Rule #1: Have a cool origin story. Every superhero has one: it's what they put in the first comic book about you, it's what they talk about at the beginning of every episode of your TV show, and it's what you'll be known for. It's not just what you do, it's where you came from.

I think we can all agree that everything bad that happened after I became a superhero can be blamed on Ike. And I think we can all agree that everything good that happened can be attributed to me (you see that use of attributed there? Yeah, I paid attention in AP English). I mean, after all, it was Ike's fault that I got powers in the first place and I was the reason things didn't go too horribly after that (meaning the world didn't end, you're welcome for that).

So I'm sure some of you are asking, why was it Ike's fault? This Ike guy, whoever he is, doesn't seem like a horrible guy. He just seems like a guy. So how could he be responsible for the almost end of the world? That's because he wasn't. He, instead, was responsible for me almost ending the world (notice the almost).

You see, on the day I got my powers I was supposed to meet Ike for a movie. We were having a sort of guy's day (as you can probably guess, Ike is my best friend) since it was a Saturday and snowing but not snowing enough to do anything actually fun. But Ike decided to stand me up and be completely lame. He never did explain to me exactly why he stood me up, I guess I never asked, but I wasn't about to just go home. I had walked all the way to the theater, it was cold, and I could smell the popcorn from the street so I wasn't giving up on my movie dreams. So I bought a ticket for the new Tom Cruise action movie from the sullen (and possibly high) girl in the box office and made my way to the theater.

Unsurprisingly, there was no one else in there (Tom Cruise isn't as young as he used to be). I settled into my seat in the middle of the theater with my popcorn between my knees as the lights dimmed. Some couple, one that didn't seem to interested in the movie, if you know what I mean, came in as the previews started but I paid them no attention. In hindsight, I probably should have paid them some attention but as a general rule I avoided looking at couples.

About halfway through the movie, which was just as you might expect, when some idiot in spandex and a cape came bursting in. It was Daring Dan, one of our local superheroes. But unlike Batman or Superman or one of those actually cool superheroes, Daring Dan was a bumbling idiot. Actually, all of our heroes in Cytropolis were idiots. Maybe some of them were not completely horrible but Daring Dan was not one of them.

Anyway, Dan burst in with all the elegance and grace of a ugly duckling and started shooting bursts of electricity (they're hard to describe, picture that he's shooting burst of lightning) at the guy who was sitting with his girlfriend. I half expected the guy to piss his pants and run off, he seemed like that kind of guy, but instead he got up and started shooting lasers at Dan. Anyone who knows anything about the heroes of Cytropolis knows who that was: Laser Linus. Also known as Daring Dan's equally bumbling and equally idiotic nemesis. Linus was so pathetic he couldn't even get his clothes off to reveal his (too small) spandex. The only reason Dan (who was smarter, but only slightly) hadn't gotten rid of him already was because Linus had better aim than Dan.

As soon as this fight started up, I was gathering my things to sneak out the back. There was no reason I had to stand here while these guys tried to outwit each other when they had no real wit to begin with. But then I was caught in a tractor beam of distraction as the woman who had come with Linus stood up. And no, I was not distracted because she was attractive (not even close). But damn she was loud.

Her name was Yolanda, I learned later. She had been going out with Linus for years (not that either of them were happy about it). But Yolanda was known for not wanting anyone than her to hurt Linus. She was constantly interjecting in his different fights in the most inappropriate ways. And as soon as she saw Daring Dan walk in, who pissed her off more than any of the other heroes, she immediately started yelling and throwing her arms all over the place. It was so distracting I completely forgot about leaving; she went from yelling to pouting and back again like ten different times in the span of about two minutes

On a side note: since Yolanda was the one who distracted me that day, I think we can blame everything that happened to me on her as well. It seems only fair.

So there I was, watching in a way that could only be described as curious as two idiots fought in front of a mentally deranged woman. It was like a car crash, or an argument between two of those Real Housewives women, I just couldn't look away. The men were jumping over seats and shooting their various beams at each other, looking like little kids that had to pee. I swear even Tom Cruise, who was beating up bad guys onscreen and looking way cooler, stopped to watch as they made complete fools of themselves.

But as the fun of watching them faded, I started to consider breaking up the fight before someone actually got hurt. It was only a matter of time before they realized they were at a stalemate and have a "until we meet again" moment (they thought they seemed like the Batman and the Joker but instead it was more like Casablanca). Before I could, Daring Dan, who, like I said, had absolutely horrible aim, shot me straight in the chest with one of his bolts of electricity.

Yes, my origin story is like The Flash (sort of). I am seriously just that cool.

I'd like to say that I said something awesome on my way down, something about how I always knew it would end this way, but I didn't. Instead I blacked out and woke up in the hospital the next morning.

I'm sure if you asked them, doctors everywhere would recommend letting patients wake up on their own, but my mother has never been one to listen to the advice of, you know, professionals. So she woke me up by shaking my shoulder and "lightly" slapping my face until I opened my eyes. It was like I was late getting up for school, except for the fact that I was in a hospital bed and had almost died. My step dad, Ron, was there too, standing in the corner with his customary cup of coffee. He was always the one to be more patient with me. Ron was cool like that.

"Thank god you're awake," my mom said. "I thought you were dead."

"Weren't the heart monitors a pretty good indication that I was alive?"

My mom rolled her eyes and started straightening out my sheets. "You never know with those things. The government could have been faking your heart beats so they could steal you away for some Captain America project."

Captain America: another superhero cooler than Daring Dan and also the only superhero my mom knew the name of. And that was only because Chris Evans was a "hunk."

"Honey, this is what happens when you don't sleep. You start talking crazy," Ron said, taking a sip of his coffee. "Do you need anything, Matt?"

"No thanks, I'm good. Just tired," I said, giving my mom a pointed look.

"What?" she asked, genuinely confused.

Ron shrugged in a "what are ya gonna do" kind of way. "She refused to sleep until you were up. She would have woken you up earlier if the nurses hadn't stopped her."

I could just see it, my mom fighting off nurses with her purse just so she could go into my room, make sure I was alive, and beat me senseless for scaring her. She had done all too similar things throughout my childhood.

"I see that our patient is awake," the nurse said, walking in and saving me from further conversation with my mother. "See, Mrs. Miller? I told you that he would wake up and be completely fine." My mother just sneered at her and moved closer to me, as if the nurse was here to steal me away to that secret government program she talked about.

The nurse paid her no attention and instead filled me in on everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours. Daring Dan had called an ambulance (at least I knew he was good for something) and I had arrived at the hospital in bad shape. But the doctors could not find anything concretely wrong with me. The electric bolt had seemed to do nothing. They had given me some pain medication, which accounted for my long nap, and had kept an eye on my status throughout the night. But since there was still no sign of damage, I would get to go home as soon as I was ready. Wasn't that just great?

It didn't sound that great to me, my mom wasn't as nice as the nurses and the hospital bed was way more comfortable than my bed at a home, but I didn't really get a choice in the matter. My mom already had my clothes all collected and pushed me into the bathroom to change so we could get home already.

The ride home was a silent one. It was a Sunday, the day my mom usually reserved for staying in her pajamas until two, and no one had anything to talk about. My mom did mention that Rachel had made breakfast this morning and some leftovers were in the fridge if I wanted them but that was about it. Ron drank his coffee, my mom drove, and I sat in the back. It was understood I would go back to school in the morning and I tried to conserve as much energy as possible in preparation with having to deal with all of that.

Luckily, the pain medications the hospital had given me were still sort of in my system so it was fairly easy to fall asleep once I got home. My mom drew the blinds for me, brought my some water, and left me alone (which was probably the nicest thing she could do for me). I was so tired that I slept soundly for hours. I might have slept through the whole day but then my sister decided to come home.

"Matt!" Rachel screeched, slamming my door open. She was always doing stuff like that, slamming doors and throwing things. She's a she-devil, that one.

Some more things about Rachel: she's an evil feminist. And don't think I'm against feminists, I know what the word means, I appreciate it and support it. But Rachel is the kind of feminist that makes actual feminists go "um, that's a little intense" and borders on misandry, also known as "hatred of males" (I told you that I knew my stuff). She's fourteen years old and going on twenty-five and she enjoys the fact that she is some kind of giant (5'7"), but only because that makes her taller than me (so what? I'm a little short. Deal with it).

I think that she is the milkman's kid because I, like my mom and my biological dad, have dark hair and dark eyes and Rachel has blonde hair and blue eyes. My mom has never confirmed this theory but I know I'm right. She has also taken to swearing like a sailor. She's even made me, a teenage boy who is of the demographic who basically invented cursing, blush with the kind of words she uses.

"What the fuck, dude?" she said, staring at me without blinking.

"Excuse me?"

"You get struck by lightning but you can't even call me to tell me you're okay?"

"I know for a fact that Mom told you what was going on."

"Whatever, it was a shitty thing to do." She threw herself onto my bed and glared at me.

"Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know that you cared about my well being."

"I don't. But everyone else knew what was going on and kept asking me what happened and I had no fucking idea. You totally embarrassed me."

"Gee, I'm sorry that me getting struck by lightning hurt you in any way," I said, pushing her off my bed. She glared at me again before moving to stand at the foot of my bed with her hands on her hips. She liked to call it her "I'm right so deal with it" pose but I prefer to call it her "I'm not PMSing but it would explain a lot if I was" pose.

"What's wrong with you anyway?" she asked in her oh so sensitive way.

"I don't know. The doctors couldn't figure it out."

"Did you, like, get powers?"

"What?"

"You were hit by a bolt of lightning by a superhero and the doctors can't figure out why you're not hurt. I've seen a superhero movie, I know what that means. So did you get powers?"

"No," I said.

"Well have you tried anything to see if you do?"

"No..."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course you fucking didn't."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Every other person in this stupid fucking city would have been throwing themselves off buildings and shit if they were in this situation, just to see if they had powers," she said. "But god forbid you actually check. It's not like you could actually be special or anything."

"What am I even supposed to do?"

"You're supposed to test things out."

"That makes no sense."

"Life doesn't make sense!" she yelled, waving her arms around before throwing my covers off. I immediately recoiled and curled into a fetal position. Throwing the covers off your brother is really mean, by the way. Not to mention creepy.

"Up, up!"

I think in another life Rachel was a drill sergeant because she had no trouble pulling me off the bed, throwing my robe at me, and pushing me down the stairs. In a moment of kindness she allowed me thirty seconds to put on my boots and my hat before shoving me headfirst into the snow. She locked the back door and made me wait outside while she leisurely put on her jacket, boots, three scarves, gloves, and a hat. Ike tries to defend her and say that when she did this, Rachel was trying to test if I was like the Human Torch or something. But I just think she was being mean.

When Rachel finally game outside, I was shivering so much I thought my dick would fall off (a serious fear of mine). She paid me no attention and just planted herself on our patio where there was the least amount of snow and watched me with wide eyes.

"What?" I asked.

"Do something."

"Do what?"

"Something!"

"That's not helpful!"

She sighed and started to say something but was interrupted by the neighbor's dog, Noodles, who had made his way through the crack in our fence (again). He planted himself at Rachel's feet, Noodles had a horrible sense for finding friendly people, and she kicked at him to go away but he was able to avoid her feet, still staring at her adoringly.

"Go away Noodles."

"Rachel..." I said, trying to recapture her attention. I had some shrinkage problems going on and couldn't stand being outside for much longer.

"Yes?"

"What exactly am I supposed to do?"

She ignored Noodles, who finally ran away to go pee in a pile of snow in the corner of our yard, and looked around.

"Hmm... Why don't you try to throw that tree stump?"

The tree stump in question was left over from a few weeks ago. Our old Oak tree had fallen down and it had taken days for a crew to come out and clear it for us. Apparently there's a whole process to get rid of an Oak tree and it's a felony to remove it on your own (Oak trees are sort of the badasses of the plant world). But the crew was the laziest crew we had ever seen and they had forgotten our stump. My mother refused to hire anyone else to move it, stating that she would call the company until they cleared it free of charge. So the rest of us were preparing to have that stump be there for the rest of our lives.

"You want me to throw a stump?"

"Yes."

"I can't do that."

"Maybe you can," she said."

"I know that I can't."

"Stop being a little bitch and throw the stump."

I slowly made my way over to the stump and watched it with a feeling of impending doom. There was no way this was going to go well. Rachel continued her act that this whole ordeal was completely normal and busied herself by shooing Noodles to his side of the fence. I thought about running back into the house and locking the door on Rachel but I decided against it. Knowing her she'd find a way in and beat me up and still make me test to see if I had powers.

The stump itself was not too terribly big, I can admit that. But in that particular moment, it seemed huge. It seemed unmovable. It seemed like it really would be there forever. But Rachel was glaring at me and it was only a matter of time before she started yelling again so I just decided to get over it. So I reached down, grabbed onto the stump, and pulled. For a second I thought nothing was going to happen, and even started to turn to Rachel to say "I told you so," but I didn't get to say that. But because Rachel was right, the stump instead went flying across the yard. It went right across the yard and over our fence.

That was when, and only then, I remembered something: Noodles was on the other side of that fence. But by that point there was nothing I could do, the stump was over the fence and there was a small "yelp!" from the other side.

"Oh my god I killed Noodles," I said.

"Oh fuck me. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck," Rachel replied.

"What do I do?"

"Go check on him!"

This is a little sensitive to say now but I'd like to point out one thing: because of Noodles I didn't get to celebrate getting my powers. But it was also because of Noodles that I discovered that I could fly. Yes, I am just that awesome. I have super strength and the ability to fly.

Anyway, I found out I could fly when I flew over the fence to check on Noodles. I will say that I was lucky that I could fly because I could not climb over a fence to save my life. But because of my flying thing I was able to actually get over the fence to check on poor little Noodles. Who was all right, by the way. He had a little scratch but nothing we couldn't blame on his habit of climbing through the fence.

When I was back over the fence and had reported to Rachel that Noodles was in fact okay, she was looking at me weird. Not in a scared or a confused way. In an excited way. In a "this is going to be so awesome" way. The kind of look people get when they're about to eat a huge piece of cake or something. And it was seriously freaking me out.

"What?" I asked.

"You're a superhero."

"No, I'm not."

"You have superpowers so you're a superhero."

"Yeah no." I moved towards the back door.

"Come on, Matt! If you have powers you have to be a superhero! It's just a waste if you don't."

"I don't want to be super anything, Rachel."

"Why not?"

"Because the superheroes are the reason I'm in this mess!"

"Matt, you've been given an opportunity and you have to take it."

I shot her a look. "What's in it for you?"

"Excuse me?"

"What's in it for you?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"You never do anything without there being some benefit for you. So how do you benefit?"

She shrugged. "I don't."

"Bullshit."

"There really isn't!" she said.

"I don't believe you!"

"Fine, there is a slight benefit for me."

"And that is..."

"I can be your sidekick."

"Yeah that's not going to happen," I said, opening the door.

"Please, Matt! Please! It would be so much fun!"

"No."

"Come on! What do you have to lose!" she whined, following me up the stairs.

"Goodbye, Rachel."

"Don't walk away from me! Just listen! It will be so great!" She followed me down the hall and to my door, where I promptly slammed it in her face. She yelled at me for a while after that but eventually gave up and went downstairs to watch TV.

And I thought that was the end of it. I had already come up with ideas to hide my powers forever and live a (sort of) normal life. As far as I was concerned, the situation was closed and that was it. I should have known that it wouldn't be that easy. Because late that night I was woken up by my sister, who was dressed all in black. She shook me awake, said "You're coming with me," and pulled me down the stairs.

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Whoohoo! The first chapter of "A Guide to Being Super" is up and running! Now that you've read the first chapter, what do you guys think? Tell me your first impressions! I love hearing your opinions.

P.S. Thank you so much to soundthealarm for making the banner at the top of this chapter. She's made me one for every chapter and I love them. Coincidentally, she also made this story's current (and amazing) cover. Check out her profile for a link to her cover thread!