Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking down the hallway to magic class (well duh).

"I wonder what we'll learn to day!" Hermione chirped.

"Did you here Snape lost his wand?" Ron asked.

"No, I herd Rosalie stole it." Harry said.

"Probably showed him her ta-ta's." Ron muttered.

"WON-WON!" A vocie shouted.

"Oh hell no." Ron stopped dead and turned around. Lavender Brown raced towered him.

"Run Ron!" Hermione said. Ron bolted as Lavender chased after him.

"Wow that sounded like a tongue twister." Harry turned to her.

"SHE'S GOING TO RIP MY LIPS OFF!" Ron shouted, pushing pasta group of first years.

Suddenly Ron froze in running position and was lifted off the air. Lavender was frozen in a running position with her arms out after Ron and her lips puckered up to kiss him.

"What the?" Harry and Hermione caught up with the two.

"Now now, make up you two love birds." A voice said. Emmett said, waving the two around.

"Please don't make me Emmett, she's a psychopath!" Ron said, eying her.

"I LUV YOU WON!" Lavender yelled. Emmett smashed the two together, still frozen and made kissing noises.

"Now, young lady, what is your name?" Emmett asked Lavender.

"Lavender Brown." She said.

"What a strange and ironic name, Lavender Brown. Lavender is a shade of purple, and Brown is just brown." Emmett said.

"Is your poo purple?" Renesmee appeared out of no were, hanging upside down.

"Uh, not that I've checked." Lavender said. Hermione shot some magic do-hickey at Emmet and Ron and Lavender were released.

"Renesmee, why are you hanging upside down from the ceiling?" Harry asked.

"I'm half vampire, der." Renesmee said and jumped down. Hermione then shot another magic thing-a-ma-bob at Emmet and it wrenched the wand out of his hand.

"OW! Hey, that wasn't nice." Emmett wagged a finger at her.

"Hello!" Alice came bounding in with Tonks.

"Ello, what's dis?" Emmett jumped down using his English accent.

"Tonks and I are so much alike aren't we?" Alice asked.

"Um...minus the pink hair." Emmett said.

"Not more Harry Potter-Twilight character similarities!" Renesmee groaned.

"Yes!" Tonks said.

"We are going to go stab people with rusty scissors, tootle-loo!" Tonks an Alice said and skipped skipped off.

Harry was asleep in his dormitory.

"Harry Potter!" A voice said. Harry rolled over in his sleep, snored and went back to sleep. "Harry Potter!" The voice repeated. Harry opened his eyes then closed them.

"HARRY POTTER!" The voice yelled.

"AH!" Harry fell off the bed an turned on a light. Emmett, Rolph the Bear, and Dobby sat right next to his bed.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Look at this cut little fellah, I found him in the kitchen." Emmett said.

"Why were you in the kitchen Emmett, your a vampire, and how do you keep on getting into our dormitories at night?" Harry snapped.

"Well for the last question I chatted up the fat lady and she let me in." Emmett said.

"How about the first question, Rolph stop eating Ron's bed!" Harry said. Rolph dropped a large wooden chunk from the bed and slunk back over to the group.

"Well, Alice and Tonks were looking for rusty scissors. We couldn't find any so we had to rusty up a pair ourselves then tested them out on one of the elves." Emmett said.

"Emmett taught Dobby how to shank a person!" Dobby said gleefully.

"Huh?" Harry asked.

"I taught him how to stab some one, you know in prisons, shank?" Emmett asked.

"Who did he stab?" Harry asked.

"This mutated messed up elf, Kreacher." Emmett said.

"You stabbed-"

"Shanked." Dobby corrected.

"You shanked my house elf Kreacher?" Harry asked.

"That was your house elf? Dobby freaking attacked him, we left when all the other elves started attacking us. It was so funny, see?" Emmett pulled off his shirt (insert fangirl scream here) and pointed to countless little bite marks. "Look at all the miniature bite marks, so cute!" Emmett said and pulled his shirt back on.

"What a day!" Dobby said.

"Were is Alice and Tonks?" Harry asked.

"Girl's dormitory." Emmett said.

Meanwhile

Hermione snoozed soundly and two pairs of head slowly emerged on the side of her bed. Alice and Tonks exchanged glances and pulled out two rusty scissors.

"On three..." Alice whispered. "One-"

"THREE!" Tonks stabbed the bed. Hermione jolted awake and started rolling around ans Tonks tried to stab her. "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" She cackled.

"Tonks? What the hell!" Hermione screamed.

"Stay still dammit so I can shank you!" Tonks said.

"So you can what?" Hermione said, dodging Tonks attacks.

"Stab." Alice said, pulling out a video camera and drinking soda.

"WHY DO YOU WANT TO STAB ME?" Hermione said and fell off the bed on the other side. Tonks threw the Rusty scissors and they missed Hermione's head by a couple of inches. Everyone in the girls dormitory was up now and were watching everything.

"Because we do." Tonks said and grabbed Alice's rusty scissors. "C'mon Hermione, it wont hurt, your a wizard, you'll be able to heal it." Tonks said.

"Those might have AIDS on them!" Hermione said.

"Crap, we were discovered, make a break for it!" Alice and Tonks ran out of them room.

The Next Day

Everyone was outside enjoying a nice day by the lake. ron came lumbering down, pale and his nose was red.

"Hey, ACHOO!" He sneezed.

"Ron are you sick?" Hermione asked.

"No I'm just, ACHOO!" He sneezed again.

"You should go to the nurse." Hermione said.

"I'm fine just, good night." Ron fell down asleep. Harry and Hermione carried him up to the Griffednor common room were Jacob was yelling at the fat lady.

"Password?" She asked, irritated.

"Jenny Craig?" Jacob asked, waving his arms. The fat lady nodded no. "Nutrisystem?" He asked, still no. "Fine, exorcise, diet, anorexia, bulimia, EXTENSE!" Jacob said.

"What is Extense?" Hermione asked.

"Natural Male enhancement!" Carlisle said, zooming by on his scooter.

"I'll get you some for your birth day Harry." Jacob said.

"What ab out you?" Harry snapped.

"what about me? I'm native American and hot, you know I'm packing." Jacob said and walked away.

"Let's get Ron to the nurse." Hermione said. They arrived a few moments later and placed him down on one of the bed's. Madame Pomfery examined Ron, then turned to them.

"Just as I expected." She said.

"What?" Harry and Hermione asked at the same time.

"Swine Flu." Madame Pomfery said.

"What is that smell?" Jasper asked, sniffing the air.
"What?" Emmett asked, riding on Ralph like Ralph the Bear was a horse.

"I smell...pig." Jasper got up.

"Really?" Emmett whipped out a skillet and some butter.

"What's that for?" Jasper asked.

"Bacon." Emmett said. The two set off toward the source and arrived at the nurse's office.

Ron sat on a bed, moaning to himself.

"Is he alright?" Jasper asked Hermione.

"He has swine flu." Hermione said. Emmett sniffed Ron and licked his cheek (ewww).

"He taste's like pig!" Emmett said.

"Must be the flu." Harry said.

"Ah-ah-ah-OINK!" Ron said.

"Did you just oink?" Jasper asked while Emmett was on the floor laughing.

"Maybe he's turning into a pig." Harry said.

"Well we must harvest the meat!" Emmett appeared near Ron, sharpening a butcher's knife.

"Emmett! He's just a person!" Hermione said.

"Awwww." Emmett said and put it back and slouched off.

"Like he even cooks the meat." Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Is it normal to have a tail?" Ron rolled over and pointed to a coiled tail, he rolled back over and his normal nose was replaced with a pig's snout.

"You are turning into a pig!" Harry said.

"Huh?" Emmett's head popped in the door frame.

"Go away Emmett, you can't cook him!" Hermione said.

"Awwww." Emmett said and walked away.

"Well, I'm bored." Jasper walked away as Ron squealed like a pig as Harry tickled him.

"GIVE ME BACK ME UMBRELLA!" Hagrid roared and was chasing after Carlisle. Carlisle was on his scooter, Hagrid's umbrella open after him. A group of students watched as the two chased after each other.

"Fly dammit! FLY!" Carlisle jumped off the scooter and he started to fly like Mary Poppins with Hagrid's umbrella. "Bippity-Boppity-boo!" Carlisle chanted.

"Wrong movie!" Rosalie shouted up to him.

"Like it matters!" Carlisle shouted after him.

Slughorn (were did he come from?) sat at his desk and looked around.

"Now, is anyone in here famous?" He asked.

"I can touch my tongue to my nose!" A student said.

"Are you famous for that?" Slughorn asked.

"Maybe." The student said.

"Any one else?" Slughorn asked. CRASH! Carlisle fell through a window and rolled to his feet, Hagrid's umbrella snapped closed and he swung it around his wrist, then held it in front of him like a cane.

"I am!" He said.

"What for?" Slughorn asked.

"For-"

"GIVE ME ME UMBRELLA!" Hagrid's distant voice thundered (and no that is not a spelling error).

"He did it!" Carlisle threw the umbrella at the student who could touch his tongue to his nose and ran out of the room. Hagrid crashed through another window and tackled the kid. Emmett appeared next to Slughorn with his video camera.

"Priceless, I'm putting this on You Tube." He said.

"GET BACK HERE!" Madame Pomfery chased Ron, well a pig with red hair.

"Oink! Oink!" It snorted and ran. Students ducked out of the way,t hen suddenly, Ron Pig sprouted wings and flew over the castle.

"Is that a pig?" Malfoy pointed, his group of buddies around him.

"Oink!" Ron Pig said and poop fell down and hit Malfoy right in the face, his mouth was open.

"Harry, did you hear that Ron escaped?" Hermione ran up to Harry int he common room as he searched for his broom.

"Yeah, I was going to fly out and get him but I can't find my broom." He said, searching for it. The door flew open and Renesmee strutted in with the broom, it was dripping wet.

"Here you go, I hope you don't mind I needed it." She said and tossed it to him.

"For what?" Harry asked.

"Emmett wanted a back scratchier then he dropped it in the toilet and we got it back then had to beat up prefect who was going to tell on us and Jasper used it to sweep his room." Renesmee explained.

"This is a flying broom! Not a regular one!" Harry said.

"Same thing really." Renesmee said and walked away.

"C'mon, we have to get Ron." Hermione said. The two got on the broom and zoomed around the castle grounds, looking for a flying pig with red hair.

"HELLO!" Emmett came flying next to them on a regular plastic broom.

"Emmett? What are you doing?" Harry yelled.

"Looking for Ring." Emmett said.

"Who?" Hermione asked.

"RING! RON PIG!" Emmett bellowed, waving his video camera at them. "I'm going to put it on you tube!" He said. They flew around for a while, then...

"OINK! OINK!" Ring came flying out of no were.

"Ah! Beware the swine flu!" Emmett freaked out and charged into Harry and Hermione. They flew off the broom.

"AHHH!" They screamed.

"Now class, place your magical beans to grow a bean stalk, does everyone have a giant?" Professor Sprout asked. BAM! Hermione and Harry smashed through the roof and landed on the plants. "Oh, Harry, Hermione, nice to join us for class." Professor Sprout said. Harry's broom came down with a clatter and bashed Neville.

"OW! I'm always abused!" he cried.

Meanwhile...

Emmett swerved out of control as Ring clawed at him.

"You stupid pig!" Emmett said and tried to shake him off. "Wait a minute, didn't we already do this?" Emmett asked Ring.

"Oink?" Ring asked.

"The animal/human cross over." Emmett said. Ring shrugged. "We did! chapters 13-16!" Emmett said.

"Oink?" Ring asked.

"FLASH BACK!" Emmett screamed.

"Hey! That Snape guy gave me a drink!" Rosalie said walking over.

"Drink it!" Renesmee said.

"Uh, I wouldn't." Harry said, jumping up. Rosalie gulped it down and slammed the cup on the table.

"Hm, taste's funny." She said. Renesmee gasped and Esme started laughing. "What?" Rosalie asked. Emmet held up a mirror. She had the head of a giant duck, and the body of a moose. "WHAT THE HELL!" She screamed/quaked.

"Your a Doose, or a Muck." Esme said between fits of laughter.

"Your beautiful!" Emmet laughed. Everyone turned to look at her. Rosalie slowly turned around and glared at Snape.

"Come here Greece Monkey!" She roared ans charged after her.

"Runaway Doose!" Emmet shouted. Rosalie charged past the students, flung the table over and flattened Snape.

"CATCH THAT DOOSE!" Dumbledore shouted.

"HE-HAW!" Rosalie said and pranced around the room. The students and teachers ran around trying to capture her, but she would either bite them, or hind leg them.

"I got her!" Snape said and held up his wand. Rosalie turned around and hit him below the waist.

"Whoa! You got his batteries!" Emmet said and started to laugh. Snape fell to the ground.

"Anyway Emmet, have you caught Doose-Rosalie yet?" Carlisle asked.

"Oh crap! I forgot!" Emmet jumped up and threw off his reading glasses.

"HELP! I'M GOING TO GET COOKIE RAPPED BY ELVES!" Emmet yelled. Edward caught up.

"Oh my god!" He said.

"Hagrid is here!" Hagrid came lumbering over and shot one of the elves with his crossbow. The others all screamed and disbanded, carrying Emmet. "Get back here ye short little bastards!" Hagrid roared and shot after them along with Edward.

"I've never meet a cross bread Centaur so beautiful like you..." Firenze said, leaning toward her.

"Oh it's getting hot and heavy!" Crabble said.

"He-Haw!" Doose-Rosalie said.

"Maybe it's duck for rape." Carlisle said, zooming in with his camera.

"See?" Emmett said.

"Oink, Oink." Ring nodded in agreement.

"Ha ha!" Tonks came flying by on a broom and shanked Ring in his ass Ring squealed and fell to the ground. POOF! He turned back to normal Ron.

"Ha ha!" Alice flew by then and stabbed Emmet in his ass.

"Ow I need that!" Emmett said and fell off.

Meanwhile...

"My beanstalk!" Neville said and his giant beanstalk grew to the sky.

"Congratulations Neville!" Professor Sprout said. Ron fell down then on the table.

"Jack?" Neville asked, amazed. BAM! Emmett fell down on top of Ron in aloud crash then the plastic broom smacked him on the head. "Giant!" Neville said.

"You did it Neville! You found Jack and the Giant!" Professor Sprout said. Neville poked Emmet.

Harry, Ron, Hermione were in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Slughorn came in then in a pink ballerina outfit.

"Sorry I'm late, now, who in here is famous now?" He asked.

"Oh great." Harry sighed. They started their lesson.

"Now if you take a weasel and grab it by the stomach and insert a cookie-"

"OMG!" Renesmee ran in.

"What?" Slughorn dropper the weasel and cookie, then ate the cookie.

"I just saved a bundle by switching my car insurance to Gieco!" She said and ran out.

"Me too!" Carlise zoomed by on his scooter.

"What is chewing on my shoe?" Ron asked looking down. Jacob smiled at him in wolf form,t hen bust out of the desk.

"What the?" Slughorn coughed up a bag of cookies. Jacob turned to normal.

"Loyal Thème de Bologna! J'ai voici les magique saucisse!" He said.

"What did he say?" Harry asked.

"He's speaking French." Hermione said.

"Wow Jacob I didn't know you were a wimp." Harry said.

"Why?" Ron asked.

"He said: Loyal Subjects of Bologna! I have here the magic sausage!" Renesmee said.

"What's that mean?" Ron asked.

"Idiote âne lécher." Jacob jumped down and slapped Ron with a sausage.

"He just called you an idiot a*hole licker." Renesmee said.

"Ow. Violent." Ron said.

"Grange!" Jacob said.

"He just said Barney." Renesmee said.

"Oh crap, run!" Hermione said. Jacob turned into Barney.

"I love you, you love me!" He started chanting.

"OH DEAR GOD!" Slughron ran out, prancing in his ballerina costume.

"I love you, you love me!" Barney stalked after the students as they ran screaming in horror.

"Some one kill Barney." Renesmee said.

"Isn't he really Jacob?" Carlisle asked, stopping on his scooter.

"Huh?" Jacob walked over, nibbling on bacon.

"I thought you turned into Barney!" Renesmee said.

"Oh. I did?" Jacob asked. Barney stopped and turned on them.

"Ah!" Carlisle zoomed away. Renesmee pulled out a baseball bat.

"Bring it Dino!" Renesmee said and started wailing on Barney.

"Ow! I love-ow! You-ow!" Barney said and ran off, Renesmee chasing him.

"I'm bored." Ron said, bored.

"Oh well, go masturbate." Harry said.

"I can't, I'm gay." Ron said.

"Really?" Harry scooted closer to him.

"Yeah, I found out last week." Ron said.

"finally..." Harry reached around him.

"Ah!" Ron turned into Tonks and she jumped up. "Your gay! Ha! I have it on video!" Tonks pulled out a tiny video camera and pressed play. A picture of Lupin came across.

"Is? Is it on?" He asked.

"Yeah, see?" Tonks' voice asked, the camera shook.

"OK. Um...what am I supposed to do?" He asked.

"Bark bitch." Tonks said.

"Technically I'm a boy wolf not a girl." Lupin said.

"I said bark or I'll stab you with rusty scissors!" Tonks said.

"OK, wolf." He said.

"What was that? I want a real bark." Tonks growled.

"OK, ARF!" Lupin barked. He continued to bark. "Tonks, what day is it?" Lupin asked between barks.

"Wednesday." She said.

"Oh shit! It's a full moon!" Lupin said and started to grow hair.

"Oh shit!" Tonks said and the camera flew all over to place.

"Um, sorry, ahem." Tonks speed up to video. A picture of a wear wolf bounded across the screen, chasing Tonks, still holding the camera, looking back. Wear wolf Lupin jumped on top of Tonks and made her eat cough drops. then it cut to a picture of Tonks and Alice rusting scissors. finally it cut to Harry and Ron, Ron had a streak of pink hair.

"I'm bored." Ron said, bored.

"Oh well, go do whatever you do." Harry said.

"I can't, I'm gay." Ron said.

"Really?" Harry scooted closer to him.

"Yeah, I found out last week." Ron said.

"finally..." Harry reached around him.

"Ha! See!" Tonks said.

"now now Tonks you don't have to give that to anyone..." Harry grabbed at it.

"So that's why you like Ginny, she's secretly a man!" Tonks said.

"Really? That was just a cover so no one would get suspicious." Harry said.

"Yep, totally. Her mom enchanted her to look like a girl because she wanted one daughter in the family, her real name is Gilbert." Tonks said.

"I LOVE YOU!" Barney snatched the video camera, evading Renesmee.

"Get back here!" Renesmee said. Tonks grabbed Renesmee and held her back. POOF! Barney turned into...RONALD MCDONALD!

"Put a smile on kids cause I'm lovin it!" He said. Renesmee shuddered.

"OK Ronald McDonald, no need to do anything drastic." Harry stepped forward.

"What a weird video, play!" He laughed, his eyes going cross eyed. The video of Harry being gay played over.

"YOUR GAY?" Renesmee yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Potter's gay?" Malfoy came storming out.

"I always knew you were an ass pirate!" Crabbe laughed.

"Shut up." Malfoy snapped.

"Yes master." Crabbe frowned. Everyone started to taunt Harry. Ginny walked up.

"It's OK Harry, we can still be together." She said.

"Really?" Everyone asked (at the same time).

"Yes, Everyone, I'm a man." she said. Everyone gaped at her. "My real name is Gilbert. My mom enchanted me to look like a girl because she wanted at least one daughter." Ginny/Gilbert said.

"But, I found used Pads in the bathroom!" Ron yelled.

"Yes, I get my period like any other girl." Ginny/Gilbert said.

"Ewwwwww." Goyle said.

SmexiePotion omg, Ginny Weasly is really a man!

BumbleBee No wonder I always thought she/he was hot

BEAST ROFL ugly hoe

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I warnned you of my randomness.... Any mistakes? Just let me know.....