In the weeks that followed life moved on similar to how it was before Lay and i had confessed to one another. I made my appearances at dinners and group events making sure not to ignore Lay which in one breath was hard because being that close to him and trying to act like nothing was wrong was painful and exhausting, but at the same time i had missed Lay, and it did kind of feel nice to be beside him.

One day all of Exo was sitting around in the living room, watching Baekhyun and Chen have an argument over the importance of eyeliner. Honestly those two always argued over the weirdest things, and it was always entertaining to watch.

Suddenly the couch dipped down next to me and i looked over to find a smiling Lay, those dimples got me every time... 'how can you have this effect on me?' i ask myself as my breath quickens and my heart hums like it always did when he smiled at me like that, i swallowed roughly and turned my attention back to ChenBeak.

I felt something touch my shoulder and noticed that Lay had placed his head on it. I bit my lip but push down the feelings trying my best to focus on anything but Lay's head on my shoulder.

My eyes connected with Tao's for a second, before he sighed heavily and looked away causing me to briefly wonder what was wrong with him, his mood just seems off lately. I found D.O. next and he gave me a small sympathetic smile, then whispered something to Kai who looked over at me and nodded.

"Hey Lay, do you want to help me out with a dance move i've been struggling on?" Kai ask's over the loud bickering of ChenBeak.

Lay smiles brightly and jumps off the couch leaving my shoulder cold and wanting.

"Can I come too hyungs?" Sehun asks bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Lay laughs and hooks his arm through Sehuns pulling him down the hall.

I smile lightly at Kai as he passes me heading after the boys, he gives me a small assuring squeeze on the shoulder, giving me a glimmer of strength.

D.O. comes over to sit beside me "you doing ok?" and i just nod in response causing him to sigh exasperated "how long are you going to be able to keep this up?" he asks "i mean this isn't going to end well for anyone, so why let this keep going?"

"What do you want me to do D.O.? This is the only way to make sure he stays safe and happy" i say feeling helpless.

"But at what cost is this to your happiness Suho?" he asks truly sounding concerned.

"He has a point Su, seriously if you want to be with him, then just be with him, it's not exactly a difficult concept" Xuimin says from the next couch and i realize that i had become the center of attention, even Chen and Baekhyun are listening intently.

'Of course... now you guys listen' I say scoffing at them in my head.

"It's not that easy guys, you know how hard i have to fight the managers to lay off of you guys" i say motioning to D.O., Chanyeol, and Baekhyun.

"You mean you stand up for us?" D.O. asks sounding confused.

"Well i mean there are things i have no control over, especially when you guys go a little to far, but there are some times when you are innocently touching each other in public, where i have to tell the managers that it's just friendly and the fans need a little skin-ship... I don't want that for Lay, where we can't even hug each other in public without judgment and warnings... He deserves better" i look up to meet Beakhyun's eyes.

"Okay, I'm going to send some honesty your way Su... it's hard, it really is, and truthfully there are days when I'm forced to stay away from Yollie all day, and i feel like we will never be able to actually be together..." He stops talking for a second and smiles at Chanyeol "but then there are moments when I'm wrapped up in his arms at night or he places a small kiss on my lips that makes it all worth it, because i know that's where i belong." Chanyeol walks over to Baekhyun and sits behind him wrapping his arms around his waist "i love Chanyeol so much, that it doesn't matter if i only have seconds or hours with him, knowing that he is mine, and i am his makes everything worth while" Baekhyun turns around and kisses Chanyeol on the lips showing the depth of the love these two share.

I take Baek's words in, would it all be worth it in the end? could i really commit Lay to being a secret? "I don't know guys" and the whole room erupts into groans at my words.

"Come on Suho, we just want what's best for you, we want you to be happy" Xiumin says his eyes sparking with concern and support.

I take a deep calming breath "and what's best for me is what best for Exo, if you guys are happy, then i'm happy"

Another round of groans powered its way through the room and suddenly a pillow landed against the side of my head, i look up to see Chen inches from my face staring at me with overdramtaic anger "quit being stupid and think about yourself for once" he yelled and stomped out of the room.

Chanyeol started laughing and chucked another pillow in Chen's direction "oh come on you troll, try to be sympathetic"

"What are we being sympathetic about?" Lay asks coming into the room.

I swear in that moment the whole room stopped breathing, as they waited for me to reply "oh just Chen's constant refusal to use eyeliner" Baekhyun interjected and i threw a thankful glance his way.

"I don't know Chen has pretty eyes, he doesn't really need it" Xiumin suggests.

"Ugh, are you suggesting that my eyes aren't pretty?" Baekhyun asks offended.

Xiumin crosses his legs and smirks "i'm not suggesting it, i'm saying it outright"

I couldn't help the giggle that passes my lips at Xiumin's bitchy side and watched as he continued to bicker with Baekhyun. Lay once again sat down beside me and for some reason i felt slightly better, to the point where i actually found myself smile at him.

Lay gave me that perfect dimpled smile and grabbed my hand making my heart speed up "do you want to go out for dinner" he suggests.

"Ooh where?" Chanyeol asks completely detached from his boyfriends argument with Xiumin.

Lay looks up at him almost glaring, but i answer for him not wanting to be left alone with Lay like i knew he was wanting. "how about the place down the street" i suggest.

"Oh, the one with the garlic chicken?" Xiumin asks completely focused on the mention of food.

"Oh. my. god. Do you ever stop eating?" Baekhyun whinnes dramatically throwing himself back in the chair.

"Be careful Bacon, i might just eat you next... oh wait that's your bitch's job" Xiumin says smirking and winking at Chanyeol, who blushes bright red and hides behind Baekhyun.

Baekhyun turns red and locks his jaw before screaming loudly at a pitch most men shouldn't be able to reach "MY NAME IS NOT BACON"

The room erupts into fits of laughter and by the time we decided to head to the restaurant Baekhyun is seething, and my sides hurt from laughing.

"I want some type of noodle" D.O. says looking over the menu as we sat at the restaurant.

"No man, i want some chicken" Xiumin says flipping the menu over scanning for his favorite dish.

"Ooh, Suho, do you want to share a bowl of noodles with me like we normally do?" Lay asks with childlike excitement.

I can't help but laugh "sounds good XingXing" i say before catching his eyes.

A bit of surprise flashes through his eyes and he smiles at me "it's been forever since you've called me that" he says tears brimming up in his eyes.

I suck in a small breath "don't cry" i say grabbing a napkin and blotting at his eyes.

"I'm fine, it just felt good to hear" he said pushing my hand away before grabbing it and giving it a light squeeze.

"So when is our group vacation?" Chen suddenly asks pulling Lay and me out of our own world

"It starts on Wednesday of next week" i say "but we have to work extra hard at practice and get that new dance down before hand"

"Ah, no problem" Kai says laughing.

"For you" Chanyeol complains biting into a piece of bread. "You and Lay are the two who have this in the bag, the rest of us are going to be zombies before vacation."

"Hey, speak for yourself, you derp" Xiumin says casting an annoyed glance at Chanyeol.

Tao who has been quiet beside me laughs quietly "you got this Tao, that flexibility works in your favor" i say laughing lightly and Tao smiles at me before leaning his head against my shoulder, which prompts Lay to shift uncomfortably beside me.

"Hey we should go shopping before we go on vacation, i really need some cute outfits" Tao says sitting up abruptly.

"Seriously Tao? shopping again? is there anything you think about besides cloths and makeup?" Baekhyun asks causing everyone to laugh, Tao laughs to but i see a flash of sadness in his eyes that makes me feel for him.

"I would love to go shopping, i'll buy you something" i say just to Tao who grins like a little kid and all traces of sadness disappear making me feel relieved.

I feel a hand against my thigh and my breath catches in my throat, i glance at Lay but he is faced away from me focused of the rest of the tables conversation. Lay moves his hand so its slightly resting on the inside of my thigh and i gasp when he starts making small circles with his thumb. My cheeks turn red and i see him smirk, making shock run through my brain 'he's doing this on purpose'

"Lay" i lean in and whisper.

"Hmm?" he asks innocently still not turning to me.

I take in a small shaky breath and grab Lay's hand, placing it on his own leg "don't" is all i say and lean back against my chair, honestly he is making this more difficult than i thought it would be.

Lay tightens his jaw and places his arms across his chest, almost pouting like a child who just got in trouble. A part of me wonders if he's doing this on purpose, maybe he's trying to get into my head so I'll have no choice but change my mind, but then again another part of me knows better, Lay isn't like that.

I shook it off and decided to spend the rest of dinner enjoying the company of the boys, occasionally Lay would brush my hand or whisper in my ear making me tense up for a second but it was becoming slightly easier just to be his friend, and it gave me hope that my feelings for him would pass and we could just go back to being friends like we use to be.

"That was fun, lets go get some ice cream" Sehun yells once we step outside, grabbing on to Tao because he knew he would be on his side.

Tao beams "oh my gosh, yes!! Please Suho, please!" All traces of his earlier mood were gone and I couldn't help but want to keep it that way.

"Ok, lets go" I laughed and gestured for the boys to lead the way.

"Actually, I'm not feeling that well, I think I'll head back" D.O. says.

"Oh, are you ok? I'll go with you" Kai says placing his hand on D.O.'s forehead. "omo, you've got a little fever. let's get you back"

They start to head the other way when Baekhyun yells "wait, we'll go with you, I'm not feeling ice-cream, come on Yollie" Chanyeol smiles and obediently follows after a quick wave over his shoulder.

'Ladies and gentleman that is the clearest definition of whipped' I say to myself staring after Chanyeol being dragged down the sidewalk by Baekhyun.

I looked at Chen and Lay "are you guys game?"

Lay smiles and skips after Tao answering my question while Chen laughs and starts to walk "Someone has to be the buffer right, and we both know Tao and Sehun won't help"

I can't help the smile that spreads across my cheeks. My friends, my family... these guys may not understand how I feel, but they still respect it.

I run after Chen and throw my arm around his shoulders "you know you're my favorite right"

Chen snorts "Gah, Appa the others will get jealous if they hear you" he says sarcastically and I follow his laughter.

Once we get our ice-cream, Sehun and Tao discover a playground across the street, so of course I am now sitting outside on a cold ass bench watching my 'children' behaving as such.

"I think they're cute" Lay says watching the boys as I was.

Sighing, I nod slightly. It's easier to be around him with other people around, but now Lay and I sit alone on a bench as Chen had joined Tao and Sehun to play on the swings... 'buffer my ass.'

"I'm sorry by the way" Lay says suddenly catching me off guard.

"S-sorry for what?" I ask leaning to my left to look at him.

"Making it so hard on you... I was upset and I asked the one thing of you that causes you the most pain... I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry" When he finishes talking his voice is barely above a whisper.

I sigh deeply "Lay, it's not that I don't want to be around you, it's just... hard. honestly I miss you when you're not around, but it's hard to have you next to me and know..."

"That you can't have the one thing you want most in this world" Lay's eyes met mine with a emotional seriousness and I knew he wasn't just finishing my sentence, he was speaking for himself, he knows exactly how this feels.

"I'm sorry Lay, I wish I could give you everything" I say moving a piece of hair out of his eyes.

He blushes slightly and the corner of his mouth turns up "when will you get it... I don't want everything Suho... I just want you"

My breath catches in my throat and I stare deep into his eyes, noticing a sparkle I hadn't seen before, he stares back and bites his lip, slightly leaning forward.

Abruptly a whinny voice breaks through whatever trance we had been in and I pulled away quickly not missing the disappointment in Lay's eyes.

"Guys, I'm cold and it's starting to snow, can we go home now?" Sehun asks sitting in the very small space between Lay and I and leaning against my arm, giving me aegyo.

Rolling my eyes, I silently thank the boy who would ordinarily annoy me, but in this situation I was glad he broke us apart.

"Yes, let's go home children" I call pulling Chen and Tao off the playground.

I get up to leave and Tao quickly catches up to me clinging to my arm while Lay walks slowly behind us. out of the corner of my eye I noticed Chen pop Sehun on the head and catch the word "cockblock" coming from Chen's mouth.

I chuckle and shake my head 'So that's what everyone is planning, I guess I'll have to be careful not to get caught alone with Lay in the future' My eyebrows knit together when I realize how much disappointment I feel over that thought.

Looking over my shoulder at Lay who has his eyes cast at the ground, and was barley picking up his feet. I sigh once again 'is it possible that I'm being stupid, am I doing this for the right reasons? or am I just being a coward like everyone says?'

As we walk away Tao shivers slightly against my arm pulling me back to my senses 'No, this if for Lay, and for Exo... I have to do this for them' I pull Tao's body against mine and wrap my arm around his shoulders, hoping that he won't notice the single tear that slowly rolls down my cheek.

A/N: Annyeong, my chickens!!

Awe poor Suho right? trust me it hurts just as much to write as it does to read!
*but that bitchy Xiumin though! haha i love it! ah, love him!! did anyone watch MAMA awards? i think my poor baby was sick... poor Xiu!! feel better soon sweetie! but at the same time, Exo won the album of the year!!! that's amazing, i'm so proud of my boys!!!! Exo Fighting!!

Anyways, love you guys!!

~M~