• January 10, 2017 •

[ Tim <•> Zach ]

T: so you deleted the message?

Z: what was I supposed to do?

T: you were supposed to not do a lot of things; the first one is deleting the message and the second one is telling me, of all people, about it.

Z: what's that supposed to mean?

T: oh come on...

T: have you forgotten the reputation I have of being a nosy nuisance who loves too much drama for his own good?

Z: no. One can't simply forget that since it's such a dominant part of your personality.

T: exactly. And you told me a secret of this caliber knowing full well that I can't keep my mouth shut.

Z: but if I hadn't told you, you would have found out either way.

Z: since you are a medal worthy nosy nuisance.

T: ...

T: fair enough.

***

T: so let's get everything straight, you confided in me and want me to help you out without snitching up on you.

Z: exactly.

T: sadly, that would require payment.

Z: how much?

T: ...

T: you are actually agreeing to that?

Z: ...

Z: yes?

T: like that's a first. Connor never agreed to pay me even a dollar for all the shit he has put me through. Compared to the mess he cooks up, your situation is like a cup of tea.

Z: and you're still not going to do it for free.

T: ah, is that guilt-tripping I detect?

Z: forget it.

Z: what's the payment?

T: I'm a simple man who loves coffee. Coffee's the payment.

Z: but I wanted to ask Kara out for coffee, not you.

T: ...

T: first of all, that was very rude.

T: I am a great person to hang out with at coffee shops!

T: you want a 10/10 date, man? Look no further, here I am.

Z: ...

T: offering my services for literally no monetary payment.

T: except for the regular a dozen cups of coffee per hour.

***

Z: I feel like a date with you at a coffee shop would be an absolute fail.

T: WHAT?

T: WHY?

T: HOW?

Z: 😂

T: NOOOOOOOOO

T: explain yourself.

Z: if you and your "date" went to a coffee shop, you would literally pay attention only to your coffee.

Z: that would be infuriating for the other party.

T: oh...

***

T: but isn't that the whole point of hang outs?

Z: excuse you?

T: like you leave the other person hanging out? 

Z: oh my Lord...

T: thank you for the earnest respect, dear child.

Z: ...

T: anyway back to what I was saying.

T: like yeah, we're going somewhere together, no biggie, but please keep your chatter hanging out of my earshot.

Z: ...

T: and yes, we bought food but I don't wanna share so kindly hang out.

T: especially if that food is coffee. Timmy doesn't share coffee, not even with the people he loves unconditionally.

Z: I find that hard to believe there would be even one person that you love unconditionally.

T: hey, it's not like that!

T: I love many people unconditionally and what you just said offended me.

Z: give me at least two examples of these nonexistent people that you love unconditionally.

T: well, first there is...

T: ...

T: ...

Z: okay and?

T: ...

T: this wasn't the topic anyway!

Z: suuuuuuuurrrrrrrreeeeee

***

T: on the contrary, I could list down a lot of dating situations that prove my point about that hang out thing. 

T: but something tells me you must have gotten the hang of it.

Z: I get it now.

T: ah finally someone who understands me!

T: I'm so glad I found you, Zach!

Z: no, that's not what I was going to say.

T: ...

T: oh

Z: I meant I get one fact about you that is somewhat linked to the concept of hanging out but not actually to your interpretation of it.

T: ...

T: okay and what's that?

Z: you're definitely going to die single.

***

T: I

T: AM

T: IN

T: TEARS

T: !

T: !

T: !

Z: well...

T: how could you say such a thing to me?

T: HOW COULD YOU?

T: watch my heart lying on the floor in a THOUSAND little fragments...

T: literal smithereens literring up the goddamn carpet!

T: why you gotta go and break my heart like that, ZACHARY?

T: WHYYYYYY?

T: 😭

T: 😭

T: 😭

T: 😭

T: 😭

***

Z: how long will it take for you to stop crying?

T: I'm not crying...

T: I DEFINITLY AM NOT CRYING!

Z: but you're totally mourning your situation. So how long will it take for you to get done with it?

T: just as long as it takes for me to convince myself to fucking SLEEP!!!

Z: oh

Z: forever then.

Z: so I should probably go do something worthwhile...

***

T: hey, you can't leave the chat like this!

T: come back here this instant, Zachary Jonah Smith!!!

T: HEY!1!!

T: I KNOW YOU CAN SEE MY TEXTS!!!1!!1!1!!111

T: Zacharias!!!

Z: my name is not Zacharias.

T: now it is. I'm going to keep calling you Zacharias as your punishment for hurting me so cruelly.

Z: alright then, Timothee.

Z: do as you see fit.

T: ...

T: my name is not TIMOTHEE!1!!

Z: 😂

T: wth kind of a name is that?

T: like did you forget to spell?

Z: 😂

T: DID YOU??!?!?!

Z: google it up, someone famous actually has that name.

T: well, I don't care if the dude's famous!

T: if he doesn't know how to spell Timothy, he can not call himself Timothy.

T: stick with the statistics, dude.

Z: I'm screenshotting this, just so you know.

T: but don't you dare post it anywhere!

Z: why? You scared his fans are gonna come for you?

T: shut up.

***

T: you know what, our deal is severed.

Z: wait, what deal?

T: the whole helping you with your love life situation...

Z: I don't have a love life situation, I just wanted to ask her out for coffee.

T: well, whatever it was you wanted to do, I ain't helping you with that. 

T: and no secrecy protocols either.

Z: what? No...

T: yes.

Z: NO!

T: you said somewhere above that I could do as I see fit so...

t: that's exactly what I'm doing.

Z: that's not what I meant!

T: I'll go tell whoever I want since you are so disrespectful and didn't even pay me.

Z: hey, wait! I swear I won't do anything to upset you again.

Z: just don't blabber it to anyone.

T: too late...

***

Z: Timmy, you don't wanna do this.

T: oh yes I want 🥰

T: so who should I tell?

Z: no one.

Z: please 🙏

T: ah no, I have a whole list.

T: I'm gonna start with Kara.

Z: hell no.

T: hell yes.

T: stop me if you can 😁

***

[ Tim <•> Kara ]

T: do you know, someone whose opinion I used to value a lot just told me I am going to die single.

K: ...

K: oh, so you know now.

K: pity.

T: ...

T: but that made me think of the only other person who I believe would die single.

K: wait, what?

T: unfortunately, fates weren't in my favor.

K: who did you mean by the only other person who would die single!?!

T: easy Supergirl, I'm not a part of y'all's speedster club. Hear me out first.

K: ...

K: I have a bad feeling about this.

T: oh you're totally right.

T: this is bad.

T: VERY bad.

K: the Steph dumped you kind of bad?

T: no, good heavens, nooooo

T: what would I do if that happened!

K: jump off a cliff ig?

K: so that you do end up dying single?

T: ...

T:NOooOoooOOooOOooOoO

***

T: but when I really think about it, Steph dumping me wouldn't be that bad of a situation.

T: like I know I'm a horrible person, bugs me why we're still dating.

K: so you're kind of expecting her to dump you any second now?

T: well...

T: it would be a nightmare but yeah.

T: I'm mentally prepared.

K: okay bud, best of luck on that.

***

T: wait, you're wishing me luck on getting a break up?

T: what kind of a friend are you?

K: oh, you considered me a friend?

K: I definitely had no idea.

T: ...

***

K: what is it, coffee thief? I know you won't text me without a reason.

T: ah I almost forgot about that.

T: thanx for reminding me.

K: and what was that you meant by fates not being in your favor or something?

T: tbh, the fates are never in my favor and I have somehow gotten used to it.

K: spit it out or I'm blocking you.

T: alright fine! You Supers are hella impatient too, just sayin'

K: Tim, either youtalk or you walk the plank.

T: yeah, I was getting to that!

T: if Zachary asks you out, don't say yes.

K: ...

***

K: how do you know he asked me out?

T: how do you know? He deleted the message!

K: he doesn't know I have super speed, I saw before he deleted it.

T: ooooooh

T: but take my advice, don't go out with him.

K: I feel like you're up to some shady business.

T: Kara, I repeat.

T: don't ever go out with him.

K: ah I see what you're doing.

K: you're making sure that I also die single.

T: what?

T: oh no...

T: you caught me haha

T: b y e.

K: wtf is wrong with you?

K:Tim?

***

Calling...

Zacharias

00:00

"Pay up, Zacharias, she's definitely gonna go out with you if you get the guts to ask her out again."

"Wait what? Didn't you revoke the deal or something?"

"You accepting this favor or not?"

"..."

"Hey! Speak up or forget about it!"

"Yeah sure, okay. Thanks."

"Remember your end of the bargain. I need my coffee."

"Yeah I know, don't worry. But just how did you manage to make sure about that? Like did you tell her or say something to convince her?"

"Nah, ain't got no time for that."

"Then how are you so sure that she won't say no?"

"I used reverse psychology. Works all the time. Now buh-bye. I gotta fix my life before it completely falls to shambles. You have fun hanging out."

Call Ended.

Timothee

00:00:08

***