I finally found a way to describe the way I feel.
Too much.
It's as if someone drew me onto a mirror and when they tried to wipe me away they only spread me out more.
Too much.
Everything I feel seems invalid because of my weight.
That no one believes me, they think I'm a joke.
They look at me and laugh when they hear I have an eating disorder.
They laugh because I'm not underweight.
I laugh too.
But it's a sharp sound that rings through my ears like like knifes on a cutting board.
Cutting deep.
They must think I'm a joke.
I can't be sick, can I?
Surely not.
I'm just some stupid girl who has focused too much on herself...
I'm selfish.
I'm this shitty person.
I make everyone else feel like shit and I wish I could just go away.
im sorry I've ruined everything you have ever loved about me.
i ruined it thinking you would love me even more.
and now you don't love me at all.