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Weak Foundations

Human weakness is a damning thing. I was first acquainted with it at the age of six, when a group of boys were laughing at me for being a terrible soccer goalie. I had wanted to say that if I could get some more practice, I'd soon be better than them all – but I had been too dumbstruck to say anything.

As the years flew by, my awareness only increased. The most frightening realization occurred in university, when suicide trailed behind me like a ghost, hidden only by busyness. I buried myself in my studies, and later, in expanding my practice as a psychiatrist. Even now, my job is my life.

"How are you doing, Walter?" I ask.

The stocky man before me fixes his eyes on the floor, as if the answer was hiding under the coffee table. Sighing, he slowly leans back against the armchair.

"Fine, I suppose. Still yelling 'Don't shoot!' in my sleep, scaring my wife half out of her wits." Walter pauses. "Still can't go back to work, so the police car's just parked at home."

"What you had to face required a tremendous amount of bravery, Walter. In no way does your current condition make you a bad policeman."

Walter chuckles.

"Bravery?" He shook his head, his limp salt-and-pepper curls following suit. "I've been a coward since I was a kid. Why do you think I'm a cop? I wanted to be brave and strong, fighting for justice – you know, like Batman."

"Batman?"

"Yeah. He doesn't need some fancy superpower to save the world. He's self-reliant. I've always wanted that, and now, I'm staying at home being useless. I don't know what to tell my kids, I hear gunshots in my mind..." Walter buries his head in his hands.

"You might feel powerless, Walter, but you're not alone. You have your wife, your kids. Everyone's weak somehow, someday; that's why we need other people." I say, smiling softly. "I'm not the only one you can talk to, Walter. Remember that."

Walter raises his head, faintly smiling.

"Thanks, Leah. I will." He pauses, looking around the room. "Oh, congratulations on your sister's engagement. It's on the calendar on the wall," he explains.

"Thanks. Now, back to you..."

After Walter's session, I brew a cup of coffee and plop down on the couch. Rachel had been engaged for four weeks, and, for some reason, I had agreed to go scout for wedding dresses with her today.

I sigh. My baby sister is getting married. I should be excited, not apathetic. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe... I look out the window and start laughing. It's too late to back out now; Rachel's shiny black Porsche is already sitting in the parking lot.

I drag my feet to the front door to greet my sister.

"Hi." I smile weakly.

"Hey, Leah! It feels like I haven't seen you in forever!" Rachel drops her Coach bag and pulls me in for a hug, then starts giggling.

"What is it?" I ask.

"I was just thinking that you seriously need a boyfriend," Rachel says, between peals of laughter. "Goodness, you even smell like this office. Seriously though, I could ask Dan" – her fiancé – "if there's anyone he knows."

I feel my lips stretch into a thin, chilly smile.

"Why do I need a boyfriend?" I demand.

"Come on, Leah, we've been over this before. You're always stuck here," she says. "I've never even seen your condo before!"

"Well, that's because I don't own a condo."

I see the shock on Rachel's face and then realize that I had spoken out loud.

"I thought – you don't mean – do you actually live here?" She asks in a whisper.

"Rachel, let's be reasonable -"

"Reasonable?  You're asking me to be reasonable?" Rachel scoffs. "Did you even want to help me?" She glances at the calendar. "Leah, you have an appointment in half an hour! You should've just told me, if you didn't want to come! What are you, jealous?

"What?!" I was flabbergasted. "Jealous of what?"

"The fact that I'm five years younger than you and engaged to a man I love, while you're still rotting in this office? I don't know!"

"If you can't be civil, Rachel, then leave."

"No." Rachel stares at me as she would a stranger. "I can't just watch my sister bury herself in this rut to prove that she's some superhuman wonder. Stop being such a hypocrite! You told me that I could accept your help after – after my dreams came crashing down when I found out that I'll probably never have children. You're half of why I could even say yes to Dan!"

"Oh, so you're just frustrated because I can have kids and I don't want to?"

"Stop it! You hate how easily life drags you down but you're so scared of weakness that you won't even admit it to your family!"

"Leave!" I yell.

Rachel shakes her head, hurt. She picks up her handbag in silence then stalks out the door, slamming it close.

I fall back down on the couch, staring out the window. How could I have forgotten about my next appointment?

Everyone's weak somehow, someday; that's why we need other people.

The words I said to Walter ring painfully through my head. I didn't lie to him, and I didn't lie to Rachel either, all those years ago. Then why do I have to live by different standards?

A tear trickles down my cheek. Rachel's right. I want to be superhuman because I feel powerless. I almost committed suicide before, and what about now? I'm jeopardizing my relationship with my sister even though she's the bravest woman I know.

She said half the reason was me.

Rachel does have a superpower I don't, I realize. She can accept others' help, which makes her strong enough to face the future.

Hands shaking, I pick up the phone and dial Rachel's cell.

"I'm sorry. Can you come back? I need you."

_______________________________________________________________

A short story I wrote for a contest, but it didn't end up getting submitted. :/ 

Thoughts? Any feedback is welcome!

- Paula 

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