La Signora, Tartaglia, and Scaramouche all walked in bitter silence.

Mondstadt's gloriously pigeon-covered bridge was before them, and as they walked onto the stone, the soft dirt sounds faded and Signora's heels clicked. Timmie hid behind his pigeons in fear of these intimidating strangers.

The Fatui Associate Tweetup (they refuse to use the acronym) was meeting up in Mondstadt to discuss average Tweetup things like murder and world domination. These three Harbingers were required to be there, and they just happened to travel together.

Little did they know, they had a stalker.

Not Dottore, not Lisa, not Albert, not even Sayu: no, their stalker wasn't professional. Their stalker was Zhongli, who's old creaky bones would have alerted the bunch if not for them each wearing earmuffs.

You see, Zhongli wanted to warn his little broski Venti about this incredibly imposter behavior so he took the liberty of trekking 2,000 meters with his broken ass spine instead of teleporting. Ganyu, meanwhile, caught wind of this: she saw Zhongli leaving and decided it was incredibly convenient.

She needed business interaction in person with Mond's wine industry. How perfect was it that a group was traveling there? She decided to tag along. But she didn't want to impose: so she decided to stalk Zhongli.

As this party of stalkers arrived at Mond's glorious fowl bridge of impending doom, another figure appeared. This one wore the clothing of a kid who threw maple leaves in the laundromat washing machine with the white sheets and then afterwards proceeded to drape them over himself. Also his mom was there. Say hi kids.

This group came because Beidou's ship was docked at Windrise, carrying a large supply of sake.

Kazuha was, at the time, leading a party of four horses from Windrise to Mondstadt. The horses pulled a wagon full of crates and bottles of alcohol that Kazuha promised he wouldn't sneak but definitely did more than once. He was falling asleep at the wheel.

When he sees a suspicious group of people stalking each other, he slows his horses and hides them behind a bush, watching. Then he starts stalking them.

Beidou, meanwhile, is incredibly nervous because her son just dipped with her only horses and a ton of alcohol and she forgot that he was well... Kazuha. He'd probably steer off course, drinking sake, and roll off a cliff while following the wind. Because of this, she stalked Kazuha.

Now now now, Venti isn't as stupid as we give him credit for. He's stalking Beidou, the suspicious yet incredibly hot pirate, because he can smell alcohol on her with his crazy goofy nose and wanted in on it. Stalking was the only option: plus, he was great at it! He had watched Albert long enough; although, he was kind of giving himself away every time he took a crunchy bite from his Granny Smith apple.

Suddenly, after a minute of quiet stalking, a shout rang out.

"HORSIESSSS!" Kaeya screeched.

Sprinting out of Mondstadt's gate, he shoved Signora to the floor, pushed past creaky old man, slammed into cryo mommy, and used Kazuha's head as a stepping stone to leap onto the horses. He hugged each one in turn, muttering how much he loved horses.

Kazuha just shrugged and thus the stalking party continued.

La Signora, Scara, Childé, and Zhongli all entered the gates at the same time. Zhongli wasn't the best stalker and ended up becoming visible to the harbingers: only Childe actually cared though, and offered to buy him some dandelion wine.

"But I only drink Osmanthus Wine," Zhongli reasoned.

"You bItCh!" Venti yelled.

Zhongli and Childe watched as Venti rocketed into Signora, pushing her into a fruit stand and ruining her dress. He had only just realized who was at the front of the stalking party because a violent worm decided to tell him. Thus, he rushed ahead past Beidou, Kazuha, Kaeya, the four horses, Ganyu, and Zhongli to get a stab at the evil lady.

He yeeted an apple into her face and then shot her with an arrow before flipping her off and running away at 10 mph.

Zhongli, his mission being to find Venti and warn him, walked off after him. Kazuha, entrusting his horses with Kaeya, decided to go help an anemo brother out. They both found the small green gremlin sobbing in Diluc's tavern, already drunk.

Ganyu can then be found chatting with Scaramouche in the local Mondstadt laundromat about business between nations. A while through their discussion, Ganyu mentions how they've been exporting tons of osmanthus wine lately to Sumeru for unknown reasons.

Zhongli hears the word osmanthus and abandons Venti for Ganyu and Scaramouche, rushing over like a Roblox 5yr old trying to beat their 40yr old online friend at an obby.

Now, Venti and Kazuha alone in the bar, without parental supervision, start drinking more. Kazuha gets really drunk. Beidou's parental instincts are on fire so she crashes through the wall and gasps when she sees Venti and Kazuha both very drunk and crying about being bitchless.

Beidou, like a good mom, starts drinking with them, comforting them while also crying.

Ningguang, off in the Jade Palace, senses something wrong.

"Keqing, can you go and find Beidou and see if she's okay?" Ningguang screeched.

"Sorry, I'm busy bc Ganyu dipped on me in the middle of a big ass project!" Keqing muttered.

"Goddammit," Ningguang cursed from the chandelier. "Guess I'll go myself."

"But-"

And so Ningguang took off swimming to Mondstadt.

Meanwhile, the Osmanthus wine conversation was getting heated.

"Only real men drink fire water, you're just too weak to handle it," Scaramouche insisted.

"Says the little boy with mommy issues," Zhongli rolled his eyes.

"Rude much!" Ganyu gasped.

"Shut yo goofy cryo goat ass up we're busy discussing real topics," Scaramouche pushed her away.

Somewhere nearby, Sucrose shuddered. She'd been watching the conversation, and Scaramouche's push reminded her of the dark times on Dragonspine when he-who-must-not-be-named dramatically slammed her to the side for his selfish mission-ruining needs.

She promptly opens her menu and presses the panic attack button, and thus begins to panic.

Ganyu, now being a victim of The Push, senses her sister in need and rushes off to comfort a fellow trauma victim. Now it was just Scaramouche and Zhongli in their discussion about unicorn blood as a sparkling water flavor.

Signora was just now recovering from passing out, and slowly blinked open her eyes to see Raiden standing before her, Venti standing by her with a smug look.

You see, Venti had called up the professional Signora kicker for extra backup, and his crying and drunkenness was instantly cured by the way Signora cowered like a coward on this cowardly day.

This, obviously, leaves Kazuha and Beidou alone in the bar when Ningguang rushes in. She sees her family crying into each other and filled with alcohol. Instantly, she takes out her sparkle rainbow wand she stole from Iron Man when he last came to discuss Squishmallows with her, and cures their drunkenness with the power of water.

Cured, Beidou apologizes to them both, and takes Ningguang out on a date in Inazuma to make it up to her. Kazuha is alone. He gets bored and leaves the bar, surprised to see Scaramouche yelling at an old creaky man. He rushes over and joins in on roasting Rex Lapis.

"Yo mom so fat she puts Azhdaha to shame," Kazuha roasted.

"Your hair looks like ramen," Scaramouche added.

"You're so old I bet Ayaboba would refuse your entry," Kazuha said.

"You read so much brainy shit that Alhaitham looks at you like you're the scariest spider in the corner of the bathtub," Scaramouche commented. "And that's not a good thing."

Zhongli was cowering.

"Your clothing looks like it was donated to a Goodwill after being peeled off a dead philosopher," Kazuha insulted.

"You're so ugly your boyfriend can't bear to look at you," Scaramouche insisted.

"GASP!" Childe marched over. "The AUDACITY. Zhongsheng, you're the most hottest person ever, don't listen to these incompetent wormheads!"

Zhongli nodded, on the verge of tears, and Childe patted him on the head.

"Let's get out of here," Childe said, leading Zhongli to Cat's Tail.

Thus Kazuha and Scaramouche were left alone. They looked across the street, and spotted Gorou, Kokomi, and Dehya. They ran over to say hi and engage in sophisticated theorizing over the Heartstopper series.

Meanwhile with Venti and Raiden Shogun and Pile of Ashes:

Venti was being all cocky and insulting Signora, only able to do so because Raiden was there for protection.

"You pulled that hair out of a dollar store wig shop and then treated it with Barbie hair-care tools until it ended up looking like the frazzled wet cat you own because it is the only living thing that loves you, but it actually hat-"

KAEYA VS. ALBEDO. WHO'S THE BETTER ELSA?

The two squared off in the center of Mondstadt. Albedo yeeted green and purple and blue and red potions all over the place while Kaeya ordered his new horse friends to being an assault.

Everyone in Mondstadt turned to watch the chaos while the two exchanged Smash Bros quotes.

"FALCON PUNCH!" Kaeya shouted.

"KURAE!" Albedo yelled.

"PK STARSTORM!"

"STAR FOX, FIRE AT WILL!"

"RAY OF PUNISHMENT!"

This went on for a while until Sucrose recovered from her PTSD and saw Albedo wasting potions. She leapt out of Ganyu's arms and rushed in the frenzy.

"SUCROSE, NO!" everyone shouted.

To protect the innocent cinnamon roll, every single character rushed over and barreled into the mass. The pile of bodies started to glow and expand until a giant explosion sounded. Horses rushed away from the scene, the bell in the church exploded and Puss in Boots came out of it with Quasimodo, and Diona's drink actually failed.

Suddenly, a suspicious voice rang out.

"YOU SHALL NOW ALL DIE!" a dude shouted in Japanese.

The Inazuma people, Gorou, Kokomi, Kazuha, and kind of Scaramouche, all gasped. Everyone else was confused because Japanese just be like that. Without explanation, the suspicious voice multiplied and took shape of the Nobushi.

The army of samurai charged after the crowd, and everyone assumed defensive positions.

The battle was long and dragged-out. There were multiple standstills. Halfway through, after Signora fell in battle, they decided they needed a plan.

"We need a plan," Jean said.

The whole army was sitting around a small fire as the snow froze their noses and toes off. The scene would remind one of a classic world war movie like Saving Private Ryan or All Is Cold on the Western Front, or maybe Yosano's backstory episode from bsd.

The soldiers looked up at their fellow, and then glanced to their leader. Sucrose stood, her muscles bulging and her brave face addressing the crowd, her right-hand man, Ganyu, leaned on a building next to her.

"That is a brilliant idea, Jeanolious Coffiaddikt Gunnhildr," Sucrose addressed her soldier with full name for formality. "We should devise a course of action."

Mika raised his hand.

"If I could take a team of scouts, we could spy on the enemy," he proposed from his pogo stick.

"Take Bennett and Fischl. Maybe Razor so they think you're just walking your dog," Ganyu approved. "Anyone else have any ideas?"

"HORSIES!" Kaeya eloquently put.

"Hmmm," Sucrose stroked her beard. "Yes."

"Anemo attack squad?" Venti asked.

"Sure, take Kazuha, that short Fatui man, Jean, Sayu, and Dvalin," Sucrose said. "I, too, shall join."

Everyone nodded solemnly.

"First, the scout team will scout, then Kaeya will HORSIES!, then the anemo squad will release an assault," Sucrose announced. "Everyone else can go get McDonald's or smth idk and idc about you."

"Sounds swag," they all chanted.

Fischl, Bennett, Mika, and Razor walked quietly through the rubble.

"Why are we walking?" Bennett asked.

"Thy Prinzessin, curious of thee Bennett's inquirement similarly, proposes a submitted verbal response addressing said question by WikiHow, aka Mika in the current predicament befallen our noble squad," Fischl said in 3.74 seconds.

"Uhh idk," Mika shrugged.

"Razor ride," Razor said, standing on a rentable electric scooter.

Thus the squad sneakily hid behind bushes and leapt over waterfalls like in Mario Kart but on scooters. When it was time to spy, they all evaporated their scooters and watched through a concrete wall.

The enemies were in a quiet shouting match where they decided questions to be considered:

"We should attack at midnight-"

"That's so lame and predictable!"

"Yeah, every light novel ever be like."

"Fine then. Should we attack in broad daylight."

"Perfect!"

"We'll mobilize units 2, 5, 69, and 10 but leave out unit 2991 because they're coo coo crazy."

Unfortunately plot convenience doesn't exist and none of the people in the squad know Japanese. That's what they were speaking in btw.

Then suddenly Bennett got smacked in the head and learned Japanese!

He translated everything and the squad teleported back home, yelling to everyone the information that they had learned. Overnight, they prepared for the assault by grilling snakes and tasting moon tears.

Finally, as the sun reached its peak, the battle began. The samurai assault didn't start, however, before the Mondstadt army walked out onto the field and let out a sleepy scream while slingshotting, stabbing, and trampling.

Kaeya sent his unicorns to attack in a front offensive while Kazuha summoned a tornado of leaves. Blinded and chaosed, the attack began. Venti, Zhongli, and Raiden summoned Nahida, Murata, Focalors, and Tsaritsa from the hair salon and attacked at once. They formed a giant laser of intense lights and elements, exploding a crater into Mondstadt. Voltron style.

The blast was so huge that Razor suddenly learned English, Fischl realized she was delusional, and Bennett lost his optimism. Then, it opened a rift in the sky.

Like holy angels of Celestia, Arleccino and Columbina descended upon the ugly mortals, blessing them all with their hot sexy beauty. Behind them came Zelda, Princess Peach, and all the other random blond princesses including Rapunzel and John Wick.

With this backup, the samurai cowered, and fell back to the island where the Spiral Abyss is located.

"Sir, we need assistance," one called over the gunfire.

The Nobushi nodded at each other, and a young messenger boy ran up the tallest point of the island, blowing on the local assistance-blowing horn shaped like a loafing cat.

Immediately, the most powerful assistance-provider of all shook the earth and rose from the cracks in the ocean where the water divided at his will. Raising his hands up by both of his sides, he summoned an army of hot boyfriend. Thoma looked down on those who called upon him, and nodded, glancing at the enemy.

His hot boyfriend, his sister, and all of the Eremites followed Thoma's order to attack the army approaching from Mondstadt.

The war continued for three years before, finally, there was a call for peace.

The samurai had lost after Thoma realized he was late to teach his lessons for housekeeping and left with his hot ass boyfriend. The Eremites, leader-less, turned to the only Sumeru character there: Dehya, who if you remember, was chilling with Kokomi, Gorou, Kazuha, and Scara.

With the Eremites on their side, the Mondstadt army conquered the spiral abyss with all stars, and flung the Nobushi off to the backrooms.

Three days later, Mondstadt has recovered. Wounds are healing, people are done crying, and yeah ig that's how recovery works idk.

Signora left slowly, an umbrella held over her head as the rain poured. Behind her stood the army who she had fought violently to protect. They smiled and waved her goodbye. It was the first time she had been respected and loved by so many people. It was sad to leave.

On her way over the bridge, she suddenly tripped over a piece of fowl. Flailing, she crashed into Timmie, who fell with her over the edge and into the freezing water. They both died that day. Good riddance tbh.

Scaramouche waved goodbye to Childe, who chose to follow Zhongli and Ganyu home to Liyue instead of actually following through with the Tweetup, just as Signora had ignored it. Now he felt a bit lonely though.

As if his mind was read, Kazuha stepped up and put a hand on his shoulder. Heizou appeared and did the same on the other shoulder. The gays then proceded to board Beiguang's ship and sail away to the Wonderland Sekai for a fun vacation.

Venti spent the night with Raiden, watching K-dramas in Diluc's tavern. Xiao later appeared and Yae did too, both chillin' with their ships.

Eula and Amber walked by, watching the moon, holding hands. Tighnari and Cyno left for Natlan on their honeymoon. Kaeya hugged his new horses each good night individually, curling up in the hay with them and muttering about how epic life was.

The sun burst through the clouds and everyone smiled bc happy endings.

Just be glad Klee wasn't involved.

Except this isn't the end.

The Tsaritsa hopped on Twitter, quickly assembling her Fatui gang and calling for another Tweetup, this one in Fontaine, where she hoped the intense pollution would cover up their evil deeds. Because Signora was becoming emo, Childe was being gay, and Scaramouche was doing the Fandango, the Harbinger Tweetup wasn't complete. They needed their three missing members.

So the Tsaritsa sent out Arlecchino (the hot one), Pantalone (pants lmao), and Columbina (The VoiceTM international winner) out to kidnap their members.

DON DON DA!

Zhongli and Childe were busy at the time full on Lady and the Tramping some spaghetti when Pantalone, cloaked in black and standing in the shadows, snuck up behind them. Childe, with his epic instincts, predicted his move and bitchslapped him. Unfortunately, pants are immortal, so Pantalone ricochet'd off the wall and knocked out Childe.

Zhongli, reasonably, was livid. He threw a few Liyues at Pantalone before loosing consciousness because plot convenience. Thus, Childe was taken.

Next was Scaramouche.

Columbine stepped out of her Little Einstein rocket into the Empty Sekai. She realized it was totally a vibe and decided to talk with the emos before leaving to Wonderland where Scaramouche, Heizou, and Kazuha were jumping around on an elephant coated in glitter and guitars, super high on cocaine.

Colambino proceeded to murder the elephant and siren-screech at Scaramouche until he passed out. Then she kidnapped him. Calambina threw Kazuha and Heizou into a bag because she didn't want them witnessing her kidnapping, then tossed said bag in a river.

She smiled and hummed while she walked off.

Next was Signora.

Arlecchino sought out La Signora and found her contemplating in a bar in Inazuma, the land of trauma and struggling to brain. She tapped her shoulder and she turned to her, a scowl on her face.

"We must rendezvous with the gang gang," Arlecchino said somberly.

The Wild West depressing music played as Signora stood, setting her glass of vodka down. She went with her willingly.

They all met up in Fontaine, and began their Tweetup. However, two of them were held there unwillingly, and were very eager to escape. They only listened when Tsaritsa threatened their pinkie toes with a Crayola marker.

Together, Childe and Scaramouche decided to pretend to listen after enough torture and plot together through Liyuean sign language. Cyno taught them both one time don't ask.

Suddenly, Childe and Scara sprang from their bonds and detonated their Nokia phones inside the ears of Dottore. He promptly exploded, his remains rolling up into some sort of snowball and gobbling up the harbingers, all except for our two rebels and Arlecchino, bc she's so hot she has a hotness shield that protects her from gross things like Dottore.

Suddenly, Edogawa Ranpo and Edgar Allen Poe as well as Joseph Joestar and Caesar Zeppeli ALSO Yuichiro and Mikaela PLUS Sherlock Holmes and John Watson all show up to support Childe and Scaramouche's dreams of escaping their mafia and becoming iconic gay couples, just like them.

The cross-Fandom group of gays fuse into the also-gay-Voltron, who obliterates the Dottore meatball and explodes the entire Zapolyroraynirarskiyarny Palace and SnezhnaYAh itself. Except for Arlecchino because she's, still, too hot to die.

Thus we swiftly conclude this mess. Childe rode on Sidon's muscular back all the way to Liyue, where he asked Elmo for directions and then found Zhongli. He leaped into Zhongli's arms, and then got married and had children because Ningguang made mpreg legal for some reason.

Scaramouche hopped on his boyfriend's mom's boat and headed off to vacation.

Arlecchino realized that since her archon is dead, nobody can stop her from world domination. She snatched Tsaritsa's gnosis, skipped by the perfectly intact chessboard and grabs their spare anemo, dendro, electro, and geo gnosises (Gnoses? Gnosisi? Gnosisees?), and inserted them into herself. Harnessing these elements and godly powers, she budged the line at Starbucks.

The end.