The next morning Lionel got up early and ran down to the supermarket to buy some fresh oysters for the mermaid's breakfast, some haddock for her lunch and some sole for their supper. The Chinese takeaway was open early today for the fisher folk, so he bought a box of crispy seaweed as well. 

The sun shone brightly through a sea mist and Lionel felt unaccountably happy. Only the sight of the police patrol car parked near the harbour cast a cloud over his mood. P.C. Figgis was in it, and wound down the window.

"I'm on to you," said P.C. Figgis menacingly. Lionel ignored him and walked on. "You watch your step," the constable called out to Lionel's retreating back.

Once Lionel was out of sight, Figgis drove off. A stranger dressed in what looked like a tattered naval uniform tried to flag him down.

"What do you want?" Figgis called out.

"A lift to Kasteldrog, if you're going that way," the stranger requested. 

"No, you may not have a lift. I am in a hurry."

"I should be indebted to you for a lift part-way, as I am weary and a stranger in these parts," the stranger persisted. "Will you not help an old naval officer fallen on hard times? Perhaps I may be of assistance to you, who knows?"

"Do you imagine I am a taxi service? You can walk there for all I care!" Figgis exclaimed, and with that he sped off.

When Lionel got back the mermaid did not answer his knock. Quietly opening the bathroom door he saw that she was asleep, her head resting on the bath sponge and her breasts rising and falling gently with her slow breathing, her tail twitching occasionally. Her face was impossibly beautiful. He set down the oysters, the haddock and the crispy seaweed on the bath stool and went back out again.

It was time for work. It was not a busy time of year so he decided he would take the completed accounts and draft tax return to Captain Kipper of the Saucy Jellyfish. Lionel was very proud of these accounts because he had solved the barnacle problem, and a chat with Captain Kipper was always a pleasure.

The Saucy Jellyfish was moored near The Frothy Coffee With a Bit of Coffee and Quite a Lot of Milk Café. Lionel sat down at his usual table outside, ordered two coffees, macchiato so that they wouldn't be too milky, and waited. He noticed a man in an oversized raincoat sitting at the next table reading a newspaper, but thought nothing of it.

Captain Kipper was every bit the archetypal fisherman, with his ruddy face, large trousers and navy blue polo-neck sweater. "Ahoy there, Leo!" he addressed Lionel loudly before plonking himself down on one of the thin metal chairs, which creaked slightly. The man in the oversized raincoat looked over the top of his newspaper and then continued reading. The front page headline read, "Marina development approved."

They went over the accounts together, but this did not take long because Captain Kipper frankly did not understand accounts and he trusted Lionel to do a proper job. The barnacle issue he understood was a good thing, but he would not have been able to explain it to anyone five minutes later. The man in the oversized raincoat ordered another coffee.

"Well now, me lad, how are things with 'ee these days?" Captain Kipper enquired.

"Well," began Lionel, lowering his voice, "there's a small problem I'd like your advice on, strictly between you and me."

Captain Kipper smiled knowingly. "Ah harr!" he said, "you have finally fallen in love." 

Lionel was startled. "What makes you say that?"

"You have a twinkle in your eye that I h'ain't see before, and you have a problem, which is a rare thing with 'ee. So tell me all about it!"

"Well," began Lionel, not quite knowing how to begin, "thinking back it might have been when I ticked the box on the form."

"Form?"

"Yes, that must have been it. Someone came to the door with a form asking for a donation to the Marine Environmental Rescue Mission or MERM Aid. She was a sweet looking young woman and you know how sometimes you do things just to get a smile, so I gave a donation and ticked the box agreeing to receiving further information."

"Donations to mermaids, is it? So you're in love with this young woman and don't know what to do about it, is that it, me salty lad?"

"Not that young woman, although come to think of it there was a remarkable resemblance. No," and here Lionel dropped his voice further because the man with the oversized raincoat was still there, "there is a mermaid in my bath."

"Mermaid?" said Captain Kipper, rather too loudly. "Have you been drinking too much o' that Caribbean rum?"

"Maybe I ticked the wrong box and they have sent me a mermaid," whispered Lionel. Captain Kipper looked thoughtful.

Lionel put down enough money on the table to cover both their coffees and tugged Captain Kipper by the sleeve. "Let's go," he said.

As they got up to go Lionel noticed out of the corner of his eye that the man in the oversized raincoat had also got up. "Who is that man?" he asked. 

"Arr," said the Captain, "that be Henry Sinister, private eye. On a case, no doubt."

***

A note to the author from Jel E. Fish

Dear Marzine

Good chapter - especially the rather brilliant bit about the form!

Teehee

Jel E. Fish

***

A note from the author

Dear Fishy Affishionados,

I need to add the following sentence, highlighted below in bold, to the end of the relevant paragraph of chapter 5.

"The man with in the oversized raincoat looked over the top of his newspaper and then continued reading. The front page headline read, "Marina development approved." "

That's because I haven't fully figured out the plot yet and the present tends to influence the past, contrary to what most people think.

On another topic, one of my correspondents, Ann Chovy, suggested that P.C. Figgis can't have been loved properly as a baby which is why he is so bad-tempered, and so he needs to be taken in hand by a voluptuous woman. I must say I had originally assumed that all the bad guys would be properly routed, but then there are some comedies in which a happy ending for all concerned is possible - or maybe that only happens in Gilbert and Sullivan operas. Well it's better than all those mad Italian operas where everyone dies miserably owing to mulitple misunderstandings. Since this is a British story I think it is only right that the worst effects of multiple misunderstandings should be that various characters' trousers fall down revealing spotty boxer shorts. We are, after all, a cultured nation.

Anyway, I am currently working on the Figgis problem.

Any further comments are welcome, although I do not guarantee to include them if they are contrary to British decency or infringe any provisions of the Underwater Pastimes Act (Tiddlywinks Amendment) of 1863.  

In the next chapter the mermaid gets arrested. I just hope I don't paint myself into a corner with this. It's going to be awfully tricky to get all this sorted out, and it's getting more complicated by the minute.

love,

Mordred Mevagissey 

***

A note from Myfanwy

Hello Denizens of the Deep,

Morton Murgatroyd has no idea what he's doing, does he? He's making it up as he goes along. I hope he really does have guidance from a goddess because otherwise this is going to end up a right muddle. 

Between you and me, I expect a happy ending, but I can quite see how it could all go wrong. 

You know what I think? I think some sad endings are where the stroyteller has got lost and just decides to end it any-old-where because they're too lazy to do it properly. That's what.*

Defiantly,

Myfanwy

xoxoxo

***

Footnote by Professor Neville Twistytrouser, Warden of St Doris College, Oxford: 

* Tragedy does have a place in culture. It's just that it doesn't make you smily. More a sort of catharsis (from the Greek katharisteria, meaning the dry cleaners).

***