|choices|

                    sometimes while i lie awake at night, I find myself wondering did he ever love me at all?
                    and sometimes my restless mind convinces me that it was all a dream, that in reality, he does not exist at all.
                     but once i wake in the morning, and i see his face on my lock screen of my phone, and when i see the thousands of pictures of us together in a four and a half year time - span my mind then collapses and my heart breaks over and over again.
                    it's a deadly repeating cycle of memories, and reminders that he is no longer mine and he probably never claimed me ever to begin with.
                    and that realization crashes down onto me so hard, that one day out of the months we have no longer been together, i snapped and broke completely.
        
          i knew now what i was going to do.
          and he or anyone else couldn't tell me otherwise.

"why did you call me here?" he asks, as he approaches me in my little library in my house.

               " i just needed to see you." one last time. 
                  i sit still on my warm chair, and grasp my notebook and pen on my lap.

"how are you feeling today?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

                      " me? well i'm just fine." i reply, with a small smile.

               he gives me a side glance, and leans on the wall casually.

"you seem a whole lot better today. i haven't seen you this happy before i left." he says.

                     i breathe a shaky breath. i force a wide smile and ignore the stabbing in my chest.

                  " well it's because..." I pause.

"because?" he asks, after a few moments of silence.

                     " well, i'm leaving." i state.

he stares at me, trying to read my unreadable expression.
he should know my expressions by now.

" leaving?" he says, after clearing his throat.

                    i smile and nod warmly.
"where are you leaving to?" he asks, scratching his head.

                     "who knows." i  whisper.

he clears his throat.

"why?" he asks.

                           " i'm not needed here, you see? my parents are never home. i pretty much live alone. my friends? i laugh. they don't even notice my existence. and i'm not enough for you, or anyone here. so i must go now." i say, with no emotions.

he stares at me for a couple seconds.

"you are really leaving? where will you go to?" he asks.

                        i was beginning to get annoyed. why is he acting like he cares so much? he left me. 

                         " i need to go. it's my choice." i state.

he looks at me in shock.
i couldn't read his emotions.

" wow." he mumbles.

                          " i'm sorry." i whisper.

he shakes his head.

" i don't care. just go." he says.

                        "okay." i simply reply.
" i mean it's your choice. but won't you miss me?" he asks.

                  i smile.

                  "well of course. i'll always miss you and love you. you are the only one for me even though i am not for you." i explain.

he swallows.

"okay." he mumbles.

he takes out a cigarette.

                       "no, not in here." i order.

he looks at me in confusion.

"you don't care if i do it in general?" he asks.

                   i shake my head.

                    "how can i? i am leaving." I ask.

he shrugs.
"well, okay...i better get going." he announces.

                     i smile and wave.

he leaves and i drop my smile into a frown.

                and that was my last chance.