A bleary pair of eyes slowly fluttered open, meeting a creamy white ceiling stretching above. Strips of morning rays were seeping through an open window by the side and a light breeze swayed the hanging rumpled caramel curtains. The smell of disinfectant wafted through Isanna's nostrils, inducing a comforting lull, and the tempting fluff of the bed she was sinking in whispered for her to return to dreamland. She felt the thick duvet under her palms, her groggy state of mind slowly whirring back to reality.

When the gears in her mind clicked into place, memories of the recent operation to retrieve Eren flashed in front of her like a vision. She sat with eyes now wide open, the covers falling down to reveal her bandaged torso. A gush of adrenaline rushed through her as if she was still in the battlefield, and the tension in her muscles by her battle reflexes kicked in.

"Calm down."

A low rumble reached her ears, but she was still too disoriented to recognize whom the voice belonged to, although it sounded familiar. She turned her head to see someone eased on a wooden seat, arms and legs crossed while he regarded the newly awakened patient.

"Levi," Isanna breathed, the stiffness in her shoulders relaxing. She heaved a few easy breaths. "Where.. where's Erwin? Is he okay? His arm was—he—"

"You've been slipping back and forth between sleep and consciousness for the last few days, and the first thing you utter is him ?" Levi clicked his tongue, thin brows furrowing together. "Worry about yourself more, idiot."

His quiet snap was restrained, yet it held enough volume for Isanna to pause and consider his words. She looked down at her own body, finally realizing the wrapped bandages that were slightly constricting her breathing, but not uncomfortable.

She realized something and looked back at him once more. "I was.. out of it for days?"

Levi nodded. "Six days. Doctor said your body's healing well enough, though." He went on to tell her that for the first four days since they returned, she'd been treated back at Trost district before she was moved to a bigger hospital in the downtown city of southern Wall Rose, nearer to their main headquarters.

"And.. Erwin?" she said.

He frowned deeper, and for a split second, Isanna was actually scared to hear his answer.

"After his operation, he went sleeping beauty on us. The guy's still in a coma." Not that he blamed him. Levi could still remember the haunting image he'd seen when Erwin was rushed to the emergency room; skin as porcelain white as a ghost and dried, chapped lips—he wouldn't have been surprised if they announced him dead upon arrival. It was a miracle that he lived.

Isanna clenched her jaw and threw the covers away. She swept her legs across the bed and was about to stand up when she was roughly shoved back down.

"You stay put," Levi growled, not hiding the annoyance in his tone. He had a firm hand on her shoulder, holding her down. "Waiting like a sitting duck at his side won't quicken his recovery. The best you can do right now is heal your own injuries."

"I need to see him."

"Take one step and I'm going to fucking tie you down."

By this point they were glaring at each other, both too obstinate to back down.

"Lie down, Isanna," added Levi. "I don't want you passing out because of another panic attack."

Isanna froze. The memory of her fainting shortly after arriving back at the walls replayed in her mind.

When Levi felt her slowly resettling back on the bed, he released an inaudible sigh and retracted his hand. He returned to his seat. He observed her as the silence slowly crept back into the room.

Levi was among the many people who were aware of her attachment to the blond, and he could only imagine what kind of chaotic shit had went down during their retrieval mission.

"You're strong. Everybody knows that," he said. "But whenever that Eyebrows is involved, you always lose all sense and become a raging bull. Learn to control your emotions."

Isanna tightened her fists, creasing the blanket over her lap inside her palms. As much as it ticked her off how accurate he was, she couldn't retort back.

"I'm not.. like you."

Levi blinked at her soft whisper, so quiet he wouldn't have heard it if not for the serenity inside the room. Her voice was airy, laced with exhaustion and frustration that it trembled and cracked.

Isanna clenched her jaw and lowered her gaze. "I'm not like.. you. I'm not strong enough to stay rational when my fears kick in." She bit her lower lip. "I wish I had a strong mentality like yours, Levi. I wish.."

Her voice cracked. "I wish I was as strong as you. Maybe if I were.. maybe I would have protected him better."

She recognized her greatest weakness. For a long, long time, she was already painfully conscious of it. Her weakness was, and always had been only one person.

"Tch. Give yourself some credit," Levi said. "I know damn well Erwin would have kicked the bucket long ago if you weren't aways hovering above his ass like a mother duckling during expeditions. He just ran out of luck this time, but even then, he should be thankful it was only one arm."

An image of Erwin pushing her off her horse flashed in Isanna's memory.

She balled her fists even tighter, head hung low. "You don't understand—it was because of me that he—!"

Her voice cracked again, and so did her heart.

She wished it had been her instead. She wished it was her arm that had been bitten down. Maybe if she rode a bit farther to his side at that time, maybe if she didn't let the throbbing in her head get in the way, the titan would have gotten her instead. She would have preferred that, and Isanna would have done everything she could in the whole world to switch their places and take the pain he was suffering from—although she knew Erwin would never let her.

Levi watched from his seat, not knowing how to comfort her.

Just then, the door to the room opened, revealing Hanji as heavy footsteps padded in. "Levi—" she paused when her gaze drifted towards Isanna. "Isa.. you're awake."

Isanna scanned Hanji, noting how she didn't seem to be in pain from all the burns anymore.

There was another emotion flashing in Hanji's eyes, and Isanna was quick to notice it. "What's wrong?"

Hanji shifted her eyes towards Levi, the both of them engaging in a silent exchange, and Levi finally realized what was bothering her.

Mike.

A day after Erwin and Isanna were admitted to the hospital in Trost, Levi had finally broken the news to Hanji regarding what had happened to their comrade. Hanji did not take the news of Mike's death well, but luckily Levi had been there to offer consolation, although he hadn't been good at it.

The both of them knew that sooner or later, they would have to break it to Isanna as well. But with everything that had happened, they weren't sure of the extent of the damage should they tell her now.

"What's going on?" Isanna asked, looking back and forth between them. "Is there something I should know?"

Begrudgingly, Hanji teared her eyes from Levi and looked at Isanna, her expression faltering.

"Isa, there's something.. we need to tell you."

"Hanji," Levi said in a warning tone, and Isanna immediately knew something was off when he didn't call her by her usual nickname. "Now is not the time—"

"She needs to know Levi," Hanji interrupted him, a strained edge to her own voice. "She.. Isa has a right to know."

At the gloomy atmosphere collecting inside the room, Isanna noted the heavy expressions both of her friends wore, but she was still at a loss as to why.

When the silence passed, she finally noticed something was absent. Someone was absent. Now that she thought about it, it was strange that the first person she saw after her rest was Levi and not him. It was always him who was the first one to see her.

Hanji swallowed.

"Mike's dead."

Hanji watched with a sinking dread, waiting as the clock ticked by in tense seconds while the news settled inside Isanna. They held each other's gaze, neither side breaking eye contact nor showing any signs of reaction at the news.

Isanna was staring blankly at her, no tears, no twitches in her face, nothing.

She inhaled a sharp breath. "This isn't a funny joke, Hanji."

And there it was.

Isanna's voice was low—threatening, even. But with their current situation, this was no time for sugarcoating. There was no other way to break it to her, and she needed to realize that.

"I'm not kidding, Isa. Mike is dead." Hanji's voice cracked a bit at the end of her statement. "They found his body—"

"No." At first, it was a whisper. Then she repeated it more firmly, "No." Isanna slowly tucked her head down, holding herself and tugging her hair in a frustrated attempt of denial. "No ...!"

"Isa—"

"You're lying," she quipped back, not raising her head. "Mike would never—he would never."

She did not want to believe it. This was Mike they were talking about. It felt impossible for him to suddenly die like that. So out of the blue.

He would never leave like that.

"Get out."

Levi and Hanji looked at each other.

"I said, get out ," Isanna repeated, head still in her hands.

After a few more seconds, she could hear shuffling of footsteps, and the door closed.

She was alone in the room.

•

Late into the night, Isanna snuck out of the hospital.

Her mind had been too numb to process things, but the next thing she realized, she found herself in the main HQ, inside the officers' barracks, and standing in front of Mike's quarters. It was as if her feet guided herself there.

She wasn't sure how many hours had passed while she was holed up in the hospital room. All she remembered was that after Levi and Hanji had left, she'd been staring at the wall. And then later on, when she looked out the window, it was already nighttime.

Now, here she was. Outside Mike's office.

Hanji should be lying. She must have been. Once Isanna was going to push open these oakwood doors, Mike should be on the other side, maybe working on some papers in place of Erwin's temporary absence.

With her heart drumming against her chest in fervent desperation, she shoved the doors open and stepped inside the chilling office.

It was eerily silent.

She slowly padded inside, eyes scanning over the room. On the side was a bookshelf, filled with all sorts of books she recognized were what she'd see Mike reading occasionally. There were also boxes leaning against the wall, holding his belongings. She looked over towards the desk and stalked closer. Even his office desk had a pile of unfinished papers, and there was a pen at the side. The window behind the desk allowed little moonlight to filter through, outlining her shadow on the floorboard.

The office was silent like a ghost, but everything inside felt normal. As if Mike had just gone to the bathroom and was returning any second.

"Mike?"

She waited. Any moment, Mike would pop up and was going to ask her what she was doing inside his office, probably accuse her of doing something funny with his stuff. He'd pat and ruffle her hair like he usually did, and give her that small smile of his that always made him look ten times more handsome.

And she waited. Any moment, he would come waltzing through the doors ranting how he'd been so worried for her because she'd accompanied Erwin to that emergency rescue operation despite her injuries, probably scold her for being so reckless and smother her with a hug like he always did.

She waited. And waited. Because she thought that if she waited long enough, he'd come.

The office was silent like a ghost. As if Mike had just gone to the bathroom and was returning any second.

But he wasn't going to return. Not anymore.

"Meow."

A soft gasp escaped Isanna. Slowly, she craned her neck to her side, lowering her gaze to see a black cat sitting on the floorboard, tilting its furry head to peer at her with his beady, green eyes. His tail wasn't swishing like it usually did, instead, it stayed still on the floor behind it.

Hesitantly, Isanna turned to face the cat, both never tearing their gazes from each other. Her lips quivered, and the longer she stared at the small creature, the more she was coming to terms with the truth.

".. He's gone, Mhile."

The words felt foreign even in her own tongue. It left a bitter aftertaste; now that she herself had said it out loud, it felt more real, and she hated it.

Isanna choked back a sob, a hand over her mouth as she sank to her knees in front of the cat with a soft thump, as if apologizing to it. She clenched the fabric of her clothes that was right above the area of her heart, an overwhelming combination of suffocating pain and emotions overtaking her.

"Mike is gone, Mhile.." she whispered, more so to convince herself than him. "He's.. never coming back..!"

Mhile continued to stare at her. He was a smart cat; she knew that even though he didn't literally understand a word she said, he had an idea of what was happening, and why she was crying in front of him.

A litany of I'm sorry's trailed from her tongue, apologizing over and over and over again.

Isanna never got too close to the other soldiers ever since her first expedition. After being slapped with the harsh reality of the outside world, she didn't want to care for more people, only to get disheartened when they departed.

But even then, the world was still cruel enough to take away from her what little she had left.

Another one, she thought, shutting her eyes as tears began to form at the corner. I lost another one.

Adalaide, Chiara, Adrian..

And now Mike.

She had a lot of questions. How did Mike go? Did anyone see his last moments? Someone.. someone had to see how he went down. She needed to know.

Mike was strong; he was a part of their best soldiers. It was just hard to believe such a strong person—both in physical strength and mental fortitude, would die an early death.

What made his death worse was that Isanna didn't know until days had already passed.

"Why am I so... useless ?"

She held her head and lowered on the ground, not caring how pitiful she looked. With a coarse voice, she let out a gurgle cry of rage and anguish combined, stressing her throat even more.

She rammed her head down on the floorboard with a loud creak, again and again. All she wanted was to vent out and hopefully override the emotional pain by inflicting something physical.

"Come back," Isanna whimpered, her vision going blurry with all the tears as they slowly fell on the floorboard. "Come back.."

There she crouched, mourning for her loss, with only Mhile silently providing her his company.

•

When Isanna came to, she was once again lying on a bed.

She shuffled in her position and instantly felt another presence in the room. Tilting her head, she saw Levi sitting at the side, his back to her; he was quietly petting Mhile, who had curled beside his lap.

"Levi, where are we?" Her voice was coarse and weak, probably because of all the crying she'd done.

"Mike's room," he answered, not bothering to look at her.

"How did—"

"I knew you were heading here," he cut her off. "Fucking idiot. You collapsed on the floor again."

Imagine his frustration when he entered the office, only to see her curled up like ball in front of Mike's desk, with Mhile padding back and forth beside her like he was jittery and worried himself.

The silence passed by, and Isanna moved her gaze to the dusty ceiling of the room.

"And Hanji?"

"Went to investigate something in Ragako village."

"... She's so strong, isn't she?" Isanna managed to croak out. "Even with everything.. she's still out there doing work."

A dry chuckle left her. Isanna always thought that between the both of them, she was more mature than Hanji, and that being the older one meant she should be responsible and take the role of an older sister. Heck, she was even older than Levi by a few months, but even then, she felt as if it was the other way around because she was the one being taken care of.

"If you see Hanji, tell her I'm sorry for snapping at her," she mumbled, barely louder than a whisper.

There was a brief pause before he said, "She doesn't blame you. She never would."

Silence.

"Were you.. there? Did.. did anyone see his last moments?"

Levi felt a heavy lump in his throat and knew this was an all-too familiar feeling. It had been there when he lost Farlan and Isabel. It had also been there when he lost his squad.

"No," he quietly replied, his hand that had been petting Mhile subconsciously stiffening. "Nobody did."

They were both wondering the same thing. How did Mike die? What did he feel? Did he resent them for not being there with him?

No matter how deep they were going to ponder about it, nobody was there to give them an answer. They could only imagine the fear and loneliness their old friend had undergone at the brink of death.

"I miss him."

Her broken tone made Levi feel even worse; he couldn't bring himself to turn and look at her, but he knew she was crying. Even though they didn't know each other as long as Isanna and Erwin did, he treasured Mike equally—although he was never vocal about it. He always treasured his comrades deeply.

"I know." Me too.

"This world.. fucking sucks."

"I know."

Isanna rested an arm over her eyes, obstructing her view as she felt the warm liquid trickle down the side of her eyes once more.

She bit her lip in an attempt to stop it from trembling. "I feel like.. everyone is slowly leaving me behind one by one. And it scares me to think about who the next one could be, Levi."

Fear. It scared her as she wondered who the next victim of death was going to be. Was it going to be Levi? Or Hanji? Was it going to be Erwin next? Or maybe the heavens would take pity on her and spare her the chance from feeling this sense of loss again—maybe she was next in this impending death row.

Levi had stopped petting Mhile and moved his elbows so that they now rested on his knees, his posture slumped forward as Isanna's hiccups and sniffs replaced the silence in the room. He was never an expert when it came to comforting people, and he was not planning on becoming one any time soon.

When he heard shuffling sounds and the bed creaking and shifting, followed by a warm presence being buried behind his back along with arms being wrapped around him, he visibly stiffened.

"Can I hug you?"

"You already are."

He felt her tighten her hold around him, but he didn't push her away, knowing how much she—the both of them needed it. They needed that sense of comfort, even for a little while. Because they knew that after this, they were expected to steel themselves as soldiers again. That was their reality, and with one of their best soldiers now gone, they were the only ones who had each other's backs in the battlefield now.

Her tears were probably already dampening the back of his shirt, but for a rare instance, Levi was not disgusted.

Tightening his jaw, he gently squeezed her arm; it was a small gesture, but it was enough to tell her that even with their loss, she was not alone.

She was never alone.