping into him before crossing my legs.

He patiently works through the long tangles, alternating between using his fingers, then the comb. For a while, we sit silently and I close my eyes, letting his actions comfort me and wrap me in a soft cocoon of friendship.

"You know I'm here if you want to talk about...stuff, Elle. You don't always have to lean on Hud."

I jump a little, having been lulled by the quiet, soothing rhythm into a daze. I glance back at Theo, but he repositions my head to look forward as he continues brushing out the knots.

"Did he say something to you? Is he stressed about all of this? I know he's already dealing with Grey on the hockey team and trying to keep him on track there, but is all of this too much for him too?"

I chew on my thumb worriedly and Theo smacks my hand away from my lips before giving me a hard, but playful shake. "That's not what I meant and you know it. Stop being such a stress nugget. We'd tell you if we felt that way, you know that."

His hands run through my tangle-free hair once more before he squeezes my shoulders gently. "I just mean that all this shit is more than one or two people can deal with and I'm here."

"I know you are Theo. You've been there more than anyone with Grey. I also know that it's my choice to hold on that's making everything so hard. I feel so awful to put everyone through this insane rollercoaster, but I can't let go. I won't."

Theo sets the comb aside, along with an alarming amount of my shed hair, then pulls me back against his chest for a hug. "I don't think you should let go, Ellie. If it were me going through what he is, I'd want someone to hold on. I think I understand him a bit better than the rest of you. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because even though I have you and Hud, I've been alone more than any of you. I'm used to being alone. I think Grey thinks he wants to be alone, that he'll be better off that way, but he's never really been alone before. I think he's struggling with the reality of cutting himself off from everyone after everything kind of blew out from under him over the holiday."

I curl closer into Theo and rest my cheek on his chest, thinking about what he had to say, Logically, it made sense. I just didn't really know what to do about it.

"What do you do when you don't want to be alone?"

His cheek lifts against my temple when he smiles, and the humour in his voice lifts my spirits. "I come hang with you. You're so clingy and affectionate I've normally hit my quota for human contact after a few hours."

I dig my elbow into this ribs and give him a few wiggling pokes which has him squirming with laughter as he tries to put some distance between us and dodge my elbow.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Honestly? Normally, I binge hookup then hang with you and Hudson. Not sure my way is any healthier, but at least I won't kill my liver."

"Are you telling me I should have sex with Greyson to make him feel better?" I try to make my question seem like a joke, but inside, I'm anxiously waiting for his answer. As much as I love Greyson, I'm not sure I'm ready to throw myself at him completely and risk being rejected again. Not for something so important, not for something that would make me so vulnerable to his answer.

Theo pulls back and turns to look down at me with a frown. "No, jeeze. Seriously, Elle. That should be something special for you. That's not what I meant. Shit, I guess I'm not really any good at this. It's just something that distracts me and makes me feel better until it doesn't. It's a bit like that with drinking for Grey, I think. We need to find another outlet that makes him feel good."

I squeeze his arm to reassure him, then settle back against him, starting out to the window overlooking the street.

"At least you talk to me about all of this. Can I ask you something? I've been thinking about it a lot, but I haven't made up my mind yet."

"Sure, shoot."

"Hypothetically speaking, if someone you loved was having a hard time—"

Theo's rumbling chuckle interrupts my thought and he shakes his head. "I know who this is about, Ellie. Don't even bother pretending."

I sigh, then continue with a small shrug. "Just humour me. If they were having a hard time and you know they had important deadlines coming up that would affect their future, would you step in to help them? Would you do anything you could to help them stay on track?"

I wait for his answer, then turn to face him when he stays silent. "Theo?"

He scrubs his hands over his face, then reaches under the bed for an old back pack.

"Hudson and I were planning on telling you today because we need your help, but here. I think I already know what you're going to ask. We grabbed all of this on Wednesday when we realized he hadn't picked any of it up from the guidance counsellor."

I grab the bag and unzip it cautiously, wondering what I'll find inside. When I tip the contents out onto the bed, relief floods me.

Dozens of college admissions booklets from the schools Greyson listed as his top choices at the end of Junior year stare back up at me. On top of the pile was his application dossier from the school and the log in information for the application system.

"Have you talked to Greyson about any of this?"

Before Theo can answer, Hudson walks back into the room and I force myself to put everything infront of me back down on the floor and push it to the back of my mind so I can turn my attention to him.

Even with my mind racing ahead a thousand steps ahead over the stacks of paperwork, I need to know Hudson is okay, too.

"Are you okay? Was that Jules? Is she okay?"

Hudson flops down onto the bed beside us, then rolls to rest his head on my lap. "I hate women. Present company excluded. You might be the only reasonable one left. Can we look into cloning you?"

Theo snorts, then pats Hudson's shoulder in sympathy. "Elle's not always reasonable, we've just gotten used to her. We'll take that as a no, then."

I elbow Theo at the exact same time Hudson mutters, "Shut up, T."

The three of us start to laugh as our habitual bickering takes over for a moment, but I know Hudson. I'm the first one to regain my composure, so I nudge him, "You want to talk about it? Is there anything we can do?"

He only shrugs. "Can you travel back in time and hit me over the head with a fire extinguisher on Canada Day? This whole thing never should have happened. I'm sorry if I've made things harder for you, Ellie."

I squish his cheeks between my palms and lean down to kiss his forehead, then blow a raspberry on his cheek, which makes him roll his eyes, even as he smiles.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Hudson. You could never do anything I wouldn't forgive. That goes for both of you. You stop worrying. I'll work it out with Jules, it will be fine."

At least I hope it would be fine, but that was for me to worry about, not him. Tomorrow would be soon enough to try to talk, and apologize, to Jules.

I don't push him for more information again, knowing Hudson will open up if he want's to, but only when he's ready and not a second sooner.

So, rather than start the day focusing on our problems, I decide we deserve a slightly extended break, considering last night was a complete disaster.

"So, who wants make breakfast with me? I'll let you fight over who gets to make waffles with me—loser takes clean-up. Unless you can con Logan into it." I leap off the bed, then look over my shoulder as I race to the kitchen, pleased when I see the boys scrambling to follow. Their heated debate over who cleaned up last time makes me smile as I race down the stairs.

When I slide over the tiles into the kitchen, Brooke and Geordie look up from their morning coffee, smiling easily at my disheveled appearance.

When Theo and Hudson crash through the doorway behind me, nearly knocking me over, I flail, then hop to catch my balance, stubbing my toe on the corner of the cabinet.

"Be careful, boys, Elle's not as solid as the two of you. We don't want to end up in the ER before noon on a Sunday."

I grin, happy to have Brooke's gentle, if sarcastic reminder, even as I grab my throbbing foot in one hand. Both boys grimace, apologizing at the exact same time.

"Sorry, Ellie." 

Brooke winks at me, then sips her coffee before waving us off. "Help yourself to some breakfast, or feel free to whip something else up if you're in the mood." Her eyes twinkle happily before she turns back to her husband.

I start to laugh almost immediately when he mutters under his breath at our chaotic entrance. "And here I thought you had to run away to join a circus. Turns out, all you need to so do is have kids at the same time as your friends."

- - -

So I've decided I'm not going to worry too much right now about getting everything perfect in my planning, outlining, and editing. I think (for me) it's more important to get a working draft out! 

That being said, please feel free to share feedback or comments if you like something or think something is missing! 

In these chapters, I'm trying to strike the balance between the lives each of the friends lives, and how they all rely on eachother. How they are one another's support systems. 

Grey has forgotten that a bit, but I'm hoping to bring him back on track a bit later in the book! I think we all know a little tough love is coming from his sister soon to help set him back on the right path ;) 

Stay tuned! 

Xx Toria