An Autobiography ~

~ I Identify as my Chronic Disease

Not only do you have to deal with doctors talking nonsense and on top of that, you have to deal with the pain and pretend the pain isn't there. I don't know why I do it but I don't make up the rules. Every second of every day is an acting role as smiling and pretending the pain isn't excruciating is non-existent on my face when in public. 'Smile and wave boys,' is what I tell myself whenever I'm in public. I hate being in public with pain as I have no choice to broadcast a fake smile and pretend the pain isn't eating me alive right now. I also hate being in public because I just want to cry and I can't but sometimes I do and I hate it. Like, I can't go anywhere in public by myself as it's too risky as I get dizzy and I always need the hot water bottle and a bathroom everywhere I go. Also everywhere I go everyone stares at me. Which is fine because I'm used to it now, but crying in public is just embarrassing because no one knows what you're crying about as you can't see anything wrong with me. All you see is my hands clutching my stomach and my back hunched over in agony.

Even, at home I have to be careful as if I get up too quick I instantly get dizzy and fall wherever I am and I've hurt myself from falling a couple of times. I bruise very easily and I always manage to hurt myself when brain fog comes over me quite often. I can't have showers by myself as again, I get very dizzy and the pain increases if standing for too long. I have to avoid exercise but walking is okay but not too much as I get stitches in my stomach if I do too much walking. I can't do too much in one day or I pay for it later. I can't stand for too long or do house chores for too long either. I can only do a few things during the day as when nighttime falls, it's the worst time to be alive. I don't know why but at night the pain increases to 100% and the pain is unbearable and most nights I have to take my medication of an opioid to get rid of the pain but sometimes when the pain is very bad the opioid doesn't even work. I also hate talking pills as I feel guilt. I guess the way I can explain it if I take a pill to takeaway the pain then my pain might not be real and it's in my head but I know that not true but in the moment it is. Sometimes I don't take my medication because it's bad but not bad enough to take a pill. So, I have to battle it out and wait till the horror is over. The hot water bottle I also need as I can't go anywhere without it as it numbs the pain away but also burns me. It's a catch twenty two. So basically, I'm living the life of a disabled person. As sad as that sounds, it's true.

~ Remembering You

all we're doing with our pathetic life is
waiting for research
waiting for pain medication
waiting for help
waiting on doctors
waiting on a cure
waiting on them
the pain always knew
how to make a memorable entrance and a everlasting exit

CM 🎗

~ The Waiting Game

all we're doing is waiting these days
waiting and dealing with this stupid chronic illness—alone
loneliness taking control
trapped within the darkness
with an unknown path to take next
knowing neither of the pains
will never go away
because the pain is here to stay
this is the waiting game, after all

CM 🎗

~ Wishing Well

i know, we wish back in our childhood and adolescents
we could have somehow known what we know now
to warn ourselves about the horror yet to strike 
life would be so much less stressful
dreading for what is fast approaching—anguish
fearing the darkness ahead

CM 🎗