Here I am at 3:30 AM
Stuck with the way I feel, it hurts but I've gotten by
How? I don't really know
It's kinda sick the way my mind works
I get jealous when my friends lose weight
I feel personally attacked when my friends talk about their weight even if they're bigger than me
Because to me
I'll always be bigger than everyone
It's an insult
"Maddie and her stupid ass tiny waist."
"Maddie's over here, being a skinny bitch."
"How does someone be hot, have a great body, and a good personality? Be Maddie? Gotcha."
It's not suppose to hurt me
But goddamn it does
It feels like my legs are numb half the time and my throat is closed up and I'm going to suffocate
I really wish sometimes that on Valentine's Day, I hadn't second guessed myself.
Or even last week, that I wouldn't have told my best friend how badly I wanted to relapse.
I needed it but it's every-time I go to someone, I get talked out of it
As much as I love my friends, I need to learn how to deal with this on my own
I need to deal with the constant pit inside of that is telling me all these things
"You're not sick."
"This is all just a mind game and you're just emotionally fucked up."
"Stop eating completely, no one cares enough to notice and stop you."
"You're not even underweight, you're just a fat fuck and that's all you'll ever fucking be."
And it's a cycle of everyday I go through
My emotions lay flat
My eyes are glazed
I have no energy
Even if I'm happy, there's this underlying sense of hurt and it makes it way into my mind and goddamn it's hard to not cry in front of people who will not understand.
It's hard to look my mom in the face and tell her I don't want the food I just mentioned all throughout the store because the calorie amount scares me.
It's hard to listen to my dad brag about being the same weight he was in seventh grade and ask stupid questions such as,"Aren't you suppose to eat 10,000 calories a day."
It's hard when you were my biggest supporter and now you're telling me I'm not even bad.
I was always scared you'd see me the way I see myself
"You're not underweight."
"You don't need it."
"You're not even that bad."
It's hard living everyday when I just want to unzip myself from this body.
I hate it so damn much.