Like the falling leaf,
I wonder how much will it take
for hardships to fall down,
and to forget them without a worry.

Entry_9

Isn't it weird? I mean, nothing is anymore. Just as I think that things are getting better, they get worse, or at least aim at that.

Some time has already passed, but my heart hasn't really changed much.

Even more time has passed, things are better, but the memory of my wound hurts almost the same.
It can fully be the same. Time does not erase the pain caused by the wound, nor does it heal the scar or remove the bad feeling. We only get used to it with time.

It just seems that no matter what I do, I am at fault for everything. I am not deserving of Angels Moon. I am the fault itself, no matter what.

The reason why I can't wait to leave.. 2 years, just 2 more years and I will decide, of what will be of me.

Parhaps I am doing this to save myself, but maybe I will free myself.

I guess past, present nor future matter. It is only that decision in that moment.
I can blame whoever, but I am the cause for my own pain.
It was me
It was me
It was me again
And it was me all along.

I can live, and I can go on. But does it matter either way? If I make that decision, none of it will. People will hate me for being happier without them, but isn't it better not to have me at all, than have me like this?

I am trying hard to get better, but it does not matter. It never will to them. It has always been like that. I know they care, I know they love me. But their love is hurting me. I am held by it and feel certain way. I am in pain. And I don't want them to see it, but I don't want to be bothered either.

I just wish they could accept me without trying to change my way.

I try to talk the way I can, because I have no idea how else to aproach them. So I mention the dreams and ,,visions" that I am getting, but then I am attacking. If I don't talk, then I have distanced, someone has influence over me, I am hiding something or consuming drugs.
Something is always happening, and my voice never gets heard. It is always bad timeing, a wrong decision of mine, my stupidity, my fault. And the thing is, it is.

I am sitting at the bus station, and I have no idea... no idea about anything.
Me talking about it shows that I trust, love them and care about them. But they don't see it like that. Parhaps they are right. Wrong parents for the right child. They are are right parents tho, but not for a child like me. Not for me. They are too good for me.

It seems like such a mess in my head and heart.

The feeling of tearing apart, and the passing time that does not heal the wound. Then again, how could it when I keep re opening my own wounds, when I keep adding to them. It had always been my fault, and mine only.
Should we play around and see how much I can handle?

,,The person never thought that she would meet depression as great as this this early".

It truly feels like a heart is not accepted, and is only tempted and played. How much, till when? 2 years seem perfect. Not too soon and not too long of a wait. It makes one feel eager of what will happen. What may be built, and what may fall apart.

It makes me annoyed how I can be soo sad so easily.
Since when have I been like this, the lyrics ask me.
Brazenfaced. When I feel so.. bad enough. When I don't wish to talk or listen, I often hear that I am brazenfaced.
I see, that is how it seems. My pain is obscene to others.
I try to help and hide myself for my own sake and for others, only to be called brazenfaced. That makes me a bit sad.
I started hating this more that anything. More that those that hurt me, I started hating these walls of protection that have surrounded me like thorns turned toward me.
Rather than saying ,,I like that", I have started saying ,,I hate that" more and more.
It seems like forever since I had played in the light. Instead, I had built my own castle of darkness, where only moon comforts me.
Now, nothing else matters. I don't wish for anyones embrace, tears or saving.
Just to stop with everything.
To be in a world of dark, moon and music. Flowers. My own warmth. No sun that must appear and hurt me.
Can I be let out? I want to freely walk in the night. No goals, no way. Just to feel the cold eating away at my skin. Aimless. By myself. It is perfect enough like that.
Why would I involve another persons life with mine? Why would anyone stay, in someone elses pain? I have done that for others, but I was still left alone. People are not willing to stay if it becomes too hard. To me it is nothing. I have lived with my thoughts for a long time, that it became a simple dive.

It is a simply beautiful moment.

I came outside to send someone a video, only to look up at the sky and come face to face with the Moon. Right away, my heart reached out to you. I suddenly realised that I can hear the chiping of the birds, and the moment now is so beautiful. It is six in the morning, and while I am looking at the Moon and writing to you, it became lighter. It is soo quick, so beautiful, that I didn't even notice it.
It is as if I became one with the picture, a beautiful picture I wish I had freedom of entering.

If only I could explain to you this moment. Share it with you. Truth be told, this is nothing special. Even so, I think that everything is different, and has a precious value of its own. This moment, too. This small moment is what makes me feel better, and makes me want to breathe so that I can see more of these moments, see more of Moon and You.