Chapter 20-Lots of Comedy and This is so Retarded

"Jasperrrrr..." The wind wailed in Jasper's ear.

"Herumphgf." He said, swatting the air because he was busy reading a book in the library.

"Jasperrrrrrr..." It wailed again.

"What?" Jasper looked up.

"Do you have any Alka Selzterrrrrrr?" It asked.

"Oh yeah! I do!" Jasper pulled out a small tablet, opened the window and chucked the tablet out the window.

"Thank youuuuuu." The wind said.

"No problem." He closed it and walked away.

"Bitch please." Amerina walked by.

"Ah hahahahaha!" Jacob ran as fast as he could.

"Get back here!" The Bloody Baron chased him. He hid behind a tall student and the ghost passed him by.

"What did you do?" Renesmee walked over to him.

"I said a crude joke to him." Jacob said.

"Oh, how did it go?" Renesmee asked.

"Ok, FLASHBACK!" Jacob yelled.

"Hi Bloody Baron." Jacob walked over.

"Hello, Jacob right?" He asked.

"Yes, I have a ghost question." Jacob said.

"What is it?" The Bloody Baron asked.

"Can you get a boner?" Jacob asked.

"He's mad because of that?" Renesmee asked.

"Partly, I threw a bunch of Playboy's at him and ran." Jacob said.

"Were did you get the Playboy's from?" Renesmee asked.

"Stole them from Snape." He patted her head,

"Were is my Porno?" Snape came storming out of his office and down the hall way.

"This? This is your filth?" The Bloody Baron ran floated over to him.

"Uh, yeah." Snape said. He looked over to him. "Do you have a boner?" He asked.

"Ha! I knew it! Even in death, men get horny over blond hoes!" Jacob jumped out behind the student who was asleep.

"You stole my magazines?" Snape snapped.

"Yeah, these are magazines alright." Renesmee grabbed a copy and flipped through it. "Why are there boobs so big? Their like hot air balloons!" Renesmee said. Snape grabbed it.

"When your older maybe you'll understand." Snape said.

"ARG!" Ralph the Bear barreled past them, turning The Bloody Baron into a wisp of smoke and Snape ran, dropping all of his "magazines", and Jacob and Renesmee chased Ralph the bear. Ron, Harry, and Hermione walked past.

"Oohh, the latest copy of Wizard Digest!" Ron Bent down and grabbed one. He opened it and Harry and Hermione crowded around it. "Whoa, oh, wow, um." Ron said as he flipped through it. "Ahem, I'm going to go, um, tell, a teacher about these." Ron bent down and picked up all of the magazines and ran off.

"He's not going to, is he?" Hermione said.

"Nope, sorry Hermione." Harry said.

"For what?" Hermione asked.

"That your fbugly." Harry said.

"I'm what?" Hermione asked.

"Fa-Bug-ly. fbugly. Fucking But Ugly." Harry nodded.

"Am not!" Hermione said. Rosalie walked past, stopped, flipped her hair.

"Are so." She said and walked away.

"I feel like dancing." Emmett said one day.

"Good for you." Carlisle said, reading a book.

"How do you dance?" Ron asked.

"Well if you must ask..." Renesmee appeared with a bom box.

"Were did you get a boom box?" Emmett asked.

"My dad." She put it on the ground and pulled out a tape and put it in the cassette player then pressed play.

"Yoooouuuu!" It started out.

"Oh hell no." Carlisle said.

"I love this song!" Emmett jumped up.

"Soulja boy I tell 'em. Hey I got a new dance fo you all called the soulja boy." It started out.

"Uh, what?" Ron got up.

"You have to dance to the song, Carlisle, Ronald." Emmett motioned.

"Ugh!" Carlisle got up. and Ron got up also.

"Do what I do, OK?" Emmett asked (Yoooouuuu!).

"Sure." Ron said.

"Shut up!" Renesmee snapped. (Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh yeeeeaaaah!)

"Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe, Watch me Crank It, Watch me Roll, Watch me Crank Dat Soulja Boy, Then Super Man Dat Hoe, Now, Watch me You..." Emmett started to dance to the song.

"What the hell?" Ron mimicked easily and Carlisle did it half heartily (Crank Dat Soulja Boy). Harry, Hermione, and a bunch of kids walked into the room.

"What's going on?" Harry asked.

"Dance with us!" Emmett said. Hermione and some other kids joined in while Harry stared.

"Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe. Watch me Lean And Watch Me Rock?. Super Man Dat Hoe. Then Watch me Crank Dat Robocop? Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock. Jocking On Them Haterz Man. When I Do Dat Soulja Boy. I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance." The song said.

"I'm not doing that." Harry said. (Now You)

"Yes you are Harry, the song commanded it." Renesmee said.

"I want to dance!" Dumbledore jumped in and started to dance.

"I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass. And If We Get The Fightin-" The song sang (it gets really bad after that).

"See Harry, BumbleBee will dance, but you wont." Renesmee said.

"I want to!" Snape joined in and started dancing. "Hold on, I have to twitter this." He pulled out a phone.

SmexiePotion Dancing to Soulja Boy

StankyLeg that lame dance is old

"OK fine, I'll join." Harry slumped over and joined in.

I'm To Clean Off In This Hoe. Watch Me Crank And. Watch Me Roll. Watch Me Crank Dat Roosevelt. Then Super soak That Hoe, Super Soak That Hoe. I'm to Fresh Off In This Bitch. Watch Me Show. Now Watch Me Gig. Watch Me Crank My Shoulder Work. And Superman That Bitch." It said.

"I am so putting this on youtube, it will be bigger than Fred." Jasper appeared with Emmett's video camera and was filming.

Jacob was on his laptop.

"Do I want to try natural male enhancement?" He read a pop-up. He looked around and clicked yes.

"HA!" Renesmee jumped up.

"AH! What?" Jacob jumped.

"I knew you had a small pickle!" Renesmee laughed.

"do not!" Jacob huffed.

"Do too! you clicked yes on that Extenze pop-up!" Renesmee pointed to the computer. Now a bazillion pop-ups sprang up.

"Oh crap! Better shut off my computer!" Jacob said.

"Wait!" Renesmee stopped him.

"What?" Jacob asked.

"Look, Did you know Miley Cyrus is quitting Hannah Montana!" Renesmee read a title. Jacob clicked the off button.

"G'day!" It said and shut off.

"Did your computer just said goodbye to you in an Australian accent?" Bella asked from the corner.

"Yes it did." Jacob said.

"I herd the word pickles! I like pickles!" Ron walked in.

SmexiePotion: Just found out miley cyrus is quitting hannah montanna.

BumbleBee: WHAT!

TabbyCat: this is the end of life as we know it!

"I'll be right back." Renesmee walked off. A second year girl sat at the stiar case. "Psst, did you know Miley Cyrus quitting Hannah Montana?" She whispered to her.

"We weren't talking about pickels." Jacob said to Ron.

"Well I herd the word pickle." Ron said. BAM!

"Oh god, it's everyware!" Renesmee cried. Everyone raced out side. The second year blew her brains off with a shot gun.

SmexiePotion: Oh Snap

Harry was reading the newspaper. Jacob sat across form him on his laptop.

"I'M ON A BOAT!" The music played as Jacob talked to people on twitter.

SmexiePotion: Anyone seen my monster?

Tabbycat:...

"Hey Jacob! Emmett and I found this magical rat that dances!" Renesmee said. Emmett pulled the rat out of his mouth.

"See? Tastes yummy too." Emmett said. Hermione walked by.

"Your laptop shouldn't be working! Technology doesn't work in Hogwarts!" Hermione said.

"That explains why my mechanical pen isnt working." Emmett huffed under his breath.

"Maybe the castle is broken." Renesmee said.

"How does a castle break?" Harry asked.

"Like this!" Renesmee pulled out a mallet and started wailing on the stone wall.

"Stop it!" Hermione said. Renesmee pulled back the hammer and it "accidentally" hit Hermione. Hermione fell to the ground unconscious.

"Um...anyway," Renesmee put the hammer down and stepped over Hermione," Why are you reading the newspaper?" She asked harry.

"Newspaper. Made popular by Benjamin Franklin." Jacob said.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Frank, name commonly associated with hot dog." Jacob said.

"What's up with him?" Renesmee asked.

"What's up, common greeting among friends." Jacob said.

"Oh no, search over load!" Emmett said.

"How do we stop it?" Renesmee asked (at this point Jacob was talking about lawn mowers).

"." Carlisle said as he walked by.

"BING!" Jacob said. "Whoa, what happened?" He asked looking around.

"I"M ON A BOAT!" The laptop said.

"Sure am." Emmett said and walked off.

It was another plane July day. Emmett bounded out of his bed, even though he was not asleep. He ran into the griffendor common room. Jacob was on his lap top.

"Hey Jacob, happy independance day. what are you looking up?" Emmett asked.

"To see if that short north Korean guy shot a missile to Hawaii yet." Jacob said.

"Oh, he better not!" Emmett said.

"He should bomb Pearl Harbor on Pearl Harbor remembrance day, then it would be like, OMG!" Renesmee walked over.

"Communist!" Emmet slapped her.

"Did you just slap me?" Renesmee said, holding her cheek.

"Yeah! I American Pimped slapped yo ass!" Emmett said.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"Because...9/11." He said and ran away.

"Odd." Jacob said.

"AHAHAA!" A voice shrieked. Everyone jumped and Bellatrix Lestrange jumped in.

"Wow." Jacob said. Belllatrix tripped on her feet and fell, then got up.

"I'm OK! Anyway, ahem-" She cleared her throat.

"Bellatrix Lestarnge!" Harry jumped.

"Yes! I have come to-"

"Aren't you that chick from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, Charlie's mom?" Renesmee interrupted.

"What?" Bellatrix asked, stunned.

"Yeah, and that girl from Sweeney Todd." Jacob said.

"Ummmm..." Bellatrix said backing away.

"What's going on?" Harry asked.

"I like to do allot of, extra...work." Bellatrix said.

"Communist!" Emmett ran up to her and "American pimped slapped her ass".

"Ow! What the hell man?" Bellatrix said.

"You herd me." Emmett said and walked away.

"Anyway, Bella out!" Bellatrix ran away.

"I'm right here." Bella said, in the door way.

Meanwhile...

"Hey Edward." Alice walked up to Edward.

"WAAAHHHHHHH!" He cried.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked.

"Micheal hic, Jackson, is dead!" He cried.

"...So?" Alice asked.

"So? SO? THERE IS NO MEANING TO LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!" Edward said.

"What about Bella?" Alice asked.

"I don't want his ass." Bellatrix said as she walked by.

"Can Bella moon walk?" Edward asked.

"No." Alice nodded.

"SEE!" Edward said.

"Communist!" Emmett appeared out of no were and slapped Edward. "Get a grip on your self man! He molested children!" Emmett said and walked way. Edward twitched.

Meanwhile...

"Renesmee...why don't you have blond hair and blue eyes?" Edward appeared out of no were.

"I'm not a bimbo." Renesmee said.

"Bella, why don't YOU have blond hair and blue eyes?" Emmett walked over to Bella.

"Why?" Bella asked.

"Because, to be all-American ,YOU MUST HAVE BLOND HAIR BLUE EYES!" Emmett said.

"No no Emmett, now your going all Hitler on me." Bella stood up from a chair.

"Communist!" Emmett slapped her.

"Hey!" Bella jumped back.

"Hitler is America's natural enemy!" Emmett said.

"Because he killed many Jews, Gypsies, Homosexuals, and Retards?" Renesmee asked.

"...That too." Emmett said.

Meanwhile...xD

"Emmett sure is critical today." Hagrid said to Snape.

"Yeah." Snape said.

"THAT'S RIGHT LONDON! WE KICKED YOUR ASS AND WE'LL KICK IT AGAIN!" Emmett was shouting.

"Emmett, that was over 200 years ago." Harry said.

"Communist!" Emmett slapped him.

"I know what will cheer him up!" Hagrid said.

"What?" Snape asked.

"Fireworks! People shoot them off on the 4th of July in America! Let's get some fireworks!" Hagrid said.

"OK, I'll conjure up some." Snape said,

"No, real ones Muggels make, if we create them he might slap us." Hagrid said.

"Ok, so were do you get fire works?" Snape asked.

"Wal-mart!" Hagrid blurted out.

"Hagrid I don't think they sell fireworks there-" Snape started.

"Let's go!" Hagrid said.

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Well i now know how random this is...