xvii.

A S P I D I S K E (shield)

Spending time with Tara feels surreal; kissing her feels surreal. The moments I spent with her would be treasured for forever, deep down in my heart. Until I knew things were certainly going to tumble down the next day.

Tara was going to be operated the next day, when the realization hits my heart, I cannot help but feel nothing one moment, and then suddenly, I feel everything. I feel too much alive, that every cell in my body breathes out fire, and I'm gasping because I want this to be unreal. The darkness is pulling me in, and all I can hear is my dad's voice going I love you, and I'm proud of you but I've to go; Shaurya's voice going Please tell Anvi that I love her but I've to go; Tara's voice going I love you and I'll never leave you.

[Never.

Leave.

You.]

I enter the room with a smile, as I bring up the tray with two cups filled with Latte upto my face to cover it. From the corner of my eyes I see how her health has deteriorated; a haphazard blockade creates in my head thinking, at what point did her health begin to worsen so much? And then I realize, it was since the very beginning when I saw her vomitting her guts out, it was then when I noticed.

And it was already too late then.

"Why are you looking at me as if I'm an animal kept in the zoo?" Tara asks with a wistful chuckle, as she closes her eyes. I wonder if the vision in eye is lost completely because it was getting worse over the week after the Charity Ball we had been.

No you're not. I want to tell her. You're not some animal kept in zoo but you're my Bellatrix, you're my female warrior made of stars and diamonds and gold, and not even God can keep you away from me.

"You can't even see me," I retort, keeping the tray on the nightstand. Tara simply looks away because she knows. She knows that I know her better than herself. She doesn't have to lie to me now. "You can't see me."

"It's good that I don't have to see you cry." She smiles and my heart slightly shatters. It has happened a million times to it, and yet it never learns how to not shatter.

"I'm not crying." I rebuke, wiping away my tears violently. "I don't even have tear glands in my body." Laughing, I hoist myself onto his bed, dangling my feet with hers. All I want to do is cuddle with her and pretend that everything's okay. That tomorrow is going to be just another ordinary day.

But it's not that way.

"Do you realize," she begins, her breath grazing my cheek gracefully, her voice only audible because it is treacherously close to my ear. "The first time we met, you saved me from falling? You, kind of, saved me from dying?"

"Do you realize that the first time we met, you almost did a suicidal thing to yourself by going for abseiling?" I ask in return, my fingertips tracing patterns on her skin.

"Do you realize you're always saving me? That you're a shield for me. Only you can let me go."

"Maybe," I sigh, laying a kiss atop of her head, and letting myself touch her fragile skin which seemed bereft of health and warmth. "Remember when I told you to never leave me?" I hear Tara nod at the statement, as she looks at me in wonderment. Her face tells me that she knows what I want to say.

[Never.

Let.

Me.

Go.]

"You can let me go." I tell her, and she looks at me shock. Until she realizes what I actually want to say, that I'll still love you in spite of everything, even if you leave me, I will love you because you're you, no one and no one can take your place in my life.

"Shall I compare thee to a shooting star?" I ask, and I feel her tears on the material of trousers which covers my thigh. And once I try to stop them, they begin to rain down in torrents. "Because you're moving so fast that I can't keep up. And neither I can stop chasing."

An intense silence follows as our hearts begin to bleed tears. I hold onto her, my lips touching hers slightly. I do not press them onto hers, just keep them on hers to just let her know that I'm there for her, and that she is not alone even for a moment even if she decides to leave me. That she'll lose me only, and only if I lose her. That there's nothing in between for us; it's all or nothing.

And it's just all from my side.

"You're making me cry. I hate you so much," she laughs, yanking at her sleeves to wipe away her tears. "But I love you more, because you're making me feel that death can be beautiful."

Giving a twitch on her nose, I fight back my tears and say, "Death is ugly and horrible and cruel. It's anything but beautiful and I know it because I've seen people dying. But it might bring you peace, and the last thing I want is you to suffer because of me. Because of my promises of forever. I want you to be happy, even if it's for an incredibly short span of time. I just want you to be happy and okay."

Tara gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. "I want you to be happy too, and thank you for this, Virat." she replies, her eyes showing that a massive boulder was lifted off her heart. She lifts her head from my shoulder and looks at me, a certain question lingering in her eyes.

I stop crying for a moment, and rub the sleeves on ym shoulder to dry it all, "You can sleep in my arms if you want to." I say, clearing her doubts.

"Thank you." A shimmer takes me eye as her eyes and lips reply to me silently this time as she falls.

•••

My legs wobble when we reach the hospital for the surgery. Tara spends her entire time trying to convince her dad that she was going to be fine as Tara's dad had chickened out at the last moment.

Well, I had not 'chickened' out, if 'henned' out could be a term to cover it up.

There was so much uncertainity in the world, but the last thing I wanted was to let these thoughts on uncertainity turn into insecurity which could be reflected in my eyes. Because I'd learnt in my life that like our lives, stories can't just end in the middle.

After a lot of convincing, Tara leaves her dad and moves towards the OT. When opens the door of the OT, I can feel my heart getting gashed and guaged. I de-age into a child when I enter the room. "I'm scared." I breathe out in a hushed whisper. "I know we've talked about this moment a thousand times but now when I'm living it, I feel terrified, Tara. You might not be in my life after this..."

Tara strokes her hand against my cheeks, and makes me look into her eyes. Eyes in which resides my entire universe. Eyes that made me fall in love with her, head over heels. Eyes I want to wake up next to forever. "Remember I'm a warrior. Your warrior. You're my first strength, Virat. I'm going to fight like hell for this. I'm not going to die. I promise you that."

"You can't promise that!" I complain, and I sound like a child.

Tara shakes her head, "I can promise you that. I can promise you a now, and that's what I'm promising you, Virat. I'm not going to die today. Itne jaldi peecha nahi chodungi. You'll see these eyes waking up because I'm going to wake up to tell you how much I love you."

I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to be your endgame, I want to reply but I bite down my words knowing these words have no significance now.

Instead, I place my lips against hers, hesitating not even once, capturing her breath in my own. She kisses me back, knocking off her conscience as she leans forward. My nose grazes against her cheeks, and my thumb stokes the other as I whisper her an I love you. A cold realization floods right through me then, this might be our last kiss.

"No shut up, and live this." Tara breathes against my lips, her hands threading through my hair. I reluctantly nod, trying to grasp every part of it and treating it as if it were the most delicate thing ever.

"Sorry to interrupt, but it's time to operate..." Jatin intervenes, resulting in Tara shooting him a death glare.

"Um, okay." I reply, embarrassed. Turning to Tara, I raise an eyebrow at her, "You better not die on me, Miss. Tara Dobriyal."

"I won't. I've already promised that."

"Remember this forever," With that I leave the room, letting our fate decide if it's her promises of forever, or the practicality of her disease.