I'm only getting worse 

Half the time it feels like I'm suffocating

Like I'm holding my breath waiting for something

Waiting for recovery 

But maybe I don't want to recover 

I don't want to have to admit to the way I feel 

I don't want help

Every chance I get I'm checking something

Whether it's messing with measurements

Looking into a mirror

Grabbing my tummy 

It makes me regret 

Regret the meals I've eaten, every meal too

I tried dieting but my willpower is too low 

The only thing that I have the willpower to do is to die 

And that is not an option, unfortunately 

Eating more only leaves me bloated and full

Too full to eat the next time I'm supposed to

Perhaps it's not the food that makes my legs feel so heavy

Maybe it's the feeling of disappointment

The thought of gaining weight 

It terrifies me 

I'm scared

I know what I do is bad 

But I can't help it 

The feeling of food kills me

It's poison

Only I'm not dead

Yet