"Dear Evan Hansen,

Looks like today wasn't such a good day after all.

Even after years the guilt still remains embedded deep in my gut. Almost as if it's apart of me now.

I told myself the feelings would go away, and one day I'll feel better about myself, that I'll forgive myself and everything will be okay.

But they haven't. Nothing is okay.

I can't talk to anyone. No one would listen, or I don't want to bother them.

I'm alone.

I'm always alone nowadays.

I don't have anyone.

No one to read this tell me "That isn't true, you have me and I'll always be there."

But then again, do I really deserve that?

Do I really deserve any sympathy? Love?

No.

I don't.

Mom always says the same thing.

"Anyone can be a good person if they just try, Ev."

Bullshit.

Fucking Bullshit.

It's not true.

It's empty.

An empty promise.

Like when your teacher tells you you can be anything you wanna be, or your grandma says you were born for Hollywood and the limelight.

It's not true.

You'll never make it to Hollywood. You'll most likely never "follow your dreams"

Just like how I'll never be a good person.

I had resorted to happy, upbeat inspirational songs to liven my mood.

It didn't work for long. After a while I still felt empty.

Somethings missing. I know it is.

Something isn't there that should be. An empty, gaping hole that is begging to be filled by something. Anything.

But it remains empty.

And so do I.

I don't know why or how but I'm missing something.

I've been thinking dark thoughts lately. Things I haven't thought in a long time.

I begin to wonder

"Would anyone really notice if I just..disappeared one day? Maybe they would, but no one would care."

"Why. I was so kind back then. now look at me. I'm a fucking mess. A freak of nature. I'm awful. Repulsing. Selfish, and unclean. I'm so many things."

I can't even pin down a word. Abusive? Manipulative? Disgusting? Self centered? Narcissistic? Repulsing? Toxic?

There's no other word that can express it other than dirty.

I feel dirty.

Unclean. Impure.

Wrong.

I wonder why I think those things sometimes.

They were so easy to write off or push away before..but now they're so loud.

It rings my ears.

Always knowing exactly what to say drag me down at the moment I feel the slightest better.

"You're a bad person. Why can't you be anything better than a stain that everyone wants so desperately to wipe off and get rid of, but never can? Look at your friends. The poor people you've fooled into believing you're even in the slightest kind, or generous. You manipulative prick."

It's okay though. It's just me.

"They'll all leave eventually. And it's good they do. You poisoned their lives. You just make everything worse. They don't see the mess you are. No one would notice if you just vanished. If they did they'd have a fucking party. They all just want you gone. You're a burden."

"If you stay quiet, no can see the mess you are. You can pretend you're more than this jumble, this mess or broken words, promises, and hopes. You don't have to look at it. Nobody gets to look at it. Nobody has to look at you."

It's like a mantra.

I push them away. They always come back but I try.

Maybe one day this will all change.

If I stay optimistic, maybe things will get better one day. One day I'll be happy.

Depressed.

It's such a harsh word. Too self pitying.

Pity Party.

Accurate. But too soft.

Hurt.

A victims word. I am far from that. I am the abuser. I am the one who made them hurt.

There is no word. No real word.

For now I've settled on Work In Progress.

It's simple. Indifferent.

Like me.

Simple.

Indifferent.

That's all I really can be.

All I really want to be.

I want to be like everyone else.

It's easier that way.

Better that way.

That's all I can say for now. I have classes tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll confront one of the main roots of the guilt.

Tomorrow I'll see Jared Kleinman.

That's why today, tomorrow, and probably everyday for a while wasnt such a good day.

Sincerely,

Your best and dearest friend.

Me."

(Sorry for the short chapter! It's really just kinda filler so I apologize. I hope you enjoyed it anyway!)