It is weird to think how different
every day is, but also similar.
I know what awaits me,
but I also never know what may happen.
When all those days get together,
you get the future.

Entry_8

Yesterday I wanted to write to you, and today my mind is blank. I feel like saying ,,it was a mess", but I don't really feel that way.

I don't really know what I am feeling. Have you ever had a moment like that? I am afraid that if I start thinking, I will only have troubling thoughts.

I am sitting alone, so that is peaceful.
I am listening to your songs over earphones, so the depth of your voice comforts me.
It is nice for now. Knowing that no one knows you. That's why I like it here. No one knows me. No one.

You have wished for that, right? Was singing really your wish? Have you lived the way you want, even for a moment?

That is a dumb question tho. Once we taste the sweetness, we keep wanting more and more.

Oh, now the song Moon came up. I meant to ask you. Do you think we have a deeper connection to the moon? Moon is fascinating as it is. Some people then?

You and me. We both have it. And as much as I know or have seen over the Internet, a lot of other people do too. There is just something that makes me feel at home, when I am with the moon.

Ah, I am a bit sleepy. I would like to stay like this. Just listen to your voice and fall asleep, or just listen to your voice and sit here. In this moment, since I am alone.

Later, work will start. Soon, my friend will come so that we can take care of everything in this place. I don't want to tho. I just want to say quiet in the quiet. Without him mentioning my ,,nine rings of depression".

Was it.. really you who appeared in mums dream? From what she told me, you didn't say anything. You were just looking at her the whole time. I doubt that it was something else, because I am not deserving of that. Mum knows enough, she doesn't need my problems and thoughts. She has enough to deal with as it is.

Then I thought, what would be the case? Was it to show her, so that I stop bothering you? She mentioned how she saw paintings of you, and you. Because of those paintings, that I made. That made me think even more, if I really am the one bothering you.

It would be no surprise if that is the case. It seems like I bother a lot of people, and in your story, I am not needed, am I?

It's ok, I know. If it were for you, I could do it. I would be able to let you go.

I want to keep writing, but to be honest, my mind is sorta in a blank spot. I had some thoughts, and even tho they are in my head.. I just want to stay in this state, at the moment. Not better, not worse. Just snap the lastic on my wrist, and go on.

No one will ask, everyone is comfortable, and I am silent.

My co-worker has asked me before: ,,why are you scared to show others, to let people in?".

I am not scared, am I?

It is just that it is for the best.

I am not sure what is going on and in what place I am in.

What is going on with me?

What is it with my mind?

Will a day come when I am able to let myself be fully alright, not worry and just.. just be happy?

Do you think I can do that?
Do you think I will do that?

Whatever becomes my escape, quickly becomes my prison.
Honestly, everything is well, but it is my mind, heartche, and shaking hands that mess everything up.

I am aware, everything is truly my fault.

My thoughts are my own control.
Me being in the dark is my choice.
Me being like this.. is my fault.