October 30
Toronto, Ontario

Avoiding Elle for the rest of the evening was easier than I could have hoped for. So, as a result, was keeping Max and Chiara away from her since they've been set on torturing me about it for the past hour.

If I had to listen to Chiara rehash the hateful shit she's been spewing all evening again, I might just strangle her.

Not that I'd actually ever hurt a girl, but it was still soothing to the foul mood I warped myself into to imagine it.

I hadn't been entirely truthful with Hud the other night at practice. I'd told him I didn't care about the gossip; I'd let him think I had no intention of doing anything about it. At the time, I hadn't really.

But the more I heard, the more I knew that was a lie.

It was becoming more apparent to me that I'd have to say something eventually. I just had to figure out how to do it that wouldn't make Elle a bigger target or make everything worse.

Max and Chiara were more toxic than ever before— and it was nearly out of control. How many people would be affected by her reign of terror as the proverbial Queen B?

It was getting to the point where I could barely stand to be around them. Each year, it seemed to happen sooner.

Luckily, they'd gone to smoke another J, leaving me in peace on the quiet back deck. Only the soft thumping sound of a distant base kept me connected to the scene inside.

Things with Elle had me beyond tangled up. There was no denying I'd been an ass tonight. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Not with her, not with anything.

It was almost like there were two conflicting parts of me—the part that knew I was a fucking mess, that wants to be left to wallow in my misery so I didn't have to emotionally invest in anyone or anything ever again and the part that wanted to grab onto Elle and use her as my lifeline for as long as she'll let me.

That part of me wants her to fix me. That part of me thinks she can.

The other part of me, as miserable as it is, knows there's an equal chance I'd ruin her. That part of me still has some pride left. That part of me is waiting to see if I can fix myself.

No matter how I look at it, though, both parts of me want to be with her, I just can't tell if it's for the right reasons.

When Elle and I were alone, it was easy to forget why I should push her away. She didn't seem so fragile when we were alone; she didn't seem so perfect— not when she was pushing me, tempting me the way she had.

When we were alone, she was every fantasy I'd ever had come to life, and it scared and excited me in equal parts.

But, when I see her next to Hudson and Theo, all I can see is how small she is, how delicate she is. How giving she is. It becomes so clear that I might be the one to take everything from her, and I'm not sure I have anything to give in return.

Guilt churns heavily in my stomach over the way I treated her tonight.

Her words play over and over in my mind like a punishing tape stuck on the same track. Simultaneously tempting me and racking me with regret.

'You said you don't want to love me, so don't. I'm still here; I'm still yours. What I want to know is: are you still mine?'

'Don't say I didn't warn you, Elle. You might not like what you get. Promise me you won't regret this. Promise me this is what you want. Promise me.'

'I promise.'

Fuck! I'd ruined weeks of self-restraint when I'd let go of all the need for her boiling inside me.

But she hadn't even flinched under my black mood.

'I promise.'

With that promise, all kinds of thoughts came to my head.

Thoughts that are better off pushed deep down into the secret parts of me that know better.

Once, Ry asked me why I thought I was better suited to decide what was best for us, for her.

I hadn't known it at the time, but I knew it now. Because I was the only one who knew how dangerous loving me was for someone like Elle.

She deserves someone who isn't a complete mess, someone who knows what a decent, loving family looks like; Someone who can easily reciprocate her feelings in a way that nurtures her instead of draining her. She deserves someone who can give that to her one day.

I just don't think it will be me.

How can it be? My life is completely out of control. One moment my head is above water. The next, I'm drowning. No matter which way I try to go, I have no control. It's all I can do to breathe between the waves of grief and anger. Of loneliness and uncertainty.

It's all I can do to keep the realities of my mangled life at bay. Otherwise, they actually would drown me.

Best friend ripped away from me? Check. Liam brought out the best in me, and I the worst in him. But there was a kind of equilibrium between us. Now, I feel off balance. Lost. Alone.

Absentee mom? Double-check. Sure, she loves me in her own way, and she was around at times. Still, the steady stream of pharmaceuticals in her vanity keeps her floating on some imaginary cloud where her small committee and country club bubble is still perfect, and no one can convince her otherwise. I don't even know where she is more than half the time.

Unknown biological father? That would be the fucking hat trick of disasters. It's driving me nuts that Mom can't or won't tell me who my dad is. How am I supposed to figure out who I am if I don't know the person halfway responsible for my existence?

Add on the pissed off, non-biological father listed on my birth certificate? Quadruple check. Would a biological imperative override the shitty job Hugh did? Or am I doomed to be the kind of man he is? The type of man I've grown to resent despite the sixteen years he gave a shit? Who do I look to for guidance on being a man, an adult?

I have no idea what I'm doing, and shit's getting real, fast.

I don't know who to talk to about college applications other than Coach, but I'm so far in the doghouse, I'm not sure I'll ever find my way back. I don't know who to talk to about financial assistance at school or scholarship potential for Hockey.

So, instead of dealing with any of it, I'm frozen. Partly from fear and partly from the booze I pump into my system to keep it that way.

God knows I can't afford it all on my own, and Hugh's made it clear he won't help me.

All the problems facing me seem to be stacked into this mountain that I know I'll never be able to deal with. A mountain that just keeps growing as the foundations of my life crumble, leaving me sinking deeper and deeper into this pit.

I'll be eighteen in a little over eight weeks and, all of a sudden, I'm realizing just how little I know about the practicalities.

I have no one.

Even the dog is gone. Dad took Piper straight from the cottage to his new condo. It was just something else I hated him for. At least I'd been able to talk to the dog before.

Logically, I know if I don't have anyone, no one else can be taken away from me. Part of me is still relieved by that fact, but a bigger part of me is starting to panic. 

Before, it was always Liam leading the charge. He'd been a leader on the ice and off. Nothing

Flipping my phone between my fingers, I itch to call Tess. Typically, her opinions on my life arrive in the unsolicited variety, but maybe my sister would know what I should do. Half-sister. Fuck.

I flip my phone open and text her quickly.

You awake?

A sense of slightly embarrassed doubt floods through me as soon as I hit send. What kind of guy calls his sister to sort out his problems?

But where do I even start on my own?

Just as I'm about to close my phone and shove the idea of asking for her advice away, the small ping of a new message echoes around me.

Sure am. What's up?

Instead of texting her, which will take days with the stupid too-small keyboard on my flip phone, which always feels like it's one touch away from breaking in my large hands, I hit the number one on my speed dial.

When the first ring starts, I hold my breath without realizing until it whooshes out of me at the sound of her sleepy voice.

"Hey, stranger." Her whisper is barely audible, and I flatten my palm over my ear to block out the faint sounds surrounding me.

"Hey—" Much to my horror, my voice comes out thick and hoarse, and I cringe at the sound.  I clear my throat and try again, "Hey back."

Tess isn't fooled for a second. "Oh, okay. Hang on a sec."

The sound of sheets rustling, another hushed whisper, and a door closing tell me I've interrupted her night. Tension fills me as I imagine her alone in a strange city, with a strange guy.

"You alone? Should I call back later?"

"I am now. Brodie's visiting. No, let's chat. It's been too long."

I immediately relax, relieved she's with Brodie. I don't want to have to worry about her too, so far away.

"Oh yeah? That still a thing? I thought you were going to focus on yourselves for a bit."

"You know us, on-again, off-again, but always something. I think he's it for me. I think it's the same for him. Neither of us ready to admit that, though, so we'll just do what we do."

Is it really so simple for her? For them?

"It doesn't bother you? The uncertainty, I mean?"

Her surprised giggles bubble out, making my lips twitch in an answering smile, as her infectious laugh usually does. "Why should it bother me? I know the end game, I think he does too, so if we have a few detours here and there, as long as we're honest about our feelings, I think we're fine. Not everything needs to be so serious or mapped out, Grey. Sometimes a little fluidity is better than forcing something too soon, or even that just isn't meant to be."

Frowning over her words, I wonder if it's enough to be honest with someone like that and just see what happens? Isn't it better to be in control of the outcome? Isn't it better to know exactly what you're getting into? What's expected of you?

"Anyway, enough about me. Why are you calling in the middle of the night? Is everything okay? How's Mom? You heard from D— Hugh?" Tess fumbles awkwardly over the question, realizing too late that she slipped up.

The momentary reprieve that her laughter brought shrivels to dust inside me, and the familiar tightness of anxiety creeps over my chest, squeezing until I have to force myself to take deep, slow breaths.

Clearing my throat again before I answer this time, I force my tone to stay calm, even, monotone. "Mom's doing her thing like nothing's happened. I haven't seen Hugh since Thanksgiving."

For a moment, the urge to push everything down and hang up is so overwhelming, and I almost follow through. But I know I need to talk to her. I need someone. So, instead of throwing the phone away, I blurt the first thing that rolls to the tip of my tongue out.

"Things aren't great, Tess. I'm not sure what to do. I feel out of control, and it scares me."

"You talked to Ry or Elle?"

Not exactly sure where to start, or how to tell her about the self-conducted isolation roller coaster I've been on for the past four weeks, I remain silent.

She doesn't need any more information than that to understand the situation, not with her mystical big-sister-sees-and-knows-all powers.

"Fly out here, Grey. Leave tomorrow. Shit, no today, I guess—a Sunday flight. I'll get Mom to write a note to the school. You can take a few days with me and still make it back for your game next Friday. Yeah? I can pick you up at the airport. Oh, please come. I miss you so much. We can chill for a few days, then drive to the coast. I'll show you everything you have to look forward to next year, depending on where you end up. Spoiler: there are curly fries every night here."

I can't stop the abrupt, coughing laughter that bursts rustily out of my stomach at her comment. It was hard to believe she remembered the curly fries were my favourite.

Her offer surprises me, but I'm more shocked by my brain's response to the idea. For the first time in a while, a feeling of excitement washes over me. As she continues to chat excitedly in my ear about everything we'll do together, it hits me. Suddenly, I realize what I've been missing.

My sister's desire and excitement to see me don't stem from obligation or an attempt to fix me. It stems from love and her acceptance of whatever mode I'm in.

"Please, Grey? I need my brother, too."

The strange tightness eases from my chest when she projects her classic puppy-eyed pout into her words, and I mentally plan the next few days. For the first time in a while, I don't want to disappoint someone. I don't want to disappoint Tess. 

"Can you book me a ticket? I'll grab a bag then head straight to the airport. Text me the details, okay?" Leaving myself no time to talk myself out of the decision, I stand, leaving the party without so much as a goodbye, walking in the direction of my house.

Tess squeals in excitement, and I hold the phone away from my ear. "I'll book it right now then call mom. See you in a few hours."

For the first time in months, the thought of letting someone else in my life care didn't seem as scary as it had before.

For the first time in months, the thought of letting someone in gave me the tiniest burst of hope.

For the first time in months, I didn't feel as broken, hopeless, or scared.

And so, for the first time in a long time, I don't fight it.

- - -

For some reason, I kept writing, editing, scrapping, re-writing, then editing and re-editing this chapter. Let me know what you think! I'm not sure I'm entirely satisfied with it yet, but I don't want this section to jam me up creatively, because I've got lot's more in store that I'm looking forward to moving on with for the next chapters!

Happy Easter!

Xx Toria