By the way. I'm writing this chapter while on call to a friend who keeps saying down the phone. "Is mayonnaise an instrument?" and "leedaleedalee!" in a deep voice trying to be Patrick from spongebob and it's very distracting so I'm sorry if this chapter isn't the best.

I sat outside the bar, next to Casey. The three boys inside. We were on one of the benches under a shelter that was connected to the building of the bar, to shield us from any rain that might come down. It wasn't raining, although it was a little cold.

"So he told me he liked me, well. Loved me, and I told him I loved him. I've given him constant hints to let him know I want to be his. I even straight up said to him I would be his if he asked me! And he's not asked me yet. He's not even made a move to ask me and I don't know when he will." I said sort of pulling at the roots of my hair stressing out. I felt Casey place her hand on my shoulder listening to me. "Or even if he will."

"He's probably just been waiting to get the concert out the way so he doesn't have to stress about it."

"The concert was days ago, he still hasn't asked and I don't understand!"

"Marsha chill out!"

I took a deep breath. Breathing in the cold air that sort of stung my nostrils. "I'm sorry. I'm just scared. What if this means he doesn't want to be in a relationship? And he just wants to fuck me around like every other girl."

"No- no Marsha it isn't like that. Why would he tell you he loves you if he had no intentions of being with you?" She asked me. She had a point. But it still couldn't help me to understand the dilemma I was in.

"I'm just. I'm waiting for him, he referred to me as his to this guy at the bar. He said to this café worker at bowling he's not my boyfriend but I'm still his." I told her, keeping my head in my hands and looking at the floor.

"See, he's claiming you, letting everyone know you're his. So he does have some intentions of making that statement true."

I nodded, sort of just giving in. I didn't really wanna talk about it anymore and depress myself on the last night. "Come on, let's go inside," I said standing up, she followed behind me as we walked back into the bar and took our seats back at the table with the boys. I took my seat next to Billie which seems to be closer to him then I remember leaving it, but none the less I ignored it and sat down. I felt Billie sling his arm around my shoulder as he looked over at me.

"You okay? You've seemed a bit off tonight."

I nodded biting my bottom lip. "Yeah. I'm okay- just sad this is the end of the trip, y'know?" I lied.

"Yeah, I get you." He turned back to his conversation with Casey, Tre and Mike.

"A-actually, Billie. Can we go outside for a moment? I think I need some air." I said to him.

"Need some air? I thought that's the reason you and Casey went out just a second ago?" He asked me in confusion. Which in honesty I had completely forgotten I already used that excuse.

"Oh- yeah, well erm. I need more."

He laughed slightly but didn't ask any more questions as he moved his arm from off me and got out his seat as I did mine, and we walked back out in the cold and sat on the wooden bench outside. I held my arms and rubbed them from being cold.

"Do you want my jacket?" He asked me. Sitting next to me.

"N-no I'm- I'm okay."

"Here just take it," he laughed, taking off his leather jacket and handing it over to me waiting for me to take it out of his hands. I sat there not wanting to take it from him, but his eyes insisted I take it. So I did, finally, and put it on. "Better?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "Thank you."

"Now what's up? And don't give me no bullshit like you just needed air cause you've been off all night and I'm worried about you Marsha."

I sighed. And dodged his eyes. Which I knew were staring closely at me, with worry. "I-I just," I dropped my hands in my lap, finally giving in to his stare and looking at him. "I don't know where we stand Billie."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Because, I told you how I felt about you and you told me. So our feelings are out the way, Y'know they're out there. I don't know if it's just something to do with you or what but we're obviously not 'a thing' or whatever but then what are we?"

He breathed out slowly, it was so cold I could see the breaths he were letting out. "I don't know myself. It's like, we're more than friends. That's for sure-" I cut him off.

"-But we're less than a couple?"

"Yeah, exactly that. And don't get me wrong, I love you. I think you're spectacular, you're amazing in every single way but-" here it comes. The 'I don't wanna exactly be with you' or 'I was just looking for a good fuck' or 'I see you as more of a friend than a girlfriend.' My heart was racing in my chest, I could hear every beat in my ear. He had paused, almost as if he didn't wanna say what he was about to say. And god if only he knew how much more the suspense was killing me than anything else. "-But I don't wanna hurt you. Because I wanna be with you in every single way that is possible- but god. I don't wanna hurt you, I don't wanna fuck things up, I'm scared."

And just like that. Billie Joe Armstrong had admitted to me he was scared of commitment.

"But what are you scared of-"

"-I'm scared of fucking something up and losing you, I'm scared of saying the wrong things to you constantly, I'm terrified at the fact that I'm so in love with you that I'm scared."

I put my arm around him as he had with me many times. "You've been nothing but good to me now, who's to say that you'll fuck a relationship with me up?"

"I'm just- I've just... I do plan on being with you. But I'm not good with relationship shit. So I apologise in advance if I ever lose you. Or I ever hurt you because those are not my intentions," he said looking at me, running a hand through his hair clearly stressing out more than I had been. "I cheated on Lucy who you met in the café- and don't get me wrong I would never ever cheat on you. But I need to know and honestly, are you scared I'm gonna fuck this up? Because if you think I've got this than that'll make me feel a ton better... but are you?"

What was I supposed to say? He was in front of me, almost crying because he's scared of committing into a relationship with me. And to be honest I was scared he was going to fuck it up. How can someone go from fucking girls every night and cheating to just suddenly changing after meeting one person? Is it even possible? I was scared he was gonna cheat, I was scared I would catch Him flirting with others, I was scared to put myself into a relationship with this guy because of how much more vulnerable that would make me if he ever did those things, and how much more pain he could cause to me if he fucks this up.

"You are aren't you?" He realised after a while of me being silent. Tangled up in the thoughts circling my head. He sounded hurt like he wasn't expecting me to actually be scared of him fucking things up. I guess he wanted to me give him the hope and the hype that he could do it. And I would of if maybe we hadn't run into Lucy at the café. He hurt her, I could tell. He hurt her because she wouldn't even say his name, she couldn't even come to give us our order after, she felt like she had to give me a note and look out for me because she had seen me with him. And fuck she was strong and had gotten over it. But I'm not strong, I'm not good with this. I don't even know any idea of love apart from the fact that I know whatever love is I feel it for him. But for him, he, he stared at me. With sadness filled eyes. And I couldn't help but feel a lump rise in my stomach. Feeling guilty. Guiltier than I ever had before.

"Well?" He insisted, sort of begging to get annoyed at my silence. "Oh my god you are."

"Billie I didn't say anything," I said softly. Trying to calm him down a bit.

"But you hesitated, you fucking hesitated!"

"Billie no its I-"

"-You hesitated-"

"-I was thinking-"

"-You was scared to admit that you are scared I'm gonna fuck this up, I can see it Marsha! I told you I see everything through your eyes. I can see the guilt in them now don't lie to me!" He was begging to scare me, not in a way where I feared for my health, or that he was gonna get violent and hurt me. But I was scared because Billie had never acted this way towards me before, and It hurt.

"Billie please will you let me talk I didn't give you an answer!"

"No," he shook his head, his eyes filling with tears that had created a pool at the bottom of them. Almost like a damn ready to explode. With one blink they'd fall. "But you don't need to. Cause In your hesitation I found my answer. And you didn't even have to say a fucking word." He spoke, getting up and walking away. Leaving me outside.

Outside in the cold, in the dark, by myself, with only my thoughts and his jacket that had his scent worked into every seam and hugging me. And I was begging to get scared it would be the last thing and maybe the closest I would ever get again to hugging Billie joe.

I was so scared of admitting to him I was worried he would fuck things up and I myself fucked things up by really not believing he had changed.

I gave myself a moment, to cry. To breathe. To gather my thoughts. To calm myself down. To pick myself up and collect myself. And then I stood up.

I went back inside, to find the boys with one missing. There sat: Tre, Casey and Mike. Sat grinning and laughing with drinks in their hands completely oblivious to what had happened obviously. Or at least I hope since I would like to think they'd show a bit more sympathy then laughing and carrying on with their night.

"Guys where's Billie?" I asked, my voice shaking and quiet.

"He said he felt not so good and was gonna cut the night short, he asked if we would give you a ride back- he's on his way to the hotel now. Everything okay?" Mike asked. The only one who actually heard my question since Tre and Casey were on the edge of kissing.

"Yeah- I'm okay- everything I mean. Everything's okay." I said quickly as I left the bar, I felt myself run out the entrance and quickly round into the parking lot looking around for billies car just praying to god I see it before he leaves.

And then I spotted it. I looked at it for a moment. Wondering if I was strong enough to go there or if I should just let him drive away. But the car didn't move. I began to walk closely to the car in the dark, the light above him on the roof of the car was on. So I could see him, his head leant on the steering wheel and his hands placed next to his head also on the wheel. The window was rolled down.

"Billie," I said, I was in distance for him to hear it as I watched his head quickly and automatically look up and around before his eyes landed on me.

Billies P.O.V

I looked over at her, she stood a bit away from my car. In the almost empty car park looking over at me.

"What?" I said bluntly. I tried to show no emotion on my face, or through my voice. But I felt as if my heart had been violently torn out of my chest. Everything I had done- I even brought her here. And she thinks I'm still that sort of person.

"I'm sorry Billie I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't mean to hurt me?" I snapped, "You're scared too I'm gonna fuck this up. You're supposed to be the one who fucking believes in me! You're meant to be the one that makes me feel better! You're supposed to make me feel like less of a fuck up! But you really think that after every single, every single thing! I said to you on the rooftop, after every fucking gesture, everything! That I'm just gonna fuck this up?"

"But you even said that you're scared you are!"

"Yes because that's me! That's me being insecure! That's me being scared to lose you! I'm only scared that those things will happen because that will mean I've lost you! And I'm not scared of them happening as in I'm scared I'm just gonna accidentally bang some chick! I'm scared of those things happening in a misunderstanding! But I wouldn't have to worry about that if you didn't think that I was gonna mess this up, and you knew I'm not just some dirty jerk that's messing with you Marsha!" It had all came out. And I didn't really regret it. I was hurt that she thought that way. After everything I had done for her just to prove how much I cared.

But she didn't say anything else, she was silent. She stood there silently, tears slowly streaming down her cheeks as she had her arms around herself. Hugging herself. But not in the way I had seen her hugging herself earlier: because of the piercing cold stabbing at her bare skin. But like she was trying to hold herself together physically. Like if she was to ever let go, she would fall apart. It was almost like I was staring at a broken doll trying to stop her pieces from falling out, it was breaking my heart. The feeling of just wanting to go over there, wipe the tears from her eyes and her red cheeks, hold her so she didn't have to hold herself. Kiss her and tell her I'm not mad and take her to the hotel and just cuddle with her.

But I didn't, instead... I broke eye contact with her as I started up the engine and beginning to drive away fast. Not looking in any rear view mirrors to see her. I was almost scared I would see her on the floor, broken.

Marsha's P.O.V

And that was it, he drove off. As I fell to the floor crying, gasping for air.

I guess I was the most upset because he had never been that way towards me. He was always a gentlemen really, or flirting and playful. But now he was screaming and shouting at me, and leaving me to fix myself up. And it made me feel like shit. I had never saw this side of him and now I'm experiencing every part of it. I'm not very good at handling people shouting at me, especially not people who I'm in love with.

"Marsha what's wrong!?" I heard a worry female voice ask me as I felt someone wrap their arms around me and sit next to my side. The familiar scent made me really it was Casey hugging me, as I cried into her hoodie. Not being able to breathe and hyperventilating like a child.

"Marsha, what happened?" Tre asked kneeling in front of me with Mike at his side sharing the same worried expression.

I sat crying on the floor as they took me to Tre's car, they opened the back door and sat me in it. With my legs and myself still facing out the car with the door open as I calmed myself down.

Then once I had, I told them every single thing.

They hugged me, they told me it was okay, and they drove me back to the hotel. Hugged me again, told me it was all gonna be sorted, and left me at the front of mine and Billies hotel room.

I checked the door, it wasn't locked. So I crept in quietly. The lights were off, nothing was on. And I saw Billies body clearly in bed. I shut the door and locked it behind me going into the bathroom, getting changed and wiping away the mascara that had stained my red cheeks. Irritated by how much I had been wiping them.

Then I crawled slowly into bed, Billie was already asleep. And it felt weird, to just lay there. With my arms at my sides, my body facing the ceiling and not wrapped around Billie.

Sometimes, when I was a child. I would get this feeling a lot, of something moving, that was too big for me to manage. That I Couldn't handle it. It always gave me a nostalgic feel. But I couldn't even describe how it felt correctly. Because every time I thought about it and tried to describe how it felt In my head while it was happening, it would leave. Like I wasn't supposed to catch it there.

I had that feeling all night, As I laid awake, in the deafening quiet of me, my thoughts and Billies snoring.