No doubt about it, when I am out with Dylan, anything is likely to happen. One day we may well be arrested. Or taken away by blokes in white coats... I am fairly certain there are videos of the two of us floating about somewhere on the internet. We may have not gone 'viral' yet but I do check YouTube every day. Just in case I have some explaining to do to the rest of the family.

A typical example is the supermarket. Now most people duck in there, do their shopping and check out. Nope. I never know what will happen in there and one thing I do know without a doubt is that the minute we step in, those cameras above out heads are watched more closely. I picture whoever is in that office sitting upright, maybe calling whoever else and yeah, observing the two lunatics back in their store.

It's not just him see, he infects me too. Take yesterday. He spotted a new range of 'stuff'.

"Mum you gotta buy this!"

"What the hell is that?" He was holding a large plastic green avocado shaped thing?

"It's to store your avocado in."

"Why would I want to put my avocado in an avocado?"

"Because you can, duh! There's one for a banana and an apple. C'mon mum!"

"It's stupid!"

"That's not the point!"

We were standing across that aisle now and our voices were rising. People were ducking their way around us giving us odd looks as Dylan proceeded.

"See someone made it. They thought about it see? You have to support them!"

"Just stop!"

"Well buy this other thing then."

"And what is that?" He was now holding up an extra-large red silicon spoon.

"Says spoon rest? So for when your spoons are tired I guess?"

"Dylan!"

"What? Can't spoons get tired?"

"Stop."

"Well I'm buying this water bottle then."

"Babe..."

He stood in the middle of the aisle doing one of those 'presentations', where you wave your hand and show off the product? I lost it. Laughter just poured. 

"It's BPA free, so that's a bonus, and look, it says 'Life is beautiful'. I have to have it." He looked around at the few shoppers in the aisle. "Everyone needs one of these. So you can remember life is beautiful!"

I grabbed him aside. "Hon the top is pink and it's a leftover from Mother'sDay?"

"I don't care."

So it went in the trolley.

He eats this particular brand of 'bean taco chips'. They were next. The ritual goes like this: He will pick up each pack, squeeze it a little and then put it on the shelf above. It's apparently 'tired'. He will continue to do that until he finds the one most filled with air.

"Dyls you realise those packs will be put back there tomorrow and your squeezing will have made them more tired right?"

"I don't care." This said as he shoved one he dropped discreetly under the shelf with his foot.

"You know you'll be eating the one off the floor tomorrow right?"

"No, I will know. It will be stale."

"Whatever."

"Hey mum." This in the International Foods aisle, his favourite?

"Yes Dylan."

"Why would you put a sausage in a glass jar?"

"I don't know."

"I mean look at them. Are they real? Do you cook them or just pull one out of the jar and munch on it? They look like small dead penises?"

"Well-" But he was off again, inspecting something else.

"Mum, my undies don't work anymore."

"Huh?"

"They don't work!"

"Ummm they're not supposed to work?"

"Yes they are and they're not!"

"So you need new undies?"

"Well I can't make them work if they're not working, can I?"

So we ended up in the underwear aisle.

"Nope."

"What are you looking for exactly?"

"Undies that work?"

"And there's none here?"

"Nope."

This after re-arranging the entire underwear section as I nervously watched the cameras overhead.

Distraction time. "Babe, run get some pine nuts. I'll grab the butter."

"I got peanuts!" Rushing back a few minutes later, holding up a plastic bag chock full of pine nuts. We have this section where you can scoop any variety of nuts into plastic bags and then after weighing them and putting in the relevant code, attach the printed out sticker on the bag to scan at the checkout. Pine nuts cost roughly $80.00 a kilo. They're not cheap.

"They're pine nuts."

"No, they're peanuts. Read!"

I read. 480g of peanuts, price $2.95.

"Dylaaaaaaaan."

"What? Nuts are nuts."

"Nuts are not nuts!"

"If fruit are fruit then nuts are nuts."

He did the same thing last week. With some organic zucchini? They ended up being potatoes... His reasoning: potatoes cost the least and they are the heaviest item?

"Everything should be potatoes mum. Seriously."

We always go through the self-serve checkouts. This because we always have that one item which may bring security out and perhaps... the police?

Passing the $2 shop, he suddenly wanted one of those woolly hats with the earmuffs and the pompoms at the ends. After ransacking the entire shelf, and trying on EVERY single bear and dog and whatnot on it hat on and asking if it suited him... we left. He bought a phone charger instead.

There's a shop a few doors down where they sell liquidated stock. Stores - often selling very expensive items - go bust, and this shop picks up the merchandise at liquidation cost and on sells it for a fraction of the price on the label. I knew we were in trouble, when he spotted jeans.

"Look for black ones."

I looked for black ones. Found some in his size.

"They're not skinny on the bottom."

"Yes they are! And they were $350 dollars! Grab them!" They were selling them for $15 a pair, and I knew the brand, these weren't 'knock-offs, they were the real deal.

"I want skinny."

I found skinny.

"They're not black!"

"Yes they are!" The woman beside me nodded vigorously.She'd been patiently waiting to look through. Her patience was... depleted?

"Hon, they're black and they're skinny - maybe too skinny on the bottom? I am buying them, right?"

"Whatever." He'd moved on, attempting to try on socks. I ran, scooping up the jeans, and stopped him with his one boot off.

"Can't try on socks Dylan! It's unhygienic!"

"Oh that reminds me. I need to wash my hands. Or get some sanitiser."

Oh boy. "Why?"

"Because I had to tie up grandpa's shoe laces? You know, his runners?"

My father is incontinent and despite wearing 'man nappies' accidents often happen. Often. Puddles follow him everywhere.

"Wanna smell?"

"No! And you just ate a bread roll from the bakery - oh God, you gave me some!"

"And? I asked you if you wanted some and you said yes!"

"But you didn't tell me you'd tied his shoelaces then left the house without washing your hands! And why did you let him wear them anyway? They need to be washed, he has other pairs!"

"They all end up smelling the same, what's the big deal?"

We'd dropped my father off at the pub, while we did the shopping. Picking him up at the end, Dylan opened the front passenger side door, only to quickly shut it again. I was parked next to a laneway.

"Phew, that was close!"

I watched as a car sped by. It would have ripped the door off.

Dylan immediately opened his door again and hopped out. I head screeching brakes and saw Dyls jump backwards. A big white van stopped inches short of the wide open door, Dylan staring from the other side.

I don't know why, but I got into one of those instances where you just laugh uncontrollably? I mean when you try to speak but laughter just overtakes and intrudes and every new word leads to a new bout?

He shut the door, the van drove off, the driver giving me an angry look. I was still laughing like a lunatic though, and got the finger. Still I laughed, as Dylan brought dad down the stairs, shoving the walker in the boot and then sitting himself in the back seat.

I tried, really. I tried to not see the humorous side. I tried telling him, but all he got was laughter with some disconnected words. It was his "Pheww" that had done it see?

On the way home, he said "So mum, if the door had come off, we'd have to store it in the boot right? Is that legal?"

"No idea?" Still laughing.

"Then grandpa would have to hang on for dear life, without a door right?"

"Yes?"

"But what if we were involved in an accident?"

"We would have already been involved in an accident you idiot, that's why the door would be in the boot?"

"That makes sense."

Half an hour later he was in my room. I was lying down because Friday shopping is hell on my back. I watched him lie on the floor, his left leg lifted in the air towards me, the new jeans he'd tried on down to his knees.

"Help me out of them!"

"Seriously?"

"I tried!"

"Lift your leg higher, I can't reach!"

"Don't take my socks off! I hate it when I have to put them back on again!"

So I tugged and I pulled, wincing with pain and got one leg out, my eyes staring at the ceiling the whole time because of that earlier statement of "undies not working"? The sock stayed on and I heard a grunt of satisfaction. Repeated the process with the other leg. Another satisfied grunt.

"Told you they were too tight!"

"And they're still not black," he said, his 'not working' undies on full display as he headed back to his room. I felt a trip to the Mall coming on, very soon. A whole new other hell...