A baby does not understand the concept of guilt from birth. A mother does; often carrying any amount of guilt passed on during her upbringing. Guilt therefore emerges and takes many forms as it is absorbed by the growing child.

A good mother will abstain from imposing guilt wherever possible. She will avoid comments and actions that lead to feelings of guilt. This can be difficult at times however, as tiredness, frustration, stress and anger cause unintended comments and behaviours that are interpreted by her child as being instigated by a fault of their own. Whether it is considered a consequence of an action, an omission of a duty, a result of a conflict, the child accepts ownership of the effect on the mother. Guilt is instilled, and reinforced every time the child feels a connection between the mother's ill feelings and behaviours and their own actions.

Guilt malforms and even destroys relationships. My own mother has become quite adept over the decades at manipulating circumstances, whereby I cannot ever be right or rather 'guilt-free'. I am therefore ever caught up in this cycle of guilt-inducing behaviour, where even doing the very opposite of what I believe will alleviate this guilt, still somehow ends up inducing it.

I cannot recall if I've mentioned anywhere about her recent health situation. The boys and I went away to Sydney for a few days last October. Upon our return, she informed me that a couple of days prior - whilst out on her daily walk - she developed a sudden excruciating headache and total loss of vision in her left eye.

The conversation went like this, when we returned:

"But I spoke to you every day! Why didn't you say something?" (Guilt response)

"I didn't want to spoil your time away." (Guilt inducement)

"Still, I could have rung around, got someone to take you to the hospital!" (Guilt response)

"Who would want to sit with me waiting for hours in Emergency?" (Guilt inducement)

"Well let's go now then!" (Guilt response)

"It's late and you're tired. We'll go in the morning." (Guilt inducement)

I accepted her words. There was though, the nagging thought that if I hadn't left, if I'd been here, I might have... (Guilt response)

Five months later, we are still battling to find the cause. I have been shunting her between five different hospitals, and she has had every possible test, and an array of different drugs, with no clear diagnosis or relief from the persisting headache. The damage to her eye is permanent.

So I subsequently took on all responsibility. I cleaned, I cooked, and I did everything to allow her time to recuperate. It was my way of alleviating the guilt.

Then one day, after asking her yet again to sit down, to let me do whatever she was attempting to do, she said, "I need to keep busy. Let me do things for myself, it keeps my mind off. Don't treat me like a child!" (Guilt inducement)

So I accepted those words and left her to it, feeling like my guilt was making her feel incapable. (Guilt response)

I resumed my routine of writing, sequestered in my room. She came upstairs one day:

"You don't help any more. I am suffering so much and you are not concerned, all you care about is yourself." (Guiltin ducement)

"But mum, you told me to stop doing things for you!" I was thinking internally, maybe I shouldn't have listened to her? (Guilt response)

See the cycle here? I was in a flurry of activity, feeling guilty for having left her alone those two days. I compensated by helping, being there for her as much as I could. Yet when I backed off at her request, I was bestowed the added 'guilt' of neglecting her.

My children have not been exposed to guilt producing situations. Rather, they have been able through negotiation to see both sides and come to informed conclusions. Guilt implies fault, and my children are faultless, because ultimately, fault is subjective and never one-sided. They cannot therefore be personally at fault for circumstances beyond their control or outside of their own spheres of influence.

I have seen the effects of this guilt cycle mirrored around me. I have over the years tried to understand why it surfaces and more importantly, why it becomes a cycle within relationships and families.

Why do we induce guilt in others and especially in our children? Every time we say to them, "If you had..." or "You never..." followed by any number of 'accusations', we instigate guilt. Our children retain these instances. They build up over time. We however tend to forget them as most are products of momentary frustration, anger, or helplessness. The moments pass for us.

Not so for our children. They struggle to interpret and apply logic to situations that are illogical at best. These situations are fluid also, reflecting particular moments which may in time evolve into different, opposing moments. They thus face an ensuing 'damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario'.

Irritation builds and along with it, resentment. The child often counters this by in turn attempting to 'avoid' these situations - either through withdrawal or a display of disinterest. This however backfires more so than not. "You never listen." "You are ignoring me." "Why don't you ever..." New accusations surface on the part of the parent. The cycle therefore repeats over and over.

After yet another trip to hospital yesterday, and being sent away again because there was nothing they could find to treat, my mum said "None of you believe me. When I die, that's when you will all realise I was right."

Ouch. Future guilt: Another in the moment statement which will linger on. This I encounter everywhere. The "Wait till..." the "One day when..." the "You'll see..." the "When you..." Not only content with inducing guilt in the present, mothers often project future prospects. And should one actualize (given enough of these over time, one or two are bound to do so) the child remembers and the child regrets - despite this outcome having been long forgotten by the mother who uttered it in the past moment.

Consistently induced guilt can have some horrendous effects, as children try to alleviate the growing burden: Over-eating, under-eating, substance abuse, erratic behaviours, rebellion, antipathy, and of course, resentment and the breakdown of the mother-child bond.

We need to bite out tongues a lot more than we do as mothers. We need to not let the moments generate utterances which will have lasting effects. Our children are not at fault and should not be given 'ownership' of our moods and whatever manifests from them. Rather than saying "You never listen and one day you'll regret it," we should really be questioning WHAT caused this thought and addressing this cause with other, bridging words...