"How hidden the heart, Nance thought. How frightened we are of being known, and yet how desperately we long for it." Hannah Kent, The Good People

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XXI.

Joe knew that he ought to have been angry with Perrie. Perhaps he would be tomorrow. Perhaps he would resent the fact that she had not known it was him again tomorrow. But he couldn't be angry now.

As Joe had danced, he felt the lightest that he had in years. Nothing could seem to bother him in those few moments, not what his father had said, not even Perrie. She did not bother him at all. Instead, she smiled.

Her smiles were for Ed, but not even that could affect him then. He could pretend that she knew it was him for a brief interlude. He could do so because Joe quickly realised that he coveted those smiles. He wanted those smiles above anything else, and he could happily play pretend in that moment so that he received them.

She looked up at him with her beautiful, blue eyes. How had he ever cursed them as too big, too curious, too annoying? How could he ever have willingly dismissed any opportunity to look upon them? Joe's eyes fell across the rest of Perrie's face, and he could only feel his own smile grow. Her cheeks were flushed from the dancing, but she had not looked away from him.

Perhaps he would find her annoying again tomorrow, but not now.

A few wayward tendrils had loosened from the pins in her head. Joe found that he appreciated this immensely. The very slight disarray of dark hair made her look more like herself. She was still Perrie, even if she was dressed like a princess, and Perrie was looking at him.

"Do you still want to dance the next, Mr Parish?" Perrie asked him.

Joe nearly jumped at her sudden question, and he wondered for how long he had been standing in the middle of the dance floor staring at her. A quick glance around them told Joe that the musicians were about to play the next dance.

"Oh, yes," he breathed. "Of course."

Perrie beamed, and she allowed him to lead her back into position.

Joe could not believe the pride he felt as he walked those few feet with Perrie on his arm. He barely noticed the looks of envy from the gentlemen in the room who had been denied the opportunity to be introduced to the most eligible debutante-to-be. It was the simple fact that he was walking with someone who he could feel from deep within was glad to be with him.

Were Joe not a fool, he would have reminded himself in that moment that Perrie was glad to be standing with Ed, but he was indeed a fool, and a glad one.

They both took their places in line, and once again faced one another. As the strings began to sound and the dancers began to move, Joe found his feet stepping towards her with a mind of their own. His eyes did not leave her own for the entire sequence, and for the next two minutes they turned about the room together as one.

Joe wondered if Perrie knew just how reliant he was on her during their dances. He prayed that his deafness did not give way to clumsiness. He lost the music on some turns and simply moved with her instead, but if Perrie noticed, she did not say anything.

When the music ended, the dancers all stopped to applaud once more. It was the first time that Joe's eyes had left Perrie's, and instead now he was looking at the back of her head. A singular curl was holding on for its life in and amongst the pins, and it was one swift movement away from tumbling down her back. Joe longed to pull it free. He was far too impatient.

When Perrie turned back towards him, Joe was slightly startled, and he hoped that he did not appear as though he had been obviously staring at her.

He did not understand what had come over him in the last half an hour, but Joe was certain that if Perrie did not do something to annoy him quickly then he would soon be lost.

To her, or in general, he did not know.

Perrie stepped towards him until she was standing adjacent to him on his right side. "If you do not escort me back to my father, I fear we might be trampled to death by the next lot of couples, Mr Parish," she whispered, a hint of humour in her voice.

Joe bit down on his tongue, resisting the retort that came naturally to him. Sparring of any nature would certainly give his identity away, and Joe was not prepared to give up Perrie's smiles just yet. Instead, Joe offered Perrie his arm, which she happily accepted, and he led her off of the dance floor.

Perrie's parents were still standing near the entrance of the ballroom as they received the arriving guests. But the moment his daughter approached, it was clear that the duke had lost interest in whatever pleasantries the newly arrived gentleman and his wife were offering.

When they reached Adam and Grace, Joe found himself quite reluctant to release her, but he made no show of it as Perrie returned to stand in between her mother and father. She was so small beside the duke, the same as she was so small beside Joe, but her age truly showed then, and it made Joe quite angry to think of the men in the room who would happily marry a seventeen-year-old girl despite being twice her age for the advantage of her fortune.

"You dance very well, Mr Parish," the duchess complimented Joe kindly. Her eyes, which mirrored Perrie's, crinkled softly at the edges with her smile.

"Thank you, Your Grace. I fear I owe any semblance of grace to a ... a delightful partner." It was gentlemanly, and what Ed would have said, thought it was entirely honest.

Were Joe speaking as himself, he would have said something like, 'I wasn't aware that imps had legs long enough to move with any grace,' with every intention of eliciting a reaction from Perrie.

But he didn't want to provoke her in that moment. And perhaps that was the first time in his eleven years of knowing Perrie Beresford that he hadn't wanted to provoke her.

Despite her impish height, Perrie danced with every ounce of grace a lady ought to possess. And on this very night, she could only dance with him.

And Ed.

But Joe wasn't going to think about that in this moment.

His sudden possessiveness would be a questionable habit to address at another time. It would be attended to along with the very fact that he found Perrie Beresford the farthest thing from insufferable in that dress.

"Well, my dear. You have now had your first foray onto the dance floor." Grace put her arm around her daughter.

"And your last," Adam added bluntly. "It was a short dancing career, but I am certain you shan't miss it."

Grace laughed as she rolled her eyes.

Joe frowned as the duke, duchess, and Perrie all turned their attention to something beside Joe, as if someone had spoken. He turned himself, and his curiosity about made him lose all of his composure. He was met suddenly by the face of his father who had come up on Joe's left. Joe could be certain that he had done that on purpose. But then, he could not be sure that his father had ever paid enough mind to know what the extent of Joe's injuries beside terminal disappointment were.

"They certainly did look very well together, Viscount," Grace replied dutifully. "Your Edmund is very graceful indeed."

John slapped Joe's back hard, but made it appear as though he was offering his son some sort of congratulations. "My Edmund," he replied, though the sharpness of his words set Joe's teeth on edge.

Perrie might not have been able to tell the difference between Joe and Ed, but John Parish certainly could. And it was clear that John, like Perrie's parents, had been watching. Really, Joe had known that this was likely to happen. He had simply not allowed himself to fear it when he had been dancing with Perrie.

It took every iota of his own strength and will not to tremble. He was Ed. Ed did not fear their father.

"I hope you are enjoying the festivities, Viscount," Adam spoke evenly. "Do tell Joe to make himself known, wherever he is. He works very hard with me. He deserves to take a turn with any one of the lovely girls my mother has invited here."

"I am certain Joe is somewhere about finding some trouble," replied John, his hand balling into a fist on Joe's back.

That comment made Adam chuckle. "I am surprised my daughter has not joined him." Adam then put his arm around Perrie supportively, and Perrie was then in the arms of both of her parents.

To any onlookers, Joe wagered that their small party would have looked like prideful parents embracing their children. How ignorant they would be for some.

"Do excuse us, Your Graces." John bowed his head to both Adam and Grace, before uttering, "My Lady," and bowing to Perrie.

Joe allowed himself to be led away, and he dared not look into Perrie's eyes again. He did not want her to see him about to bring up his stomach.

The moment that they were out of earshot, John hissed, "What the hell are you playing at?" John grabbed a fistful of Ed's coat and stopped Joe from moving, turning him around rather roughly to face him.

Joe paled at the closeness of his father. He had not been so close to his father's face in a long time. He could see every fleck of hatred in his eyes. John Parish hid none of his disgust from his youngest son.

"Where is Ed?" John demanded to know through clenched teeth.

"He is indisposed," Joe managed to reply in a voice that did not entirely shake. "He was indisposed momentarily, and I volunteered to keep his promise to Lady Perrie." He was not going to tell his father that the idea had been Ed's. Ed was still good in their father's eyes. Joe wouldn't take that away and have Ed experience any of this.

"Indisposed?" John repeated. "I don't believe you. Do not think that I do not know what you are capable of playing at when it comes to that girl. I have received word of your childish antics for years from that reverend teacher. If you so much as think of spoiling this union for me then you will wish that you had never been born."

"Like you do?"

The words escaped Joe's mouth entirely involuntarily. He gasped as soon as he spoke them, and he jumped about half a foot in the air with surprise.

John sucked in a sharp breath and his eyes narrowed. "I would watch your tongue if I were you, boy," he seethed. "I have the power to make your existence a very miserable one."

What else could he possibly do to make Joe feel any more unwanted than he already did in the last twenty years? Save for painting the words "my mother's murderer" on his forehead, Joe had not really known a day where his existence was not miserable in the presence of his father.

A mere minute ago, Joe had been in the presence of a father who would no doubt throw himself in front of an out-of-control carriage in order to protect any one of his children.

Joe was certain that his father would not even spit on him if he were on fire. John Parish would perhaps gladly be the arsonist.

"Ed was indisposed," Joe told his father as calmly as he could muster. "I do nothing to spoil your plan. Lady Perrie did not know it was me. She is charmed as ever by Ed."

Again, mere moments ago, Joe had been quite comfortable with this notion. Perhaps it would not be tomorrow, as he had predicted, when this would anger him.

Only it did not anger him. It saddened him. It saddened him that the only person who knew it was him hated him.

Then again, Perrie was no different.

The moment that thought crossed Joe's mind, he cursed it. Perrie was nothing like his father. Their conflict was entirely different, and Joe gladly participated in it.

Joe couldn't stand to be in his presence any longer. He abruptly turned his back on his father and marched away from him, dodging and weaving through the crowds to head towards the open doors out to the terrace where he had left Ed.

The moment he crossed the threshold, Joe was created by the night air that was significantly cooler than the crowded ballroom, but not even that was enough to stop him from ripping off the cravat at his neck. The moment the strip of silk was free, he pulled at his buttons and opened his shirt up at the base of his throat so that he could breathe.

A quick glance at the terrace showed no sign of Ed, and Joe wondered where his brother had escaped to. Had he escaped all together? Would Ed do that? Joe had never seen his brother so affected before reading that letter, and if the woman, whomever she was, had summoned him, Ed appeared to love her enough to do that.

But Ed would not leave without saying goodbye, so Joe knew that he had to be around somewhere.

The noise of the ballroom behind him was distorting and crackling, and Joe found himself getting overwhelmed by it all. Joe found himself heading towards the terrace stairs and quickly found himself down on the dark lawn below. The gardens were dimly illuminated by a few torches, as well as the light drawn from the house above. However, the distance the gardens gave him from the stimulation of the ballroom was necessary respite.

Joe still covered his ears. He covered his ears and closed his eyes to block everything, and yet his head was still filled with noise. All he could hear was his father's words swimming about, taunting him and belittling him.

He felt the pain of the explosion all over again, and yet the worst part of it all had been that his father had been disappointed that Joe had made it off of his deathbed.

He hadn't meant any of it!

Joe hadn't meant to kill his mother.

Joe hadn't meant to be collateral damage in that explosion.

Joe hadn't meant to fail at every aspect of his life.

Joe never wanted to be hated. He only wanted to be noticed, to be seen ... to be loved.

"Joe!"

Joe heard his name as his right hand was pulled away from his ear. He yelped in fright as he realised that someone had come up behind him and he'd been none the wiser.

Softly lit by the silver moonlight, in contrast to the dim, golden, flicking of the torch flames, Joe realised that Perrie had followed him outside.

"Perrie," he breathed, his throat thickly coated with panic.

Perrie didn't hesitate as she reached for him, setting his hands up on his upper arms, her neck craning up at him as her brows knitted together. "It's alright, Joe," she said tenderly.

It took Perrie uttering his name for a second time to properly realise that she was referring to him. He was still wearing Ed's coat. He was, for all intents and purposes, still Ed.

"H-how do you know it's me?" he stammered.

Perrie's brows softened. "I know you, Joe. I would know you anywhere."

The air left Joe's lungs, and all sense left his brain as he could only comprehend one thing. Perrie saw him.

Without a thought, as he had none, Joe closed the distance between them, capturing Perrie's lips in a searing kiss.

----

Did I, or did I not, promise you a Chapter 21 that my reputation is aligned with? Hehehehe I hope you liked it!! 

And I just love that it's chapter 21 and there's a kiss and now they can live happily ever after because that's my reputation too. I just write the most drama free cheery stories ever. It's my thing, as you know. You're all so welcome!

Hahaha but nawww my sweet baby JoeJoe. Don't worry, I love you. We all love you. 

Anyway, up a day earlier than usual as I'm out tomorrow night. I'm not coping with having a social life. Next weekend is my last weekend for a while that I have plans, so I'm not doing anything for a month hahahaa

I'm out at another concert tomorrow night (AFTER SEEING HARRY LAST WEEK WTFFFF AMAZING!!!!) and then the theatre next week then I'm dumping my butt in social retirement for a bit lol. 

Anyways, better get to sleep. I'm up early for Pilates tomorrow morning!

Vote and comment xxx