I wonder about so many things,
that at times it seems as if it is all stupid.
What is the use of everything,
if I don't even know what to do with it?

Entry_7

I am sitting in the resting area at work. I just arrived, but as it is not my shift yet I am enjoying the dark.

It keeps coming and going.
The sadness.
No tears.
But pain, always.

I have watched the video of you crying for 18 minutes. It was in one sitting. I found it by chance, and for a moment I wondered.

,,How can I watch you like this and not cry?
Why am I not crying?
I always feel the urge to be honest to you".

Then it suddenly started. I felt sad, and I thought about your pain.
How come that no one hugged you at that moment?
I was looking at you like that, soo far away, from both place and time.
I saw your pain.

It was not fair. So many people, yet you were just sitting there, quiet and crying. In front of everyone, yet alone with your thoughts.

It is hard enough to be in that state for few seconds, minutes. And 18 minutes, spent like that.

What was it like before, and what was it like after you have left that place?
For hours, for some time.
For that time till you died.
And in those moments, how were you?

I close my eyes and try to go deeper in those memories of you. All the pictures and movements that I have in my head and heart, I try to put them to life.

To go soo deep in that life, to be soo imersed to feel only your feelings and to see where and how you were.

I would not call it astral projection, but I am in daze until it passes, or someone shakes me contious.
In that place, your life. The painful bits I went into.. it hurted soo much. And once I am contious, I look back at how you felt and my chest tightens.

You really were.. in soo much pain.

I am glad to have met you, for you are the memory I cherish the most, and that I would never want to forget or to give up.

I feel like I am closer to You. That way, when I travel to your life like that.

That is why I felt sudden pain, even tho I tried to hold it in.
In that video, surrounded my many, I only saw a lone soul, whose heart ached soo badly, and everyone saw the tears but not the pain.

I cried seeing you cry like that.
My heart ached for your aching heart.
I felt alone while crying, just as you were.

I am thankful for helping me cry again, because because of that, I take upon today easiler.

I can speak well.. well somewhat well.
I can breathe better.
And I can walk freer.

I am annoyed with how you looked, that you had be that way, feel that way. And that it never stoped. And how just like in that video, everyone knew about you, but barely anyone took a step closer.

Also, I have made another mistake today. Should I use the thing? To, you know?
I don't feel as bad because someone comforted me.
But now I feel bad because someone did.

I am well aware that it is ok to let people in and to be comforted, humans need comfort. And even now I left the space where I was, and the person that comforted me found me. Just to see where I am.

It is nice to have a friend a like that, I stopped looking at people with love long time ago. I just want to make friends. And that is it for this place, country. That is why I am ok with hugs.

But I need to show everyone that I am ok, I need to fight with myself. This is easier, having someone. But even if I am to have someone, I can't lay out all my cards.

You know, I at moments feel trapped. I hate it where I am. And I can't do lots of things. That makes me suffocated.
Can't I be allowed to do what I want? Go where and when I want? Without being poked at. I.. it is not that they are my enemies, what so ever, they are the most loving and protective people, but I wish to be a bit freer.

Like this, if I do something I want, that they disagree with, I feel like a bad person that made a wrong choice. I just need to hang on a bit more.

Even if they are fine with me, and that is what matters the most, I can never ignore my own self. I don't dislike myself, but I am trapped by myself.

How I wish that I would not have to worry about a thing, and just chill, at least for a day. I am a liar. I just wish for that to happen, but I am afraid that if I wish for that, something bad will happen from either side, or parhaps both. To be balanced, they must be conected. And I what stands in the middle, conecting both sides.

For them to be separated, I must be destroyed.