i don't really know how to start this right now to be honest

i don't feel good.

i don't feel okay, even.

just feels like

everything is gonna go to hell

everything i do is gonna mess up.

i feel really bad about it because it's affected my way of conversation and it's making me starve myself without noticing

im spending straight hours thinking about nothing and i don't notice

and i can only think of the worst things that have happened to me throughout my life

im not sure that im thinking straight

i haven't taken any drugs or alcohol, so it's not about that

my life is just messed up.

im anxious for my results, im worried about my makeups

everything is just messing up

and it's having a really bad effect on me

im creating arguments for no reason

fighting with my parents for stupid things

i yelled at my best friend yesterday

and i don't even know why

although he understood why and he didn't stop me

i feel like i need help

a therapist or a psychiatrist

but i don't think my parents would agree

because im just another troubled and scared teenager and apparently all teenagers go through this phase

it doesn't seem like it

who knows maybe it is like that

it's affecting almost everything else

im being removed from groups because of my mood

people who i texted like three days ago don't reply although they're online

even if i ask for real help everyone just replies with im busy or maybe later i have to go out

maybe it's my fault

for having such kind of friends

i should've known better

im just tired of everything

of all my problems and issues

my weight

my grades

my attitude

nothing i do changes anything

it's like all my work is for nothing because it brings no change

i can't even get sleep these nights

i stay awake till 5 and 5:30 before i can force myself to sleep

i need this to stop

i can't go into school like this

or let someone see this version of me

i don't care about what people think of me but

this part of me

i would be too ashamed and embarrassed to show anyone this except maybe the closest few people in my life who have been there for me

i think that's enough for now

im quite depressed

i have been for the past week or so

see you guys

hope you are doing well and having a great day

see ya