At times I feel as if God is listening.
He listens, then decides to appear.
That is when I am wishing for people to hate me, even more than they may already.
I try to make myself believe that that is my true wish, but my lie comes true just like that.

Entry_6

In span of two days a lot has happened.
It seemed like I felt love again. From the people I love the most.
Then I felt unaccepted again, when the person laughed in mock at the word family.
I stayed there, sat and listened. Then with the kneedle in my throat, I stayed. I just stayed, because she was right.

Who am I?

Just who am I?

I am not asking in a way like ,,I am lost in life, who am I?"

But more like ,,I have shown myself differently to everyone, that I forgot how the real me without the dark side was"

I don't think that I can leave the dark side. I am strong enough. But I am soo used to it that at times it feels as if that is everything I have.
The thoughts, ideas and imagination I have because of it.

The dark I gnawled upon, became a part of me.

Was it like that for you? I hate how other people add up to my already shattered self.
Can't I feel some way just because I can?
Can't I be this way just because?
Like you said ,,does it need to be something grand for you to accept".
The memories, the words, everything.

When I look back, it seems like I am the only bad one.

Wishing someone happiness.
Taking a risk for others.
Sacrificing myself and my wishes.

It feels like a math problem from middle school.
The teacher disliked me for some reason, and I stoped trying. I kept getting bad grades. Then I decided to fix myself, and I did everything on the exam but one exercise. It semeed as I was hurrying up, I did everything well, but I didn't calculate the final result well, on all exercises. On some I fixed the good one.
She used that to give me an F. And I talked to her and kept following her around but then thought ,,go to hell".
She said she would count it and give points because everything else was correct. But in my case, that wasn't the case. I didn't want to beg. So I stayed just like that.

It seems like no matter how well I do, if I make even one mistake I am done for.
All the hardwork does not pay off.
Everyone sees that one mistake rather than everything I have done.

I sometimes look around and wonder. Looking at these people, they all seem to be concerned, wondering about something or just having a hard life.
Then I think how hard their life must be. They must be having it worse than me.

But what do I do?

My pain is mine to bear, and to me, my pain is the hardest.

I can't take over their feelings just like that, as they can't mine.

Now my exact thoughts are

can't we live in a peaceful world? We all have hardships and strenght, but why make it harder? Why all the hate, want to be the best? Better than anyone.

I am listening to your songs now, and I don't feel as lonely.
Even tho you have never met me, you help me like that.
Even tho we are strangers, I conected like that.
Even tho it is sunny  at the moment, your voice gave me gosebumps.

I hope to see you again.

My angel.