A baby is expected to reach milestones. These are mostly pre-determined by 'experts'. As each milestone is reached, the expectation extends to the next one and the next. As well as developmental expectations, there are societal and parental ones that a child must attain.

A good mother expects that her child will achieve developmental milestones and takes care to ensure that all possible means are available for the child to do so. If one is not reached, or if one is delayed, it sends alarm bells and requires clinical or 'other' professional investigation.

A good mother also expects that her child will be well-behaved, polite, respectful of authority and conscientious in their schooling. She expects that her child will be well-adjusted, socially responsible and dutiful. The child must engage in age appropriate activities, must have some extra-curricular interest whether it is music or sport, and must show adequate academic progress throughout their school career.

I have removed limits or expectations on my sons' rate of growth, allowing them to grow and develop at the pace that best suits them as individuals. I have never 'forced' anything on them, whether a coat in the middle of winter or a sport or a musical instrument. They explored as youngsters, they tried Little Athletics and football and karate and table tennis and swimming and the obligatory 'recorder'... All abandoned after a few weeks. I accepted their decisions. Same with food, same with anything they decided really...

I remember with my first born, going to see the nurse every few weeks, to check his 'development'. Dylan was a big baby (big ouch!10.4lbs) and was off the charts in terms of height/weight and everything else she measured. Up in the 90th percentile or whatever they called it in terms of 'development'. By two and a half, he was using the net. By four, he was surfing the net like a pro. When he got to pre-school, I asked how it was possible for him to navigate his way around before he could read. They said he memorised the colours/shapes etc. of different sites and also the directions to get there. I always thought there was more to it, but nobody those days could explain it to me.

He showed no continued interest in art or books or sports. Yet sit him on a computer and he would 'read' everything and anything. So I encouraged it because every form of reading is good. This got him through Primary School. He won the Highest Scholarship in grade 5. Grade 6 was the turning point for him. He had a young male teacher with a tech background. This teacher recognised Dylan's affinity with computers and pretty much left him alone all year, to pursue what he loved best. He didn't do much regular class work; he focussed mainly on the computer.

He won the highest scholarship again that year. His report card was oozing with praise, and on the front cover, his teacher had written something like: "You're going to be the next Bill Gates, hope you still remember me then!"

Oh but High School! He was put into the 'Accelerated Program for Gifted Children.' I was so proud! So damn proud I didn't check to see what it was all about. Out of almost a thousand applicants, only 22 kids were chosen every year. So yeah, I was chuffed.

My boy though started to wilt. It happened gradually at first then accelerated. My bright, enthusiastic child started to slip. Woke up late, rumbled and mumbled... Passed the first year well enough but by the second year, I was seeing troubling signs. "I hate School." This over the next few months turning into "I hate my life." Marcus had started High School also at this point - I'll tell you about his journey a little later.

Anyway, that's when I researched and delved deeper into what the term 'accelerated' really meant. They were not giving my 'gifted' child a broader education, or exposing him to anything more challenging than mainstream classes. They were simply 'rushing' him through the same curriculum as Marcus, only at twice the speed. So by the middle of his 2nd year, he was doing 4th year work. It meant he would finish High School two years earlier.

On the surface it sounded good. But I saw the problem and finally understood why it was killing my son's spirit. Accelerated learning meant a tight schedule, cramming two years of learning into one. No time to dwell on ideas, explore, expand, discus... just a big rush to 'get through everything' on time. Subjects were 'caught up' in other subjects, i.e. an English class period may have been used to finish Indonesian. Four kids dropped out by mid-second year.

Dylan was unhappy. His mid-year report reflected this. My bright child, my 'gifted' child, hated the "world" by this stage. I spoke to his teachers at length, explained where his passion lay. They promised to get him special IT tutors. It didn't happen. They promised they would offer him more stimulating subject matter. Didn't happen. So I pulled him out. They fought me for a while, they needed him see, to keep the numbers up and the program going. Right up to the day we left the area, they kept calling, asking for him to come back. I politely refused each time.

Now Marcus. He was your straight C kid all the way through Primary School; at least this was what his report cards indicated. He was not outgoing, he was more reserved than Dylan. So he was quiet, well-mannered, well-behaved and generally well-everything. Yet he was just as 'gifted' as Dylan though, despite the concensus reached in every report. I know this because every two years he sat the nation-wide tests, where they rated children across the year level in every school in the country. Those marks did not reflect his report cards. I asked why. Repeatedly.

The teachers couldn't explain the discrepancy. How does a straight C kid get As and only a couple of Bs on National Tests, pitted against kids from the best Private Schools in the country? Nobody had answers. High School - what little he saw of it - was the same straight C conflicting with the national A...

It was his personality see. Being more reserved, he 'went under the radar'. Dylan's outgoing nature focussed attention on him. Marcus was ignored because he was well-behaved and quiet. As long as he continued being this way, the school was quite happy with his 'average' marks. So yeah, I got him out of there too.

The years since, I have left them alone. They took charge of their education. At 13 and 14 years of age, they entered a new world. I understood that expectations, whether my own or societal ones were a gamble at best. They had no real 'bearing' on my children's future and were in effect at times restricting. In Marcus' case, once an expectation was placed, simply fulfilling that expectation was enough for his teachers. They never raised their expectations or considered whether he was capable of more. With Dylan, the expectations were higher, but again, they were placed by a system that could not look at him as an individual. He was part of a select 'collective'.

They will be who they will be, and at best, they will be who makes them happy. As they explore their widening choices, they gather knowledge, and this knowledge could lead them absolutely anywhere, despite any plans anyone may have fostered for them. It ultimately is their life, and their journey. Free from parental and societal expectations, they can pursue whatever in this world they grow to love.

I have lived in very different circles, from staunch middle-class, to relaxed country-style, to inner-city upper-middle and beyond echelons. What I have witnessed - the consistent focus in all circles - is this drive to push kids. Load them with as many expectations as possible. Their live so full of planned activities they don't have time to 'be'. They are always a combination of something - or several somethings - a student and an athlete, a musician, a dancer, a model, a performer, a chess-player... Any amount of extra-curricular activities keeping them busy, constantly shuttled from one to the other.

The obvious competitiveness between parents also, the 'my kid is so much better than your kid'. It pains me, watching these offspring weighed down by the great race to achieve these parental expectations... I wonder how many have sat down with their children and asked, "What do you love? Where does your passion lie?"

Who are we really, how audacious is our collective belief that our kids MUST be 'somebody', must carry forth the assumption that life is all about being this somebody, fulfilling both societal and parental expectations?

When Dylan decided to enrol at University, I was conflicted. I understood this decision was based on pursuing his passion for technology. Removing him from school had enabled him to fully focus on this passion. I knew he'd be far ahead of those students joining him straight after completing High School so I feared he might face the same boredom, adapting his knowledge growth within yet another structured environment. I feared his 'slowing down', forced to adhere to the collective pace...

'People' were taken aback by his decision. There was a mass sigh - a combined 'Pheew, he's seen the light despite his mother's weirdness' - and also a grudging admiration.

I'd heard "Your children will end up working in a fish and chip shop." I'd heard "You've destroyed their lives, letting them loose, without direction." I'd heard some rather nasty allegations regarding my parenting.

Yet these same people now lauded Dylan, patted him on the back and welcomed him - as though he'd been an outcast returning to the fold...

So yeah, part of me had wished for a different decision. Backpack and mobile phone, I had envisioned him taking off, travelling to distant places, immersing his mind in the many diverse cultures... I understood though this was me, this was my dream for him. Much as his decision was the dream of others in his life...

Both my sons are finding their way. The communal focus has now shifted to Marcus, already he and I are feeling the pressure, the expectation he will follow in Dylan's footsteps... He looks at me sometimes, his eyes a silent "Do I have to?"

I shake my head. He smiles, his body relaxes and he continues whatever editing project he's working on.