I had fallen asleep in Andreas’ arms. When I awoke, I didn’t recognize our surroundings at all. My eyes opened and my senses were dazzled. We were still in the woods, but I could see a clearing nearby with a waterfall. The water splashed off the rocks and formed small ripples in the pool below. I watched the water with a sense of longing; it had been weeks since I had taken a bath.

My eyes searched the area for Andreas, but he was nowhere to be seen. Strange that he would leave me alone after he had been so adamant about watching me, especially with Eiet out there looking for me. Eiet… merely thinking his name sent a sharp pain through my body.  I still wanted his comfort, even in the whirlwind of what I believed he might be and do.

I got to my feet and approached the pool, staring at my reflection in the water. I looked sickly and dirty, but I was relieved to find my eyes were still brown. At least one thing was normal, for the time being. I tried to run a hand through my tangled hair, but the knots kept my fingers stuck. Why Andreas wanted to kiss me in such a state was beyond me. Maybe he really likes you… a small voice whispered in my head, but I squashed it down almost instantly. I couldn’t afford to start thinking about him in that way.

“Letting our vanity show, are we?”

Andreas startled me so intensely, I almost fell into the water.  He was too amused by that for my tastes.

“I got you some clean clothes from the village just up ahead if you wanted to take a bath. You’ve been days, or weeks, without one, and I know now fidgety you noble girls get when you’re dirty for too long.”

I gazed over to him and noticed that he was still wearing the same combination of black shirt, ebony pants, and charcoal boots. There was a thin sheet of dirt on him too, indicating that he hadn’t taken a bath yet, either. “I thought you weren’t going to leave me alone?”

He shrugged. “This particular place is known only to me.”

 I searched his face, but it had become inscrutable again. He approached the pool and knelt down beside me, handing me the clothes that I curtly accepted.

“We don’t have much time, since I’d like to reach my village before nightfall.”

I nodded. “Will you give me some privacy to bathe?” I asked, not looking in his direction, afraid my embarrassment would show.

He chuckled. “There is no time for modesty, little witch. I need to bathe too. Your choice is either to join me, or to stay dirty.”

My eyes widened and I bit my bottom lip. I did hate to feel so dirty, but I’d never been seen in fewer clothes than my nightgown around men. The situation felt too indecent and I wasn’t sure how to react to it. The only man I had ever seen without a shirt had been John, and that not under ideal circumstances.

You’re grasping.  That same voice in my mind from earlier whispered.  You just don’t trust him.

It was such an irritating tone, very blunt.  When I was honest with myself, I knew I could be that way.  But this sounded… different, and I found myself wishing I knew where it came from.

You’re afraid he might do something.  Or you’re afraid that you’re not afraid he might…that you’re the opposite of afraid…

I knew I wasn’t ready. Everything was happening too fast and I needed things to slow down.

With all my concentration, I shut that voice off and focused on the feel of my skin and hair.  That pushed me ahead.

“At least look away until I’m submerged in the water?” I asked, still refusing to look at him.

“If it would make you feel more comfortable,” he stated in that arrogant tone of his he used when he was mocking me. I felt a pang of resentment towards him.  So often, he couldn’t seem to give me even an inch without fighting for it.  Maybe that was to make his sweet interludes that much more enticing. Like a honey trap.

I surreptitiously glanced at him, but he saw and he turned his back before I could make out his expression. Hastily, I pulled off my clothes and jumped into the water. I had no idea how much time he was going to give me and I didn’t want to risk him seeing me bare. I submerged into the water fully. The water was freezing, but I didn’t mind. The sensation was welcome after the heat Andreas ignited within me.

When I resurfaced I found Andreas standing right before me in the water, the water covering him up to his abdominal muscles. I was once again struck by his physique, to the point of helplessly staring for several long moments. My only point of comparison regarding bare male chests was no comparison at all. 

Andreas was smirking. “It’s cute when you stare with those big, innocent eyes of yours,” he commented mischievously.

I quickly averted my gaze, unwilling to give him more ammunition against me. My body felt jittery, anxious.

I wasn’t going to be able to do more than just rinse the dirt away. I swam out of his sight and turned my back to him as I quickly scrubbed the splotches of dirt from my skin. I pulled the tangles from my hair and deemed my efforts enough until I could get more privacy.

Andreas rested his hand on my shoulder before I could get out of the pool. “You missed a spot,” he said, with a quiet intimacy that threatened to overwhelm me. Without waiting for permission, he started rubbing the dirt from my back. Though his touch was warm, shivers raced through me.

When his hands stopped, I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or disappointed. This man made me so frustratingly indecisive, and that embarrassed me as much as anything.  I hated feeling that way, but I didn’t want him to leave to cure it.  One thing I was sure of: I was still afraid he would hurt me.  But I was getting less and less afraid it would be physically… and less and less sure I would be able, or even want, to avoid it when the time came....

“Would you help me too?” he asked casually. When I turned to him, his back already faced me. Swallowing my nerves, I started rubbing the dirt off his back. Even those muscles were well defined. I stared with a new sort of fascination as his muscles moved with his breaths. Up and down, up and down… I lost track of everything else around me.  How I yearned to kiss him again. Touching him was a thrill on its own.

Andreas turned to face me again. “Your hands are so soft,” he whispered, and took them in his. He pulled me closer to him and placed my hands on his chest. The hypnotic movement continued, and my breathing became ragged. “I really want to kiss you again,” Andreas said in a husky voice. All I could do was nod.

His signature smirk lit up his features and he brought his lips to mine. Somehow this kiss was different than the others, more intense. I could barely breathe. There was a passion behind it that felt otherworldly. I was consumed by it. I longed to be closer to him. All reason faded.

Andreas took his hands off mine and placed them on my hips, pulling me out of the water more. It wasn’t long before my wish had been fulfilled and my body was melted against his warm, hard flesh. I lost control of myself. My hands left their spot on his chest and circled his neck, in the same motion pulling myself tighter against his chest. I heard him groan without breaking the deep kiss we were sharing. His lips were all-consuming and I didn’t think I could get enough. His hands skimmed down to my legs, pulling them around him.

 The dull, pervasive roar of the waterfall suddenly grew louder in my ears, and my vision was painted over black.  A great, gaping maw rose up before me, and washed over with the sound of an uncountable number of waves crashing from the sea onto the shore; reforming all at once, and crashing again.  The emptiness, the emptiness that came with that sound, in that instant, took every other thought away.  A pit of despair seemed to open up inside me…

And with an almost physical crash, the spell broke.

Full realization hit me. I was naked. And wrapped around Andreas. I pulled away from him, making sure to hide my body under the water. I shook my head, lost in thought and breathless. “I can’t.” I avoided looking at his face.

“Can’t what exactly?” he asked, slightly out of breath, in a tone that sounded almost hurt.

I turned my back to him, my face flaming. “This. It’s too fast.”

Andreas snorted. “At exactly which point did you decide that?” I suddenly felt his hands on my neck. He was brushing my hair away and kissed me tenderly. I shivered. His voice was shot through with frustration, rage, confusion.  I couldn’t answer.

 Andreas was slowly coming back to himself, but seemed almost embarrassed by what had happened.  It was the second time things had not seemed to go according to his plan, and that clearly sat poorly with him.  His frustration turned to scorn that coated his words.

 “You are a frustrating creature, little witch.”

With that, he turned and left the pool.

I stood frozen as he left, my arms uselessly folded in front of me.  The end of the encounter and Andreas’ departure left a hole in my mind… and into that hole came the flood.

John enters the room alongside my father, the Lord Eleanor. They are both smiling brightly as they exchange pleasantries. A pit forms in my stomach. My father is going to leave me alone with him. Just yesterday had been our first ‘romantic’ meeting, but there had been some supervision then, something that had clearly bothered John. My mother had insisted that a first encounter couldn’t be done alone because that was where impurities occurred. One look at John’s hungry expression confirmed as much.

Now John is standing in the doorway, a smug look on his face. My father had given John his approval, and is about to allow us our first “alone” time. John is a knight; he must follow the rules of chivalry, right?

“I will take good care of her, my lord. You have my word,” John says and my father does not catch the sly note in his tone… or, perhaps – and even worse – he does.  Either way, he gives no clue.

I hope against hope he would. Something about John has always put me on edge. Not only is he a lot older than me, but he also has this arrogance about him that makes it seem like he thinks he can get away with anything. Often, he has no reason to think he cannot.

“I know you will. You young ones have fun, but not too much,” my father says and winks. My heart sinks further.

My father has barely left the room before John is right next to me. He brushes a lock of my hair from my cheek and tucks it behind my ear. “Alone at last, lovely Lana. I’ve been eagerly anticipating to this day. You truly have grown into a beautiful young lady.” I am mortified. The expression in his eyes is hungry, devious.

He doesn’t give me a chance to reply before he crushes his lips to mine. I don’t kiss him back. But he is not discouraged.

John backs me against the wall, locking me in place, preventing my escape. His lips are harsh, and his body flush against mine. When I feel his hardness, I begin to struggle, trying to push him away. “No,” I murmur against his eager lips.

He chuckles and pulls away slightly. “No is not an answer my future bride is allowed to give.”

I push against him as hard as I can, but he doesn’t budge. He grabs my wrists and roughly pins them against the wall as he starts kissing me again, harder still. I try to duck my head away, but he doesn’t let me. Then he pulls away, but I hardly have time to register relief when I see he is pulling his shirt over his head. I don’t allow myself to marvel at his hard muscles as they are holding me against my escape.

He is on me again before I can even think of using the slight space he has given me to run away. Grabbing both my legs, he lifts me from the ground, pushes my skirt up higher. I am completely pinned against the wall, thrashing, trying to push him off, but he is too strong. He cuts off my scream by wedging one of his arms, holding my left hand, across my throat, so that the forearm gags me.  All I can manage are a couple strangled wretches that will bring no one.

His rough hands make their way under my skirt and lift it up until my undergarments are exposed. I thrash harder, trying desperately to keep him from fiddling with the hem of my chemise. He is pressing against me so hard, moments away from being inside me. Hopelessness starts to creep in, though I continue to fight, ignoring the sharp pain that shoots through me each time he stops my attempts at escape.

Just as John is about to do away with the last layer separating our bodies, my brother walks into the room. He sees all… and clears his throat. “Argeno, it is a bit soon for that, is it not?”

He sees me pinned against the wall, and he laughs, doing to me in one gesture almost as much as John had done with all his exertions.  John laughs, too, and it chills me. “Couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” John lied, “You know what I mean?”

                My brother answers with another knowing laugh. By the angels.

John had finally let me down, and, without looking at either of them, I slink out of the room.  I am numb as they continue sharing their private amusement.  I feel nothing. I feel like nothing.

When the torrent of that awful scene passed and the present swam back into view, I was still in the same position, shivering without control.  I had no idea if it had been just a moment or much longer I had been lost in my memory, but Andreas had left me behind and was pulling his shoes back on sitting under a tree across the clearing.  His back was to me, but his posture radiated with tension.  The only times I had seen that so far was when his anger was directed at me.

Andreas’ eyes traveled back over to me, the intensity in his gaze sending a wave of heat through me that did little to ease the shivers. Our gazes locked and I could see the longing lodged within him.  He cursed under his breath and removed the pieces of clothing he had been putting on moments before and returned to the pool. I turned my back to him as he approached, but could suddenly feel his breath on my neck.

“You are a very frustrating creature, little witch,” he said again, kissing me behind my ear. I tried to move away from him, putting some distance between me and my unruly desires.

“I can’t.”

“You and I both know that’s not true.” He pulled me closer to him once more, his hands on my hips. “Stop pretending not to want something your body clearly craves,” he whispered huskily into my ear.

“Just because my body craves it, doesn’t mean I want it,” I replied breathlessly, my tone slightly harsher than I intended.

Andreas turned me to him, locking our eyes. His midnight blue ovals were hard, but there was a hint of a softness that I hadn’t seen there before. He pulled me closer to him again, our skin making contact. “You say that, yet everything you do denies it. Your eyes reveal your true desire. You do want it. You want me to touch you like this,” he said as his hands caressed my back, moving down to my waist. My body responded to his, but I willed my logical thought to remain.

I placed my hands on his chest, a weak attempt to halt his pursuit. My blood was pumping rapidly and remaining sound of thought was increasingly difficult. “It’s… too fast…” I tried again, but my voice lacked conviction even to my own ears. He was right, again. I did want this.

He pulled me into another kiss, severing the connection between my head and my heart. He only broke off slightly before saying, “If you can say with absolute certainty that you don’t want me as much as I want you right now, I will back off.”

The words that I needed to stay was locked in my throat, unable to fight their way through. Nothing in that moment existed but the two of us. There was no way I’d have been able to say no. He took my silence as the answer he sought and kissed me again, igniting a sleeping dragon within me. I gave in, all my inhibitions slowly washed away by the water surrounding us.

He pulled my legs around him once more, and I offered no resistance.