viii.

M I M O S A (flinch)

Heartbreak.

I never knew what exactly heartbreak was.

But now, I knew.

It feels like your heart is being pressed into this small box where it cannot fit in. It feels like your heart is falling apart at the seams in an excruciatingly slow pace, and you wouldn't realize this until the last second. And when you actually do, it's too late. Your heart has already bled out, already fragmented into a thousand infinitesimal splincters which pierce right through your chest.

The worst part is that I could physically feel it.

I collapse against the seat of my car, and peered at my reflection in the mirror. I could only hear the defeaning roar in my ears amidst the silence. Perception. What people saw in the mirror was a lavish, rich lucky cricketer, playing for India. But what I saw was a broken guy with a heart made of granite.

"So what do you see in me?"

"Everything, Virat. Everything."

If at all Tara saw everything, then why couldn't she this? That her running away had left me broken beyond repair. I wonder how could one change so sudden in the course of a night. Maybe Tara never cared for me but I was just deluded into thinking that she did.

After all, I was nothing special, and love is just momentary.

-

When I'm resting on the arm chair, I realize I have something left in my hotel room. It was Tara's scarf which she had probably left last night when we were star gazing. I didn't want to actually visit her place, but there is this irrational part inside me which would go to any extent to see her enticing smile. I decide to call her before I go, and so dial her number.

"Hello?" Hearing her voice makes my heart ache.

"Tara," my voice comes out so coarse that it would be difficult to judge that it was indeed my voice. "You left your scarf yesterday. It's lying on my bed."

"Oh," she breathes out a sigh. "But I'm kind of unwell today -"

"- I will drop it by your house." I offer with a small smile although she cannot see me. There's stoic silence at the other end for a second, and I wonder if Tara is trying to contemplate what she had done to me. Or maybe her silence was a way to ask are you okay, Virat?

"Are you -" I cut the call before she could complete her question.

-

When I enter Tara's house, the last thing I expected was the door being flung open and the chilly wind blowing through it, inside the house. Shrugging on my jacket, I close the door shut and that's when I hear giggles. I walk towards Tara's bedroom when I see Tara a little too lost in Jatin's eyes.

"You've no idea how much I love you, Tara." he sighs romantically while a smile playing on Tara's lips.

"I love you too, Jatin." I roll my eyes at their PDA because it felt a little too fake. But I play along, furrowing my eyebrows at them. "Oh Virat, I didn't you were at the door." she giggles at me, and struts forward in my direction.

"I think I should go now, I really don't fancy being a bone here." Jatin laughs, then gives a pat on my shoulder playfully and leaves us alone.

"You heard everything?" Tara asks in an apologetic tone, as if it wasn't meant for me to see.

"I did," I quirk my lips, and give her the scarf. "Here it is. I think I should leave now, considering that your boyfriend and you must be looking forward to spend some alone time, huh?" Tara's eyes are downcast as I speak that.

"Yeah, Jatin and I are dating. We are very much in love." she says, and I don't even bother pointing out that she's not looking into my eye as she says that white lie.

"That's great," I play it cool, then turn back to leave.

"Virat?" Tara's voice doesn't stop me from walking towards the door. "Virat?" This time the voice is so soft that I change my mind, and turn around to face her. Her eyes meet mine, and my breath is still taken away. "Are you okay?"

"Does it matter?" I snap at her. "Does it matter to you if I'm okay or I'm broken?"

"It does," she cries, and the very next moment, her arms link behind my neck. Without a fight this time, I lean against her shoulder. "I'm so sorry for running away yesterday. I didn't know how you would react after knowing about Jatin and I -"

At that instant, I push her away and chuckle dryly, "Jatin and you? What Jatin and you, Tara? That you purposely left the door open so that I run into you, and see you two saying fake I love yous to each other." Tara's mouth is left agape, as she fights back her tears by crinkling her eyes. "You broke my heart yesterday, and I was okay with it. Why are you crushing the broken shards now?" I question her with a bitter smile, and grab her by her wrist. "I can see it in your eyes, you love me, Tara."

Tara flinches, and retreats her hand back as she spits out her words like a vicious venom, "I don't love you." Her gaze is so cold, so frosted that just for a second, I'm unable to identify that she is the same girl I fell in love with. Screwing her eyes shut, she points a finger at me as she warns, "And don't you ever fucking act like you own me. Because you don't."

"You're so in love with me, Tara Dobriyal. And nothing can change it. You know why? Because there's already an expected ending etched into our timelines. You cannot change that. I cannot change that. But I will wait for it. I will." I say sternly, linking my hand around her waist. I cannot help but wonder how the curve of her waist fits so perfectly in the palm of my hand.

Tara cries, "You cannot wait, Virat. No one can ever wait for that long. I'm so sorry."

"How long Tara? Just tell me, I will wait for you." I tell her, bringing her for an embrace.

"Can you?" she sobs against my chest, incredulity etched in her voice, and then racks her head in denial. "Can you wait till I swim across a frozen ocean for you?"

I feel too little, and too much when she poses the question. I try to contemplate what is the in-between in her statement - the hidden meaning, a conundrum of jigsaw pieces I wanted to solve. But sometimes people hide their secrets so well that you have to break them in order to know their secrets, in order to solve those missing pieces.

I can't break Tara. She's too fragile.

"I don't know, Tara. All I know is that I love you." I answer, hugging her tighter.

Slowly, she pushes me away from her and says, "Friendship is all I have to offer you now, Virat."

"Okay." I smile dejectedly. I can hear someone's heart shattering, I don't know if it's my heart or hers.

But it still shatters.

-

Painted smiles, kaleidoscopic eyes, fake laughs: three things which might help you get over your heartbreak. For the world. While inside I keep on thinking about the hows and whys, and submerging myself in the turbulent waters over and over again.

Tara and I however continue seeing each other. It's just that we don't talk anymore, we just speak. Snappy short sentences instead of sweetly fabricated deep lines.

"This place looks good enough for you to buy," Tara says, looking around the house. It looked good though. Geometric, with square-cut windows with metallic rims, the walls being vivid shades of blue. A dark maroon coffee table, a wooden case, and a large S shaped couch comprising the furniture. And the floor was concrete.

So was my heart, now broken.

"I guess, this is it then," I say to the house-broker. "I will buy this. Thank you for helping."

"It was a pleasure working for you, Virat Sir." the man replies back with a smile gracing his lips.

"Okay, so I will pay you a visit tomorrow. By that time you get the paper work ready." I tell him, and he gives me a nod of approval. Turning to Tara, I say stoically, "Let's leave then?" Tara seemed too lost in her thoughts, so I snap my fingers in front of her face. "Let's go?"

"Yeah, let's go." her voice seems full of clogged emotions, full of unspoken words which I've always wanted to hear; dying to hear.

"Do you want to say something?" I ask softly.

She passes me a smile, "Nothing."

-

Concrete silence; we don't speak a word to each other when we are back at my new place to refurbish the simple house. All we have been trying to do is fixing the pieces of the house while we are the ones who are shattered, broken, splintered.

I hate her. I hate her so much.

But I love her infinitely more, so much that the deep hatred I contain within myself seems infinitely small.

She doesn't look my way, I don't look her way either because I simply can't when I know that her eyes make my heart flutter and ache at the same time.

The silence seems metastatizing for sometime, draining my body off every single ounce of oxygen so that it is painfully vaccum now. I look at her eyes again, and see how the stars which I used to adore in her eyes have vanished, leaving a skeleton sunken city behind. Her eyes meet mine again.

Seeing that, I look away again.

It has become a toxic, painful, vicious cycle now. Not fixing but only shattering.

"Virat," Tara breaks the concrete silence, and oxygen seems to rush inside my body again.But it only jolts me as the flower vase which was at the tip of my fingers a minute ago, slips, the glass shattering on the white tiles.

Tara flinches looking at the shards of the glass, "I'm so sorry for breaking the vase, Virat." I'm so sorry for breaking your heart, Vir -

"Stop!" I breathe out incessantly, and regret immediately hearing her choke a sob. "You want to say something?"

"Yeah, I want to tell you something..." she begins hesitantly, making my heart race.

I look at her empathetically, calmness reclaiming on the contours of my face. "You can share anything with me, Tara. You know that."

Tara takes a step towards me, and places a moon and star locket on the palm of my hand. "I got this for you because this reminds me so much of ourselves."

"It's beautiful." I say, and I mean it. But that superficial star doesn't matter anymore. The real one does. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, just promise me that you'll take care of yourself Virat." I hide my hand behind, noticing the blood that grazes my skin. She saw. "You'll think about yourself before anyone else, not blame yourself for anything wrong that happens in your life or others' life."

"- What happened, Tara? -"

"- no Virat, just promise me that you will -"

"- wait a minute Tara. Why are you saying all this?"

Tara's finger grazes my lips, "Shh. You ask so many questions and never listen to anyone." she laughs at me before shaking her head at me. "Just remember my words." Saying so, she turns around to leave. As she walks back, I only wait for her to turn around which she does. Something about her seemed off the entire day. And the way she waves me her goodbye promised me a forever, but also brings a tear or two straying off my eyes.

And yet I think to myself, I will wait for you, Tara. I will wait for your love. I will wait till you cross that frozen ocean.