"It is not about finding the right person. People are not that right. Even if they start out right, we soon have a litany of complaints. The only answer is to be the right person ourselves. Then everything will tend to work together in a good way." Donna Goddard, Circles of Separation

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XLI.              

Joe could see the sincerity in Perrie's beautiful blue eyes as she said the words. She loved him. Despite all she knew, she still chose him.

There was a part of Joe's mind that he could deny that accused him of selfishness. How could he take her heart when he did not yet deserve her? But the word Joe forced himself to focus on was yet. He would not walk away from her. He could not walk away from her. Joe knew that he would do whatever it took to deserve Perrie Beresford.

You love her beyond reason. You already deserve her.

A new voice sounded inside of his mind that felt foreign, and very sudden. But the echo of doubt became simply that. An echo. It would certainly reverberate off of the walls of his brain from time to time, but he could not let it eclipse this.

"Tell me what it is you are thinking," Perrie whispered, her face so close to his that her breath brushed over his lips.

"I am thinking that I deserve you," Joe replied, just as softly.

Perrie smiled. Her smile was as bright as the morning sunshine, a smile of pure happiness. "Good. You do." She closed the small distance that remained between them and she kissed him.

Their one shared kiss at the ball had been a feverish impulse on Joe's behalf. It had been done disrespectfully and inappropriately, and it had truthfully only added to his own conviction that Perrie was far beyond him.

But as he held Perrie in his arms, her small figure wrapped around him, Joe felt with every breath in his being that this was right. Perrie was good. Infuriating, but good, and she made him good.

Joe lost himself in that moment. The only thing that he had any desire to focus on was the feeling of Perrie's lips firmly against his has her small fingers knotted themselves in his hair.

They were only parted when the someone rather aggressively cleared their throat nearby.

The sudden interruption caused Perrie to leap away from Joe, and the instinct that filled him suddenly to pull her back into his arms was great indeed. But the source of the sound was made clear moments later when Adam stood in the doorway of the drawing room with his arms folded across his chest and a stern expression of disapproval on his face.

An all too familiar fear began to flood Joe's system. He dreaded to disappoint Adam.

The duke left you alone with his daughter. He knows that you love her. He approves of you.

Joe's nerves were on edge as he tried to soothe himself, but Perrie had other plans.

"Joe had a toothache, Papa!" Perrie cried suddenly. "Nasty, horrid thing. We might need to summon a doctor to extract it. I tried to get a look at it, but it is rather challenging to see in this light."

"I imagine it would be rather challenging to see Joe's toothache with your eyes closed, Peregrine," Adam agreed in an entirely unhumorous tone.

Perrie suddenly shoved her elbow into Joe's ribs, to which he exclaimed, "Ow!"

"You see! He is in awful pain, Papa!" Perrie insisted.

It was as though Adam's mask fell away as he could not help but snicker, a smirk etching itself onto his face. He shook his head as he rolled his eyes, murmuring, "I always thought that your mother and I had named you two girls around the wrong way. You are your grandmother in so many ways. But your quick wit at times, my girl, is so like my father."

The duke had just witnessed his daughter in a compromising position with a man. Betrothed or not, it was not a position that most gentlemen would be comfortable finding their daughters in. The anger had evaporated as quickly as it had come, and the duke reminded Perrie of his level of affection for her.

Parents loved, protected, and forgave. Family was never meant to be transactional, as Adam had told Joe, and there he was proving it.

"Dear Grandpapa Peregrine. We ought to visit him when we return to Ashwood, Papa," Perrie suggested to her father enthusiastically. "The wildflowers will be blooming spectacularly at this time of year. We shall make a bouquet."

"You shall absolutely make your grandfather a bouquet, and you shall absolutely remove yourself from this foyer before Joe gets another troublesome toothache." Adam flicked his finger, instructing Perrie to move to his side. "You are not married yet, children."

Perrie offered Joe a sheepish smile, and uttered, "You've yet to ask me, you know," before she obeyed her father, rose to her feet, and flitted to his side.

Adam, however, had caught her comment, and stated, "I don't quite care if any formal proposals have been made or not. I'm in the midst of securing a special license, and you will be wed before the week is out. Think of the license as a getting out of prison, pre-wedding gift, from your mother and I."

Joe concentrated on taking several deep breaths as he witnessed the interaction between father and daughter. He kept himself calm, and he reminded himself that everything was alright. The duke bore no resentment, not that Joe could see, and Perrie's smile could not have been wider.

"Before the week is out?" Joe suddenly exclaimed, the duke's comment registering in his mind at that moment.

Adam nodded. "You had better hope your teeth hold up before the big occasion, Joe. I would hate for another ache to spoil the wedding."

Despite being just discovered by her father, it was clear by the expression on Perrie's face that she found the whole interaction simply hilarious. The colour in her cheeks was beautiful, and Joe could not help but feel soothed by her delight. That devilish imp would be his wife.

"Go and sit with your mother. There is someone who has dutifully waited his turn for a moment of privacy with Joe," Adam urged, ushering Perrie inside the drawing room, before he left the door ajar.

Joe watched as Ed stepped out into the foyer, shutting the door behind him. Ed looked simply awful, and all humour, the brief thrill of it that Joe had felt, vanished. The bruising was developing on Ed's face from where Joe had struck him, but the stress and anxiety was what truly wreaked havoc on his features.

"I could kill you," Ed said hoarsely.

"Please don't." Joe quickly got to his feet and let his hands dangle at his sides. "There is a line. Perrie is first."

"You're an idiot."

"I am certain you are right. You could have a rather long conversation with Perrie about that."

Ed found no humour in what Joe had to say. He was furious, but equally as afraid. Joe was standing before him, battered, and smelling of gaol, but he was there and well. This did not seem to ease any of Ed's anxieties.

"You could have died!"

"For you, I would have." Joe had sought his own punishment of his own perceived sins, but he would have given his life for his brother. He still would without a second thought. He now prayed that such a choice would never have to be made again.

"We came into this world together, brother. You had best understand that we will be leaving it the same way. Do not you ever leave me behind," Ed said fiercely. "I have died a thousand deaths these last twelve hours. I know you. I know your mind. I know it all. What I also know is that there is always a way out, and one that we can find together."

Joe took a breath and nodded. In coming to terms with the fact that he was someone who could deserve a love like Perrie's, he also could see that the love he had for his brother was fiercely reciprocated, and equal in its fervent bond. The love between family was not transactional. He did not need to earn Ed's love. The same as Ed did not need to fear Joe's disapproval.

The love of family, true family, was infinite. It could not be damaged or taken away, and it certainly weathered the harshest of storms.

"I'm sorry, brother," Joe whispered.

A wave of guilt covered Ed's face as he hurried across the marble foyer to throw his arms around Joe. "I'm sorry," he insisted. "I'm sorry for ever taking you there. I'm sorry for putting you in that position, for forcing you to make that choice between you and me."

"Stop," ordered Joe. He squeezed his twin before he pulled away and looked upon Ed's face. "As an expert in the art of guilt, I simply forbid you to feel it. It's done. I'm free, and you are safe. I am also a great fool, but I am trying to mend my ways."

Ed sniffed, before nodding stiffly. He used the cuff of his shirt to wipe his eyes. "I would have killed you if you died."

"I told you, there's a line. Perrie is first!"

Ed broke then, finally, and an emotionally charged laugh escaped his chest. He then pulled Joe in to hug him once more.

***

Joe bathed after he had eaten a small meal, and he took care to scrub every remnant of that cell from his body. It was an odd feeling after he had stepped out of the bathtub. He was clean. It was an entirely new feeling of cleanliness that felt foreign. But it was also frighteningly invigorating.

Joe did not have another chance to speak with Perrie alone for the rest of the day. The news of the special license, however, did arrive sometime after luncheon, and Adam was quick to write to the vicar at their London church to organise their wedding for the upcoming Friday morning.

Grace was charged with writing home and sending for their family to come to London to attend the wedding, before Perrie was whisked away upstairs to pull apart her wardrobe to find something suitable to wear.

Not even Perrie's Aunt Belle, apparently, could work a miracle as to assemble a wedding gown in four days.

The plans materialised rapidly, and without much input from Joe or Perrie themselves. This seemed to be the dowager duchess' forte as she rapidly barked orders at servants to prepare such things as the wedding breakfast.

It was a situation that begged for being overwhelmed. Joe had gone from being almost resigned to his own demise, to being practically wed in the space of a day. But all he needed to do to settle himself was to look upon Perrie.

When she caught his eye, she smiled a knowing smile of reassurance. And when she was not looking at him, he could simply admire her. She loved him. She loved all of him. Even the parts he had not shared. He had heard it from her own lips.

And all he could think of was bearing it all. He wanted Perrie to see everything, and he was filled with a confidence that he had never felt before.

If she knows all, she will be horrified.

She will fear it will happen to her. Like father, like future son.

She will leave.

"No, she won't," Joe whispered to himself as he watched Perrie from across the room. She was sitting and listening to her grandmother list the different types of biscuits that were appropriate for a wedding breakfast, while pretending to ask for Perrie's approval. "She loves me, and I will protect her."

After everyone had gone to bed that evening, Joe made the decision, a certainly foolish one, to visit Perrie's bedroom. But then, he figured, they could not be any more betrothed than they already were. What was the worst that could happen if they were discovered again?

But the moment that he opened his bedroom door to creep out into the hallway, he was confronted by a figure standing before him. He nearly leapt out of his skin before her height confirmed her identity in the shadows.

"You about scared me to death, Little Imp," Joe hissed, though he smiled. Perrie clearly had read his mind.

"How disappointing. I had imagined killing you in a much more colourful way." Perrie giggled, before she marched into Joe's bedroom without waiting for an invitation.

"Forgive me. I left my guillotine in my other trunk." Joe snickered as he closed the door behind her.

"Fear not, I brought my guillotine with me," Perrie quipped in a quick response.

He immediately went to collect his lamp from the table beside his bed. Joe had been planning on making his way to Perrie's bedroom in the dark to avoid detection. It seemed that Perrie had shared the same line of thought. Joe turned up the flame and filled the room with a low, yellow glow.

Perrie sat down on top of Joe's trunk that lay at the end of his bed. She knitted her hands in her lap, and that was when Joe noted that she was wearing her night things. Her hair had been fixed in two plaits that hung down over her shoulders that looked like two thick, dark ropes against the white of her nightgown.

"I'm frightened." Perrie spoke suddenly, and simply.

Joe immediately stowed his own anxious desire to tell Perrie the story of his birth, and instead knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in his. "Tell me what is frightening you."

"I have never been married to a man before."

"Neither have I," Joe replied with a quip.

Perrie smirked, rolling her eyes, before huffing. "I came home from school this summer entirely convinced that I would be the worst sort of wife ever to exist. I was quite determined that I wouldn't be married because I would not be any good at it."

"What sort of wife do you anticipate that I would want?" Joe asked curiously.

"Oh, well ... the sort that everyone wants," Perrie mumbled. "You know, good with languages and drawing, someone who is not rubbish on the pianoforte and can hold a tune. Probably lovely at dinner parties. Collects books. Actually reads books. Knows the names of flowers." Perrie's list became more and more incoherent as she lost confidence in herself. Her list sounded like the doctrine of her stupid school, and Joe could see that Perrie did not believe that she possessed any of those skills.

"She does sound like the best sort of wife," Joe agreed with a serious nod. "I will need a wife to host all of the dinner parties that I will throw."

Perrie whacked Joe's chest playfully, ripping one of her hands free.

Joe smiled. He was pleasantly surprised at the level of certainty he felt in hearing Perrie's worries. He enjoyed feeling strong enough to settle her, or at least to try and settle her.

"Did I not tell you already today that I would not change a single hair on your head?" Joe playfully lifted one of Perrie's plaits. "What on earth makes you think that I would want a finishing school wife? I hope you are not expecting a finishing school husband."

Perrie managed a small smile. "I'm nervous," she then said. "All my grandmother could talk about today was madeleines. I don't care about a silly biscuit."

"I'm nervous," Joe replied, squeezing Perrie's hands. "I've never eaten a madeleine before. What if I don't like them?"

Perrie's small smile became a grin, and Joe's heart swelled. "I will be a rubbish wife; I hope you know. You said so on many occasions. You pity the poor sod who would find himself tied to me. You are that poor sod. Do you pity yourself?"

Joe could vividly hear himself saying such things to Perrie, and at the time he had meant them ... in a way. But now he could not imagine any other sod other than himself standing up with her, and he could never be classified as poor. "No," Joe said firmly. "I am an incredibly fortunate man to have found his way into your heart. You love me, Perrie. I can't ask for anything more. I could never wish for anything more. But you must forget about the things I said when you were irritating me."

"But that makes me sad to hear," Perrie replied softly. "You can ask for anything, everything. Love is the minimum. I know ... I know that love has been a rarity in your life, but it is the minimum. And it is the minimum of what you will receive from me every day."

Anything? Alright, Joe thought, please love me after this.

"Can I tell you about my mother?"

Perrie immediately stiffened as the severity of the topic washed over her. Her posture straightened and her lips pursed as she nodded. "Yes, of course. Please, tell me anything you want." Perrie shuffled over on the trunk and allowed space for Joe to sit.

Joe obliged her, and sat down next to her, still holding on to her hands. "My mother's name was Anna. Her eyes were brown. They had to be. My father loved her. It's hard to imagine him capable of loving someone, but he loved my mother.

"Our nurse was present at our birth, and when we were old enough, we learned the truth. My father blamed me for my mother's death outwardly. My earliest memories are of him cursing me for killing her."

Joe swallowed loudly, and Perrie squeezed his hand.

"It was a traumatic birth, but my brother was born first and healthy. He was a son. The heir. My father was thrilled. Our nurse said that our mother was thrilled. But her joy did not last, and she was ... my mother was dead in minutes from the bleeding."

Joe felt Perrie's hand become limp with shock. He dared to look upon her face, and he could see the astonishment in her eyes.

"But the doctor who was present to deliver us discovered that my mother carried twins, and that I was still yet to be born." Joe had never outwardly conveyed this tale before. As he said the words, his voice shook with a powerful tremor. "My father screamed. He told me, he's screamed at me many times over the years, that my mother was butchered so that I could live. I was cut from her body. She was dead while I was still inside of her."

Joe could not say anything further. What he had said was more than he had ever revealed.

"Your poor mother," whispered Perrie. "You poor boys to lose her in such a way."

"I was a baby. It wasn't my fault." Joe said the words more to himself than to Perrie.

"You were a baby. It wasn't your fault," agreed Perrie with a compassionate nod. "Thank you for telling me about how she died. I cannot imagine the weight that you must have felt from your father all this time. The undeserved weight." She gritted her teeth. "Lord, what I will say to that man if I ever see him again," she growled under her breath. She sucked in a breath, before she spoke again. "But can I offer you some advice? It is something that I have learned from my father."

Joe nodded. "Your father is certainly wise."

"My grandpapa, my namesake, he died a very tragic death. Very painful. And it was devastating for my family. And it is normal, I believe, to think about how a loved one passed ever so often. But it's good for the soul to think more of how they lived, rather than how they died."

Perrie ran her hand comfortingly over the back of Joe's knuckles.

"I have my grandfather's good humour, apparently." Perrie smiled. "You have your mother's eyes. Her name was Anna. And she was delighted to be a mother, even though it was brief. What else do you know about her?"

Joe leaned in and kissed Perrie, capturing her lips quickly and softly. "You can be rubbish at Latin all you like. You are already everything I could ever want."

----

I'm backkkkkk!! Did you miss me?

I got back from my trip to the Blue Mountains in New South Wales on Saturday. If you're at all curious and would like to see photos and videos of my trip, I have a highlight on my Instagram stories with everything there!

We had the best time. It was so needed and I so wish we were still there. I hiked all over the mountains and climbed a million stairs. Went into Sydney for a day and walked everywhere, and then saw Beauty and the Beast on stage. Ate so much delicious food and just spent quality time with bf and it was so lovely.

And of course, I spent 6.5 hours of Wednesday in the ticketek queue and GOT TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETSSSS!!!!! I literally burst into happy tears when I finally got through. Bf spent the entire day in the queue for me as well and I finally got through and grabbed the first tickets I could get. They literally could have put me on the roof and I would not have cared. I am so excited. I've already made 8 friendship bracelets and I'm planning my outfit hahaha.

I'm going to go as the Speak Now Era as that's my favourite album, and I can't wait for it to come out on Friday!

I have been so lucky to go to each Taylor Swift concert every time she's been here, so the Eras Tour will be concert number 6! Thinking back to baby me in the mosh pit at Fearless. Memories.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Vote and comment xxx