|sudden|

my eyes woke to the view of him.

i looked up at him with a pitiful smile.

"what are you doing out here?" he asks.

i stand to my feet.

"just thinking." i reply.

"how long have you been out here?" he asks.

"i don't know. what time is it?" i asks. my voice was trembling.

as he takes his phone out to look, i stare at his lips. how could he let someone claim his lips after mine?

"7:50pm." he replies.

i shift my weight and nod slowly.

"i've been here a while then." i reply after moments of silence.

"why'd you call?" he asks.

"you kissed me. you can't just pretend that never happened." i snap.

he backs up slowly away.

"it didn't mean anything." he says.

i could feel the tears forming.

he comes closer and cups my face gently to look at him deep in the eyes.

"just forget me. okay? do us both a favor and forget us, forget we ever happened." he says.

i could hear my heart tear open again, louder than the waves crashing.

"you don't understand. i love - "

"no you don't! if you did, you'd let me be happy and leave me alone!" he yells.

"why is it so hard to love me, tell me!?" i scream at him. the tears were pouring down my cheeks.

"it isn't that! we just can't be together! why can't you accept that?!" he yells back. his voice was getting hoarse.

"maybe because i love you! i promised to never give up! i wanted to work at it. i wanted to try! but you gave up on me. you left me! yes you've fucking cheated on me countless times when you were drunk but what did i do when you came to me home while being drunk?!!? even though i knew you cheated on me again. i still took care of you. i helped you to bed, and i was there when you woke up." i was sobbing.

"see, i'm not good for you! i hurt you all the fucking time! who would want to love someone like me?" he says, taking a step closer.

"no matter how much you hurt me, i still couldn't stop loving you. i couldn't forget what we had. we still had good times. you could've learned to be committed. we could've tried!!" my voice is softening.

"can you just forget it. its over. its been fucking over." he says.

he turns away to walk away and i let him.

and i lost him again. every time.