Chapter 39

"You're back so early?" Estella questions as she finds us walking into the house.

"Apparently, someone likes games a bit too much," Zade says to her before stomping further. Right before he disappears, he says something more. "I'm leaving. Don't bother bringing up anything to room. I won't be back until tomorrow."

"Zade—" Estella tries to stop him from fleeing but before she can, he's already gone. "What happened?" She turns to me and asks.

"We—we had an argument," I say while looking at the way he went. "I think I pushed him too far and he didn't like that."

"What did you talk about?"

I glance at Estella and see the worry in her eyes, a worry only a mother can feel. "I was asking questions about his past, and the women he had been with before. I didn't know that it was going to anger him so much."

Estella's gaze drops, her expression changing suddenly. Did I say too much? She nears me and places a hand over my shoulder. "You have every right to ask, especially since you're his mate, but you're not going to like what's in his past. You're not going to like any of it. Trust me, Aurora. If there was anything you needed to know, I would've told you. But going down on this road will only hurt you, no one else."

Her words are similar to his. There's only so little difference between them.

Why? What is it about this woman? About his past? Why does it has to be so guarded from me? If Zade expects me to stay here, I need to know, he has to tell me. Regardless of how dark or twisted it may be, it's a part of him and I want to know.

My eyes narrow as I look at Estella. "How can I understand him if I don't know what he is? What he has been?"

She draws in a shaky breath and trails her hand down to my back. "You're not wrong, my dear. You deserve to know it. Perhaps, one day you will and when you do, it will change how you see him. It may make you look at him differently, it might scare you."

"How?"

"Because it is terrifying. He has spent years in solitude, away from everyone and I'm the only one that have seen him in that state," She pauses and hesitates for a split second. "And the reason to draw him in that state is far worse than you can imagine."

A cold shiver snakes down my spine. "What happened?"

Estella shakes her head, "I can't," She takes in a deep breath and sighs. "Just—just be patient with him and he'll tell you. I promise."

I nod and she gives me another pat on the shoulder before walking back into the kitchen to prepare for dinner. I head closer to my room but before I go inside, my paths change.

I'm not patient enough to wait. I want to know. Right now.

Before I know it, my feet is guiding me towards Zade's room. I know it's wrong, a violation of his privacy but I can't seem to help myself. What is it that bothers him so much?

I ease the door open and step into his dimly lit room. The moonlights washes in through the large windows, forming large shadows across the floor. Everything in his room is it at place, just as before. All untouched.

He hasn't figured out that I had been here, even when my scent lingers. Or maybe he hasn't been in his room since I came last time.

I walk around, glancing at everything.

Why does he guards everything about himself so well? There's nothing I know about him even when I've spent more than just a couple of weeks here. Every time I do manage to ask him about something, he moves further away from me, like he wants to make sure I don't get to him, that I don't see him for who he truly is.

The connection we have is hanging by a thread. He doesn't cares for me, and I neither. There's nothing between us now except for a fragile mate bond that can be easily rejected and broken.

Even after knowing about his lost love, I don't want that. I don't want to break the mate bond, leave and never return.

I might've want that earlier, but not anymore. Not after knowing that he knows compassion.

I sit at the edge of the bed and open up the drawer again. It's like I'm entering his mind, just the same way he entered mine at the gas station. I don't think before grabbing another one of them and reading while knowing well enough it's going to hurt me.

Maybe this is what Estella talked about.

Hurt. The fact I'm going to be hurt by knowing that Zade had been in love with someone else before, that he had gone through heartbreak and more. That I would have to share a part of him for the rest of my life to another woman.

I should've protected you, should've controlled myself, should've stopped before we went too far but I didn't. I failed you, and for that, I can never forgive myself. I walk the halls of this house and I know what I've done to you.

I took too much from you. You gave, and gave, out of love, out of trust. But I'm a beast, a leech. Consumed by hunger, I lost sight of your pain, your fear and I took your gift and twisted it into a curse.

You loved me, trusted me, and I betrayed you. Drained you. I was selfish, thoughtless. A beast. Monster.

When the letter ends, I quickly pick up another one, unable to control myself. I don't see the dates on them, or a name. Just words, a lot of words. They are unsent letters, kept in a drawer that sits right next to Zade's bed.

This house is a fucking prison. I hate it, every fucking inch of it. I want to tear it down, especially now that my mother is resting. But I fear what she will do with me once she wakes up and finds the house broken. But how can I help myself? I'm fucking tired of this place. It's suffocating without you.

I need you.

I cannot escape you.

You are everywhere.

You are everything.

Estella think I'm punishing myself with guilt. Maybe I am. Maybe I deserve this torment. But she doesn't understand, can't understand. How can I forget you when you're the very air I breathe?

My heart races as I finish reading another one of them, another one of his confessions.

It's been a year since I'm living in the tower. Estella's complaining that it's a problem for her to come up to me every day. It's kind of funny, though since most of the time, I'm right outside, waiting for her morning wishes. I know she wants me to come back into the house, but I can't. Not for now.

I keep myself locked in the room, where you and I have spent most of our time in. It's better than being in the house. Though, I've tried to scratch your name off the walls of this room out of anger but your name hasn't gone. Not entirely. It's still going to be here, etched into these walls.

I still remember the day we wrote our names on these walls. We were so young, barely teens.

I don't sleep much, but when I do, I dream of you. Of your laugh, it's so precious.

There's one thing that fears me. I don't know if I can let go of my love for you. How can I possibly love someone else when my heart is with you?

I really don't want to forget you, I can't.

You've become my torment.

My brows crease up again as I finish reading the last line he has written. It clicks in my head instantly and I place the letter inside before reaching for the rest of them and pulling them out of the drawer.

Earlier, he mentioned it to me that I had become his torment. But he wasn't saying it because he hated me—

I go through the letter quickly this time, barely taking any time. My eyes read over each line, reading his words and sensing the pain behind each one of them.

The tower is my newest comfort...

I won't hurt you again, I promise I won't. I won't let my hunger destroy us. Let me have you one more time. Let me do this...I'll protect you.

It's been years...I fucking hate you...

I am a monster, you deserve better...so much better.

I promised I wouldn't let anyone hurt, even myself and I kept to that promise.  

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