I couldn't sleep. No matter how much I tossed and turned I just couldn't sleep.

I rolled over to the edge of the bed to see that Elliot was still asleep on the floor. Slowly, I got out of bed, grabbed a change of clothes and snuck out of the room. I got dressed in the bathroom and then left the house.

It was early morning. The air was cool and the moon and stars were still out, albeit fading slowly. It was when I was looking up at the stars that I started crying again, thinking of Serena and Ally and Faizah. I remembered the night we tried to spot images and shapes in the stars. And I remembered the night we ran away from a barman because we had already ordered several drinks but somehow we had all forgotten our wallets. Faizah dragged us back to that same bar the next day to pay though.

"Unless you want to see your faces on the news, we're going to pay," she had said.

I chuckled at that memory then clenched my chest as sobs racked my body. I took several deep breaths, desperate to calm myself, then finally the taxi I had called earlier arrived. Memories of the accident flashed and my breathing quickened.

I shut my eyes and whispered I can do this, several times to myself.

"Where to, miss?" The driver asked once I had entered and closed the car door. I immediately put on my seatbelt and shut my eyes.

"The train station, please."

"You got it," he said, starting the car and driving off.

I leaned back against the seat, gulping and covering my mouth to silence my shuddering breaths. I didn't know what time the train station opened, but all I knew was that I had to get home, and I had to get home today.

I can do this. I can do this. I have to do this.

I took deep breaths and—

The car suddenly jerked to a stop and I screamed, sobs wrecking through me as I remembered being thrown out of the pickup from the impact of the large truck.

"Miss," I heard a distant voice say, and I was vaguely aware of someone nudging me. "Miss... Miss!"

My eyes shot open and I gasped. I had been screaming. I had been crying and screaming and thrashing against the seatbelt.

I couldn't do this.

I hurriedly undid the seatbelt and threw myself out of the parked car.

"I'll walk from here," I said as calmly as I possibly could to the shocked driver. "How far is the station?"

"Um... we've arrived," the driver said tentatively, pointing.

I followed his finger and looked behind me to see the train station.

Oh.

****

It was a horrible 3-hour journey, but I finally arrived.

I had thought that I wouldn't be afraid to ride a train, but it was the motion more than anything that made me panic. I couldn't close my eyes because without physically seeing that I was on a train, I always thought that I was in a car which did nothing but make me feel dread.

I got off the train and took in the familiar surroundings. I got out of the station and thought twice before signalling for a taxi. Taking out my phone, I plotted my apartment address. It was a 15-minute drive but a 45-minute walk away from the station. I decided to walk, too afraid to jump into another vehicle. I walked as far away from the road as possible, my shoulder brushing against the buildings on the pavement as I made my way to my apartment building.

My adoptive parents had insisted on paying the rent for me every month, and I had no doubt they had continued paying, unaware of my absence. That was all they did for me, provide finances, but all I wanted from them was a relationship, not money, but no matter how much I told them that they still didn't care.

After 50 minutes, I arrived at the apartment building. I went up the few flights of stairs and unlocked the door, entering my apartment and taking in the surroundings. Everything was just as I'd left it. The glass that Serena had drunk from before the trip was still upside down on the sink, and the unreal sensation of her being gone hit me again. I still didn't want to accept it.

I swallowed and took a deep breath as I walked toward the end of the room to the long table where all my framed pictures were. I picked them up one by one, running my fingers along the frames as I looked at the images. There were pictures with all of us and pictures with just one of each. My all-time favourite pictures were the ones we took when we went to have a photoshoot. We had saved up to book a studio, a professional photographer and everything. Serena had tried on every article of clothing provided on the hangers, and after losing a dare, she had to take a picture in whatever I chose. I had made sure to pick an outfit that clashed and didn't suit her at all. The photographer had captured us laughing at a pout-faced Serena when she walked out of the changing room. I smiled at the picture and the memory.

I set the picture back down and went to the kitchen again. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday and I could feel my stomach complaining. I opened my bread bin, not surprised to see that the bread was stale. The cereal was stale too. I wasn't in the mood of cooking anything so I settled on ordering a sandwich from Subway.

When the food arrived, I took out my laptop from my drawer and signed into our cloud. It was Faizah's idea to create a cloud where we could upload every photo and video of us, every memory. I signed in and it took me a second to remember the password: SeZaAlFa. It was a combination of the first two letters of our names, compliments to Ally for coming up with it.

The cloud loaded and my breath caught. My hand found its way to my mouth as cries broke out of me. The most recent images and videos were those from the beach. All of our gadgets had been destroyed in the crash, but someone, most likely Faizah, had uploaded everything we took before we left.

I organised the layout in terms of the most recent rather than from A to Z and started from the first memories captured that weekend. The first was a video of us in the car, singing along to the songs blasting on the speakers. I scrolled up from there. There were images of when we went parasailing, and a video popped up of Serena and Reed riding a jet ski, then Serena flipped the camera around and showed me riding with Elliot.

"You two would so make a cute couple," she said into the speaker, aware that I would watch the video.

"You're forgetting he's engaged," Reed reminded her.

"Oh, I'm not forgetting," she told Reed.

I sniffled, my lips curving into what I imagined resembled a frown and a smile.

I scrolled some more.

"What are you doing?" I recognised the voice as Elliot's.

The camera was pointed toward a familiar-looking cliff. "Serena asked me to record them jumping."

"You're forgetting we have to meet Jonah."

"I'm not forgetting," Reed said. "We'll just have to run rather than walk if we want to make it on time."

Elliot chuckled at that but didn't say anything further. I hadn't realised a video was taken of us jumping, and I couldn't help but think of how perfect Reed and Serena had been for each other. Despite only having known her for a couple of hours then, he still took time to take a video of us jumping from the cliff just because she had asked. He zoomed in on us when we appeared, holding hands.

"Looks like they're going to jump together," Reed noticed just as we took a run up and jumped together.

It was Serena's idea to jump together, and I see why now. She knew Reed had been recording.

The video ended and I continued scrolling, through all the memories of when we went wakeboarding, scuba diving and white water rafting. Scrolled through the random selfies and several images. And by the time I had gone through everything, I was weeping. I closed my laptop and curled into a ball on my bed as I trembled and mourned.

****

I didn't know when I had fallen asleep, but when I woke up it was late afternoon and I had several missed calls and texts from Elliot.

With a groan, I rolled off of the bed. I didn't call Elliot back because I knew he would only ask where I was and insist that I came back, but if I refused to come back he would come to me and I would break down as he comforted me. And the last person I wanted comfort from was Elliot.

I knew exactly how I felt for him. Even when I thought we were cousins I started to panic because of the things I was feeling. But now I knew that we weren't cousins, and whatever it was that I felt only intensified every time I cried in his arms.

Before I regained my memory I could deny my feelings and dismiss them for familial love because I thought we were related, but now I couldn't deny my feelings and I feared they would get stronger without my consent and I would only end up being hurt in the end, because Elliot was engaged.

I grabbed my laptop bag and packed my laptop before leaving my apartment. The nap had given me more energy and, since I didn't want to call a taxi, I took out my phone again and plotted Serena's mother's address. It was a 20-minute drive away, an hour's walk.

The last thing I wanted to do was walk for an hour, but the thought of hopping into another car scared me more than a long walk.

I grabbed my bike instead, deciding I would rather ride there than walk or drive.

When I was looking at the pictures and videos, I realised that I hadn't paid my respects to their parents yet. I had seen them at the funeral but I hadn't remembered them at the time, but now I did. And I knew they would appreciate seeing these pictures and videos of their daughters.

After a tiring journey, I finally arrived. I got off my bike, letting it fall on the pavement and made my way up to the porch. I gave myself a full minute to catch my breath before I knocked on the door, ignoring the doorbell. I used my signature knock. One. One Two. One. One. One Two.

There was a 50/50 chance that Serena's mother wasn't home alone. It was a Friday and they all almost always spent their Fridays together.

I barely waited a few seconds before Serena's mother—Sarah—basically pulled the door off of its hinges with how hard and fast she opened it. Ally's mother—Amber—and Faizah's mother—Fanny—were there too, just as I had hoped. And they recognised the knock, just like I knew they would.

As soon as they saw me they simultaneously pulled me in for a long, tight hug.

"You remember," Ma Sarah said. I called them all 'Ma,' because they were like my other mothers.

"I do," I answered.

They all pulled away to look at me.

"Aw, darling, you've been crying," Ma Fanny noticed, licking her thumbs before wiping at my cheeks. With a soft smile at the familiar behaviour, I swatted her hands away like I always did.

"When did you remember?" Ma Amber asked.

"Two days ago," I told her, my voice breaking at the end.

They hugged me again, and not even a second passed before I found myself crying in their arms. The unbearable pain surfaced and I started trembling.

"We know, darling," Ma Sarah said. "We know."

And they did know. They had gone through this pain, if not worse, and they were all still hurting. They had lost their children whom they had known since birth, but I only knew them since college, so I couldn't imagine how badly their deaths had affected them. If I felt like this, they must have felt ten times worse, and I cried more at the thought of that.

I allowed myself to be held in their arms for a moment longer, relishing in the maternal love I had lacked growing up.

Eventually, I managed to stop crying but when I pulled away and saw tears on their cheeks I broke down again, and this time they broke down with me. We fell into a hug and cried for several minutes. At last, the tears stopped, and I managed to make my way to the living room without breaking down again.

"Tea, darling?" Ma Sarah asked.

"No thanks," I answered before taking out my laptop. "I wanted to show you guys this."

"And when exactly did we become men?" Ma Fanny questioned.

"I wanted to show you, ladies, this," I amended with a little smile. I signed into the cloud and pushed my laptop in their direction to allow them to browse through everything.

Tears started forming in their eyes as they scrolled through. They asked questions about the trip and the boys and I answered them all. I realised they were going to watch every single video and look at every single picture that was uploaded so rather than sitting and waiting, I decided to walk around. I hadn't been in this house in ages. This was the same house Serena had grown up in before she moved out, so I went to her room. It was still the same. Her walls were peach and plastered with anything and everything fashion related, her wardrobe wasn't only colour-coordinated but also fabric coordinated. Cotton on one side, wool on another and so on. Her grey carpet was still as soft as ever and her double bed had a clear sparkled mosquito net hanging above it. Her work table was clean and organised, with both childhood pictures and pictures of us framed and placed on the desk.

I ran a hand over the framed images and the posters before taking a seat on her bed. I picked up the large, soft teddy bear that she used to be so obsessed with. Jeffrey was his name. He was off-white with the creepiest brown eyes I'd ever seen on a teddy before.

"If my husband doesn't accept Jeffrey, I don't want him," she had said one time, snuggling with the large teddy. "You have to promise me something though, Zara. If something ever happens to me, you take good care of Jeffrey, okay? I've written a will and everything. I stuffed it in him."

I snuggled with him then, "I guess you're mine now, Jeffrey."

And then I broke down, but I tried to make as little noise as I possibly could. I dug my face into Jeffrey's soft fabric, dampening him with my tears. Even his hugs were comforting enough to make the sorrow rise again. The fact that he used to belong to my best friend didn't make it any easier. I spent several minutes like that, holding Jeffrey as I cried.

When I could eventually pull away without sobbing, I pulled down Jeffrey's zip and put my hand in him feeling through the soft fluffs for the will Serena had supposedly stuffed in him. Finally, I felt a different kind of fabric. A paper. I pulled it out and laughed. Serena had actually written a will.

Serena's Will was scribbled across the front. I unfolded the paper and read the contents.

Greetings to you Zara

If you are reading this then I am dead, so I guess you'll never read this because I ain't gonna die before you. I will wake up and pull you into the grave with me if I have to.

A sorrowful laugh escaped my lips.

But seriously, IDEK why I'm writing this, but I am because I'm so bored right now. Jeff is yours. Officially. Yay. Congratulations!!

Goodbye now, I'm going to break into your home and steal money so I can buy myself some chocolates.

Love you!

I folded the paper again and placed it back into Jeff before zipping him back up. My senses raged and I started to feel disconnected from reality. It felt like I was in a dream of sorts. Like none of this was real. Like Serena couldn't really be gone.

Being in her room only made the pain grow stronger. My breathing was way too loud and I was only half aware of hearing a knock on the front door. Only half aware of Ma Sarah calling for me and telling me it was for me. I hadn't even stopped to wonder who wanted to see me before I shakily got to my feet and slowly walked to the door.

My eyes burned and my vision blurred. I stumbled out of the room and into the passage. I kept my eyes on my feet because it felt like they were going to give in any second, but once the front door was in sight I looked up and there stood Elliot. His eyes were already on me, and his face only became more concerned when he looked at me. He could tell something was wrong. I could tell something was wrong too but I didn't know what. Without even waiting to be allowed in, Elliot rushed past Ma Sarah and toward me. I collapsed into his arms and he held me tight. I didn't know whether my heart was raging because of my acceptance that my best friends were truly gone or because Elliot had found me right when I needed him.

Love you! Serena had written, and now she was gone. And there was nothing I wanted more at that moment than for her to wake up and pull me into the grave with her as she had promised. There was nothing I wanted more than for her to be alive. But she wasn't. And there was nothing I could do about it.

My knees gave in but Elliot held me still. My body shuddered and Elliot held me still. I didn't cry. And I didn't scream. I only held onto Elliot as he held me still.