Present

I don't know why I always do this to myself. Maybe it's partly to do with all those years that my family put me down and used my weight to insult me or maybe it's because the girls on magazines set unrealistic goals. Either way, I want a body like them. Being shorter than average doesn't help my case either because all your weight is spread through a smaller area. Tall people don't know how lucky they have it. I mean all the famous models are thin, tall and perfect. That's the aim at least, though this is probably the most painful way to do it.  I might seem perfectly healthy to a spectator and from the outside I am. On the inside, however, it's a different story. It's a constant battle with my mind where I occasionally starve myself and then binge because I get cravings.

But that makes you feel guilty. All those days not eating and then you eat it all at once. You throw it up because you don't want to backtrack your progress, you want to keep feeling empty because somehow it makes you feel stronger. 

So I'm in my aunties bathroom. The tiles are stone cold like they know what I'm going to do. I use my left hand to push my hair back and the other hand I use to make my gag reflex kick in action. I know it's not healthy but a girl's got to do what a girl's go to do. And it all comes out - I'll spare you a description, probably best for the both of us if I do. The acid pumps out and it burns my throat. Hunched over a toilet as heat spread throughs me,  I keep going until there's nothing left to give.

Looking in the mirror I see a girl. Broken. She has puffy red eyes drowning in tears and she has an innocence that no one sees. Maybe if someone did she'd be okay. What she sees is fat in the wrong places and a body that no one would want to love. But the mistake we regularly make is to believe that your complexion determines who you are. It doesn't. If only she knew that her soul was enough to make anyone fall in love.

I'm such a hypocrite.

A/N

I hope that if any of you are suffering from anything like this, be it Anorexia, Bulimia, Body Dysmorphia etc, you know that someone someday will love you for your intelligence and humour and inner beauty. You just have to wait for all the good things in life.

Thank you for reading, it means a lot.

- M -